Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time.... - FML

By wantmeasandwich - 10/7/2015 16:57 - India - Mumbai

Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time. He soon found out about my sleep-talking habit. I started ranting about "electron shaming" and I apparently passionately support their "sub-atomic lifestyle". Yes, he managed to get it on video. FML

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Superficial World

White line fever

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By DDD - 31/1/2009 15:04 - France

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

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By mommy_issues - 29/8/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML

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By ultraattitude - 22/4/2012 07:01 - United States - Union City

Today, I met a hot guy at the bar and we hit it off instantly. After a few drinks, he called a cab for us. When it arrived, I seducingly asked, "My place or yours?" He responds, "Both. I'll go to mine and you go to yours" and walked away. The cab driver laughed the whole way home. FML

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By someonesomething - 5/12/2009 11:24 - United States

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

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By bald&ugly - 19/10/2019 02:00

Empathy City

Today, after losing all my hair to chemo, I finally felt brave enough to go out without a wig or a headscarf. I expected some weird looks. I didn’t expect a woman in a store to point to me and tell her daughter, “See what feminism does to women? She’ll never have a husband, I bet!” FML

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By goatvideosarelame - 24/5/2011 07:31 - Singapore

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

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By PocketTrash - 20/3/2020 21:00

This guy grudges

Today, my dad is still mad because I tossed his empty coffee can over 3 days ago. FML

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By what the fuck?! - 2/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I called my husband's mistress to confront her. Her husband answered and immediately began hitting on me. He asked what was taking me so long to join their circle and if I was as into dp as his wife is. I don’t know whether to vomit from rage or disgust. FML

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By lizard - 18/12/2010 05:56 - United States

Today, the guy who got off when the elevator's doors opened had a very embarrassed look on his face. I didn't think anything of it till the doors closed. Turns out he was running away from his deadly fart. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2011 22:10 - United States

Today, while searching for the pungent odor that has been lingering in my son's bedroom, I discovered various types of juice my son has been "storing" to make wine. FML

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By starboy - 10/3/2012 06:50 - United States

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

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By ceetee - 26/7/2011 13:35 - Australia

Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, for my birthday, I got a Big Mac. FML

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By joonsson - 22/3/2017 20:00

Today, I had to get an EKG device attached for a 24-hour test. Not too bad, but I have to wear a string vest over it, and every time I move, it chafes something crazy. My nipples in particular. Only 22 hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2016 20:53 - United States - Central Islip

Today, the guy I've been crushing on at work finally asked me out to lunch. I was nervous we wouldn't have anything to talk about. He spent the entire hour talking about how amazing his new girlfriend is. FML

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By elena02 - 21/11/2015 19:45 - United States - Wayne

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 15:32 - United States - Acton

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - 30/10/2016 11:09 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

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By disappoint - 8/12/2011 09:14 - United States

Today, my sister's boyfriend said the only thing he'd change about her was her last name. My boyfriend told me he'd change the shape of my nose. FML

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By mo - 19/12/2011 07:55 - United States

Today, my mother told me I looked like a hooker in my wedding dress. Thanks mommy. FML

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By lolreturn - 16/8/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I grabbed the nearest plastic bag in my bedroom when my boyfriend and I left for Wal-Mart so I could return a pair of shorts. When the cashier dumped the contents of the bag onto the counter at customer service, my shorts and a used condom fell out. It was the longest return of my life. FML

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By ididntevendrinkthatnight - 7/6/2013 05:14 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing "happy birthday". FML

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By burned - 24/5/2009 13:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was cooking me dinner. He walked away and I decided to help by giving the pan of veggies a sautee flip. My boyfriend failed to mention that he had just pulled that pan out of a 500 degree oven. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 05:00 - United States

Drama abounds

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years threatened to break up with me because when she came by my work, she saw me talking to another girl. The girl was a trainee. I'm the boss of the company, so it's my responsibility to train new people. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2016 20:33

Today, I woke up to my balls being sucked. Unfortunately, by a mosquito. I hate the summer. FML

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By pacificbeach - 2/3/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally got fed up with this increasingly, horrible stench that has been in our apartment for a few days now. Leaving it for our other roommates to handle, we selfishly left to get yogurtland. Moments later, we both expressed that we haven't seen our cat in a while. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2014 15:15 - United States - Boulder

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

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By trick or not treat - 31/10/2009 22:26 - France

Today, I bought fifteen bags of candy for the trick-or-treaters. I sat outside with a bowl of candy the whole night. Only one person came. FML

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By suspended - 9/8/2014 00:16 - Australia

Today, while I was working customer support, a lady hung up on me mid-sentence, and I trailed off, saying "…aaannnddd you hung up on me like a bitch." Turned out she was still on the line and had just accidentally hit mute. FML

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By BathroomDweller - 20/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, I'm recovering from a urinary tract infection. The infection made me have to pee constantly. Now the antibiotics I'm taking for it are giving me the shits instead. FML

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By phlyingphuck - 19/7/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I had a serious allergic reaction to the food I ate at a Chinese restaurant that supposedly didn't contain peanuts. According to my waitress, peanut oil "doesn't count". FML

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By Andrew - 23/8/2011 14:46 - United States

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2014 11:55 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my brother decided our bathroom needed a clock so he used an old DVD player. He put it on the edge of the tub. FML

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By FatalxDesire599 - 5/3/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, my mother stormed into my room shouting about how I never go anywhere and then tells me to go out "NOW" and do something. As she is pushing me out the door, her boyfriend walks in. FML

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By thatchick3333 - 8/3/2012 07:13 - United States

Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML

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By tryingatkins - 21/8/2009 09:27 - United States

Today, I was on the elevator going up to a meeting, and the elevator was getting more and more crowded as we went up. After about ten people got on, they all agreed that I should get off the elevator because they thought me being on was exceeding the weight limit. FML

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By chase - 25/1/2013 00:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, feeling lonely after my recent breakup, I put on my nicest clothes and went out clubbing with a few friends. I brought a guy back to my place, and we got intimate. It was going well, until he took off my push-up bra, then panicked and drunkenly asked, "Where'd they go?!" FML

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By flavored - 18/11/2013 15:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try flavored condoms. I guess I enjoyed them a little too much; I almost choked half to death on a strawberry cockcicle. FML

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By Mimo - 23/6/2016 10:18 - Egypt

Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 01:25 - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

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Top comments

By Googolman | 29

#6346858 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

I'm positive that he's a keeper. Positive as a proton.

By dutchman327 | 3

#6346860 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

This can hopefully be something you two can laugh about :)

Comments

By royr7395 | 29

#6346856 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:42

I hope you're a Chem major, at the very least

Reply

IronMan_Mk43 | 20

#6347316 - Saturday 11 July 2015 12:35

Or a physics major. Or an engineering major.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6347372 - Saturday 11 July 2015 13:49

Or graduated eighth grade Science.

By Googolman | 29

#6346858 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

I'm positive that he's a keeper. Positive as a proton.

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6346981 - Saturday 11 July 2015 3:13

Time for puns! Too bad I'm not that good atom.

Reply

FluffyPandas156 | 13

#6346996 - Saturday 11 July 2015 3:44

#33 I think we should barium now

Reply

Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6347042 - Saturday 11 July 2015 5:44

I just want the link to the video

Reply

QuaDECH | 13

#6347195 - Saturday 11 July 2015 8:28

I got my ion you.

Reply

ArturoJames | 13

#6347519 - Saturday 11 July 2015 16:50

I can't wait for when these puns argon.

Reply

HighasaCloud | 46

#6347905 - Saturday 11 July 2015 23:04

It's the cute little things like this that people bond over

Reply

danimal_crackerz | 26

#6348152 - Sunday 12 July 2015 2:56

Beat me to it XD

Reply

cellyhard | 5

#6580977 - Friday 15 April 2016 21:29

YOU

By td8263 | 10

#6346859 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

Yes first comment

By dutchman327 | 3

#6346860 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

This can hopefully be something you two can laugh about :)

By Geckosrock99 | 33

#6346861 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

That sounds cute!

By Curtis66 | 19

#6346866 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

You're better off laughing with him about it than making a big deal about it.

By Theglc20 | 27

#6346868 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

If electrons want to be that way, I say let them

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6346897 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:57

I've always found them to be such a negative bunch.

Always on the move too, never taking the time to appreciate things.

Reply

dewberry2001 | 25

#6346934 - Saturday 11 July 2015 1:40

They're sluts. Jumping from one atom to another when they get unstable.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6346969 - Saturday 11 July 2015 2:52

Ion the other hand am going for team proton as I prefer a stable and positive outlook.

Reply

be82tw | 17

#6347031 - Saturday 11 July 2015 5:17

I never cared for Protons too much, actually. They always have to be in the center of things.

Reply

ruikuku | 5

#6347076 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:01

I have always considered neutrons big hypocrites. Appearing all neutral and shit, but always sticking with the protons.

Reply

WilliamMurderfac_fml | 23

#6348592 - Sunday 12 July 2015 15:29

Protons and neutrons are just misunderstood, they always hold electrons at a distance. they really want to be closer together, like one big happy proton star.

By WitEluded | 13

#6346869 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

OP, follow up with a YouTube link plz

Reply

mrbump122 | 13

#6348065 - Sunday 12 July 2015 1:01

Yes, that would be great :)

By leogachi | 15

#6346873 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:45

Best FML ever.

By chosha_fml | 25

#6346876 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:48

This is a YouTube channel waiting to happen.