Miscellaneous: Today, it's Christmas day. Normally, my family would be opening... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 98

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 547

You deserved it 89

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 39

25/12/2011 17:06

Today, it's Christmas day. Normally, my family would be opening gifts right now. Instead, my mom is holding our gifts hostage until we clean the house. Apparently, "The presents aren't going anywhere." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 291

You deserved it 29 301

Another great day to be alive

Cognitive dissonance

A new enemy

22/05/2011 13:53

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 848

You deserved it 70 234

Unloveable

By sal - 27/09/2020 05:02

Today, I adopted a cat, thinking it would make my life a little less lonely. Within an hour, the cat ran away. Not even animals want to be around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 011

You deserved it 257

02/03/2013 02:35

Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 220

You deserved it 9 084

20/03/2013 05:42

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 190

You deserved it 4 708

06/04/2014 18:09

Today, I found out that my three closest online friends are the same person: my obsessive ex. I met all three before he and I even started dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 138

You deserved it 5 690

16/03/2016 01:05

Today, I have watched the Elmo's World episode featuring balls ten times in a row. The toddler I'm watching screams if I put on something different. His mom just said she was stuck in traffic. She should be back in about five and a half more replays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 686

You deserved it 1 445

Trans women are women

By Colton - 07/06/2021 20:01

Today, I'm dating a trans girl, who is also my best friend. She confessed to me long ago that she was born male, and that wasn't a big deal to me. The problem is that my family is constantly harassing her, because I should have been "with a real girl instead of a monster with severed genitals." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 345

You deserved it 396

30/07/2013 14:25

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my 30-year-old husband about why Sesame Street isn't a "soap opera." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 300

You deserved it 5 125

24/06/2009 05:41

Today, I was working Customer Service at Wal Mart. An elderly lady came to my register to return a pair of white pants. I asked her what was wrong with them and she replied "even when I had underwear on you could still see my pubic hair." The pants had hair on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 363

You deserved it 3 258

03/12/2009 20:13

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 708

You deserved it 2 577

12/02/2012 04:52

Spicy

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 058

You deserved it 8 435

18/04/2009 21:08

Today, I went swinging with my friend at the park. Seeing a few cute guys playing basketball, I tried to act cute, laughing loudly and letting my hair fly all over the place. Just as they look over the swing broke. I fell on my face, my jeans sliding down, mooning them. They laughed hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 061

You deserved it 34 554

17/07/2012 06:09

Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend. The guy rang her up and said it was only a dollar as he winked at her $10 purchase. Then he rang me up at completely full price. She got his number and I got to be the ugly friend once again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 648

You deserved it 3 691

30/11/2010 14:07

Today, while at work, I cringed as I noticed my caveman colleague frantically digging into his nose and then continuing the use of his computer. I work in IT support and will be rebuilding his computer and reinstalling all his applications in 30 minutes time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 547

You deserved it 2 354

10/02/2017 09:00

Today, at work a lady asked for a burrito, large coke, and hot sauce. While repeating back the order, the words got stuck and I accidentally said large cock. I got written up for being inappropriate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 719

You deserved it 961

23/02/2013 06:28

Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 490

You deserved it 3 429

09/12/2016 16:21

Today, I found out that I owe the government money and that the amount will increase if I miss the deadline 2 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 155

You deserved it 1 427

12/12/2013 18:00

Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 570

You deserved it 4 509

10/11/2009 17:04

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 315

You deserved it 5 744

10/12/2011 03:41

Spicy

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 737

You deserved it 8 923

Missed opportunities

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 08:01

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 696

You deserved it 236

13/06/2009 05:17

Today, I realized that I've been a member of eHarmony for almost a year. No one has ever contacted me out of the 134 people I've been "scientifically" matched with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 468

You deserved it 7 296

07/12/2009 09:30

Spicy

Today, a friend of mine and I were talking about how hygienic we are. She mentioned she hadn't shaved her downstairs in a while. I was looking at the computer when she said this so when I turned to look at her I saw she had pulled down her pants and underwear. I was face to face with hairy muff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 611

You deserved it 4 062

27/12/2010 08:47

Today, my girlfriend dumped me via text message. The sad thing is that I left my fiancée of 5 years to be with a girl I worked with at Walmart. My ex-fiancée is now a doctor. I still work at Walmart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 304

You deserved it 111 668

Birthday Boy

By Anonymous - 18/10/2019 02:00

Today, it's my 16th birthday. It's also it is the day my parents scheduled my wisdom teeth to be pulled out. Happy birthday to me, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 486

You deserved it 150

15/08/2010 09:47

Today, my Platoon Sergeant caught me unshaved, so now I have to write a 1000 word essay on "The importance of shaving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 551

You deserved it 40 471

21/02/2010 08:19

Spicy

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 382

You deserved it 4 010

01/06/2012 14:24

Today, a girl started talking to me at the bus stop. After it descended into an awkward silence, I jumped on my bus to avoid further conversation. She got on the same bus. And got off at the same stop. I swear the whole bus could feel the tension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 886

You deserved it 4 655

12/05/2016 03:13

Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 998

You deserved it 1 038

25/07/2014 21:18

Today, I got rear-ended because my ultra-clingy girlfriend wouldn't let go of my hand long enough for me to shift gears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 513

You deserved it 11 698

24/12/2015 06:10

Today, I put my 5 month-old daughter in her swinging chair and walked into the kitchen to make her a bottle. When I came back, she was giggling because the dog was licking her face. It would have been cute, picture worthy even, if I actually had a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 627

You deserved it 2 083

14/11/2016 06:52

Today, my boyfriend and I were house sitting. We were a little on edge because we'd heard noises. We were starting to get intimate, and suddenly the house alarm started going off. We locked ourselves in the room, called the police, and they told us that we were the ones who'd set it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 149

You deserved it 3 046

21/09/2012 15:11

Today, while at work, I helped my ex-husband pick out a ring for the girl he cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 905

You deserved it 7 048

16/05/2012 21:56

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 178

You deserved it 39 590

07/07/2009 17:00

Today, I came home to found all of my belongings out on the street. My roommate, who is also my brother, apparantly neglected to pay his part of the rent, and we got evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 439

You deserved it 4 026

12/06/2011 18:50

Spicy

Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 951

You deserved it 12 665

28/11/2012 17:43

Today, as I was about to walk across the street, a girl in front of me who clearly wasn't paying attention to the traffic, almost got run over. I grabbed her arm and jumped back. She was fine. I fell and fractured my arm and wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 456

You deserved it 2 409

25/04/2009 13:31

Today, I was fired from my job of 5 years. I was let go because I couldn't take the company to 'the next level'. My now ex-boss asked me if I could process my severance check because he didn't know how. I had to write myself my last paycheck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 049

You deserved it 2 746

09/08/2013 23:29

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 419

You deserved it 7 797

Time consumed

By unendowed - 18/03/2012 02:11

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 302

You deserved it 11 648

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:33

Unless you have a 5 story mansion with tons of rooms and she wants you to clean all windows, floors, ceiling etc then it's not really that bad.

DontClickOnMe 28

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:32

Haha, sounds like something my mom would do. She's such a perfectionist. But hey, at least you're still getting the presents! Merry Christmas!

Comments

DontClickOnMe 28

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:32

Haha, sounds like something my mom would do. She's such a perfectionist. But hey, at least you're still getting the presents! Merry Christmas!

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Monday 26 December 2011 2:11

Bear* Just fucking wit ya ;)

DontClickOnMe 28

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Monday 26 December 2011 2:14

18 - That is so not cool, bro.. But since it's Christmas, I'll let it slide!

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Monday 26 December 2011 3:24

Sounds like a smart woman, now get to cleaning....

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 19:31

These are the kind of parents who don't seem to realize their kids are going to move far away and never look back once they're 18. Or maybe they do realize it and are hoping for just that. Either way, sucks to be you OP.

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:32

Well get that mr clean eraser and start scrubbing

cherrysizzle1 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 14:30

Ha that's funny

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:33

Unless you have a 5 story mansion with tons of rooms and she wants you to clean all windows, floors, ceiling etc then it's not really that bad.

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:52

Considering how OP is complaining about something so insignificant, that guess is pretty likely.

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:35

A clean home is a happy home

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Monday 28 May 2018 18:23

My home is clean and nobody is happy here

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:37

Chores on Christmas, that doesn't sound joyful.

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Monday 26 December 2011 2:54

OP should be grateful they have a home, and presents. A lot of people suffering from natural disasters right now, probably don't have either.

FMLsOhilarious 6

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:38

Um, I guess that means you don't clean to your mothers desire? I guess you'd better start if you want those presents of yours.

rcloca 10

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:40

What if the presents grow legs and walk away, then who'll be talking, huh.

IAMYOURPINEAPPLE 9

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:42

I think this may call for a professional negotiator to get out of this one.

flockz 19

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:43

call the swat team. we have a terrorist on our hands!!

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Monday 26 December 2011 7:50

They don't deal terrorists.

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Monday 26 December 2011 16:32

With*

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Monday 26 December 2011 22:40

67- how much do they cost?!

Sarah_moustache 9

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Monday 26 December 2011 1:44

When you're scrubbing your toilet, just remember that you've got some presents waiting on you. Merry Christmas?