Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents over dinner. During the meal, he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he didn't come back after a few minutes, I went to check up on him. I ended up finding him in the living room, pocketing a pack of ambien from my mom's bag. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend and I snuck into the bathroom together at his house for a quickie. Just as we unzipped our pants, his step-dad knocked on the door. Panicking, I jumped into the closet to hide. When his step-dad came in, he went to put some towels away. In the closet. FML
Today, my boyfriend didn't come home from a night of drinking with the boys again, so I told him that I was packing my things and I wouldn't be here when he came home. After all my things were packed, I realized he drove my car to the bar. FML
Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML
Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't home. It would have been great, except my dad went in my room to put laundry away. FML
Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I have an extra key. I snuck into his bed with sleep with him and noticed how soft his skin was. Turns out I had been feeling up the girl he was sleeping with and he was in the bathroom. FML
Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming, "What the fuck?!" FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML
Today, after weeks of coming home to find my furniture all tipped over, thinking the place was haunted, and accepting my boyfriend's offers to come over and "comfort" me, I came home from work early. I found my boyfriend in the kitchen, kicking over all the chairs. FML
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Top comments
KatherineAnne 7
You sure know how to pick um! Haha
chick92282 15
And then you broke up with the thieving little slime, right? PLEASE tell me you broke up with the @ss!
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Comments (178)
MerrikBarbarian 9
The question comes, since sleeping pills aren't really big street drugs... Who was he planning to use them on? You or him? Hopefully he's now your ex
rubberduckie94 13
Maybe he was stealing sleeping pills do he did not have to listen to you?
TheElderTROLLZ 15
Repeat the second half of that sentence, please.
TheElderTROLLZ 15
Wait! Nevermind. You ment "so." *hug*
rubberduckie94 13
It's ok. I have new press on nails. My husband had been complaining about my texts all night while he is at work.
KeannaLove 32
Ambien is actually a very addicting drug which is why it's controlled because so many people abuse it. (Dont want to sound like a know it all, it's just I'm a pharmacy tech and I see it all the time.)
polkadots123 2
What's ambien?
Minna_fml 14
What's Google?
Angelrose2004 17
A prescribed sleeping pill that causes some to wake up in jail because of driving recklessly with no memory of the event.
florido_fml 10
Why go to google when you can ask the people duhhhh idiot
coried91 28
If you ask the people you will get answers like 55's. While I think the answers can be funny, google just makes life easier.
Phobetor 5
That is classic addict behavior. If you like him, try to get him help. If he won't get help, get rid of him as fast as you can.
paddy9238 1
*** yassssssss
qchabs4lifeqc 7
Ahh, that's a nice man...
Semsong 3
Just an early Dowry...
alycion 39
He was probably going to sell them to buy you something nice. Sigh people like him is why it's near impossible to get certain meds. And that's a pretty low form of thieving. Either he's looking for a quick buck or a quick high but yet he doesn't care that who he is taking them from will not have what they need. People like him are who swipe painkillers from people fresh out if surgery.
asktherunes 4
He's a keeper..........