Kids: Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a... - FML

By What the fuck, son? - 11/05/2013 16:21 - Netherlands - Amerongen

Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 366

You deserved it 7 811

The smell detective is on the case

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Noise annoys

By Anonymous - 27/05/2013 00:21 - United States - Matteson

Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 236

You deserved it 4 443

By Jim - 09/10/2017 13:00

Today, I was walking to the bus for my first day at my new school. I tripped in the darkness and split my chin open and broke my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 275

You deserved it 257

By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 07:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out through one of my friends that my boyfriend cheated on me. He says it doesn't count as cheating because he couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 586

You deserved it 4 637

By NotALady - 15/12/2016 22:20

Today, I was at a gas station when I got a bad stomach ache. I clenched my cheeks together and rushed to the nearest bathroom. Twenty minutes and a clogged toilet later, I exited the one-person bathroom to a line of very angry women. I had run into the wrong restroom. One of them threw a tampon at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 344

You deserved it 1 614

By Simon Cowell - 08/09/2018 20:30

Today, I realised my teeth are so stained that they look cleaner when I've not brushed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 210

You deserved it 838

By [email protected] - 06/12/2008 04:54 - France

Spicy

Today, I decided to spend a night of love with my darling, so I arranged to meet him in a very classy hotel, gave him the room number and waited in a super-sexy outfit. There was a knock at the door, so I opened it enticingly, convinced it was him. It was room service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 280

You deserved it 11 825

By bthms - 31/01/2010 14:46 - France

Today, I was standing in a queue when an old lady turned, looked straight at me, and asked me to hold her bag. Confused, I took a hold of it. She started screaming for help claiming I was stealing her shopping. Turns out, she was talking to her husband behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 852

You deserved it 3 430

By alyssac11 - 25/05/2010 04:55 - United States

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 554

You deserved it 4 252

By traumatized - 18/06/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 103

You deserved it 3 586

By Ginger_Gawd - 21/01/2014 03:34 - United States - Hialeah

Today, I was playing with my little nephew and began to tickle him playfully, even though I know he doesn't like to be tickled. When I was done, he looked me straight in the eye, punched me in the groin, and told me, "No one tickles me". He's six. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 455

You deserved it 45 928

By are you kidding me? - 16/05/2016 21:24 - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 478

You deserved it 910

By Anonymous - 03/09/2012 09:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend noticed that I looked upset and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sexually frustrated. Her response? "What are you telling me for?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 665

You deserved it 5 688

By lbg2msf - 06/11/2013 18:08 - United States - Biloxi

Today, I walked under a tree and heard birds chirping from above. I stopped and looked up, only to catch a face full of bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 779

You deserved it 9 479

Phone-blocked

By unamyous - 08/06/2012 13:26 - United States - Canoga Park

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom. Her phone rang and she stopped to have an hour long conversation with her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 512

You deserved it 4 128

By MrsCasillas - 26/09/2013 06:24 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my financial issues hit a new low when I had to borrow back some of the money I gave the guy who did my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 408

You deserved it 5 790

Gross, dude

By smells like ass - 02/08/2020 23:03

Today, my boyfriend has only showered about three times since we’ve been on lockdown. Our whole place smells like a sewer main burst in a pro-sports locker room filled with sweaty nut sacks and dead feet. His excuse? "It’s not like we have anywhere to go babe." I can’t even eat around him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 809

You deserved it 357

Don't send dickpics (unless requested)

By rachele321 - 20/08/2019 02:00

Spicy

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my stepfather's new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 903

You deserved it 205

By Caz - 10/09/2018 20:30

Today, I got on the Megabus for a 6-hour journey from London to Plymouth. I then realised I'd forgotten to fill up my water bottle and charge my iPod. It's a fully packed, sweaty hot loud coach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 290

You deserved it 1 291

By Sadface - 06/12/2009 17:34 - United States

Today, my 15 year old son told me he had his first kiss. I told him how I was the same age when I had mine, and then I told him all kinds of wild stories about things I did in my childhood and college life. Truth is, I made them all up. I didn't get kissed till I was 24, and laid till I was 28. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 879

You deserved it 13 961

By boop snoop - 01/09/2019 16:00 - United States

Today, the power at work was out. This would be fine, if they didn’t make me stay for another hour to wait for it to come back on in the Texas heat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 103

By Anonymous - 28/07/2015 00:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 020

You deserved it 2 910

Adapt, overcome, improvise

By Amy - 06/03/2020 07:00

Today, I was squeezed through an overly-crowded hallway down to my psychologist's. There, I sat in an overly-crowded waiting room to see him, next to an obese woman and an insane man. I finally entered the smaller-than-a-closet room. My reason for seeing a psychologist? Claustrophobia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 518

You deserved it 147

By Broken Leg, Broken Job - 10/05/2018 01:30

Today, I was fired for not having a reliable mode of transportation. I’ve only had to take the bus recently because three days ago, my boss’s son was messing around in the parking garage, lost control, and totaled my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 254

You deserved it 207

By NoComparison - 14/05/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 798

You deserved it 5 164

Curiosity!

By Anonymous - 31/12/2019 14:00

Today, I got curious and decided to look for my ex's social media after he blocked me off everything. I found him on LinkedIn and it is only after I click on his profile that I remembered, he will be notified that I looked him up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 546

You deserved it 3 102

By Anonymous - 13/10/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, my mom put a candle on in the living room. She told the family "how much she loved it!" My mom then went on the tell us that my dad got it for her and it must have been some cheap candle. I bought the candle as a gift for her on her birthday. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 764

You deserved it 3 102

By Noname - 12/03/2009 11:24 - New Zealand

Spicy

Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 156 944

You deserved it 17 983

Gamergating

By Anonymous - 13/03/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 627

You deserved it 28 603

By Invisible - 15/06/2017 22:00

Today, I realized how little my husband, son and I mean to my in-laws. We were somehow left off the distribution list for my sister-in-law's birthday party. I even texted her to wish her well. It wouldn't be so bad if this wasn't the fifth consecutive family event we were left out of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 757

You deserved it 310

Being multilingual sucks sometimes

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 19:01 - Iraq - Baghdad

Today, in our microbiology lab, there's a machine called bacteria incubator, which translates to Arabic as "bacteria hugger." I envied the bacteria because it gets hugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 196

By neverdatingagain - 27/11/2016 22:07 - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, after three years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed. To my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 642

You deserved it 746

Amplified

By Anonymous - 01/09/2010 23:04 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After doing my business and we started walking out of the bathroom, my son loudly announced to the whole store, "Mommy has diarrhea!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 467

You deserved it 4 346

Some people are so... creative.

By Anonymous - 17/02/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's pregnant. She'd told me she was on birth control, so I asked her to show me. She had been sticking the pills up her vagina like a suppository. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 218

You deserved it 1 518

By ZombieGirl0417 - 30/09/2015 21:13 - United States - Jupiter

Today, my aunt asked to see my new airsoft pistol. Not thinking anything of it, I handed it to her. She shot me in the leg. I was standing next to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 133

You deserved it 4 468

Thanks, I guess…

By leogs23 - 03/06/2021 06:01

Today, I was taking a shower with my girlfriend when she 'complimented' me by saying, "You’re cute, like a rat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 116

By STOPTHENOISE - 14/10/2013 13:10 - United States - Jefferson

Today, someone in my 8-floor appartment building got an airhorn. They seem to enjoy using it. I can't work out where they are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 605

You deserved it 3 110

Sounds hot

By oops999 - 19/11/2013 19:46 - United States - Downingtown

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 852

You deserved it 9 428

By Emily - 17/12/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via the medium of free-style rapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 071

You deserved it 4 581

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 01:40 - United States

Today, it was pouring rain outside, I had 2 textbooks in my hands. I took a shortcut, and instead of running around the small pole that directed the line at the cafe, I decided to jump over it. In front of a group of guys, my foot got caught and I face planted with my books flying everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 346

You deserved it 47 780

By frozen solid - 06/01/2014 02:04 - United States - Allentown

Today, I spent nearly half an hour clearing several inches of snow off my car. After almost suffering from hypothermia, I finished. Except the car keys were missing from my pocket, presumably buried under a foot of snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 846

You deserved it 6 870

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Top comments

ThePieGuy0817 29

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Sunday 12 May 2013 2:59

Well, at least he's creative.

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Sunday 12 May 2013 2:59

It could work...

Comments

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Sunday 12 May 2013 2:59

It could work...

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Sunday 12 May 2013 4:28

Apples work better and it would probably be a lot easier lol

HortonThelephant 15

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Sunday 12 May 2013 4:38

"No son! Ya made your 1st mistake right there. You want to bore nice and deep like into the watermelon for that really smooth hit"

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Sunday 12 May 2013 8:10

Clearly the idea of giving a kid weed but no bong, will suddenly make him an engineer, is entirely true...

Zebediabolical 39

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Sunday 12 May 2013 22:39

For really creative smoking, make a pipe out of a frozen hot dog.

elgordogrande1 11

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Monday 13 May 2013 1:37

My favorite homemade piece was made out of a rubber ducky and some rubber tubing.

hellbilly205 17

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Monday 13 May 2013 5:12

My favorite, that me and my friends made back in the day was a pen tube and a socket

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Tuesday 2 December 2014 5:34

my favorite was one we altered. it was a metal one that comes apart in several different pieces. it had an aluminum tube that slid over the body with crappy sequins on it. we melted it off and wrapped it in hemp string. it was awesome and versatile. perfect for a bowl or gravity bong. someone stole it.

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Sunday 15 November 2015 14:10

Or he could just roll it into a joint...

ThePieGuy0817 29

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Sunday 12 May 2013 2:59

Well, at least he's creative.

Original_Outcast 23

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Sunday 12 May 2013 5:04

He's creative and didn't almost burn down the house!

zeuslovesyaoi 17

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Sunday 12 May 2013 8:29

now lets all agree to never be creative again

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Sunday 12 May 2013 3:01

I love watermelon!!!!!

peacefully84 19

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Sunday 12 May 2013 3:03

I like the way he thinks!

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Sunday 12 May 2013 3:04

Well it could be worse. I mean, he could've tried to carve it out of a mango!

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Sunday 12 May 2013 3:05

WHAT AN IDIOT! EVERYONE knows that apples are the best.

SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18

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Sunday 12 May 2013 3:09

Apples are best to make a pipe. They're too small for bongs.

omg36 7

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Sunday 12 May 2013 9:15

Apples get clogged though, if you're gonna make a bong use an empty 2 litre, duct tape and a bowl.

fuzz97 23

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Sunday 12 May 2013 10:23

I saw a picture of a bong made out of a pineapple once

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Sunday 12 May 2013 22:49

Pineapple Express!

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Monday 13 May 2013 2:51

pineapple pipe... /r/trees anyone??

GuessWhatKids 13

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Friday 17 May 2013 16:20

/r/trees here... knew it'd be mentioned the second i saw fruit and weed in the same FML

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Sunday 12 May 2013 3:05

Thats gonna get sticky icky icky.

CharresBarkrey 15

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Sunday 12 May 2013 4:20

Is your name supposed to be Chums Word or Chum Sword? It's like PetsMart and PetSmart

CaptainSaveAHoe 11

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Sunday 12 May 2013 23:02

I believe his name is Chum Sword, which if I'm not mistaken, is a very strange nickname for a penis. I thought I heard it all when I saw fap-stick.

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Sunday 12 May 2013 3:05

That shows a higher state I thinking, but I got to say your life sucks

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Sunday 12 May 2013 3:05

Hey, it's all-natural ;-) he has the rest of the watermelon just in case he gets the munchies! Nice!

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Sunday 12 May 2013 3:23

Even if he fails, look on the bright side - he has the rest of a watermelon to eat!

botanistjessica 24

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Sunday 12 May 2013 4:03

Isn't that pretty much exactly what 9 said?

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Sunday 12 May 2013 5:07

Yep. My bad.

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Sunday 12 May 2013 5:22

28 and 41 - Don't worry, it's all good in my neighborhood ;-) (P.S. I would avoid my neighborhood... Bad neighborhood :3)

TypoH 7

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Sunday 12 May 2013 3:08

Would you rather walk in on your son smoking out of a bong OP?

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Sunday 12 May 2013 7:47

C'mon now, that's why its an fml. The bong wasn't ready for the bud yet...

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 749

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 174