Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden.... - FML

By Eet- - 13/10/2011 19:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I awoke to rose petals leading me to the front garden. Curious, I followed them, thinking my boyfriend planned something romantic. As I walked out the door, I was hit in the face with a paper plate full of whipped cream and sprinkles, and then locked outside. FML

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Family values

Hello everyone!

Peaky Bladders

By fedemere - 28/5/2011 06:54 - United States

Today, I finally told the girl I've been after for more than a year that I'm attracted to her. Her response? A slight hug with a pat on the back as she said "There, there." FML

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By notnerb - 19/5/2009 10:13 - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee. He walked up, looked me over and said "Ummm, no", then walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2012 15:33

Today, I went to a theme park. The first ride I went on broke down just as my cart reached the highest point. I had a nice view of my loving family laughing at me while management failed to fix the rollercoaster. FML

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By sdeeter - 29/4/2013 13:39 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at the local donut shop. It turns out I misunderstood the position, and that the job was actually to wear a donut costume and wave at cars outside the shop. I was told this after I got hired. FML

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By Alright. - 24/9/2012 08:15 - United States - Missoula

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he says, "There's too much of an age gap between us" and that it makes him "feel like a pedophile". He's only four months older than I am. FML

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By stellarshaun - 16/1/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

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By Fried. - 14/5/2019 16:00

Oh nose!

Today, I woke up to the smell of cooking bacon. As I walked down my stairs towards my kitchen, I realised that the smell wasn't coming from bacon, but from my kitchen being on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2012 06:14 - United States

Today, I was visiting family in Oregon. I did not know it was illegal to pump your own gas; the cops were involved. FML

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By todayJman03 - 22/12/2009 13:03 - United States

Today, I gave my wife her anniversary card. She started to giggle then walked in our bedroom and came back with the exact same card from last year. This is the second time I've done this. FML

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By tee - 15/8/2016 13:54 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I found out people are suspicious of me at work because I do a good job. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 02:50 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to get a haircut. Who shows up not 5 minutes later to also get a haircut? My obnoxious, bully of a boss. She started chatting with me across the salon the entire time. There was no way to get out of the conversation. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 09:57 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML

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By Ser17 - 10/8/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

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By Shelly - 30/10/2010 18:09 - United States

Today, the only one that became aroused while looking at me in my sexy Halloween costume was my dog. FML

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By Abbynyc - 28/9/2014 11:40 - United States - Bay Shore

Today, while running an event, my belt loop got caught in those metal whorls that outdoor chairs have. I couldn't get it undone and had to greet guests by standing up and bringing the chair with me, hanging from my ass. My coworker finally had to cut the belt loop to set me free. FML

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By mandiballz - 12/1/2010 06:46 - United States

Today, I was saying goodbye to my 5 year old son before dropping him at my mom's, as I was leaving for two days, and told him I would miss him. He says "l won't miss you, I never miss you when you are gone." FML

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By psychortiz - 3/6/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I allowed my five-year old daughter to paint my fingernails during a living-room "picnic" we were having. A while later I got called back in to work for an emergency meeting. When I arrived at the meeting I noticed my fingernails were still neon-green. I am a 40-year old man. FML

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By Crazy cat lady - 10/4/2015 15:20 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my roommate's noisiest cat passed away. My previously-silent cat has decided that someone has to fill the void, and has been running around the apartment howling ever since. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2013 11:12 - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

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By Rick - 1/7/2011 08:31 - United States

Today, the driver's side window of my car was busted, and inside was a note that said, "Sorry, thought this was my car." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2015 17:00 - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, I had to listen to Lou Bega's 'Mambo Number 5' on constant replay for 3 hours, because my little sister was trying to learn a dance for a recital. It would have been even longer than 3 hours, but she then realized that she was dancing to the wrong song. FML

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By Donewiththis - 21/6/2016 05:35

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

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By NinjaPanda88 - 1/8/2009 07:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to name my penis. After 5 minutes of thinking up names, she finally picked one. Say hello to Squirtle. FML

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By "leahkasscar" - 11/5/2019 12:00

Today, I'm stuck in a car with my sister who is currently having a screaming match with her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, to save money, I wanted to fix my own leaky roof instead of hiring someone. When I got on the roof, the ladder fell. As it was falling, it broke three windows and snagged the siding of my house ripping over half of it off. FML

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By Money Shot - 15/7/2018 06:00

Today, I was sunbathing by my pool, totally naked. After a while I got a boner and decided to jerk off. As I was about to finish, I rolled over to cum on the deck, but when I rolled back, my elderly neighbor yelled, "Don't do that in the open if you won’t give up the money shot." FML

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By 1000dollarspoor - 7/10/2009 09:25 - United States

Today, while working on my laptop, I accidentally spilled a glass of water. I quickly moved my laptop out of the way of the oncoming stream. It fell on the floor and broke. FML

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By random - 6/5/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I got my hair dyed at a fancy salon. While the stylist was pulling out the foils in my hair I sat up and started screaming in pain because the hot foils were burning my scalp. All she said was "oh, you're fine". I went back home to find an oozing burn wound on my scalp. FML

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By Salvation711 - 15/4/2012 15:29 - United States

Today, a woman was staring at me. This went on for about five minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed at her to cut it out. It turns out she had a lazy eye. FML

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By flop of shame - 17/8/2019 16:00

Today, I was walking into work holding a coffee and a bunch of other things. My employee saw me and held the door. I was almost there when I dropped my coffee, tried to catch it, tripped over the curb and fell flat on my face. I heard the door close while still lying there. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2013 06:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 14:00

Today, while doing a project on income, my teacher told me there are no houses in Japan. I told her I lived in Mitaka for 3 years and that I lived in a house there. She told me I was bullshitting. So much for quality education. FML

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By stupidbug. - 9/4/2012 08:28 - Canada

Today, I thought it would be funny to pee on a small bug in the toilet. A much larger bug thought it would be funny to fly into my eye while I was doing this. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2013 22:56 - United States

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it is. He just paused, turned to look me in the eyes, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

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By Mia - 26/1/2019 02:00

Today, I wanted to bake some chocolate chip cookies. As the first load was done, I tasted a cookie and it tasted too salty. Thinking it was because of the pinch of salt, I added more sugar to the batter, only to realize that the sugar I've put into the whole batter was actually salt. FML

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By Alison - 10/3/2012 22:48 - United States

Today, I found out I've miserably failed a college exam. My friend had agreed to pass me answers if I needed them, since I've hardly studied this year. We were on the phone when she said, "Oh, those answers were bullshit. Serves you right, huh?" FML

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By seamonkeys - 21/3/2013 09:42 - United States

Today, a pregnant friend who is due in 2 weeks posted a picture of a baby on Facebook. I commented congratulations. She's still pregnant. It was a picture of her baby who died 3 years ago. FML

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By anonymous - 30/7/2015 22:04 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I had to sit through an entire conversation where my sister and her boyfriend sent voice messages to one another, of their farts. FML

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By weddingcrashed - 19/9/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, it is my wedding day. I couldn't find my very expensive wedding dress anywhere. After almost 2 hours of panic and chaos, I found it in my pool, covered in red paint, with a note on one of my lounge chairs reading, "Today is MY wedding day, bitch." FML

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Top comments

By bengermin | 5

#3427415 - Thursday 13 October 2011 22:59

Pow!! Right in the kisser!

By DrDilllonReese | 12

#3427409 - Thursday 13 October 2011 22:58

Aweee, how sweet!

COMMENTS

By DrDilllonReese | 12

#3427409 - Thursday 13 October 2011 22:58

Aweee, how sweet!

Reply

SaintVicious | 2

#3427759 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:51

Yea, that took some time and effort to set up.

Reply

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3427766 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:51

If he planned all that out, he clearly put a lot of thought into it.

Reply

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3427776 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:53

He's implying that he likes his cream on her face..

Reply

stroudie94 | 9

#3428578 - Friday 14 October 2011 4:02

47- with sprinkles.

Reply

haniam16 | 6

#3437551 - Sunday 16 October 2011 2:20

Why do you look so familiar????? this is weird....

Reply

HaHa314 | 0

#4158270 - Tuesday 13 March 2012 7:44

47. Good One.

Reply

Wimoweh | 10

#5404616 - Thursday 14 March 2013 4:45

Damn, there's always a catch. Something like that happened to me back in Siberia, except instead of rose petals they were cats, and instead of whipped cream it was...let's just say there's always a catch.

By bengermin | 5

#3427415 - Thursday 13 October 2011 22:59

Pow!! Right in the kisser!

Reply

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3427729 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:46

This made me realize I missed the opportunity to say, "In the face!"

Reply

Nacole31 | 0

#3427864 - Friday 14 October 2011 0:14

bahahaha!!!

Reply

zach630 | 0

#3428379 - Friday 14 October 2011 2:22

Nice family guy reference

Reply

SkardeyKat | 3

#3428651 - Friday 14 October 2011 4:38

41 I was thinking the exact same thing when I read your comment!

Reply

FML_LOL_439 | 4

#3428880 - Friday 14 October 2011 5:34

#108- probably because it was one of those jokes that were meant to remain unexplained so that it wouldn't take away from the humor. Some people don't like explaining them or having them explained.

Reply

bengermin | 5

#3433429 - Saturday 15 October 2011 0:58

It's because Family Guy was referencing a YouTube video, like everything else, it was copped from something else.

Reply

wat3rlilly | 1

#3434041 - Saturday 15 October 2011 4:35

I feel like Family Guy was referencing The Honeymooners. I could be wrong though.

Reply

DrDilllonReese | 12

#3437346 - Saturday 15 October 2011 23:27

Or, I, was referencing The Hangover.

By ILoveEggnog | 7

#3427424 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:00

Sounds mildly kinky.

Reply

Saltime | 0

#3427935 - Friday 14 October 2011 0:32

Ah, yes. Because of the words "whipped" and "cream". And "boyfriend".

Reply

ILoveEggnog | 7

#3428381 - Friday 14 October 2011 2:23

Yeah, I thought maybe she was talking in code.

By ollie179 | 21

#3427427 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:00

Aww your so romantic!

SPLAT! Hahaha!

By aliadnan708 | 6

#3427434 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:00

Sorry I know it's messed up and all but it's funny

By truwinna | 0

#3427439 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:00

Haha surprise!

By Llamassss | 21

#3427441 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:01

Nothing says I love you like a pie to the face!

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#3427646 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:30

Correction, paper plate with whipped cream and sprinkles.

Reply

Llamassss | 21

#3428491 - Friday 14 October 2011 3:11

That's all it is when you "pie" someone.
It's not like you use pumpkin pie, apple pie, etc.

Reply

MichellinMan | 20

#3428567 - Friday 14 October 2011 3:58

85- I guess your right. Meh.

Reply

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3429946 - Friday 14 October 2011 11:42

You don't use pumpkin pie?! D: shit!!!! I have So many people to apologize to!!!!

Reply

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3429950 - Friday 14 October 2011 11:45

What about keylime? Is that okay?

By Streeet_hayley | 6

#3427445 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:01

Why are you mad? That sounds delicious.

By Calyx_fml | 21

#3427453 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:01

Nyuk nyuk nyuk...

By Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3427461 - Thursday 13 October 2011 23:02

I think that's called true love.