Kids: Today, I took my kids to an Easter party hosted by a local church.... - FML

By Anonymous - 19/04/2014 00:14 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I took my kids to an Easter party hosted by a local church. The nice lady in charge told the kids, "Jesus died, but He rose to life again!" My 9 year old screamed, "LIKE A ZOMBIE!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 790

You deserved it 8 858

Stop talking!

Commando

Keep it clean

By chachi - 28/09/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, I awoke in bed with my boyfriend and his dog. After some pushing and prodding, I thought my boyfriend was trying to move the dog out of the way to cuddle with me. It turns out, he was moving the dog closer to him. My boyfriend would rather spoon with his dog than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 929

You deserved it 6 661

Get it on, get on with it

By WorkingBlind - 12/10/2021 23:00

Spicy

Today, I was supposed to be working from home. Instead, I ended up taking the kids out to the park for the morning, because my wife “couldn’t even” today. When we got home, she had demolished two bottles of wine, and was masturbating to a home improvement show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 053

You deserved it 147

By Melting in Texas - 09/08/2016 18:56

Today, I discovered that my freezer had died when I saw the contents oozing out the bottom. The now-full trash can won't be picked up for another 6 days, and the high temperatures are supposed to be in the 100s all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 761

You deserved it 933

By lisa - 29/11/2015 16:04 - Australia - Kensington

Today, my sister accused me of "leading on" her creepy best friend and said I should apologize to him for making him think he was going to get lucky. I haven't talked to the guy in over 5 years, except for one random encounter 2 days ago, where all I said was, "Hi, how have you been?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 677

You deserved it 1 380

Tasty!

By Username - 31/01/2011 15:47

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 985

You deserved it 5 709

By sadstorylifee - 26/11/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I had to admit to my parents that the reason I don't want a sixteenth birthday party isn't because I'm being spoiled and I expected my parents to take me on a lavish vacation, but because I don't have any friends to invite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 972

You deserved it 4 689

By Iman - 04/05/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 116 644

You deserved it 293 022

Let it all hang out

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 14:01 - Germany

Today, my mom was pulling up weeds on the terrace while wearing gardening gloves. Why is that worth mentioning? Because that's literally all she was wearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 78

By heartsick - 04/04/2012 05:43 - United States - Davenport

Today, depressed about a recent break-up with my long-term boyfriend, I bought a book about moving on after a relationship ends. The cashier placed some standard promotional fliers in my bag during check-out. Once home, I pulled out the fliers. They were for a married couples retreat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 565

You deserved it 3 023

By none - 28/02/2012 18:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized you should always knock on your parents' door before entering. Even at 6:30 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 894

You deserved it 35 203

You tried

By Loveless - 10/09/2009 06:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, during foreplay, I was trying to be sexy. But instead I fell off the bed, landed in the laundry basket, and was attacked by the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 993

You deserved it 5 652

By awesome - 21/09/2010 04:49 - United States

Today, I ran over my neighbors' cat. I didn't want it to look like I killed it, so I put it under my other neighbor's car so it would look like they ran over it. The cat's owners were watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 314

You deserved it 81 154

By kismet_fire - 04/11/2014 22:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer yelled at me because I gave her a wrinkled bag. I work in retail, and the bags are all cheap plastic. She wouldn't stop, even when I gave her 3 different bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 750

You deserved it 2 699

By shouldabeenapornstar - 17/03/2010 15:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I decided to fake it when my husband and I were making love. Afterwards, he told me that he could tell my head was "really in the game" and felt a stronger connection with me now and was glad I opened up and "let go" with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 191

You deserved it 40 211

By VelociTheRaptor - 23/05/2017 02:00

Today, I was leaving work after a storm. They're building some new offices outside, so I had to walk on an uneven path near the construction zone. I came to a big puddle and tried to jump across to what I thought was a piece of asphalt. It was mud. I slipped and fell backwards into the puddle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 151

You deserved it 752

By Anonymous - 15/11/2012 14:54 - United States - Erie

Today, my family was celebrating my grandma's 90th birthday. I pulled a little prank and got candles that keep relighting. After a few blows, my grandma fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 532

You deserved it 49 410

By MB101 - 28/09/2012 00:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to sing at karaoke. I sang a romantic love ballad to him. He dedicated Rick James' "Super Freak" to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 194

You deserved it 5 291

By SkyDiver - 20/05/2011 07:46

Today, I tore up my airborne academy admission documents because my lab results weren't good enough. A few hours later, they called me to apologize for the misunderstanding, mine turned out to be perfect and they'd accepted me. They need me tomorrow with all the documents to finalize the admission. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 132

You deserved it 42 508

By ringrash - 14/01/2016 06:17 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I finally went to the doctor's office to have a small patch of acne on my stomach looked at. Since it was in an almost perfect circle and abnormally sensitive, I was worried it could be ringworm or some other sort of skin infection. It turned out to be an infection alright. Herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 941

You deserved it 4 337

By Anonymous - 23/08/2019 16:00

Today, I was at an outdoor market with my family. We'd had dinner and were about to leave when 2 women stood next to our table, smoking. We called out to let them know they could have it, as we were leaving. They thought we were complaining about the smoke. They yelled at us and stormed off, while the other tables stared. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 159

By epicsquishii - 01/05/2012 11:02 - United States - Riverbank

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend yet again unsuccessfully tried to hold in uncontrollable giggling every time I moaned or sighed during sex. He's 24. I'm terrified of his reaction should I ever reach an orgasm with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 843

You deserved it 3 440

By Noname - 05/02/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I finally stood up to a bully who had been messing with me for over a year. His response? He picked up the chair I was sitting in and threw me across the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 098

You deserved it 4 133

By mistickfae - 29/10/2012 18:42 - United States

Today, I was complimented for having amazingly lifelike warts as part of my witch costume, and was asked how I achieved the effect so well. I didn't have the heart to admit they were just my pimples under green makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 858

You deserved it 2 243

By Anonymous - 10/07/2014 17:52 - United States - Bremerton

Today, my ex told me that she's 3 weeks pregnant with my child. Not only was she on her period when I broke up with her last week, her friend let me know that the positive pregnancy test she showed me was a fake that she'd bought online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 550

You deserved it 5 409

By ihateguys - 26/09/2014 19:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I heard my boyfriend talking with my father in the backyard. I thought he was asking for my hand in marriage. He was actually telling him about his plans to break up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 882

You deserved it 3 986

Grind mindset

By failedgamer01 - 30/09/2021 05:00 - United States - Mount Laurel

Today, someone I work with embarrassed me in front of everyone in my job; because I wasn’t doing something the way she liked during our meeting this morning. I ended up crying in front of my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 823

You deserved it 132

By anonymous - 27/10/2009 13:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years gave me the silent treatment, refusing to talk to me or do anything more than glare at me during the entire three hour drive we took this morning. Why? Because I slept with his best friend. In his dream last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 388

You deserved it 7 291

By fuck_thisshit - 09/11/2009 10:27 - Australia

Today, we got our results for our final grade English paper on which I worked my butt off on, and also which I let my best-friend copy off from. I received a E- and two detentions for plagiarism. My friend got a A minus. All she said was "oh well, at least you tried your best". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 285

You deserved it 53 713

Gentle

By Ash_The_Unicorn - 20/08/2020 14:05

Today, after losing my father a little over 6 months ago, and finally feeling comfortable talking to my fiancé (who lives with me and my family) about it, my mother forced her way into the room and started yelling at me for crying. Her excuse, "It’s after your bedtime." I’m 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 721

You deserved it 422

By hifhfan - 05/06/2014 11:12 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I entered my late twenties. My hair's falling out and I'm putting on weight at light speed. At least I can keep my youthful appearance with the acne I still suffer from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 786

You deserved it 5 074

By Soapy - 06/04/2017 16:00

Today, I got a gift from my ex-boyfriend who's currently studying abroad. He got me a really creepy snowglobe for my "collection" as a sweet gesture, maybe to win me back. Except I don't collect snowglobes. He'd confused me with the girl he cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 711

You deserved it 410

By littledipper - 25/09/2013 03:51 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 929

You deserved it 4 612

We're up all night to not get some

By Anonymous - 21/03/2020 03:00

Spicy

Today, I must be the only woman on the planet with a boyfriend who turns down sex because he feels like he’s got a headache coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 858

You deserved it 499

By KieRendan - 25/05/2012 19:59 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, due to an unforeseen pipe-related incident, I had to shave my legs in my backyard fish pond, while a plumber assessed the damage to my war-zone of a bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 819

You deserved it 3 487

Not a morning person

By Anonymous - 15/07/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I was woken up by the sound of someone in my room. I started freaking out, thinking someone had broken in, so I kicked them, only to realise it was my boyfriend coming back from the toilet. I'd forgotten he was staying over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 495

You deserved it 644

By Anonymous - 30/03/2013 20:38 - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 435

You deserved it 15 593

By anonymous - 20/10/2010 06:38 - New Zealand

Today, I got so nervous that I actually peed my pants during a job interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 541

You deserved it 13 344

Showing

By Anonymous - 02/06/2021 14:01

Today, I recorded a 20-minute TED talk and told my students to watch it on the app in preparation for next terms projects. I got bombarded with messages from my students, telling me that because I was sat down on a chair while recording, certain camera angles could see straight up my skirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 515

Always carry around a pencil with you

By Anonymous - 22/03/2021 21:30 - United States

Today, while at work, I took one of the biggest dumps I've taken in my life. The turd was so big, I took a pencil and chopped it into small pieces because I was afraid it would clog up the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 695

You deserved it 196

Cats are like drugs

By Anonymous - 22/05/2021 23:01 - Turkey - Adana

Today, I'd agreed to watch my friend's cats for a few weeks. I'd always promised myself not to become a "crazy cat lady" like her. It's the third day and I danced with the cats and apologised to them for my bad dancing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 705

You deserved it 401

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:19

Well that kid definitely deserves a raise in his allowance!

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:20

Well that's one way for the church to market Jesus to kids. Also 3 days to respawn like in video games.

Comments

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:19

Well that kid definitely deserves a raise in his allowance!

FracturedMinds 21

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:29

Agreed. That's one kid who's ready for the zombie apocalypse.

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:45

Jesus actually died for our sins and sacrificed his life for us. Then after 3 days he rose again from the dead and later ascended into Heaven. Amen.

BrokenDreamer24 14

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 14:04

As much as some people appreciate your correction, I think you missed the joke man.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 14:41

Sweet zombie Jesus!

Lomus 24

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 17:36

#14, we didn't come here for a sermon. Plus, as someone said before me, it was a joke, though few religious folk tend to get them.

rocker_chick23 27

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 18:12

#14: The joke went way over your head.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 18:52

Why da fudge are you doing #14?

wannabeactress71 8

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 19:22

Agreed, if it was my kid I would've high-fived him/her right there and then.

Vitotaylor36 13

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 19:47

I'm religious, and I got it. I think that's hilarious.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 21:39

your kid is awesome.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:20

Well that's one way for the church to market Jesus to kids. Also 3 days to respawn like in video games.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:35

You need to try out more instaspawn servers if you're waiting three days.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:59

That must be one long ass game of Counter Strike if it takes 3 days to respawn.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 14:01

Flashbangs blind for 2 hours; imagine that?

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:25

If my kid said that, I'd be proud.

pjsr 32

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 15:09

Don't most zombie movies/games have ratings which would exclude 9 year olds?

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 15:53

the ratings given state that the parent could decide whether the child watches it or not. my 10 year old cousin isnt afraid of them, so she watches the walking dead with her older sister and dad.

rocker_chick23 27

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 18:17

38: Your point is? My parents let me play M rated games and watch R rated movies when I was 9.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:26

I don't know if she worded that properly haha! As a 9 year old i probably would have had the same thing pop in my mind! But if it was my kid...we would've gone out for ice cream later

DrHail 22

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:26

Smart kid! No way this is an FML! Be proud.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:30

Genius! Your kid will do great things. Be proud.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:36

You should let your kid talk to the Jehovah's Witness people who bang on your door, it would make an interesting conversation

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 17:41

I'm a religious person, but even i had to laugh at that. Well done.

LostInTheZone11 28

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:37

Well, your kid is not exactly wrong.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:38

Out of the mouths of babes.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 15:07

She's 9. She is in like 3rd grade. She is specifically trying to be funny.

Mynamewontfi 40

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 13:39

Your kid is awesome. And he/she isn't far off with the comparison.

Send a private message

Saturday 19 April 2014 17:50

if that was my kid I would have been so proud. that being said I bet the lady didn't appreciate his thoughts on it

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 47

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 38