Miscellaneous: Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time.... - FML

By wantmeasandwich - India - Mumbai

Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time. He soon found out about my sleep-talking habit. I started ranting about "electron shaming" and I apparently passionately support their "sub-atomic lifestyle". Yes, he managed to get it on video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28246

You deserved it

3246

Tweet

Share

This Charming Man

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Taking stock

By brokenhearted - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46107

You deserved it

2861

Tweet

Share

By itsgonnabealongnight... - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24301

You deserved it

3031

Tweet

Share

By onehundredpercenteffed - United States

Today, my wife thought it would be fun to bring in one of her girlfriends for a threesome. Because of the friend, I now know what my wife sounds like when she's having a REAL orgasm. Five years and two kids into our marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56109

You deserved it

20584

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, someone misread some details of my dating profile on an app and thought I was subtly indicating that I'm a prostitute. In fact, I'm a shy 33-year-old virgin who's never been kissed and has obviously been failing at using dating apps and websites for years. I guess now I know one thing I did wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1815

You deserved it

227

Tweet

Share

By ktwithaq - United States

Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28718

You deserved it

5347

Tweet

Share

By Tytonic - United States - Havertown

First dates

Today, after my first dinner with my new girlfriend, I was using a toothpick when I fell, stabbing the roof of my mouth. She then laughed at me, as there was so much blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1790

You deserved it

385

Tweet

Share

By it'sabitwindy - United States

Today, I added "a road sign" to my ever-growing list of 'Things which have hit my car as a result of the wind.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

25487

You deserved it

3149

Tweet

Share

By BearGrillz - United States

Today, there were some wasps getting in my bedroom from a hole in the frame of my window. I went outside with some spray and took out their entrance. What I didnt know is that when you spray wasps, they go the other direction. I now have 60+ wasps flying around my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36244

You deserved it

25919

Tweet

Share

By Katie - United States - Homewood

Today, I received frantic calls and messages from my husband wondering where I was and if I was cheating on him. I was in the same house as him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25101

You deserved it

2084

Tweet

Share

By iliveformystery - United States - Oshkosh

Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed as a pirate. Someone complimented me on how convincing the fake teeth were that I had on for my costume. I wasn't wearing fake teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33121

You deserved it

6543

Tweet

Share

By MarkTheShark - United States

Good one, thanks

Today, I left work to find a note on my windshield that read, "I think you're cute," with a phone number written down as well. I got super excited and immediately dialed. The phone was answered by a woman laughing hysterically. It was my Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40800

You deserved it

6829

Tweet

Share

By 3firedepos

Lovely

Today, I walked outside and was so happy about the return of smell of campfires and summer time. I now realize that the campfire smell was a house burning down in my neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1331

You deserved it

156

Tweet

Share

By NightzGremlin - 12/9/2020 14:01

No sleep for the wicked

Today, I came home from work to find construction workers repaving my street. I work the graveyard shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1225

You deserved it

88

Tweet

Share

By alissa_roar - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me I was being too obsessive. This is the guy who has gone through my phone two separate times and deleted all of my male contacts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42691

You deserved it

8482

Tweet

Share

By blk8764 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store when an elderly woman walked up to me and said, "Why can't every guy be as handsome as you?" I would have been flattered by the comment, if I was a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39487

You deserved it

4760

Tweet

Share

By initforthewrongreasons

Today, I texted my exes, not because I missed them, but because I wanted to know how their pets were doing. This holds true for at least 4 relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3565

You deserved it

1238

Tweet

Share

By rubgy_lover - Canada - Surrey

Today, at work, I politely asked a patron to be quieter; I was hit in the face. I work in a library. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46020

You deserved it

3901

Tweet

Share

By bushwhacker - United States - Wichita

Today, it's been almost two months that I've been taking hair, skin and nails vitamins. The only thing growing noticeably longer, faster, stronger, and healthier are my pubes. I've never sheared a sheep before, but I imagine the maintenance I just did was comparable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29679

You deserved it

3287

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

First Dates

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61217

You deserved it

10099

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's the fifth day in a row my workmate has worn the exact same clothing. We share the desk. I'm absolutely positive he hasn't hit the shower since last weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43012

You deserved it

3152

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of d's in my life!". All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3897

You deserved it

1014

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Columbia City

Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29363

You deserved it

9274

Tweet

Share

By wtf babe? - 29/6/2020 14:02

Intruders!

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2204

You deserved it

119

Tweet

Share

By ANON - United Kingdom - London

Today, I visited my Aunt in hospital. Another patient got jealous, so she threw a tantrum. She threw things at us, pulled her drip out, threw herself to the floor, screamed, pounded the floor with her fists and pissed herself. My aunt is still waiting for a new room, and the staff blame me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13669

You deserved it

761

Tweet

Share

By Alexandra - Lebanon

Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37476

You deserved it

8931

Tweet

Share

By CiaoBella

Today, my son said his first word, which was, "Fuck". He got it from my great aunt, who my wife was skeptical of our son meeting because she "says too many bad words". Sorry honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13426

You deserved it

2711

Tweet

Share

By TheHeirofTime - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14184

You deserved it

1706

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Netherlands - Reusel

Today, I walked into a room to help a patient get ready for bed. Except she already was in bed, with two other male patients. I work in a retirement home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21746

You deserved it

1743

Tweet

Share

By sad45 - Canada

Today, I was shopping with my friends and I got asked by a man if I could be in one of his commercials. I obviously said yes without thinking twice. I then found out that he wanted me to be the before picture for an acne control moisturizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64243

You deserved it

10116

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I had sex with a guy I'd had a crush on for a long time. When I asked if he was having trouble putting it in, he answered that he was fully in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3929

You deserved it

636

Tweet

Share

By biggirlsdocry - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend, and he pretended he was a Burger King employee who found a lost phone, just so that he wouldn't have to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30220

You deserved it

4692

Tweet

Share

By Gayeveryday - Canada - Truro

Today, I came out to my parents. They still think I'm joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32382

You deserved it

5904

Tweet

Share

By singleagain - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, saying that the only thing he would change about me is my last name. I later told him that I wanted to keep my last name after the marriage. I'm now single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23937

You deserved it

42400

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched The Omen with my father. Halfway through driving me back home, he stopped the car and made me get out right there in a rough part of town. Fifteen minutes later, he drove up beside me, laughed hysterically at how terrified I was, and told me to get in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30650

You deserved it

2773

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/3/2021 08:01

Spooked

Today, I found out that the loud "firecrackers" I heard the night before were actually shotgun blasts by my neighbor murdering his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1501

You deserved it

59

Tweet

Share

By Mr. E

Today, as I was teaching my 10th grade biology honors class, a student came in with a dead frog and asked if we could dissect it. He tried to toss it to me and missed, so it landed in a girl's lap. She threw up all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2822

You deserved it

177

Tweet

Share

By burning balls of fuck this - United States - Oakton

Today, I locked my keys in my truck. The good news is that I have a spare set in my house. The bad news is that my house key is on the same keyring as my locked-in truck key. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29591

You deserved it

9699

Tweet

Share

By fucklife - United States - Washington

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she heard me say "love you" on the phone. I was talking to my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63439

You deserved it

5180

Tweet

Share

By Sam - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10030

You deserved it

29449

Tweet

Share

By cnamobi - United States

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35200

You deserved it

4228

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Googolman | 29

#6346858 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

I'm positive that he's a keeper. Positive as a proton.

By dutchman327 | 3

#6346860 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

This can hopefully be something you two can laugh about :)

COMMENTS

By royr7395 | 29

#6346856 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:42

I hope you're a Chem major, at the very least

Reply

IronMan_Mk43 | 20

#6347316 - Saturday 11 July 2015 12:35

Or a physics major. Or an engineering major.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6347372 - Saturday 11 July 2015 13:49

Or graduated eighth grade Science.

By Googolman | 29

#6346858 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

I'm positive that he's a keeper. Positive as a proton.

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6346981 - Saturday 11 July 2015 3:13

Time for puns! Too bad I'm not that good atom.

Reply

FluffyPandas156 | 13

#6346996 - Saturday 11 July 2015 3:44

#33 I think we should barium now

Reply

Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6347042 - Saturday 11 July 2015 5:44

I just want the link to the video

Reply

QuaDECH | 13

#6347195 - Saturday 11 July 2015 8:28

I got my ion you.

Reply

ArturoJames | 13

#6347519 - Saturday 11 July 2015 16:50

I can't wait for when these puns argon.

Reply

HighasaCloud | 46

#6347905 - Saturday 11 July 2015 23:04

It's the cute little things like this that people bond over

Reply

danimal_crackerz | 26

#6348152 - Sunday 12 July 2015 2:56

Beat me to it XD

Reply

cellyhard | 5

#6580977 - Friday 15 April 2016 21:29

YOU

By td8263 | 10

#6346859 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

Yes first comment

By dutchman327 | 3

#6346860 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

This can hopefully be something you two can laugh about :)

By Geckosrock99 | 33

#6346861 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

That sounds cute!

By Curtis66 | 19

#6346866 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

You're better off laughing with him about it than making a big deal about it.

By Theglc20 | 27

#6346868 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

If electrons want to be that way, I say let them

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6346897 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:57

I've always found them to be such a negative bunch.

Always on the move too, never taking the time to appreciate things.

Reply

dewberry2001 | 25

#6346934 - Saturday 11 July 2015 1:40

They're sluts. Jumping from one atom to another when they get unstable.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6346969 - Saturday 11 July 2015 2:52

Ion the other hand am going for team proton as I prefer a stable and positive outlook.

Reply

be82tw | 17

#6347031 - Saturday 11 July 2015 5:17

I never cared for Protons too much, actually. They always have to be in the center of things.

Reply

ruikuku | 5

#6347076 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:01

I have always considered neutrons big hypocrites. Appearing all neutral and shit, but always sticking with the protons.

Reply

WilliamMurderfac_fml | 23

#6348592 - Sunday 12 July 2015 15:29

Protons and neutrons are just misunderstood, they always hold electrons at a distance. they really want to be closer together, like one big happy proton star.

By WitEluded | 13

#6346869 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

OP, follow up with a YouTube link plz

Reply

mrbump122 | 13

#6348065 - Sunday 12 July 2015 1:01

Yes, that would be great :)

By leogachi | 15

#6346873 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:45

Best FML ever.

By chosha_fml | 25

#6346876 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:48

This is a YouTube channel waiting to happen.