Miscellaneous: Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time.... - FML

By wantmeasandwich - India - Mumbai

Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time. He soon found out about my sleep-talking habit. I started ranting about "electron shaming" and I apparently passionately support their "sub-atomic lifestyle". Yes, he managed to get it on video. FML

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Triage

Crushed

All that time I'm never getting back

By noporn4u - 3/10/2020 19:01 - United States - Kaukauna

Big bastard boss

Today, my time off request was rejected, and my boss promptly took the day off himself, claiming he has people coming to work on his house. We work from home. The day in question is my 5-year wedding anniversary. FML

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By pirsquared - United States

Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I'm working on my PhD in engineering. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I used a public restroom. I saw my sister's shoes walk into the stall next to me, so I gave her a little nudge with my foot. We then nudged each other until I walked out and saw a homeless man with the same shoes as my sister. He then tried to hold my hand. FML

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By lyssuhhhh - United States

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman asked me what came on a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Trying not to laugh, I respond, "Bacon, egg, and cheese." She then realizes the stupidity of her question, and launches three dollars worth of quarters at my face and says, "Laugh at that, jerk." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad spent a full half hour trying to convince me that Judaism is a race. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend got into a huge fight with her mom over the phone. After the fight, she looked ready to cry so I went over to comfort her. She went straight past me, and started confiding in her creepy, extremely expensive dolls instead. FML

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By LOLOLOLOL - United States - Greensboro

Today, I watched as some idiot made a bad U-turn and I laughed. I then turned into another car. FML

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By feckingnasty

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

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By Kerry - United States

Today, all my friends had a huge party and 'forgot' to invite me. They only remembered about me at 2 am when they called asking for rides home because they were all too drunk to drive. FML

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By alhummel21 - United States

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house to give him some moral support as he came out of the closet to his family. I left with a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Veldhoven

Right in the miniature tree

Today, my parents got mad at me because I laughed when they called the bullseye "bonsai" while watching darts. They've always thought it was bonsai. FML

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By CantBlink - United States - Jersey City

Today, I woke up with a pimple on my eyelid. Not only is it impossible to cover up with makeup, I can't pop it either. Now I'll be spending the rest of the day trying not to blink. FML

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By running scared - Norway

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You are such a cute couple!" FML

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By ninjapup - Canada

Today, I was at a party, chatting up this guy while we were petting my friends dog. The dog had just been outside and was kinda wet, I assumed it was raining out. Just then someone came up and said "Um, that dog's covered in pee." Apparently someone peed off the deck onto the dog as it walked by. FML

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By bumblebee - United States

Today, my boyfriend complained that we may not work out because I'm "just too needy". I'd woken up early and texted him "good morning" while he was trying to sleep. FML

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By Darin Greenwood

Today, the wife and I were in the middle of having sex. She was bent over and I was taking her to pound town. I look over to see my 3 year-old son standing in the doorway, humping air. FML

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By unknown - France

Today, I went on my fifth date with my new girlfriend. Apparently, she was in such a rush while leaving work that she forgot to take off her wedding ring. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my daughter asked me to join the Army so that she wouldn't have to see me anymore. She's four. FML

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By squizzlebee - United Kingdom - York

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

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By Amanda G Rich - 25/11/2020 02:02

Lose the boyfriend, not the weight

Today, yet again. my boyfriend told me I'm getting fat, even after I told him to stop and that it's affecting my mental health. I had an eating disorder previously, and now I'm thinking about going back to just eating an apple a day. FML

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By donttouchmyhair - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Control freak

Today, after over a month of planning, my friend had to cancel her first night out in over a year. Why? Because her "perfect" fiancé didn't want to, and started sulking when she tried to, so decided to put off letting her go out for a few more months. Apparently, it's my fault this happens. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Peoria

Today, I finally came out to my dad, who is a priest, as gay. He responded by splashing me with holy water to "banish the demon within" me. FML

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By figures - United States

Today, I got a card from the jewelry store thanking me for purchasing an engagement ring a year ago and wishing me and my fiancée a long and everlasting marriage. Too bad my fiancée took off with the pizza delivery boy 6 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dalton

Today, I announced to my family that I got accepted into Harvard. My grandma laughed and muttered, "Liar." FML

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By FMarinasL - United States

Today, I asked my mother to pay back the $50 she owes me. Rather than paying me back, she raced off to "work". She's been unemployed for 3 years. FML

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By jesus fuck

Today, I got my 1 year old daughter vaccinated. My wife tried to leave me because she's "never felt more betrayed". FML

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By Aw522 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cutting the grass, it was really hot and I fainted. I woke up to see my mom standing over me. I thought she was going to freak out and call an ambulance. Instead she said, "Good, you're up. Now you can finish." FML

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By WTF - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my girlfriend of six weeks dumped me when she learned that Macedonia, where I was born, is in Europe. Apparently, she thought that I was "Asian" and she doesn't want to date a "white guy." Yeah, I'm totally confused too. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a movie date with a guy. He brought his mom. FML

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By NoBabies - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

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By blumaster04 - United States

Today, in an effort to repair our fake Christmas tree, my girlfriend succeeded in gluing it to the floor. I can't get it loose. FML

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By scruffy - United States

Today, I woke up late for a job interview. I hadn't shaved in six days, but figuring I could do so en route, I grabbed my electric razor and ran for the bus. While shaving, the razor's battery died midway through, leaving me to attend the job interview with a Miami Vice scruff on half my face. FML

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By Plasticface - United States

Today, I found there was a 4 year old boy behind me on my flight. When I looked at him, he screamed playfully and hid. I decided to play tiger with him. While I was grinning like a tiger and trying to scratch him, he smashed a water bottle across my face. I now have a black eye. FML

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By my teeth! - 24/7/2020 14:07

Like riding a bike

Today, my sister and I were trying to teach our kids how to Double Dutch. While giving a demonstration of how to jump in while the ropes were turning, my feet got jumbled. I ended up faceplanting in front of all the kids, who screamed in horror at my bloodied face and missing tooth. FML

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By PO'd big bro - United States - Toccoa

Today, I had to call a few different women and explain to them that my little brother had catfished them. I had to do it because he is mute and my parents were too busy screaming at him. FML

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By nohablaespanol - United States - Sanger

Today, I had an interview for a job I really wanted. On my resume, I wrote that I speak conversational Spanish, although I don't. When I arrived for the interview, my interviewer decided to conduct it in Spanish. FML

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By the attention seeker - United States - North Miami Beach

Today my mother met my in-laws for the first time. She had been an alcoholic and had us sent to foster care 15 years ago. My husband told his parents this behind my back a while ago. When they asked her about it, she denied everything. His entire family now thinks I lie for attention. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML

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Top comments

By Googolman | 29

#6346858 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

I'm positive that he's a keeper. Positive as a proton.

By dutchman327 | 3

#6346860 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

This can hopefully be something you two can laugh about :)

COMMENTS

By royr7395 | 29

#6346856 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:42

I hope you're a Chem major, at the very least

Reply

IronMan_Mk43 | 20

#6347316 - Saturday 11 July 2015 12:35

Or a physics major. Or an engineering major.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6347372 - Saturday 11 July 2015 13:49

Or graduated eighth grade Science.

By Googolman | 29

#6346858 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

I'm positive that he's a keeper. Positive as a proton.

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6346981 - Saturday 11 July 2015 3:13

Time for puns! Too bad I'm not that good atom.

Reply

FluffyPandas156 | 13

#6346996 - Saturday 11 July 2015 3:44

#33 I think we should barium now

Reply

Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6347042 - Saturday 11 July 2015 5:44

I just want the link to the video

Reply

QuaDECH | 13

#6347195 - Saturday 11 July 2015 8:28

I got my ion you.

Reply

ArturoJames | 13

#6347519 - Saturday 11 July 2015 16:50

I can't wait for when these puns argon.

Reply

HighasaCloud | 46

#6347905 - Saturday 11 July 2015 23:04

It's the cute little things like this that people bond over

Reply

danimal_crackerz | 26

#6348152 - Sunday 12 July 2015 2:56

Beat me to it XD

Reply

cellyhard | 5

#6580977 - Friday 15 April 2016 21:29

YOU

By td8263 | 10

#6346859 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

Yes first comment

By dutchman327 | 3

#6346860 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

This can hopefully be something you two can laugh about :)

By Geckosrock99 | 33

#6346861 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

That sounds cute!

By Curtis66 | 19

#6346866 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

You're better off laughing with him about it than making a big deal about it.

By Theglc20 | 27

#6346868 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

If electrons want to be that way, I say let them

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6346897 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:57

I've always found them to be such a negative bunch.

Always on the move too, never taking the time to appreciate things.

Reply

dewberry2001 | 25

#6346934 - Saturday 11 July 2015 1:40

They're sluts. Jumping from one atom to another when they get unstable.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6346969 - Saturday 11 July 2015 2:52

Ion the other hand am going for team proton as I prefer a stable and positive outlook.

Reply

be82tw | 17

#6347031 - Saturday 11 July 2015 5:17

I never cared for Protons too much, actually. They always have to be in the center of things.

Reply

ruikuku | 5

#6347076 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:01

I have always considered neutrons big hypocrites. Appearing all neutral and shit, but always sticking with the protons.

Reply

WilliamMurderfac_fml | 23

#6348592 - Sunday 12 July 2015 15:29

Protons and neutrons are just misunderstood, they always hold electrons at a distance. they really want to be closer together, like one big happy proton star.

By WitEluded | 13

#6346869 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

OP, follow up with a YouTube link plz

Reply

mrbump122 | 13

#6348065 - Sunday 12 July 2015 1:01

Yes, that would be great :)

By leogachi | 15

#6346873 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:45

Best FML ever.

By chosha_fml | 25

#6346876 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:48

This is a YouTube channel waiting to happen.