By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 11:01 - Germany - Olbersdorf

Zapped

Today, I got the worst electric shock ever, touching a wire that was connected to the electric fence only by a plastic isolator, made specifically to NOT conduct electricity. I still don’t understand how it was possible. FML

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Family values

Deep-seated resentment

Doomed

By SHIT-BREATH - United Kingdom - Chepstow

Today, my puppy came into my room, and I cupped his head in my hands and bent down to kiss him. As I did, I realized that the part of his head I was kissing was covered in his own shit that he'd seemingly been rolling in. FML

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By left4dead - Australia - Sydney

Today, I went on a field trip with some people from school. I'm currently confined to a wheelchair, so I had to rely on my sister to get around. She eventually went off with her friends, assuming that the people nearby would keep me company. Five minutes later, they'd all left me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

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By cheaterscheat - United States - Saint James

Today, I went to the hospital due to extreme sickness. My boyfriend saw this as an opportune time to take another girl out since I was "otherwise preoccupied." FML

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By Whatthehell - United States - Soddy Daisy

Today, I completed driving school. After 30 hours of classwork, 6 hours of driving lessons, and a very tough driving test, I passed and can now get a 15% safe driver insurance discount. My friend just told me he only had to watch a 15 minute video to get the same discount. FML

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By dudeyouarefired

Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML

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By Sleuth

Today, I found out why my professor accused me of not handing in an important essay before the due date. Apparently she spilled coffee all over it and didn't dare to tell me. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, against the will of the kids in my class, we played kick ball. The first time I rolled the ball, the tallest, biggest kid kicked it as hard as he could. I caught it though, with my nuts. FML

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By James - Australia

Today, my front house window was smashed. A note was left, saying 'I want my cat back'. I have no idea what they are talking about. FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

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By hot_shot - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because we watched a movie that Taylor Lautner was in, she claims they made special eye contact and they are destined to be together. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 08:08

Who's Afraid of Red, Yellow and Blue

Today, I spent almost two hours drawing a scenery. I was tired halfway in and took a break. Came back to my room to see it getting scribbled on. FML

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By wildthing - United States

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

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By I suck :( - United States - Louisville

Today, I was trolling on a My Little Pony forum. I was midway through typing a big post, calling them all a bunch of attention-seeking losers who act like morons because their parents never loved them, when I broke down in tears, realizing I'd just perfectly described myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my toddler stood up in a shopping cart and fell, giving himself a black eye. Later, while at a restaurant, he tried to stand up in his high-chair. I quickly blurted out, "Sit down! Do you want another one of those?" while pointing at his eye. The waiter wouldn’t stop glaring at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2020 23:01

Confinement's gonna be fun

Today, I left the house to get groceries. My parents asked me where I was going and how long I would be gone for. Thinking they were just being inquisitive parents, I ignored them. I got home 20 minutes later to them having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Avon

Today, my bitchy co-worker decided that being given a compliment on her shoes is sexual harassment, and worthy of reporting me to our boss over. FML

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By onefmlafteranother

Vicious dog

Today, I was laying my head on my dad's dog when he walked in. I jokingly asked my dad, "I'm cuddling with your dog, are you jealous?" At that moment, the dog lets a massive, earth-quaking fart and my dad promptly responded, "Nope!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saddle River

Today, instead of canceling for the third consecutive time due to work-related reasons, my boyfriend sent his twin brother on our date. They both thought I wouldn't notice. FML

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By jostertoaster12 - United States - Steamboat Springs

Today, while skiing down a steep mountain, a man ran over my skis, causing me to fall and roll down the slope. When I regained my balance, I saw the man had followed me just to say "How graceful" and continue on. FML

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By Phycheledic - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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By charlie - United States

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

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By Calimero0 - 11/8/2020 17:02

Extreme phobias

Today, it's 30 degrees Celsius in my bedroom, but I need to stay completely under the covers, because even though I live on the other side of the world, I can't stop thinking about Australian huntsman spiders. FML

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By Heyme - France

Today, I was working and eating. I was so tired that I crunched my pen and crushed my chocolate-filled pastry on my exercise book. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my little sister put on some black eyeliner on my eyes. About half an hour later, my eyes started to hurt. Eyeliner never hurt for me; so I went to the bathroom to check it out. My sister wasn't using eyeliner. It was a black watercolor pencil. Now I have black bits inside my eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2020 05:04

Liquid fun

Today, after 25 years, I quit drinking. It wasn’t worth it. My life and everyone around me still sucked. So I started up again. FML

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By Crash - United States

Beep beep

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn't paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By lalalalalala - United States

Today, I was excited to have a window seat on my three hour flight to New York. When I got to my row, I noticed the screaming newborn occupying the seat in front of me, and a pair of toddlers behind me. I then looked to my seat to find I have no window. FML

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By not what she said - 1/6/2020 20:00

Misheard

Today, I was on a Zoom call. My sister offered to go get lunch and I told her, "Don’t forget the baguettes." One overly sensitive coworker swears I used a derogatory slur that sounds the same. I didn’t. However, I’m still going to be investigated by my boss. FML

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By Fmylife - United States

Today, I have a cold. Trying to clear out my stuffy nose, I tried putting mouthwash in my nose. Thinking it was an awesome idea, I put some more in. I then starting screaming in pain due to the extreme burning in my nostrils. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given a DUI while in the Whataburger drive thru. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after much thought and serious consideration, I nervously admitted to my boyfriend that I'm bisexual. The first thing that he said in response was: "Want a threesome?" FML

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By hailey - United States - Bethesda

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

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By lobotomized - United States

Today, a couple came into the gas station where I work to ask for directions. While I was giving the woman directions (and even writing them down to be as helpful as possible), the man stole my wallet out of my purse that was sitting on the other end of the counter behind a display. FML

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By martin1022 - United States

Today, recent construction has created a manhole that cars slam over every single morning. This normally starts at 4 a.m. as people make their early commute on my busy street. With every car that hits it, there's a huge echoing slamming noise. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start, so I had to wait for AAA. Then, hurrying to pick up my brother, I got a $161 speeding ticket. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from him saying he didn't need a ride anymore. FML

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By Betchsadface - United States

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

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By isaacBENNETT - United States

Today, I decided to introduce my girlfriend to my parents by telling them that we were gonna have a very special guest for dinner. While my mom was preparing the meal she asked, "What does he like?" I'm straight. My parents thought different. FML

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By Simon Cowell

Today, I realised my teeth are so stained that they look cleaner when I've not brushed them. FML

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By 11lyss1

Today, I opened my new clothing store. My only customer was my mom and the only reason she came in was to tell me that someone stole my sign. FML

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Top comments

By chyiochan | 31

#7959952 - Thursday 24 December 2020 15:20

Reverse-psylectricity.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7959954 - Thursday 24 December 2020 15:22

"It's a trap"
-Admiral Akbar

COMMENTS

By chyiochan | 31

#7959952 - Thursday 24 December 2020 15:20

Reverse-psylectricity.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7959954 - Thursday 24 December 2020 15:22

"It's a trap"
-Admiral Akbar

By coius | 22

#7959964 - Thursday 24 December 2020 17:36

Insulator on wire is probably split. When you pushed on it, insulator opened up revealing wire underneath