Work: Today, I was cashiering at Target when an old woman came into...

By the_captain - 23/06/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I was cashiering at Target when an old woman came into my checkout line. Her items? Variety pack of pleasuring condoms, a bottle of KY sensual lube, and two colorful thongs. As I'm scanning these, she leans in and whispers, "I love toys." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 618

You deserved it 3 484

Work

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

The smell detective is on the case

Smell test

By HoHoSnow - 09/12/2009 03:03 - United States

Today, I got stuck in the snow in the middle of street. As I was just beginning to get myself unstuck, the snow plow came by and buried the front end of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 787

You deserved it 2 190

By fmylife. - 29/11/2010 18:02 - Canada

Today, while I was out of the house, my 6 year old brother stole my new waterproof camera, dunked it into the toilet holding onto the wrist strap, and flushed repeatedly to see if it lived up to its "waterproof promise." It didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 466

You deserved it 3 733

By Anonymous - 14/11/2017 15:00

Today, I went on a hike. It had snowed the night before so I wore warm clothes. They didn’t help when I slipped and broke my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 027

You deserved it 464

My cousin the shitgibbon

By ladyofzanarkand - 10/06/2020 14:19

Today, my cousin posted an article on Facebook with the caption, "This warms my heart." The article was about a teenager who was bullied to suicide for being gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 578

You deserved it 165

By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 09:35 - United States

Today, a guy at work was ranking the girls we work with in the order he'd want to date them. He told me I was 6th "because personality is important, too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 033

You deserved it 5 403

By preggo - 19/02/2012 08:55 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend's father suggested that, ideally, I should aim to have my baby in early July, or wait until he gets back from Europe in October. I'm due September 4th, and he will be "incredibly disappointed" if he misses the birth of his first grandchild due to my "selfishness". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 043

You deserved it 3 097

Jealous?

By Jen - 24/01/2021 13:58 - United States

Today, my unborn child's father told me he stood outside of my friend's house for an hour in the snow in the middle of the night because he thought I was with another guy. I was at her house helping with her four kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 009

You deserved it 118

Cancel culture strikes again

By Disneydont - 27/10/2021 14:00 - United States - New York

Today, I was supposed to leave for Disney. Our trip was cancelled last year because of the pandemic. This morning, we found out my sister’s boyfriend, who was a last-minute add-on to the trip, has COVID. Cancelled again. Maybe next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 011

You deserved it 137

By ben - 18/09/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, I took my 5 year-old son to the barber shop. When the man finishes with him, I tell the guy, "while we're here, I might as well get a trim too." My son then exclaims very loudly in front of a very full barber's shop, "Dad! You don't need a haircut, you need hair!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 867

You deserved it 6 664

By misshb - 18/01/2010 01:26 - United Kingdom

Today, my long term ex, who broke up with me over a year ago and shattered my heart, seduced me (which wasn't hard as he knew I still had feelings for him) and as he pulled out after the couple of minutes of what he called sex, he used the line "There we go, that's your freebie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 175

You deserved it 22 664

By troubleintoyland - 24/12/2010 03:03 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I attempted to have sex in my childhood bedroom. As we were falling onto the bed, I smacked my head on the wall, which caused a shelf of stuffed toys to fall onto the bed. Not only did it kill the mood, the shelf also hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 738

You deserved it 9 510

By Katie - 13/12/2012 18:00 - United States

Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 104

You deserved it 2 598

By Anonymous - 04/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 519

You deserved it 8 128

By 4yrldkicker - 29/07/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and someone peeked their head under the door of my dressing room while I was half dressed. Not knowing who it was, I kicked him in the face just out of instinct. Its was a 4 year old kid looking for his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 671

You deserved it 23 451

By SignificantShrinkage - 08/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 842

You deserved it 1 812

By shunned - 03/11/2010 13:13 - United Kingdom

Today, two months after moving up to Scotland to be with my fiancé, he broke up with me because he 'didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a long time.' Shame he didn't tell me that when he was saying 'I love you, I want to marry you', having sex with me, and using my savings for a deposit on a flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 529

You deserved it 4 773

By DrakeScott - 02/11/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 929

You deserved it 5 824

Experimentation

By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 23:39 - United States - Salem

Today, I walked in on my brother sticking his erect penis through a donut. I doubt I'll ever be able to unsee this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 738

You deserved it 3 383

By fs - 23/11/2013 23:45 - United States - Northfield

Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 333

You deserved it 3 278

By Anonymous - 22/06/2019 18:02

Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 127

By Anonymous - 17/08/2009 08:21 - United States

Today, I went into my Moms room to look for a t-shirt. I went into her drawer and behind all of her clothes was a cell phone. Not only did I not find the t-shirt, I also found out my Mom is cheating on my Dad with someone from work and now I have to pretend like I don't know. I work there too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 857

You deserved it 5 544

By Anonymous - 22/07/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I went to the airport for my two week trip to explore Europe. My ticket was denied and the workers turned me away. When I asked why, they told me to check the date. My ticket was for June 22nd, not July. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 599

You deserved it 62 004

Worker rise up!

By Username - 04/08/2011 18:47 - United States

Today, I came to terms with the fact that my boss owns my soul for the bare minimum wage, and has me so whipped that he probably will for the rest of eternity, or until his ancient, withered, necromantic ass dies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 953

You deserved it 25 298

By sickly - 18/02/2011 13:06

Today, my friend came over with brownies as a treat before work. She works in a bakery so I thought it was lovely. After starting work, I became stoned. She thought it was a great prank. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 435

You deserved it 4 327

Picture game

By Anonymous - 01/12/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 486

You deserved it 2 099

By 99Problemsandfml - 08/11/2012 19:03 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I had to buy a new vacuum cleaner. My previous one stopped working, because apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to suck up our puppy's shit from the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 446

You deserved it 2 491

By Anonymous - 15/01/2013 00:21 - Canada - Corner Brook

Today, my boyfriend gave me lingerie from Victoria's Secret. He then added that his mother picked it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 506

You deserved it 3 403

By JimiHendrix - 01/03/2013 01:55 - France - Luynes

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 907

You deserved it 7 339

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 08:01 - United States

Today, I overheard my husband telling my step-dad that I have the same ability to sniff out chocolate in a house as a certain animal has to find truffles in the woods. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 251

You deserved it 6 456

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 16:33 - Australia

Today, while babysitting, I brought over some colouring-in sheets as an activity. I said that I should bring some Christmas-themed ones for next time. The little girl then turned to me and said "If there is a next time." I've been put on probation by an 8-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 353

You deserved it 4 065

By Anonymous - 01/11/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because her mom said she would buy her a pug if she did. I got dumped for a dog, and an ugly one for that matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 603

You deserved it 6 957

By JN5SLK - 08/11/2013 22:29 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 941

You deserved it 4 616

By Asian - 07/02/2016 19:03 - United States - Clover

Today, I was asked to prove that I was Chinese by translating the phrase, "Ching chong ming chang ho". I'm not even Chinese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 868

You deserved it 1 855

By yum - 07/07/2013 05:09 - United States - Sylmar

Today, I was drinking from a cup with a built-in straw. After taking a long sip, I noticed a weird taste. Upon investigation, I found a small caterpillar wedged inside the straw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 222

You deserved it 4 313

By paywithpoop - 22/06/2014 15:10 - United States

Today, I came home and found that my home had been robbed. The worst part? One of the thieves took a dump in my toilet and didn't flush. It doesn't even look human. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 944

You deserved it 3 863

By mississpissi - 14/07/2015 12:00 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, the waste disposal truck managed to tip over a portapotty on our work site, causing the contents to overflow and run down the bank towards my portakabin office, where someone had left the door open. All my money, ID and my car keys are now shut off to me by a river of shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 969

You deserved it 1 929

By Kay - 20/10/2016 10:37

Today, at the register, I got a spontaneous nose bleed. The lady behind the counter apparently didn't do well with blood. Her face turned white, she passed out and fell with her head on the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 657

You deserved it 601

By SadDad - 22/09/2012 18:11 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I came home to find my eight-year-old son had basically set fire to the kitchen, after trying to practice some kind of stupid shit he'd seen on TV called "fire bending." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 284

You deserved it 9 773

By ragingwaffles - 13/08/2014 04:25 - United States - Chico

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 175

You deserved it 3 877

By Anonymous - 09/02/2013 16:11 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, my fiancé told me that it would be okay with him if I got plastic surgery to make my boobs larger. It would also be okay with him if I didn't get the surgery, but he would call off our engagement and never talk to me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 544

You deserved it 6 507

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Top comments

tyranny 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:46

Old people do have a sex life too, and are usually a bit more open about it than we would like to know.

Glam_fml 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:48

Yeah, that was kind of inappropriate for her to tell you about it, but good for her for having an exciting sex life at her age. I hope I can be that lucky..

nxkftw 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:41

ugh. that's terrible. fyl.

Humanoid_fml 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 20:40

Why? Who cares? How does this affect the OP's life in any way?

NNNOM 1

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 5:04

Ahahahaha! I don't think it's terrible, just hilarious. As long as she didn't start talking about positions, just laugh and brush it off. W/o shuddering.

redbluegreen 40

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 23:53

Of course it happened in Oregon! Haha. You see a lot of crazy shit living here. It was probably just outside of Portland too. :D I can so see this happening. I've heard awful working at Target stories.

lovely997 0

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Monday 29 June 2009 8:15

you should myob, for real

hat_fml 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 4:11

how is that FML?

jason2468 0

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Sunday 21 February 2010 18:21

YDI for working at target

gomego87 0

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Tuesday 16 March 2010 5:57

God damn, that now... totally gave me the *Shivers*... ugh.

wintamint101 7

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Monday 14 June 2010 3:07

there are some really weird people out there

11colio11 4

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Friday 9 July 2010 9:53

ydi for not asking to join in

colliebuddz420 7

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Wednesday 28 March 2012 7:24

In what way does this make people think ydi why is there almost 2000 ydi's?

BeeHappy_fml 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:45

Ewewewewew SAGGY! How gross! FYL

jason2468 0

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Sunday 21 February 2010 18:19

bee happy ur a perverted dumb ass

m0tl3ycru3 0

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Tuesday 15 November 2011 1:10

Obviously her husband can't satisfy her anymore.

derpina72 23

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Saturday 21 February 2015 16:47

Hey hey! Old people can get it too!

insensitivity_ki 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:45

Why would ANYBODY say that you would deserve that...?

genius_man16 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 15:26

YDI for working at Target YDI for being alive YDI for being a woman etc. at least that's all I can think of, FYL OP, FYL indeed

nazooer 11

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 17:55

YDI for replying to be heard

keepitcool 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 21:13

faiiilllll

Doorhandle57 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:12

uhh sexist much?

redbluegreen 40

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 23:57

I hope you guys realize genius_man16 was just giving examples of what a troll would say, right? It's not actually his opinion? I guess you guys can't see or understand how that would work.

Leptailurus 0

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 3:06

Because old people have every right to have sex as young people do. Or will you, when you get older and start to get saggy, stop having sex? :| Personally, I hope when I'm "old" that I still have a sex drive like her.

kukopia 0

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 15:15

It's ageist, not sexist.

ad_infinitum 0

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Thursday 25 June 2009 0:11

@ 113: Ditto.

itsgen 16

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Thursday 25 June 2009 9:48

@49 ok u have problems what the fuck is wrong with being a woman?!?! and HELLO!!1 whats wrong with ppl like you saing YDI for working at places like walmart and target OMG!! im 14 and even i know what an honstliving is ur jst an insecure bitch!!! who doent know sheitt GROW UP!

sondramcfail 0

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Friday 26 June 2009 4:56

He was being sarcastic. Like saying the only reasons trolls could possibly give for putting "YDI".

dabomblyktiktikk 0

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Saturday 20 March 2010 19:12

135 fails miserably. miserably miserably miserably. and ruins a joke in the process. thats the worst kind of fail.

A_LiST3RR 0

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Thursday 15 April 2010 5:15

104 - uh, idiot much? a sexist thinks one gender is superior to another. nothing to do with age.

tyranny 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:46

Old people do have a sex life too, and are usually a bit more open about it than we would like to know.

Mvibes 0

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Thursday 25 June 2009 0:55

Maybe she was doing that on purpose. The Op couldve made a disgusted face when she saw the items so the old woman decided to mess with her a bit. Some people like to weird others out, why should that change with age? if anything I think it (age) gives you more options/opportunities edit: Directed at #5 sorry.

greendaygirl999 5

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Thursday 5 August 2010 6:23

If she's old like the Op says, why would she need to use condoms in the first place? Hmm? If she's old, that's assuming she's already gon through menopause.

TheZarola 10

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Saturday 16 October 2010 23:36

Note: it says PLEASURING condoms. Added pleasure. Also, precaution against STDs?

Epikouros 31

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Sunday 23 September 2012 2:18

@131: Yep, I look forward to creeping out nurses at my retirement home. Yes, I know, creeping out a nurse would be a tall order.

ILIEKGIRLS 5

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:48

OH. MY. GOD.. :/

Glam_fml 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:48

Yeah, that was kind of inappropriate for her to tell you about it, but good for her for having an exciting sex life at her age. I hope I can be that lucky..

Avenging_Angel 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:49

I should get a job as a cashier someday, people buy the oddest combinations of stuff :D

Logica42 0

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Wednesday 24 June 2009 16:30

Haha, totally... =/

Rabyd 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:51

Lol, you wouldn't say that if she were 30 years younger.

AshleyRose784 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:55

hahaha, the joys of getting old, you lose your filter

kukus92 0

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Tuesday 23 June 2009 9:59

you'll live.

ichikibobivopula 0

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Saturday 11 June 2011 3:10

no actually the phrase "I love toys" is a spell in witchcraft that gives the victim whatever terrible mental disorder the sayer is intending. Same sort of effect as saying the Lord's prayer backwards. :K