Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of... - FML

By Anonymous - 8/12/2010 02:38 - United States

Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML

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Dangling modifier

Trust

Capitalism kills

By DIY560 - 24/2/2014 03:59 - United States - Ambler

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

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By LaurenLehmmman - 27/12/2010 22:22 - United States

Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML

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By ShitHappens - 24/10/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, while on the phone with my boyfriend, I really needed to poop. Badly. He was in the middle of telling a story, so I figured I could get away with muting the phone while on the toilet. Halfway through, he suddenly went silent. I forgot to mute the phone. FML

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By sleepingbeauty - 24/4/2016 08:45 - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

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By story of my life. - 21/2/2009 14:33 - Switzerland

Today, at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. Turns out he wasn't wearing a costume, his eye was shot out with a BB gun. This explains the eye patch. FML

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By daddy's girl - 22/1/2013 04:08 - United States - Springfield

Today, I had to drag my grandmother out of a store because she went up to a black family and started apologizing for slavery. FML

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By notonasoccertam - 6/9/2020 10:09 - United States

Harsh

Today, I made my school's soccer team. I told the coach that since I have diabetes, I might need to sit out occasionally. He promptly erased my name and said he didn't accept "slackers." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2014 18:23 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

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By Marty - 10/10/2017 13:00 - United States - Irving

Today, I bought a small bottle of liquor to share with my husband to celebrate our move. It took 3 hours at the store as the cashier, manager, GM, and a police officer checked my ID believing it was fake. I'm 25. FML

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By blueglover - 27/3/2012 07:40 - United States - Perris

Today, I made a new friend. He seemed pretty cool, until we came to the topic of religion and the ancient alien theory. I'm seemingly now friends with a guy who thinks alien Jesus raped an Earth woman, and we're the resulting cross-breed. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2014 14:18 - United Kingdom - Paignton

Today, a potential customer was looking at a treadmill at the fitness warehouse I work at. Once he was done testing it out, I asked him if he'd like me to order it for him. His reply? "Nah. I only had a go on it 'cause it looked like fun. Hey, but you could order one for yourself, huh, chubs?" FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2016 09:02 - United States - Allen

Today, I got screamed and honked at by a driver who felt I was in the way of his turn. I was on foot, and on the sidewalk. FML

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By JStein - 29/11/2012 04:33 - United States - Hampshire

Today my boyfriend and my best friend had a very lengthy, detailed conversation about Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit, of which I know nothing about. Once they stopped, I looked at him and smiled, and he responded with, "Why can't you be more like her?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. Halfway through he asked me what day it was. I told him, "Friday." He jumped up and ran over to the TV yelling, "Oh my God! Shark week is almost over!!" I was cock-blocked by the Discovery Channel. FML

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By DirtyCharmed - 1/11/2011 06:29 - United States

Today, I'm very ill. My throat and glands are so swollen that whenever I fall asleep, I relax too much and cut off my own air. The doctor said it's a viral infection and there's nothing they can give me, so I can choose between trying to kill myself by sleeping or staying awake for the next few days. FML

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By Ford - 3/1/2018 01:30

Today, a child that was born due to my donation to a sperm bank in 1995 contacted me. My current wife, who I met in 2003, is convinced I cheated on her and is filing for a divorce. FML

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By Cold - 17/12/2012 05:08 - United States - Richmond

Today, my car window got smashed in. The cop that came to take the report said they'd already caught the guy doing it, he'd smashed in several other car windows, all of the exact same model and color. His reason for doing it was simple: he was drunk and "hated red Jeeps". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 23:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that he needed some time alone for a few weeks. This break just so happens to include our one year anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. Now I get to spend the next three weeks alone. FML

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By Phil - 28/5/2012 21:17 - Canada

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

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By sopathetic - 26/2/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft..." He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. FML

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By me - 29/8/2012 04:19 - United States - Roseau

Today, I came home from work to find my house was flooded from a broken pipe under the sink. My house had just recently had new wood floors, carpet and electrics installed because 6 months earlier my house had been flooded by the same pipe breaking. FML

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By Youknowwho - 18/1/2009 02:55 - Australia

Today, I was in a toilet cubicle, when I overheard two of my friends at the sink talking about how ugly and skinny I was. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2018 01:30

Today, I sneezed without knowing I had a nosebleed. Despite turning my head, a fine blood spray shot out all over my fiancée’s white dress as we were standing at the altar. She refused to say “I do” because she was so mad. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, I had given up on finding my makeup bag with cell phone and iPod my mom had bought for me recently. So I went to art to join the group of girls with whom I share the back art studio of my school. One of them was talking about how she'd ripped off some bitch's stuff, and she held up my bag. FML

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By p!$$3D0FF - 15/1/2009 02:02 - Australia

Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML

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By Justaddwater - 9/1/2010 17:45 - France

Today, I spent an hour and a half trying to rid my house of smoke and burnt plastic smell because my little sister didn't know she was supposed to add water in the package of microwaveable mac and cheese. FML

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By nick - 6/3/2011 01:42 - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML

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By Fefe - 13/7/2010 02:43 - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

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By shit Music - 30/6/2016 07:32 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I forgot my headphones at home. When I got to work I found out that today was also the day the band next door had decided to practice their only song for 8 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 03:19 - United States

Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML

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By Anonim23 - 25/6/2019 00:15

Today, I finally decided to go talk to my upstairs neighbour about the loud banging noises he makes every single morning around 8 a.m. It worked. Now he starts at 7 a.m. FML

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By Nickname - 28/7/2011 02:02 - United States

Today, I was browsing the web when I checked the search history. Turns out my son has been searching for "nude grills" and "hot grills." Not only is my 12-year-old son attempting to find porn on the internet, he also can't spell. FML

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By iwantmoney - 22/7/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, after babysitting, the parents actually tried to pay me in Trident Layers Gum. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 04:04 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I visited my girlfriend's apartment for the first time. I guess she forgot to do some spring cleaning before I showed up, because I saw my laptop on her couch. The same laptop that was stolen from my house along with several other valuables last week. FML

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By Paul Williams - 24/6/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML

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By Angelthecat - 6/3/2020 00:01

Now listen here, you lot…

Today, I sent out a Happy Snow Day text to 20 of my closest friends. My boyfriend, who doesn't have an iPhone, didn't realize it was a group text. He sent back a text breaking up with me. To all the people in the group message. FML

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By yamaha_313 - 11/8/2015 04:20 - United States - Wartburg

Today, my 82-year-old great grandfather informed me that his "peeter" still works, and that most guys his age can't say the same. FML

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By sacrophage - 28/2/2010 04:30 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my abusive, obsessive, psychotic ex-boyfriend from over two years ago still has a thing for me. How did I find out? Although I've ignored him walking unnecessarily past my house for the past two months, it was hard to ignore when he fell from a tree outside my window. FML

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By gutsforme - 11/8/2010 10:40 - New Zealand

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for for his birthday in a couple of days. He replied "to be single" and walked out of the room. FML

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By FenderBender - 3/9/2009 04:54 - Canada

Today, I was driving home from work and noticed the car behind me was tailgating me pretty badly. I was starting to get angry with the driver, and kept glancing in my rear view mirror at him. While I was doing so, the traffic ahead of me stopped, and I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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Top comments

By Quest_ | 13

#1812375 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:20

Obtain laxatives.

By Br00talsex | 0

#1812296 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:11

atleast when you tell people you shit brix, you're telling the truth.

COMMENTS

By Br00talsex | 0

#1812296 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:11

atleast when you tell people you shit brix, you're telling the truth.

Reply

MonkeyBusiness_fml | 3

#1812476 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:48

Got milk?

Reply

mamamiaaa_fml | 12

#1812573 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 10:15

squirt some lube up there maybe it'll help.

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1812753 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 11:14

use your fingers. get em in there deep.

Reply

jewban | 3

#1812828 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 11:43

26 do I hear a new 2 girls 1 cup approaching? lol

Reply

#1813221 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:43

Build a house?

Reply

11wanda11 | 6

#1813649 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 14:37

Epsom salts, ever heard of the saying " went through like a dose of salts" I did it on the weekend... wow....

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1813742 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 14:59

#48 dont lie collingwood supporters can't afford Epsom salts lol

Reply

11wanda11 | 6

#1813923 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:42

got them from mum lmao

Reply

TheNeonDuckie | 0

#1815321 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 20:23

OP maybe you'll have enough bricks to build an outhouse to keep from stinking up your bathroom every-time you get constipated! :D

By bamagrl410 | 31

#1812359 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:19

Cue "shitty situation" jokes...

Reply

docscientist | 9

#1812435 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:38

That's a crappy shituation.

Reply

MonkeyBusiness_fml | 3

#1812465 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:46

Do girls poop?

Reply

takeapieandrun | 9

#1812507 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:51

No.

Reply

MonkeyBusiness_fml | 3

#1812516 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:54

Tnx. Good to know.

Reply

mamamiaaa_fml | 12

#1812578 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 10:17

what a fecal situation. ahem.

Reply

rgermain | 0

#1813766 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:05

Christ, keep this shit to yourself.

By squirell_AIDS69 | 0

#1812367 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:19

Well would you rather shit bricks or razor blades?

Reply

schwancy | 2

#1812594 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 10:22

I choose brick-shaped razor blades.

Reply

foreverspellman | 0

#1813261 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:51

I choose razor shaped brick blades.

and you know what they say... when you shit bricks, build a house. i've done it.

By samicna | 4

#1812373 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:20

water! ever drink it? it helps!

Reply

Allstarr23 | 1

#1840381 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 0:19

Are you a retard? If you were having this problem for three days and are complaining abt not havinf laxatives or softeners, get off your ass and buy some. YDI

By Quest_ | 13

#1812375 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:20

Obtain laxatives.

Reply

squirell_AIDS69 | 0

#1812387 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:22

Agreed. Can't imagine it's impossible to go to a store or pharmacy to get something.

Reply

ImaginaryFoe | 0

#1813281 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 12:53

This. Three days, OP? YDI! You've had plenty of time to get all the things you complained about not having. You could've ordered them online and had them delivered in that time span.

Reply

waswashere | 0

#1813323 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:01

but then They couldn't complain on here

Reply

11wanda11 | 6

#1813690 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 14:43

laxitives don't soften stool, they just spin your stomach out and make you want to shit. no fun if ther is a brick blocking the path :-)

Reply

poplmon | 0

#1817748 - Thursday 9 December 2010 5:18

39 ORRRRR maybe OP has less money then you and can't afford laxatives? Grow up. FYL OP.

By alaaloo_fml_fml | 0

#1812379 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:21

Buy laxatives. Done.

Reply

DuyLe | 0

#1814727 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 18:41

Sorry, I'm not really good English. what is laxative? and don't tell me to search it up either, last time I do cause a friend told me to I got some disturbing images :(

Reply

DDPT2 | 4

#1814968 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 19:07

66, Makes you want to poop.

By Mauskau | 35

#1812440 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:39

It's very uncomfortable to move when constipated, I spent a week on the toilet(not literally) before my mum got me anything. :(

Reply

papazhu | 0

#1813472 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 13:40

impossible, girls don't poop everyone knows that!

Reply

yewzd | 0

#1813930 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 15:43

Yeah. they can only queef.

By null_fml | 11

#1812447 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:41

You looked at one of those "when you see it" memes on the internet, didn't you?

Can't say they didn't warn you.

By gregomania_fml | 0

#1812474 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:47

when I was a toddler I chucked a brick down the loo, needles to say it smashed it. you must be getting good at replacing loo's.

Reply

alaaloo_fml_fml | 0

#1812504 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:51

Hahaha very clever.

By lydever91 | 0

#1812496 - Wednesday 8 December 2010 9:49

go buy some for like $2. It'll save you Hell. btw, YDI for not thinking of it