Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't... - FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend sneaked into my room, not knowing I wasn't home. It would have been great, except my dad went in my room to put laundry away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1161

You deserved it

391

Tweet

Share

Family values

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Alternative medicine is bull

By baby_trex_arms - 5/5/2015 15:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40233

You deserved it

5668

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/10/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table when some guys approached us. One of them started telling me about his recent adventures through Europe and was very interesting. Something warm hit my leg and I realized the guy was urinating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41342

You deserved it

2789

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my boyfriend come over for dinner for the first time. It was all going well until my dad started explaining to my boyfriend how to use toilet paper. He even demonstrated it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34833

You deserved it

3231

Tweet

Share

By Sammylad - 7/9/2011 22:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was giving a talk in class, when halfway through someone pointed out that my pubes were sticking out my trousers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30818

You deserved it

15269

Tweet

Share

By ineedbetterfriends - 15/6/2013 21:08 - Netherlands - Amersfoort

Today, I told my friend, who's a marriage counsellor, about some of the things my husband does that I hate, like snoring loudly and eating with his mouth open. I wasn't asking for advice, but she just looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Divorce." Bye-bye, faith in humanity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40533

You deserved it

5709

Tweet

Share

By heartbroken - 8/2/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, after a huge heartbreak and a night of crying, I wake up to an empty house. I go in the kitchen to make breakfast and see a note on the counter saying "We heard you crying last night and didn't want to hear you complaining this morning, so we went to the mall. -Mom" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42393

You deserved it

8327

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/8/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35411

You deserved it

3973

Tweet

Share

By jccwell - 23/9/2011 16:50 - United States

Today, my dad called, saying he was in town and that he wanted to see me. I was excited, thinking he wanted to come see my new apartment. Turns out he just wanted to borrow my Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26990

You deserved it

2354

Tweet

Share

By grrr1234 - 1/7/2012 16:00

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31566

You deserved it

6265

Tweet

Share

By xXx3mi_MuffinxXx - 1/7/2011 19:23 - United States

Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30646

You deserved it

3192

Tweet

Share

By Mito - 10/9/2017 23:15

Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3503

You deserved it

288

Tweet

Share

By top dog! - 11/10/2011 20:05 - Australia

Today, I was threatened with suspension from school because of my nose piercing. I had to explain that it's actually a pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40382

You deserved it

2891

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 21:29 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54975

You deserved it

44643

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/4/2014 23:24 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was given a call home, a 3-day-suspension, and a week of detention in school for a "serious violation of the code of conduct." Said violation? Jogging in the middle of the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42321

You deserved it

4672

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/6/2014 16:19 - United States - Naperville

Today, my towel was stolen at the swimming pool. I quickly found the culprit, and to avoid a conflict, I just swiped it back when he wasn't looking. I felt pretty good about everything, until I got back home and realized it wasn't actually my towel after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28101

You deserved it

42571

Tweet

Share

By Sexless4Life - 5/8/2013 18:33 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I realized that it's been well over a month since my boyfriend has even tried to have sex with me. The last time was our first time, and because he couldn't keep it up, he's too humiliated to accept any of my advances. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55714

You deserved it

6904

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/12/2015 19:16 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I had my first job interview in months. The guy chuckled mockingly at my master's degree in philosophy and wound up admitting that he had no idea why I'd even been selected to be interviewed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21134

You deserved it

3693

Tweet

Share

By ugh - 4/7/2013 18:28 - South Africa - Durban

Today, as I was enjoying a nice fish salad, my father looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Ahh, salmon. The 'other' pink meat", then winked suggestively at my mother. I don't think I can ever eat fish again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64451

You deserved it

5149

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 05:33

Today, while on a family Disney world vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom's floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45704

You deserved it

11998

Tweet

Share

By G. Briones - 23/11/2011 19:14

Today, my brother lost his first tooth, so I told him the tooth fairy is going to give him money. He now thinks The Rock is going to show up in his room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35751

You deserved it

6970

Tweet

Share

By facefuckedguy - 12/8/2014 21:23 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to a job interview, and a guy ahead of me went to enter the building, only to walk face-first into a glass door. I rushed to help him up, and after we had a good laugh about it, I turned to walk inside, only to walk straight into the door as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46053

You deserved it

9978

Tweet

Share

By foops - 2/2/2014 21:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45737

You deserved it

11558

Tweet

Share

By wimp - 15/8/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, while I was in the doctors they told me that me and my son needed a shot, I went first to show my son that it wouldnt hurt and shots were not something to be afraid of. When they gave me my shot I started crying. My four year old son handles pain better than his 29 year old mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15456

You deserved it

40765

Tweet

Share

By abonde29 - 24/5/2018 20:30

Today, I got a text from my cousin saying he's gay. I was thrilled and told him I'm bisexual. He later texted me saying that his friend took his phone and said that. He also told all of our relatives. I accidentally came out to my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4168

You deserved it

528

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/12/2016 17:09 - United States - Orange Park

Today, it's the 11th day I've been in the hospital due to my kidneys. My mother has come in every day since to make me feel bad about missing Thanksgiving. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9683

You deserved it

647

Tweet

Share

By "people these days" - 19/7/2013 20:36 - United States - Fairfax

Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48801

You deserved it

15773

Tweet

Share

By nikkiquila_0699 - 5/9/2009 21:24 - Canada

Today, I came back from my 3 month vacation from France. During my vacation I lost 32lbs and I was so excited to show off my new body to my boyfriend. When he walked in the door he didn't notice me, but he did notice my younger, thinner and tanner sister strutting around in her bikini. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50248

You deserved it

4773

Tweet

Share

By in pain and tardy - 11/3/2016 23:00 - United States - Easthampton

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I arrived early so I could check in with the receptionists about this weird communication mixup that's caused me to miss my last two appointments. Despite what my appointment card said, I arrived to find the office closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19780

You deserved it

1311

Tweet

Share

By babydoll - 12/10/2010 09:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was traveling by bus. There were no spare seats, so I stood next to a seated lady. When she got off at her stop, I was amused because her bum made the shape of a mushroom on the seat. I went to sit on it. So I'm sitting there when I realise the seat is really warm... and wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34915

You deserved it

8321

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/4/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - Aldershot

Welcome to the world!

Today, I helped deliver the baby belonging to the woman my husband left me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2379

You deserved it

132

Tweet

Share

By jcesom - 29/7/2009 05:53 - United States

Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41428

You deserved it

15887

Tweet

Share

By fucking fuck off - 1/1/2016 14:28 - United States

Today, a customer gave me hell because a high-spec game he bought wouldn't run on his ancient Windows XP PC. I ended up having to profusely apologize and refund him. Whoever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" should probably be shot, run over by a bus, then shot a few more times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26933

You deserved it

1970

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 29/1/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, I found an ad for my job at my company on an online job board. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29899

You deserved it

2159

Tweet

Share

By Crushed - 4/11/2016 14:23

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip this weekend so that she won't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9780

You deserved it

1137

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 20:09 - United States

Today, I saw a pregnant woman fall off her moped. As I helped her back up, I asked if her baby was okay. I was then blindsided by her brick of a purse while she screeched, "I'm not pregnant!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

33543

You deserved it

14610

Tweet

Share

By anonymousyo - 24/4/2015 22:04 - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34002

You deserved it

4175

Tweet

Share

By unemployed - 31/5/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I drove two and a half hours to a job interview. The interviewer never showed up or called. I sat in the hotel lobby waiting for an hour and a half. Even the hotel staff said they felt sorry for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53659

You deserved it

2688

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/3/2013 16:54 - United States

Today, I almost lost my virginity at the age of 34. After years of putting off sex and waiting for marriage, the moment arrived. My new wife could't stop laughing at how small I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75837

You deserved it

11675

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 02:02

Today, some asshat thought it would be funny to put a second lock on my locker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1498

You deserved it

113

Tweet

Share

By Hairytoes - 7/10/2011 10:35 - United States

Today, I could actually feel my toe hairs flapping in the breeze. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27634

You deserved it

17415

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Aphrodite | 19

#7827543 - Thursday 1 August 2019 7:24

This is why you tell people before you just show up places

By RichardPencil | 28

#7827592 - Thursday 1 August 2019 10:21

I’ll bet your boyfriend ran away screaming. Once he learns that in your family, men do laundry ... aieeeee! The horror!

COMMENTS

By Aphrodite | 19

#7827543 - Thursday 1 August 2019 7:24

This is why you tell people before you just show up places

By KingAdrock | 15

#7827579 - Thursday 1 August 2019 9:12

Why would you want your boyfriend in your room when you're not there? And don't "kids today" have these new, magical things called cell phones? How could he not know whether you're home or not, unless he's a total idiot?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7827592 - Thursday 1 August 2019 10:21

I’ll bet your boyfriend ran away screaming. Once he learns that in your family, men do laundry ... aieeeee! The horror!

By alycion | 38

#7827596 - Thursday 1 August 2019 10:36

He learned the hard way that nobody really likes true surprises.