Today, I surprised my girlfriend with origami roses, as I am...

By AllergicToRosesAndSingle - 15/2/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with origami roses, as I am highly allergic to real ones. Her response? To scream at me and slam the door in my face. FML

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Love

Health

Goodbye Bill

Fairytale ending

You snooze, you lose

By Noname - 13/2/2009 03:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said the relationship was too tough for him. When I asked for an example, he responded, "Like, I don't have enough time to play World of Warcraft." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2016 06:11 - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

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By RoastedbyNature - 21/5/2017 22:00

Basted High School

Today, my high school decided to practice graduation outside for 4 hours instead of inside, as well as serve lunch outside. Now everybody, including myself, is going to be sunburnt in their graduation pictures, because we were told practice was inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2013 16:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend and I finally watched Toy Story 3; I ended up crying when the toys almost die. After the movie, my girlfriend broke up with me because I embarrassed her. FML

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By life_suxxx - 17/12/2009 06:09 - United States

Today, I come home to find that my dog has taken a dump on my bed. I quickly put on my house shoes to avoid possibly stepping on any other of his turds. I felt something squish all over my right foot. He also took a dump in my house shoe. FML

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By wooed - 3/12/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 months has been faking his southern accent. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2016 00:24 - United States - Denver

Today, on my way to a big convention in Chicago, I found out that when my friend said, "I live in Chicago," they really meant, "I live an hour and a half outside of Chicago." Hello traffic and hours of daily driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2020 17:23

Class act

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

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By virginkiller - 3/3/2012 13:23 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML

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By snoozerlooser - 25/12/2010 00:00 - Canada

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years tell his friend he was going to "pop the question". Ecstatic, I wore my nicest dress and got my hair done for dinner. Near the end, he leant in romantically and asked if we could start doing anal. So much for marriage. FML

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By Pups4Cups - 26/10/2016 12:43

Today, I finally realized why my 9-week-old puppy was going to the bathroom so much. I went to pick up the food bag and realized she had chewed a hole in the bottom, and eaten half of the bag in the last 4 days. Goodbye 30 pounds of dog food, and 100$ for a vet visit. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2019 14:15

Today, I walked into work on time, went into my office, sat down and turned on the computer. After working for about 4 hours, my wife called and told me to look at the clock on my computer. I put it off until after lunch, when I realized today is Sunday. FML

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By Anon - 29/5/2017 12:00 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, my mother-in-law complained to me about the cost of getting old. She then spent an hour showing me her River Cruise vacation photos from several countries. FML

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By haayloo - 19/10/2010 02:40 - Canada

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

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By nenette - 12/11/2014 22:50 - France

Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML

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By xkal174 - 15/11/2010 11:33 - United States

Today, I just found out that my ex girlfriend is gonna be my step mother. FML

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By xxlenalunaxx - 29/4/2015 11:11 - United States

Today, after waiting for 2 weeks for the right moment to meet my boyfriend's mom, she walked in as I was straddling him, trying to prove that I'd win in a wrestling match. I guess we met, then. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 16:25 - United States

Today, I discovered that not only is my live-in mother-in-law a fan of Lady Gaga, she dances around the house naked to fully embrace the music. FML

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By jennabee97 - 8/11/2014 23:02 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By alternativefacts - 10/7/2017 14:28

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML

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By jdawn99 - 22/10/2013 14:24 - United States - Arkansas City

Today, as a science teacher, I did a science experiment in front of a class. One of my students asked me if it was "photoshopped." He was being serious. FML

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By Vampprobs - 25/3/2014 01:52 - United States - Skandia

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

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By cuckoo - 22/8/2015 03:59 - United States - Mobile

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

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By taylor124 - 22/8/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I listened to a voice mail from my mom about how she misses me and cant wait to see me when I get back from vacation. Thinking she hung up, my mother then had a conversation with my aunt about how quiet the house is without me and how she'd be blessed if I didn't come home. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 08:08

Assumptions

Today, a salesman came to the door and I assumed the guy was peddling solar stuff. Before the poor guy had a chance to say anything, I blurted out, "We don't need any, we only spend $80 on electricity in the summer." He pointed to his shirt and replied, "I'm an exterminator." I then tried to awkwardly apologize. FML

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By Noname - 21/2/2009 21:43 - United States

Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML

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By 30Jenna - 13/7/2011 22:01 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML

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By reserved - 22/10/2012 09:01 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to break up. But not until after our anniversary tomorrow, because he's already gotten dinner reservations for us. FML

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By a - 6/12/2012 06:15 - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

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By boopingsnoot - 7/7/2017 02:04

Today, while working at the vet, we had a familiar little dog show up for a minor procedure. The dog always sits on its owner's lap on the drive over, and always gets peed on. Not talking about dog pee. And we're not allowed to bathe it because that service costs extra. FML

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By flipflop - 7/6/2010 07:03 - United States

Today, I got married. I was so nervous right before I said my vows that, in the dead silence, I farted. Loud. My brother showed me afterwards, on tape, over and over and over again. FML

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By LaurenLehmmman - 27/12/2010 22:22 - United States

Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, my english teacher asked me why I didn't have my project completed. Thinking quick on my feet I told her it was because my grandmother had just passed away. Apparently they go to the same country club and have known each other for years. My teacher started crying and ran out of the room. FML

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By theawfulpresent - 30/1/2013 00:28 - United States - Germantown

Today, my boyfriend tried to hypnotize me into breaking up with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 11:03 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

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By TheLostCauseFML - 25/10/2017 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML

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By longdrive - 25/7/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, my sister and I drove 800 miles with her five-year-old, her two-year-old, and her two dogs. The two-year-old got carsick five times, adding an extra three hours to the trip. The kickers? My sister is sympathy spewer and neither of them chews food very well. FML

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By ghostyyy - 24/7/2010 23:21 - France

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

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Top comments

By ThePaperDragon | 31

#7599237 - Thursday 15 February 2018 1:36

But origami flowers are adorable! :(

By RichardPencil | 28

#7599245 - Thursday 15 February 2018 1:57

You should have used dollar bills as the origami paper. If you used hundreds, you’d be getting laid for months!

COMMENTS

By Wintermelons | 19

#7599236 - Thursday 15 February 2018 1:33

Someone must not have been feeling rosy!

By ThePaperDragon | 31

#7599237 - Thursday 15 February 2018 1:36

But origami flowers are adorable! :(

RichardPencil | 28

#7599243 - Thursday 15 February 2018 1:53

How did I guess you’d comment on this one?

ThePaperDragon | 31

#7599244 - Thursday 15 February 2018 1:54

Haha! It must be the username. ^_^

donb23 | 23

#7599446 - Thursday 15 February 2018 12:08

so are you!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7599239 - Thursday 15 February 2018 1:40

Real roses don't last very long anyway.

By Aurora25 | 26

#7599241 - Thursday 15 February 2018 1:49

Why are you with such a bitch?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7599245 - Thursday 15 February 2018 1:57

You should have used dollar bills as the origami paper. If you used hundreds, you’d be getting laid for months!

By Slim87R | 6

#7599253 - Thursday 15 February 2018 2:49

Now is the time to throw down!
You must enter the gauntlet of rosedom and prove once and for all that she is worth the fire and fury!

Or, you know, date someone who isn't crazy.

By Moxie Mettle | 10

#7599254 - Thursday 15 February 2018 3:04

What. A. Right. Cunt. Fuck that's awesome you made those for her.

By Bubbilility | 26

#7599273 - Thursday 15 February 2018 4:29

Clearly it took OP so long to make the flowers everyone assumed he was dead. His girlfriend clearly didn't take too kindly to a ghost on her front porch.

By sharond23 | 10

#7599283 - Thursday 15 February 2018 4:56

I hope you dump her sorry ass. what a bitch!!

By tounces7 | 26

#7599288 - Thursday 15 February 2018 5:12

I mean are you just now seeing that she's psycho?