Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't home. It would have been great, except my dad went in my room to put laundry away. FML

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BO Central

Coherence dude, do you have it?

You tried

By Dead_Fox - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, it's day 9 of my honeymoon. It's also day 8 of my period and day 7 of food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

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By jkin47 - United States

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

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By theholt - United States

Today, I saw a man on the bus with the strangest band shirt I have ever seen. I could not help but stare at it and try and figure what the band was, until he turned to me and said "why not take a picture asshole?" then got off the bus. As he walked away I saw that he was missing an arm. FML

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By tbree - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hatfield

Today, away at college, I called my grandmother to hear how she was doing after her knee surgery. She ended up talking about Hooters and how I should work there because of my "rare body". When I mentioned I've been studying computer science, earning a 3.8 GPA, she replied, "But you're a girl." FML

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By chuchundra - United States

Today, I got back from a two-week vacation. During my vacation, I had a friend from work watch my puppy. My puppy now likes him more than me, and won't stop whining sadly since he left. FML

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By xswitch74 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I discovered that if I work out, I can't get an erection, but if I don't work out, my penis functions fine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't a professional bodybuilder. FML

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By Samprib - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

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By isabellam0426

Today, while teaching my history class, a girl asked me where North America was. She lives in North America. FML

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By Erbtosis - United States - Seattle

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

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By whatajerk - United States - Gainesville

Today, my dad rejected my birthday present to him because it was "Made in China." FML

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By hamsterlovinn - United States

Today, we got my brother a pet hamster because he has trouble making friends. We thought a hamster would be a good way to teach him about caring for others. I walked into the room and the hamster was hanging from the ceiling. Turns out there's a reason my brother doesn't have friends. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

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By justmyluck25 - United States

Today, my parents met my fiancée's parents for the first time in a large family gathering two weeks before our formal wedding. Both sets of parents were telling funny stories about our pasts. My dad's story won. He told how I spent a week in jail earlier this year. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2021 14:01

All over

Today, after I had my wisdom teeth cut out yesterday, so of course I’m in pain. To top it off, I threw my back out today and can’t bend over. So in the end, I’m loopy from pain meds and my back hurts twice as bad as my mouth. Go figure. FML

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By Alisha - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture of yours truly hanging above her toilet, and I asked why it was there. She shrugged and said, "Because the thought of you makes me want to take a shit?" FML

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By Champs - Australia

Today, I downloaded the 'Dark was the Night' compilation made for charity. I have no soul. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Stafford

Today, my best friend finally broke up with her knob of a boyfriend. This would be great except now my boyfriend of two years has broken up with me because she's finally single. She introduced us. FML

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By Kat - France

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

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By sleepingbeauty - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

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By

Today, I noticed that my 80-year-old mother has gone through 50+ bottles of my home-made wine. She only moved in with me a month ago. And now I have no wine. FML

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By gr8terevil - United States

Today, the men clearing the walkway outside my dorm room, with a snowblower didn't realize that my window was open. I looked over from my computer to see snow shooting in, covering my clock, closet, and radio. And now it's melting. FML

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By StickyWicket

Today, at work where I'm a physiotherapist, I was helping a patient with lower back pain. While I was massaging him, he shat himself. FML

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By wellfuck - United States - Lexington

Today, I realized I get more pleasure watching YouTube videos of people lighting their farts on fire than I do from making love to my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, my family and I went to a beach where you could swim with dolphins. I was a little scared to swim with them so the trainers had a 5 minute chat to me about how they were harmless creatures. Once I got in, the dolphin attacked me and bit me. FML

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By Mils - Australia - Blackburn

Maternal monitoring

Today, I learned the hard way that my parents leave the baby monitor in my room when my boyfriend stays over. FML

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By scarred - France

Today, I found out my mom is the nude model for an art class at my college. FML

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By ImprovTeacher

Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

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By greenintheface - United States

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me until I heard, "Honey, what did you make me for dinner?" FML

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By itsemilyc - United States - Byron Center

Today, my boyfriend "accidentally" had sex with my roommate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

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By Highnapple - Canada - Sarnia

Today, my boyfriend was pleasuring me with his hands. After two years of being together, he was finally about to make me orgasm for the first time by himself. Just as I was reaching my peak, he orgasmed at the thought of finishing me off and stopped. FML

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By ijustwantpizza - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was having a cheat meal after 2 weeks of strict dieting. When I opened the pizza box, I saw a cockroach. It'd been baked into the cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I decided to use hand sanitizer to mask the smell of my armpits at work. Not only did it intensify the stench, my boss thinks I have a drinking problem, because I vaguely smelled of alcohol. I was too embarrassed to explain. FML

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By Heifer - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

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By peachass - Australia - Melbourne

Today at work, a woman decided to use the changing room as a public toilet, to wipe the urine with the clothes she tried on, then leave the mess along with her soiled underwear and a used maxi pad for me to clean up. FML

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By Smitty Werbenjeagermanjensen - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had a conversation with the cute girl I like at work for the first time. I told her I worked in the camping department of the store, and we had a long chat about how she heard that the guy who runs that department is a complete dick head. I am the guy who runs that department. FML

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Top comments

By Aphrodite | 20

#7827543 - Thursday 1 August 2019 7:24

This is why you tell people before you just show up places

By RichardPencil | 29

#7827592 - Thursday 1 August 2019 10:21

I’ll bet your boyfriend ran away screaming. Once he learns that in your family, men do laundry ... aieeeee! The horror!

COMMENTS

By Aphrodite | 20

#7827543 - Thursday 1 August 2019 7:24

This is why you tell people before you just show up places

By KingAdrock | 16

#7827579 - Thursday 1 August 2019 9:12

Why would you want your boyfriend in your room when you're not there? And don't "kids today" have these new, magical things called cell phones? How could he not know whether you're home or not, unless he's a total idiot?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7827592 - Thursday 1 August 2019 10:21

I’ll bet your boyfriend ran away screaming. Once he learns that in your family, men do laundry ... aieeeee! The horror!

By alycion | 38

#7827596 - Thursday 1 August 2019 10:36

He learned the hard way that nobody really likes true surprises.