Miscellaneous: Today, I went to a party dressed as a zombie. Everyone admired... - FML

By tinydancer - 10/05/2012 18:10 - United States - Richmond

Today, I went to a party dressed as a zombie. Everyone admired my hilarious "zombie dancing". Those were my regular dance moves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 156

You deserved it 5 207

The smell detective is on the case

Broken heart

Dementia or hate? You decide

Traditions suck

By Anonymous - 09/01/2021 08:01

Today, I found out the girl who ghosted me a month ago is engaged. Not only is she engaged, but she is in an arranged marriage. And not only is she going to be married, but she still has feelings for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 814

You deserved it 84

Humorless parents are the worst

By druglord - 28/06/2020 14:10

Today, I asked my parents if I could have their old Polaroid camera so I could take artsy pictures, but they got all defensive, because, "Polaroid pictures can’t be traced." So I jokingly said I was using it to take pictures of my drug cartel to have a record of my stocks, and now they think I’m some sort of drug lord. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 232

You deserved it 425

By Anonymous - 09/04/2017 16:00

Today, I got in an argument with my wife. I told her that I feel like she immediately disagrees with anything I say. She immediately disagreed and said she never does that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 818

You deserved it 684

By sweetie808 - 28/01/2016 08:39 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 658

You deserved it 1 775

By mrtoolate - 19/06/2016 08:58 - India - Pune

Today, after a lifetime of being single, my parents finally found me a nice, intelligent, pretty girl. I was really excited, until she backed out on me when she found out our star signs don't match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 826

You deserved it 1 710

By youwouldbeacat - 28/04/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that were in a plastic container out of the fridge and put them on top of the chips. After I’m completely done eating my mom looks in the fridge and asked me if I knew where the cat food was. I just ate a small can of cat food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 729

You deserved it 53 473

By drunkboysgf - 21/10/2011 07:39 - Canada

Today, I had to get my boyfriend's mom to help me get my boyfriend in his house because he was so drunk. He broke up with me for getting him in trouble. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 534

You deserved it 5 205

By Anonymous - 02/10/2009 19:30 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her underwear in my backpack. I wish she had told me, because it slipped into a folder that contained my project data for my professor. So, after class, I got sent to the Dean of Students' office to talk about sexual harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 211

You deserved it 3 288

By Mike - 16/10/2012 08:07 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's school saying to pick him up because he'd shat his pants. He's in high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 293

You deserved it 2 976

Minor Threat

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 20:24 - France - Paris

Spicy

Today, after a big argument, my girlfriend looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I can go the rest of my life without sex, you know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 269

You deserved it 13 239

By Bethany - 20/01/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I called my ex boyfriend to tell him that not only am I still in love with him, I'm also three months pregnant with his child. Upon hearing the news, he swore, called me a pathetic liar, swore some more, and hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 369

You deserved it 15 791

Professional.

By Anonymous - 23/06/2018 19:00

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for racism after I refused to hire a black woman. I didn't hire her because she came to the interview wearing what was basically a bikini and she was covered in tattoos depicting lewd sex acts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 362

You deserved it 284

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 20:13 - France

Spicy

Today, I had an asthma attack because I was masturbating too vigorously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 737

You deserved it 46 706

By cadillacfrank - 24/07/2011 21:01 - United States

Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 791

You deserved it 36 487

By destiny147 - 30/11/2009 12:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook. He untagged himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 867

You deserved it 19 512

By Anonymous - 03/12/2014 18:34 - United States - Hartford

Today, I realized that although I'm dating the most loveable, caring and genuine man, the fact that he's a crack addict means I'll never be his drug of choice when he needs a hit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 866

You deserved it 21 514

By Anonymous - 15/02/2015 00:34 - United States - Mentor

Today, my daughter got her first period. Nobody was home but my husband. He didn't know what to do, except give her a sponge to put in her underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 829

You deserved it 4 154

By tanisLX - 25/10/2014 21:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to the police station to find out if the tint on my new car's windshield was too dark. The officer took one look, told me that windshield tints are illegal in California, and ticketed me. So much for being honest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 135

You deserved it 9 648

By anbrown6 - 12/04/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I found my dog, who had been missing for over a month, at the local pound. Clearly it was my dog, she responded to her name and cried when she saw me. However, the woman there told me I could not simply take her, I had to follow through with all policies. I paid $250 to adopt my own dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 581

You deserved it 9 752

By Dilly - 10/10/2010 20:29 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was tidying my room when my gran came in and offered to help. I said I didn't need any, but she started going through it anyway. She found a tube of "Very Cherry" lube and asked what it was. I subtly tore off the label and tried to convince her it was a face mask. She's taken it to try it out tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 709

You deserved it 9 234

By SkyDiver - 20/05/2011 07:46

Today, I tore up my airborne academy admission documents because my lab results weren't good enough. A few hours later, they called me to apologize for the misunderstanding, mine turned out to be perfect and they'd accepted me. They need me tomorrow with all the documents to finalize the admission. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 132

You deserved it 42 508

By ohdang - 12/08/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, whilst babysitting, I broke a glass. I explained to the kid that it was very important not to walk barefoot around where it had happened, because of the tiny bits of glass. He jumped back, scared, and while doing so tripped. I rushed to help him and ran through the broken glass. Barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 279

You deserved it 12 844

My fingernail

By Krazydude1000 - 03/01/2020 14:00

Today, I found out that my old DVD player stopped reading my movie disks. I had the dumb idea to stick my finger in there to see what was the problem. I found the problem, and that was that my fingernail wasn't on my finger after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 645

You deserved it 2 031

By Username - 14/08/2011 17:44 - United States

Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 740

You deserved it 10 455

By Munch - 12/09/2017 04:00 - Australia - Mordialloc

Today, my short-tempered, alcoholic boyfriend proudly showed me the rifle he bought. This guy regularly swears at his own sneezes and often flies into fits of rage because it's hard to get his shoe on. Time to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 214

You deserved it 867

By Anonymous - 06/07/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Halstead

Today, I was on a date with my boyfriend when he suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. A waiter tripped over him and spilled our food all over him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 535

You deserved it 486

By disappoint - 08/12/2011 09:14 - United States

Today, my sister's boyfriend said the only thing he'd change about her was her last name. My boyfriend told me he'd change the shape of my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 015

You deserved it 3 762

By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 18:22 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 112

You deserved it 4 187

By porcelainleigh - 23/11/2016 19:41 - United States

Today, I got engaged. I called my mom and told her. "You didn't say yes, did you?" she said. Afterwards, I told my dad. "Uh, Congratulations. But, I have questions." Thanks guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 444

You deserved it 1 051

By PineapplePizza - 15/08/2016 07:41 - United States - Irwin

Today, I should be starting my last year of college next week. But no. My old advisor messed up my schedule so badly that there's no way I'll graduate for another year. So I'll be in school five years for a four year program because as a freshman I thought my advisor was helping me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 771

You deserved it 1 364

By YeahWhatOkay - 09/02/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I looked at the facebook of the girl I really liked, and I saw she wrote on her friend's wall "Last night was the biggest mistake of my life." We hooked up last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 330

You deserved it 4 807

By sunkissedberries - 15/07/2010 04:12 - United States

Today, I ran into my boyfriend. The same guy that told me he was still in Florida with his family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 579

You deserved it 3 857

By Anonymous - 21/01/2015 05:34

Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 273

You deserved it 3 967

By fukinlonely - 12/01/2015 12:53 - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 634

You deserved it 4 194

By anonymous - 05/01/2013 16:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, I started charging my phone in the car during a family road trip. The car recognized my iPhone as an MP3 player and started playing the audio from the porn video I watched before we left. Everybody heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 649

You deserved it 44 017

By anonymous - 27/12/2011 22:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 337

You deserved it 2 631

By ohno - 13/07/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I was invited over to a dinner with the CEOs of my company, along with my two children. My 3 year-old asked loudly why we have two "nose holes", to which my 4 year-old son replied "So you can pick your nose and still breathe!" He then demonstrated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 208

You deserved it 7 031

Get with the times

By Anonymous - 01/11/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss's daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 102

You deserved it 3 368

By Anonymous - 16/05/2014 21:07 - United States

Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 332

You deserved it 9 967

By schellbytheseashore - 21/02/2009 07:30 - United States

Today, during a text conversation with a girl I've been trying to get with, she complained about how crummy of a day she was having. I told her it couldn't be as bad as she thought, and she would probably get it over it soon. Then she told me she had found out her cousin had been murdered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 100

You deserved it 13 314

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:07

Just go with it..

TehShowstopper 6

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:09

you dont tell them that though

Comments

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:07

Just go with it..

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:13

1-your icon is my spirit animal.

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Friday 11 May 2012 0:05

You can walk the zombie walk, but can you talk the zombie talk? Eeeeeuuuuahrhghy Braaaaaiinnnnss

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Friday 11 May 2012 1:11

just wait until thriller comes on and go crazy. then you'll have an excuse.

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Friday 11 May 2012 5:09

LOL! Remember when that song was the most popular song ever known to man? Wow good times... Amd kids even listen to ti these days too! (I was on my 12 year olds ipod touch and found the song in her secret folder)!!!

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Friday 11 May 2012 7:32

65 - you have a twelve year old and you're only 18 ... how did you manage to do that ?

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Friday 11 May 2012 7:38

Ya just go with it and every time you go to parties just wear the costume and zombie dance man.

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Friday 11 May 2012 9:04

65, I remember when the Backstreet Boys did a zombie video. Yay, 90's kids!

adzz90 16

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Friday 11 May 2012 12:48

65- iPods don't have secret folders

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Friday 11 May 2012 19:08

You were just that good!

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Saturday 12 May 2012 5:46

74- twelve year old SISTER!

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Saturday 12 May 2012 5:49

79- Theres an app for that!

the_hungry_one 10

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Friday 25 July 2014 0:19

I would have done that

TehShowstopper 6

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:09

you dont tell them that though

lopsop 12

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Friday 11 May 2012 0:32

You don't say they are and you don't say your joking. Just laugh and don't say anything when they ask.

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Friday 11 May 2012 3:33

^ they didn't ask anything

ALlamaOnFire 20

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:09

You need some new moves girl!

1215116a 14

Thursday 10 May 2012 23:09

You dance with your arms straight out?

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:18

and gnawing on someone's head while she's at it

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Friday 11 May 2012 2:21

When you dance, you're supposed to have fun. Zombies have no expressions.

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Friday 11 May 2012 2:36

Maybe OP did the thriller

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:09

Everyone knows that zombies have the best moves!

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:09

The Dancing Dead? I smell a spin-off!

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:09

Well let's look at what we have achieved. People admire your dancing and you can zombie dance. So if there is a zombie apocalypse you can dance your way to safety through the hordes of the undead.

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Friday 11 May 2012 0:27

*Cue Thriller music*

Ohreo 2

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Friday 11 May 2012 1:53

An excellent compliment for both of you, my good sirs

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:11

I have no rhythm. I can't even dance like a zombie.

perdix 29

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:14

You probably ought to limber up a bit before you go dancing. YDI for taking dance lessons at the Uptight White Guy School of Dance. Didja learn the overbite on Day One?

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:29

And here I thought you'd, instead, make a comment about the OP sounding like Elaine from Seinfeld.(:

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:30

Elaine is an awesome dancer!!!

perdix 29

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:39

Nah, Enslaved, zombies can't do the thumbs and kicks with such spastic flare. A full-body dry heave, I believe her dance has been described.

PrincessPesa 20

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:42

Apparently OP could learn a lot from me.

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:51

Haha, 28. I saw that we posted at the same time, talking about Seinfeld. I never watched the show until recently. Now I know what everyone is talking about. :P Living under a rock is not fun!

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Thursday 10 May 2012 23:15

At least it made you look good as your character

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 14

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 697

You deserved it 54

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 253