By Anonymous - 20/7/2020 14:01

Good boy, best boy

Today, I realised that I have a better relationship with my cat than I do with my boyfriend. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Dementia or hate? You decide

Creepy

By Anonymous - United States - Pasadena

Today, my mom called me for dinner by saying, "We're going to eat Steph! I mean we're going to eat COMMA Steph! We're not going to eat you! Ha ha!" She thinks this joke is hilarious and has been doing it to both my dad and me every night since early June. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML

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By better late than never

Today, and for the first time in months, I woke up feeling well rested and ready to face the day. At 7pm. FML

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By jdrew32 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, after nearly 5 months of trying for a baby, I found out my wife has continued to take the pill as it gave her a better idea of her cycle and thus when she'd be "most fertile". FML

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By pat - United States

Uncertainty

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Camarillo

Rubbing one out on the sly

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my daughter came up to me crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she had a fight with her imaginary boyfriend. She's 16. I raised this child. FML

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By jobless1

Today, I went to an important job interview, only to be told I'm not what such a "prestigious" company was looking for. This from a pimply-faced 20-something who took a personal call on speakerphone mid-interview, and actually said "lmao" out loud at his friend's joke. FML

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By aussie worker

Today, it was my first day at a new job as a waitress for a wedding function centre. As I was opening the door to collect dirty plates from the guests, I bumped into a colleague carrying a tray full of full champagne glasses, all of which fell and smashed on the floor. FML

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By double trouble

Today, I found my bike that was stolen a week ago in front of someone's house. Now this wouldn't have been a problem if my husband didn't steal it to go meet with his girlfriend. FML

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By Mariah Barnes - 24/7/2020 08:01

The bird

Today, I saved a baby bird from the site I work on. It was the runt and did not have any feathers and was neglected by the mother. I took care of it all day at work and planned on taking it to a wildlife reserve after work. Two minutes away from the reserve, we hit a pothole and I dropped it. It died. FML

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By nameless - United Kingdom

Today, I got on a bus that was so overcrowded I had to stand next to the driver with nothing to hang on to. A drunk man got on and for the rest of the half hour journey continuously fell on me, when I got off he smiled and told me as the doors were closing "the last twelve times was for fun." FML

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By Serum - United States - Wichita

Today, I walked in on my husband putting my anti-wrinkle cream on his balls. He said, "I thought it'd help." FML

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By tracie - United States

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML

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By TheHeirofTime - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML

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By waterproblem - United States

Today, my last task for the day as a high school janitor was to power-wash the concrete area where the graduation ceremony will take place. Tired and bored, I drew a huge penis with the power hose. Right before I was going to wash it off, the machine broke. Graduation is tomorrow. FML

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By defrauded - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

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By TheDrugsAreStrongWithThisOne - United States

Today, a customer wanted corporate's number because we aren't allowed to sell pies after midnight. After a drug-fuelled cuss-storm, she punched me in the face through the open window and peeled out of drive-thru like a bat out of hell. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, while on a first date, I had to excuse myself to the restroom. I was still tired from pulling an all-nighter, and fell asleep on the toilet. When I woke up and rushed back out, my date was gone. Everyone now thinks I'm an arsehole who pulled the old "window escape" trick on her. FML

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By FootInMyMouth - United States - Miami

Today, a customer brought his cat in to be euthanized. I told him to "have a nice day" as he was leaving. FML

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By myheart75 - Australia

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middleboro

Today, at our wedding, instead of saying "I do", my fiancé paused before saying, "I can't do this", stepped down from the altar and proposed to my maid of honor. When she obviously refused, he ran from the venue bawling. He's not returning my calls. FML

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By Should I stay or go? - United States - Seattle

Today, I was supposed to hear from my supervisor about whether or not my company was going to be letting me go. I've been on continual probation for the last 6 months, waiting to hear when they'll decide. She'd said last Friday that I'd definitely hear from her today. It's now 5:30 p.m. She's gone home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kenosha

Today, I started a new job. The synopsis of my training was, "You're starting a job you're going to hate and you'll be fired for entertaining yourself while waiting for us to give you more work. But you're going to love being here." FML

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By 19collegestudentandpregant - United States - Loretto

Today, I found out my parents are divorcing and my mom is moving out. I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Breaking the news should be fun. FML

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By NotInMiddleSchool - United States

Today, as I was yelled at by a middle school teacher in front of 30 6th graders for breaking the rule of "no cell phones in school." Luckily, I escaped being sent to the office after explaining I'm a 21 year old college student doing student teaching observations, not a middle schooler. FML

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By birdisnottheword - Canada - Edmonton

Today, the phone rang while I was on the toilet. I asked my 3-year-old daughter to answer it, only for her to loudly say, "Mommy's on the toilet pooping." FML

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By cutup - United States - Gainesville

Today, I tried to trim my dog's nails. After about a half hour of barking, biting, and general freaking out, I gave up and decided to pay someone else to do it. I'm a vet, and do this for a living. FML

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By Why

Today, I finally went to have blood taken for an allergy test I really need. Afterwards, I had an allergic reaction to the bandaid they used on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, our 6-month-old is finally sleeping through the night. We thought we'd finally get a good night sleep ourselves, until my dumb husband fell asleep with the tv on and our 5-year-old ended up watching Saw 3 by herself. Now the 5-year-old wakes up with nightmares. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after my second date with an otherwise charming guy, he called me a whore for turning him down for sex. Yeah, I'm trying to work out the logic of that too. FML

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By andi0804 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only call I received was from my stalker, who sang happy birthday with a japanese accent and asked if he could be my "special present". FML

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By - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I made plans with my boyfriend for some "alone time" after work. I then stepped on some black ice in the parking lot, landed on my head, and got sent to the ER. Per protocol, until cleared by a specialist, I am not permitted to work. Or drive. Or drink. Or do anything "strenuous". FML

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By AcademicAdvisor - United States - Boston

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

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By Anonymous

Cats gonna cat

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

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By AllieG33 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, after returning from taking my sister off to college, my parents told me that our house would be a lot quieter with my sister gone. Not because she's loud, but because she has friends and I apparently don't. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML

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By mk - Canada

Today, I had a big craving for a popsicle so I went to a convenience store and bought one. On my first bite, my upper lip got stuck to it. I ripped it off and spent the next 10 minutes trying to stop the bleeding from the giant cut I'd put in my lip. It hurt too much to finish the popsicle. FML

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By robbed - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

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By Voice29 - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend two tickets to a Broadway show that was coming through town she really wanted to see. I couldn't attend with her due to work so she said she would take her mom. I found out later she took her ex. Now they're back together, and I paid for the date that made it happen. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7923886 - Monday 20 July 2020 15:38

Maybe it's because you're really into pussy?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7923884 - Monday 20 July 2020 15:35

What's the problem? Cats are better than people. Ditch your boyfriend, and buy another cat.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7923884 - Monday 20 July 2020 15:35

What's the problem? Cats are better than people. Ditch your boyfriend, and buy another cat.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7923886 - Monday 20 July 2020 15:38

Maybe it's because you're really into pussy?

By bloopaloop | 27

#7923915 - Monday 20 July 2020 17:11

Your boyfriend also has a better relationship with your pussy than with you.

By Brightside86 | 23

#7923983 - Monday 20 July 2020 21:54

That sounds about right, relationships are hard work.

By core01 | 30

#7924040 - Tuesday 21 July 2020 4:31

Don't we all.

By Brittani Luce | 4

#7924227 - Tuesday 21 July 2020 19:55

Well, cats are pretty awesome...

By Davey Crocker | 6

#7924263 - Tuesday 21 July 2020 21:23

You have to ask yourself, with whom do you play with more, the cat or the boyfriend? It sounds like it's time to trade up on the boyfriend.

By Sam Fisher | 13

#7924634 - Thursday 23 July 2020 1:49

I’m with you there....even though my cat just today decided to attack me for the first time in her life (damn next doors cat that got her in the angry state to begin with) I have a better relationship with my cat than I do with my gf...sad lives we live eh?