Kids: Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked... - FML

By SirDirtyRedD - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Bitch ass move

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By SweeT

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

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By SadOldBag - United States - Estero

Today, I received the gifts of my period, diarrhea, severe dizziness and double vision, and an ant infestation in my home. These were followed by the glaring absence of any gifts from my husband. Happy 40th to me. FML

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By why?? - United States - Englewood

Today, I went hiking with my family. A local had told us about the trail, saying the two mile walk would lead us to a seventy-foot waterfall. After seven miles of trekking in the sweltering sun with no food, we finally found the waterfall. It was barely ten feet tall. FML

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By "Forevor_a_potato"

Today, I have to reschedule the vacation I had planned for eight months because I have the flu, and feel too sick to go and enjoy myself at a waterpark. This vacation is the only thing that's kept me sane these last two months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ordered some food to get delivered. When I opened the bag a fly flew out. FML

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By maya - 29/3/2021 20:01

Worst workplace ever

Today, while I was wearing a blue coat, a coworker asked me what color my coat was. Confused, I said, “...blue?” He and my other coworkers burst out screaming with laughter. Turns out he didn’t say ‘coat’ but ‘poop’. I work with a bunch of five year-olds. FML

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By sierraisfucked - United States

Today, I was in Walmart with my mom. I was looking for some CDs I wanted and saw a cute guy. Then he nodded at me and as he started to walk towards me, I hear my name being called over the intercom. Apparently, according to my mom, it was time to go. FML

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By Dirty_Mind_69 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

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By Alyssa - United States

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

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By nope

Influencers know no bounds

Today, my wife and I got into a massive argument after she started a YouTube channel for our young daughter. I explained that I’m not comfortable with god knows who looking at our kid. Apparently, I’m just being paranoid. She’s already recorded our entire house, including my daughter's bedroom. FML

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By Larz - Canada

Today, I woke up to a pile of hair on my floor. I looked in the mirror and realized the hair was from my head. I had a dream about cutting my hair and I guess it came true. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 17:00

Business savvy

Today, my nephew, who I was assured had previous experience, was closing jobs down on the computer after dealing with the customers on the phone without processing the payment for any of their orders. He’s been working for me for weeks. God knows how much money I’ve lost. FML

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By p0isonOreo68 - 8/11/2020 08:03

Alexa, play "These Things Take Time" by The Smiths

Today, I broke my glasses, so I scheduled an appointment to get a new pair. The soonest available appointment? November 21st. FML

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By Tygastyle - United States

Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend found out about my severe phobia of moths. It's so bad that I sometimes pass out. He caught a moth in a jar, and put it on my bedside table. I woke up, saw it, and had a panic attack. He recorded it all and wants to upload it to YouTube. FML

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By SingleGirl - United Kingdom

Today, my mum grounded me for going to my boyfriend's house instead of the library. She said my boyfriend's mum phoned up because she could hear us having it off in his room. When I denied it my mum shouted at me for being a liar as well as a slut. I did go to the library. FML

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By caly - United States

Today, while at my mom’s house, my mom told me that I need to seriously curb my food intake. Then I went to my dad’s house and he told me I need to gain weight. I can’t win here. FML

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I parked three streets away despite the ungodly cold. I did this because in the past, on my street, I have had my car keyed, my tires slashed, and my side view mirror ripped off. When I went back out to my car, I found that someone had broken off my windshield wipers. FML

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By Heather Scurfield - 21/3/2021 10:59

Stomach bug?

Today, I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom. When I got there, I fainted, and fell back against the wall. When I came around, I immediately vomited all down my body, in my hair, and all over the floor. My cat judged me. FML

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By whatevershit - United States - Theodore

Today, it was my wedding day. The best part was when we were taking photos and I threw up on my dress. At least the pictures were outside. FML

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By oralMistake - United States

Today, I failed an oral speech because "I didn't look up once." The problem was, every time I looked up, my teacher looked down. Every time I looked down, she looked up. FML

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By foo - United States

Today, I'm a shy guy normally, and when I talk to my friends I don't keep eye contact so I always look down even when I'm listening. My friend asked me why I always look at her boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, our Christmas tree was damaged beyond repair after my son and his friends borrowed it for a little experiment. They tied balloons to the branches and tried to make it fly, after seeing a similar video online. FML

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By Andre

Today, I had a mumbled conversation with myself in a supermarket aisle about whether or not to buy a bottle of bourbon. Nothing screams "pathetic loser" like an alcoholic in denial having a debate with himself out loud near strangers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was using my phone while in a crowded waiting room, and I accidentally tapped on a YouTube video with the volume still at maximum. The first words everyone heard? "Fuck her right in the pussy!" FML

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By liveforpeace_ - Canada

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

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By Just Lonely - United States - La Place

Today, after not hanging out with anyone the whole year, a guy finally asked me to go the movies with him. When I asked what time, he said, "Never mind, I found another girl." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Inglewood

Today, I tried to be cute by sitting on top of my boyfriend's belly. While getting on top, I accidentally kneed him in his nuts. In pain, he jolted his head up and ended up banging his head against mine. Now I have a black eye and he can't walk without waddling. FML

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By For - United States

Today, I asked my husband if he thought I was pretty. He replied "compared to what?" He was serious. FML

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By Richocet - Canada

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By kikajsns - 29/4/2021 07:59

His house, his rules?

Today, it’s been a week since my dad has decided I’m only allowed to sleep with my door open. Guess how long it’s been since I’ve slept. FML

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By

Today, I found out my boyfriend's parents consider me more of a clingy friend than a girlfriend. We have been together over 5 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML

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By Sufia

Technically Correct: The Best Kind of Correct

Today, my teacher called me "stupid and ignorant" for referring to myself as Asian. I'm from Pakistan. Pakistan is in Asia. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

Today, I discovered that my best friend has been telling everyone at our workplace that I'm faking my pregnancy for attention. She was at every single one of my ultrasounds. FML

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By Anonymous

Hello?

Today, after a 16-hour work day, I came home to my husband. I talked to him for about 10 minutes, then realized that he wasn't answering me but had his headset on and was talking on Xbox live. Not even playing a game, just talking. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw a creepy guy grab a woman's ass on the bus, so I caught his arm and put him in an arm lock, only for the woman to hit me in the head with her handbag. Turns out they were a married couple on their way home to have sex, and who couldn't resist a quick grope during the journey. FML

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By for fuck's sake, gran - United States - Bainbridge

Today, my grandma and I went shopping. When I picked up some shower gel, she started ranting in front of everyone that shower gel injures one's "lady parts" and causes infertility, and that she wants me to give her great-grandchildren. FML

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By lazy pregnant girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that because he works fifty hours a week, I should be meeting an arbitrary quota of fifty hours of housework, and if I don't, I'm insensitive and ungrateful. FML

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By puppielover - United States

Today, my step-mom informed me that she and my dad will not be attending my wedding because they will be at a NASCAR race. FML

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