Intimacy: Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year... - FML

By fecurtis - United States

Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML

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Messed up

Mystery

Beggars can be choosers

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got an e-mail from a guy I'd had a one night stand with. He wanted to get together to talk about it. Turns out he's in rehab and he wanted to address the biggest mistakes he'd ever made in his life. I am a on a drug addict's list of regrets. FML

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By Gagging - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML

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By BowTiesAr3Cool - United States - Irving

Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML

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By dentistftw - United States

Today, was my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML

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By MrDanito - Czech Republic - Lysa Nad Labem

Today, I never thought I would see a blowjob from the perspective of the viewer, but it happened, in our open-space office. FML

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By CryoSpectre - United States - San Francisco

Today, I made my mom cookies for Mother's Day. My brother took all the cookies to work as a snack, because I didn't specifically tell him that the homemade "MOM" hearts weren't meant for him. FML

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By Cockroachphobic - 4/4/2020 14:00

Creepy crawlies

Today, I found out that the small bugs I've been blowing off my pillow all year are in fact baby cockroaches. I discover this when I found two full grown ones crawling around and decided to Google it. FML

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By "Kilamo" - United States

Best words

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

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By Teenagegirl - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

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By pussyOUT - United States

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML

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By honorstudent - United States

Today, I received an award from my school rewarding me for my honor roll and my cheerleading. When I brought the certificate home my mom congratulated me and hugged me. I worked really hard for this and all my dad had to say was, "Try this flavor of Doritos." FML

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By AloisTrancy

Corporate logic

Today, I was called into the office and suspended due to allegations made by a coworker of poor work performance. Yesterday, I received a certificate praising my work performance. I might be dismissed at any moment. FML

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By amm

Today, my boyfriend started tickling me relentlessly. I am extremely ticklish and accidentally kicked him in the shin whilst squirming. He’s now trying to get me arrested for assault. FML

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By Giraafe - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I got grounded because I didn't send my aunt a Mother's Day present. Not only is she not married she doesn't have kids. FML

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By cmerr - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom went snooping through my art bin to "clean out my old drawings". She found numerous nude pieces and accused me of selling porn. My mom mistook and threw out 57 anatomy practice sketches that I worked very very hard on, and ripped up the remainder of my drawings. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

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By wouldn'tyouliketoknow

Sneaky moggie

Today, my neighbours were screaming for their "lost" cat again. I've already seen the cat multiple times. In my garden. Pissing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Quitman

Today, my phone ran out of space, so I downloaded an app to store all my photos online. After everything transferred, I deleted the 1,000+ photos from my phone, along with the "recently deleted" file since it was also taking up space. The app is now empty of all "downloaded photos". FML

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By Aintnosunshine - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

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By Ohfknhell

It's a sign...

Today, I received a package from Amazon that was supposed to contain the book I needed for my open book final exam tonight. They must have mixed up my order, because the box contained a large pink dildo. I think the universe just told me to get fucked. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Tilburg

Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Thornbury

Today, the only "Happy birthday!" I got was from the cake I bought for myself. FML

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By Nightmares - United States

FML Uncensored

Today, I surprisingly found two empty seats on the subway. Before anyone could get to them, I rushed and triumphantly sat down, enjoying my victory, until I noticed why they were empty. I had just sat down next to a guy vigorously trying to fellate himself. FML

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By SeeTony - United States

Today, I decided to begin jogging since my weight was getting a little out of control and I wanted to do something about it. Guess who tripped on a root and broke their ankle? Yeah. Exactly. FML

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By _Emilyy - United States

Today, I updated my facebook status to, "Party at my house this Friday. Like my status if you want to come." After about 3 hours I checked back to discover that the only person who'd liked my status was my grandma. FML

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By mista hunna - United States - Baltimore

Today, I found the dog I lost while I was dog sitting. It was with its new adoptive family. FML

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By Fabio - Malta - Piet?

Today, my girlfriend started insulting me on Facebook. Angry and hurt, I let it all out and insulted her back with her obesity. Turns out it was her brother who used her account to play a "prank" on me. FML

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By Anonymous

Fetish

Today, my boyfriend and I finally had sex. The entire time he kept begging me to fart, especially on him. FML

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By Beestings - United States

Today, I was complaining to my husband about a busty but vapid celebrity, and he replied, "She doesn't need brains, honey, she has boobs. You wouldn't understand." FML

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By Owned - United States

Today, my parents came to visit me at the ranch I work at. They're scared to death of horses, but I was explaining how they are almost completely harmless. I was showing them how to work around the horse without getting kicked. As they relaxed, the horse kicked me. I now have a broken leg. FML

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By badplacerightnow - United States - Frisco

Celebrate good times come on!

Today, it's the first birthday of the condom in my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Duncannon

Today, the McDonald's in my town ran out of fries. I was the one who had to tell all the angry customers we had no more fries in the store. FML

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By thesadone - United States

Today, I realized that the best and most entertaining part of my 3 day mini vacation was realizing my nipples work on the touch screen of my iPhone. FML

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By apparentlynotengaged - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my fiancé won't tell people we're engaged because his mother doesn't approve, and he doesn't want to upset her. FML

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By skjjj - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We came late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fairfax

Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML

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By bbedlock - Australia

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

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By iwannagotomiamitoo - United States - Brookline

Today, I found out that apparently I'm in Miami. I am also enjoying a five-star hotel and all of its services. Only one problem: I'm still here, stuck in a small suburban town. F*ck identity theft. FML

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Top comments

By maiden_girl | 5

#2126 - Saturday 14 February 2009 13:16

Wow.... that really did just go from MILF to GILF... lol.

By podrummer9209 | 0

#51691 - Monday 23 March 2009 3:45

Yeah dude. Wait til you hit three years and the holes in the middle of CDs make you start wishing your dick was smaller.

COMMENTS

By maiden_girl | 5

#2126 - Saturday 14 February 2009 13:16

Wow.... that really did just go from MILF to GILF... lol.

By AddictedToLove_fml | 0

#5230 - Sunday 22 February 2009 6:46

So freakin sick

By skatingweasel | 0

#5691 - Monday 23 February 2009 6:52

dude, i hope you never saw Yesman

Reply

screwlife23 | 0

#920851 - Sunday 7 March 2010 7:33

lmao.

Reply

fifi23_fml | 0

#969525 - Saturday 27 March 2010 23:42

lol #6 hopefully this lady kept her teeth in :)

Reply

socksket | 4

#1100441 - Saturday 17 July 2010 5:46

dude.... NICE XD

By Durf | 0

#12136 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 5:22

hilarious :D

By Lucicx0 | 0

#13149 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 22:46

thats fucked...;]

By xalfredx | 0

#27661 - Thursday 12 March 2009 4:45

haha atleast you're honest...i like you just for that man

By bassguitar19 | 1

#29251 - Friday 13 March 2009 3:23

well are you at least masturbating?

Reply

ashleykate01 | 0

#590524 - Monday 28 September 2009 0:11

lmao, wow thats gross.
a freaking grandmaw? lol

By Synthetic42 | 0

#35991 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 1:23

Good thing she didn't offer you some hard candy after that!

Reply

popoman | 0

#468131 - Saturday 8 August 2009 3:41

Maybe you could offer her some hard candy.

See what I did there?

By thatsucks4u | 0

#42087 - Thursday 19 March 2009 5:11

wat her dentures turn u on?

By AwesomeSauce | 0

#46754 - Saturday 21 March 2009 4:23

LMFAO
Sorry, this will sound mean but... HAHAHAHAHA.
That's so depressing!
You poor thing!