Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the...

By Whoops - 28/1/2010 20:21 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML

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Love

Family values

Great boyfriend

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By roflcopter - 19/8/2010 00:53 - United States

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2013 07:02 - United States - San Jose

Today, after working out at the gym, I went to grab my bag, and realized that my phone was missing. Panicking, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my phone, and dialed my mom's number to tell her I'd lost it. It took me until the last ring to realize what I was doing. FML

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By Boo - 14/7/2011 08:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

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By maaaryy - 7/1/2009 05:53 - France

Today, I went into a shop, not really completely awake. To get to the upper floor, I took the escalator... in the wrong direction. After about 30 seconds (which seemed like hours) trying to climb up the wrong way, my brain started working and by that time I already had a few amused spectators watching me. FML

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By nen_00 - 14/9/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I realized the guy I've been hooking up with has a daughter who is a year younger than me. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also found out she had a child of her own. I've been hooking up with a grandpa. FML

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By Loner - 19/9/2017 19:30 - United States - Paramus

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

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By ktm1313 - 26/1/2016 21:38 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2013 21:10 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, one of my co-workers was fired after my manager discovered him pissing in the office coffee pot. I had three cups before I found out what had happened. FML

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By elijahrobrt - 7/1/2012 06:48 - United States

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

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By Icy - 25/10/2008 16:56

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By tstaeger - 24/7/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, I tried drinking "Smart Water" for the first time. I couldn't figure out how to open the bottle. FML

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By Pip - 23/2/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she said her husband was going to divorce her for seeing me. FML

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By ekaay - 16/1/2018 15:00

Today, whilst cleaning the living room, I heard snickering coming from my bedroom. My two nephews had found my "play cupboard" and were blowing up condoms like balloons. FML

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By Dezzmond68 - 15/9/2016 20:26 - Canada - Aylmer

Today, I got in trouble at work because the person whom I trained, and had done everything correctly with no mistakes and said he was comfortable being on his own when I asked, was screwing it all up over the course of 6 weeks. When I asked him, he said, "I think my way's better than yours." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2014 16:09 - Norway - Egersund

Today, my 17-year-old son managed to easily convince my 13-year-old daughter that if you have sex before getting married, you'll instantly get horrible diseases that will kill you. Her freaking out is how I found out she's not only gullible as hell, but sexually active as well. FML

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By Terrance - 14/8/2019 23:01 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, I tried to point out to a chap in a van waiting at the lights that his tyre was flat, and that the rim had been spitting sparks all the way down the road. I was told in no uncertain terms, “Mind your own bleedin' business!” FML

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By erinbarto - 17/10/2019 20:00

Soon.

Today, I listened to my mom having a conversation with my dog, asking him if he ate my hamster. My hamster isn't even dead. FML

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By pugs - 29/1/2010 08:43 - France

Today, the girl I've been dating asked me to describe her body. I said "Thin an toned but curvy in all the right places." I then asked her the same question to which she replied, "I don't know, you know I'm always drunk when we're together." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2012 06:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

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By imabadperson - 6/3/2010 12:24 - United States

Today, I introduced myself as a sex addict, as a joke, to break the ice while meeting new people. One of my friends took me seriously and said he was a porn addict. He told me how happy he was that he had found someone else who had the same feelings and was so happy he could confide in me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2019 01:00 - United States

Laying eggs!

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

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By sumerflame07 - 1/12/2010 20:18 - United States

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, the elderly lady in front of me had forgotten to pay for her milk. In the spirit of the season, I paid for it and wished her happy holidays. She snatched the milk and gave me an ugly look. Then huffed at me before stomping off. FML

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By Watsausrname - 14/6/2016 02:31

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2018 22:24

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

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By KayEffEh - 17/9/2014 21:22 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my girlfriend admitted that she "probably wasn't even sober" when I asked her out and she said yes. Our almost 2-year relationship is the longest drunken mistake ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I gave a carpet shampooing demonstration in a stranger's home. To my surprise, the white expensive carpet was dyed grey due to something in the solution. The owner held me hostage in her house by barracading the door until my manager got there. FML

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By gregoyles - 15/2/2009 09:06 - United States

Today, I saw my male boss holding a purse. Just to be a smart ass, I made fun of him as if the purse was his. It was his. FML

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By HereWeGoAgain - 22/9/2017 13:00

Romance in Appalachia

Today, my mother beamingly asked for my opinion on her wedding dress. She is engaged to her cousin. Conveniently, they already have the same last name. FML

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By creepedoutmom - 17/5/2015 16:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 11:38 - United States

Today, I learned that when the power goes out at my house, my family thinks you can no longer flush the toilet. FML

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By UglyGirl - 8/11/2015 09:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML

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By fart - 27/11/2014 15:13 - United States - Houghton Lake

Today, I farted while asking a girl out to dinner. FML

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By HGTV - 1/10/2013 18:43 - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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By as-salamu alaykum, motherfucker - 5/4/2014 22:04 - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, I was having my birthday party. My dad showed up late, blind drunk, and drove his car straight through my garage door. FML

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By Bambusmaster - 13/9/2018 18:50

Sobering.

Today, I'm on vacation with my best friends. We went to a club and I drunk texted my girlfriend of 1 year about how nice everything is and how much I miss her. She responded by breaking up with me because she likes me more as a friend. FML

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By james88 - 7/1/2013 21:39 - United States - Altoona

Today, in an elaborate plan to finally meet my cute neighbor, I convinced my friendly mailman to switch up our mail so I'd have an excuse to meet her. After I delivered her mail, I waited for her to mention that she had my mail, but she never did. I even saw her take it out of her mail box. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, I checked into my flight early. The kiosk asked me if I wanted an earlier flight for $50. Awesome. I swiped my card then continued to the next screen where I was informed my new flight was delayed to the same time as my original flight. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2019 05:00

Excitation morning

Today, while I was in bed, my cat licked my nipple. It turned me on. FML

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By kay - 1/6/2012 21:08 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, a homeless guy grabbed me and started ranting that "the Mayans were right" or some shit. He was making about as much sense as Charlie Sheen outside of a padded cell, so I shoved him away. That's when he decided to pull a knife and chase me all the way to my car. FML

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By girlsgottagotoo - 26/6/2016 20:52 - United States - Covina

Today, I passed a cashier when I came into a store. Later I passed him again as I was leaving, and he asked me if I needed help finding something because I had been in the store for a while. I told him I had been browsing upstairs, but in reality, I had been in the restroom the whole time. FML

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Top comments

By killabee | 0

#805866 - Friday 29 January 2010 1:15

A voice coming from his pants? "OMG! That thing talks?!?! ...oh it's just my dad."

By BadPinkKitty07 | 0

#805823 - Friday 29 January 2010 1:05

amazing... simply amazing. imma say YDI.

Comments

By BadPinkKitty07 | 0

#805823 - Friday 29 January 2010 1:05

amazing... simply amazing. imma say YDI.

BlueJeans2626 | 0

#806246 - Friday 29 January 2010 3:53

karma (:

reneetlovesyou | 30

#6005451 - Saturday 12 July 2014 2:20

Agreed, if you're not old enough to be out on your own without a curfew, there's a good chance you shouldn't be participating in those activities.

By iankennedy17 | 0

#805824 - Friday 29 January 2010 1:05

so I guess you won't be seeing him for a while, eh?

HeresReality | 0

#805864 - Friday 29 January 2010 1:15

pocket dialing has nothing to do with this fml actually. the gist of this fml is she wasn't home on time

irsmeagol | 0

#805978 - Friday 29 January 2010 1:51

the question still stands fyi...

Kylias | 6

#806027 - Friday 29 January 2010 2:08

Actually pocket-dialing has a lot to do with the FML. If he didn't pocket-dial, the parents wouldn't have been notified and there would be no FML.

RKftw | 0

#806128 - Friday 29 January 2010 3:01

the gist of this fml was her parents heard her maing out too lol

petrcech_fml | 0

#806268 - Friday 29 January 2010 4:01

Nick got played spread the word

HunYoCrazy | 0

#806467 - Friday 29 January 2010 5:40

ghcc

EastonxStealth | 0

#806481 - Friday 29 January 2010 5:43

hehe gist

joker141 | 0

#806738 - Friday 29 January 2010 8:50

what you need is a boyfriend who will run there toungue down ur crack...mmmmm I love smelly butt

TomFantastic | 0

#807355 - Friday 29 January 2010 15:40

68 makes a fine point

mellie1029 | 0

#808332 - Friday 29 January 2010 23:40

wat?

zoe_zoe_fml | 0

#1076475 - Saturday 10 July 2010 5:45

I did that before!!! I was skipping and my dad called and I accidently answered! I managed to get out of it:)

By iankennedy17 | 0

#805827 - Friday 29 January 2010 1:06

so I guess you won't be seeing him for a while, eh?

By supergamer94 | 0

#805830 - Friday 29 January 2010 1:06

YDI for not being home on time.

pwincessa23 | 1

#806644 - Friday 29 January 2010 7:26

Was she not home on time or did she sneak out?

elektrik_fml | 0

#808144 - Friday 29 January 2010 22:14

Oh come on. Like everybody here is always home when your parents say to. Stop acting you you're all god-like children who have never disobeyed (a possibly) unreasonable thing.