Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time.... - FML

By wantmeasandwich - 10/7/2015 16:57 - India - Mumbai

Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time. He soon found out about my sleep-talking habit. I started ranting about "electron shaming" and I apparently passionately support their "sub-atomic lifestyle". Yes, he managed to get it on video. FML

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The end of the road

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

TMI

By bigjohn106 - 17/7/2011 12:34 - United States

Today, in front of family and friends, as I got down on one knee, my girlfriend fainted. Her father, a lawyer, rushed over and said, "Anything she says for the next 72 hours is not legally binding" and whisked her away. FML

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By lvegadelgado_6 - 10/8/2015 14:32 - United States - Deerfield

Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 16:01 - United States

Today, it's my two year anniversary with my wife. She's celebrating the day with her new boyfriend. FML

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By kdeeeceee - 5/11/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

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By neverdatingagain - 27/11/2016 22:07 - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, after three years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed. To my best friend. FML

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By Ixi_the_pixie - 6/1/2012 16:16 - United States

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

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By recordyear - 9/8/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, I was at work with my dad. He told me the only reason he's letting me work with him over the summer is because I'm a friendless loser, and he didn't want me staying home getting fatter. FML

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By anonymous - 14/5/2012 10:31 - United States - Havelock

Today, my boyfriend started laughing during sex because my boobs are slightly different. He then broke up with me after I pointed out that his nuts aren't exactly even either. FML

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By love_today - 30/5/2010 02:36 - Canada

Today, I got called a f***ing b**ch by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

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By ohhmydamn - 31/7/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out if you slide down the stairs on a foam matress topper, it just folds under instead of sliding. Then you slide the rest of the way down on your knees and break your nose at the bottom. FML

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By eyegouger15 - 13/11/2015 16:32 - United States

Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. I saw my dad rummaging through the fridge, shirtless and one ball poking through his underwear. I needed to see that about as much as I need ass cancer. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2015 03:02 - United States - Springfield

Today, my new prescription medicine for my chronic acne did in fact work. It worked by inflaming the skin around my zits so that they blended in. FML

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By fuckshitcockwaffle - 31/5/2013 14:59 - Australia - Bayswater

Today, while feeding my neighbour's cats, I mistakenly switched up their foods. One has medicated food that causes drowsiness. The healthy cat got knocked out like a log. I panicked, laid him out by the bed, and spilled milk around his head to make it look "natural." I think I'm going to hell. FML

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By turning red - 27/7/2013 01:14 - United States

Today, my phone went off, reminding me to take my birth control. Instead of vibrating as per usual, it rang. The ringtone had been changed to my boyfriend singing "It's birth control time, birth control time, take your pill, or I'll say it ain't mine." I was sitting in a quiet waiting room. FML

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By whymommywhy - 21/4/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML

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By Username - 11/8/2011 23:38 - United States

Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML

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By daddy-to-be - 20/3/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, as I was getting my mail, I received a free coupon from a baby supply store saying "congratulations on your expectancy." Thinking it was a mistake, I showed my girlfriend, who I am living with. All she had to say was "Surprise!" FML

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By Mahomie123 - 16/4/2011 22:56 - United States

Today, I had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away. My dad left early, not realizing he was my ride home. I'm now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, I had dinner with the girl I thought I would end up marrying. Everything was going well and after I had paid the bill, she said she was a lesbian. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, she challenged me to see who could hook up with a straight girl first. I lost. FML

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By habassistant - 2/1/2013 15:49 - United States - North Olmsted

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

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By :) - 22/4/2010 17:37 - Greece

Today, I was getting my portrait done. The artist told me to smile. He looked at me, then said, "Oh, don't smile." FML

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By anonymous - 1/12/2016 16:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my family was watching a football game and kept mentioning their team's quarterback's name and, as I'm not a football fan by any means, asked them who this was. My grandma then turned to me and said, "This is why you don't have a boyfriend." FML

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By GirlOnTheFly - 27/6/2012 04:20 - United States - Uniontown

Today, I was finally able to drive my brother's nice car instead of my clunker, because he left for college. First thing I do? Back into the neighbors' mailbox while exiting the driveway. FML

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By suppressinggags - 18/3/2016 19:45 - United States - Kennett

Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML

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By Isitreallythatbad, - 22/12/2013 05:37 - United States

Today, I went to a local bar for a speed dating event. The first person I hooked up with took one look at my face, burst into laughter, and walked out of the bar practically doubling over. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2015 03:19 - United States - Seattle

Today, a while after finishing and uploading a task, I looked at my peers' work to make sure I hadn't missed anything in mine. One of them had gotten the same idea and had decided to incorporate part of my work into his. "Part" as in "all". "All" as in all of his work is also all of mine. FML

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By Brandon - 10/8/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, my mom was taking an online IQ test. To the question "On which continent is Canada located?" she responded "Antarctica." If intelligence is genetic, I'm screwed. FML

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By scaredinnyc - 14/11/2012 01:03 - United States - Trenton

Today, I was looking at tattoos and fell in love with a really cool looking one, so I decided to get it. I later showed it to a friend who is a cop. He informed me that it is a gang tattoo. I think I just put a target on my ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2013 19:34 - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, I discovered that if I turn my shower off for a minute, then back on again, the water comes out scalding hot. I discovered that while the showerhead was pointed directly at my genitals. FML

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By thanks iphone - 30/1/2016 21:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I realized I wasn't getting notifications for my voicemail, so I decided to check it and found out that I had 3 job offerings that are no longer an option. FML

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By lunarboy - 17/2/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

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By :( - 28/9/2013 21:24 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner and have to leave in shame. FML

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By For - 28/12/2010 14:00 - United States

Today, I asked my husband if he thought I was pretty. He replied "compared to what?" He was serious. FML

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By DuhSteven - 6/6/2012 17:04 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had my first ever shift at the zoo. My job is to explain the characteristics and habits of various animals to the visitors. A five-year-old outsmarted me while I was talking about lions. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, I was taking the final exam for one of my classes. The teacher came over to my desk, grabbed my test and ripped it in half. Then he grabbed my hand and read the note I had written on it to remind myself to pay rent. FML

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By omgitserika - 18/11/2009 15:09 - United States

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2009 05:06 - Canada

Today, my mom told me she spent $760 on "quantum pendants" that "produce scalar energy that helps to enhance the body’s biofield." When I told her she got scammed, she denied it and yelled at me. Best part? She frequently lectures me about how I waste my money and spend irresponsibly. FML

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By so scared - 8/2/2014 17:13 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

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By katshay8 - 12/10/2018 17:30

Today, I went to the doctor for allergy testing. Apparently, one of my worst allergies is cats. I'm a "crazy cat lady" who loves anything cat-related and has 3 cats. Allergy shots, here I come. FML

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Top comments

By Googolman | 29

#6346858 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

I'm positive that he's a keeper. Positive as a proton.

By dutchman327 | 3

#6346860 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

This can hopefully be something you two can laugh about :)

COMMENTS

By royr7395 | 29

#6346856 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:42

I hope you're a Chem major, at the very least

Reply

IronMan_Mk43 | 20

#6347316 - Saturday 11 July 2015 12:35

Or a physics major. Or an engineering major.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6347372 - Saturday 11 July 2015 13:49

Or graduated eighth grade Science.

By Googolman | 29

#6346858 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

I'm positive that he's a keeper. Positive as a proton.

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6346981 - Saturday 11 July 2015 3:13

Time for puns! Too bad I'm not that good atom.

Reply

FluffyPandas156 | 13

#6346996 - Saturday 11 July 2015 3:44

#33 I think we should barium now

Reply

Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6347042 - Saturday 11 July 2015 5:44

I just want the link to the video

Reply

QuaDECH | 13

#6347195 - Saturday 11 July 2015 8:28

I got my ion you.

Reply

ArturoJames | 13

#6347519 - Saturday 11 July 2015 16:50

I can't wait for when these puns argon.

Reply

HighasaCloud | 46

#6347905 - Saturday 11 July 2015 23:04

It's the cute little things like this that people bond over

Reply

danimal_crackerz | 26

#6348152 - Sunday 12 July 2015 2:56

Beat me to it XD

Reply

cellyhard | 5

#6580977 - Friday 15 April 2016 21:29

YOU

By td8263 | 10

#6346859 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

Yes first comment

By dutchman327 | 3

#6346860 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

This can hopefully be something you two can laugh about :)

By Geckosrock99 | 33

#6346861 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:43

That sounds cute!

By Curtis66 | 19

#6346866 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

You're better off laughing with him about it than making a big deal about it.

By Theglc20 | 27

#6346868 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

If electrons want to be that way, I say let them

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6346897 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:57

I've always found them to be such a negative bunch.

Always on the move too, never taking the time to appreciate things.

Reply

dewberry2001 | 25

#6346934 - Saturday 11 July 2015 1:40

They're sluts. Jumping from one atom to another when they get unstable.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6346969 - Saturday 11 July 2015 2:52

Ion the other hand am going for team proton as I prefer a stable and positive outlook.

Reply

be82tw | 17

#6347031 - Saturday 11 July 2015 5:17

I never cared for Protons too much, actually. They always have to be in the center of things.

Reply

ruikuku | 5

#6347076 - Saturday 11 July 2015 7:01

I have always considered neutrons big hypocrites. Appearing all neutral and shit, but always sticking with the protons.

Reply

WilliamMurderfac_fml | 23

#6348592 - Sunday 12 July 2015 15:29

Protons and neutrons are just misunderstood, they always hold electrons at a distance. they really want to be closer together, like one big happy proton star.

By WitEluded | 13

#6346869 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:44

OP, follow up with a YouTube link plz

Reply

mrbump122 | 13

#6348065 - Sunday 12 July 2015 1:01

Yes, that would be great :)

By leogachi | 15

#6346873 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:45

Best FML ever.

By chosha_fml | 25

#6346876 - Saturday 11 July 2015 0:48

This is a YouTube channel waiting to happen.