Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband....

By 404: fuck not given - 23/11/2014 16:34 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

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Intimacy

Family values

Assumptions

Higher standards

By unlicensed - 1/8/2012 16:20 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I drove 45 minutes to take my full driver's test. At the end of the test, the instructor told me I'd done everything perfectly, but had failed before I left the parking lot. I didn't see the "one way" sign at the entrance. FML

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By Ow - 19/6/2016 00:51 - United Kingdom - Swanscombe

Today, my little sister decided to move one of the mouse traps I set for our current mouse problem onto my desk chair. Apparently when a mouse is caught in a mousetrap it's cruel, but when it snaps on my balls, that's hilarious. FML

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By fartypeepee - 18/7/2009 10:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up feeling a tingling sensation on my testicles. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, then threw off the covers. Looks like there have been cockroaches in my bed. FML

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By baconistasty27 - 1/8/2014 05:33 - United States - San Diego

Today, I spent my afternoon rummaging through old jeans and other pants, due to being broke and needing cash for ramen. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2016 20:22 - South Africa - Port Elizabeth

Today, my mum wants me to see a psychologist because I've been acting strange lately. If by "strange" she means "not wanting to die any more", then sure. But thanks, I could've used that psychologist 3 years ago when I asked for one. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 10:36 - Ukraine - Poltava

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I have no sex drive, but faked it to avoid hurting his feelings. It was after he confessed he is not attracted to women, but forced himself to have sex with me because he didn't want to admit he is gay. FML

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By adsfkerfmpo - 30/7/2009 08:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I made a date to try to save our relationship. I sat in his room for hours while he watched YouTube videos of World of Warcraft. FML

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By onlyme123 - 27/6/2018 15:00

Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML

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By michellekel - 4/7/2009 12:10 - France

Today, I went to the beach on the cote d'azur and the lifeguard told me that even though there were two jellyfish in the bay, it was safe to swim. Five minutes into swimming, I got stung twice. FML

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By kaylashay2k13 - 17/5/2016 14:18 - United States - Mission

Today, my boyfriend was trying to tackle me to the bed when we heard a loud pop. The pop turned out to be him breaking my pinky finger. FML

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By serveandprotectyeahright - 20/11/2010 14:00 - United States

Today, a cop almost rear-ended my car, slammed on the gas with no warning, swerved around me, flipped me the bird, then cut me off and then drove a full ten miles under the speed limit. When I changed lanes to overtake him, he pulled me over for road rage. FML

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By FML - 11/7/2016 21:16 - United States - Pine Bush

Today, I was at work and a guy walked up holding his phone with the camera facing me. He then looks up at me and says, "I'm not taking a picture of you. I'm just trying to catch a Pokemon." And here I was thinking that I looked nice today. FML

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By Celeste - 2/3/2010 09:14 - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 20:00

Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2015 07:21 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my husband of 3 weeks told me he doesn't want to be married anymore because I suggested getting a joint bank account. FML

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By the customer is always a cunt - 20/12/2013 21:48 - United States - Sarasota

Today, a guy came into the small coffee shop I work at, and got angry because I wouldn't accept his Starbucks gift card as valid payment. When I told him we clearly aren't a Starbucks, he said "It's all the same shit" and ended up throwing a punch at me. FML

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By CmS_1733 - 11/2/2016 18:59 - United States - Pottsville

Today, after long day at work, I stopped by my parents' house to say hi. After 30 minutes into the visit, my dad turns to me and asks, "Did you really have to stop by while I was balls deep?" Apparently I interrupted my parents' sex time. FML

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By hannax - 16/8/2016 17:26 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I was spending the night at my fiancé's house. He knew my period was about to start, so he asked if he needed to put a tarp down on the bed. He was dead serious. FML

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By urmommmm - 22/8/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents came into my room at 12:01 to surprise me. Do you know what fifteen year olds do at midnight? FML

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By FYouBoyfriend - 30/8/2010 17:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend questioned why I always put my shirts in the dryer right before wearing them. I told him it was because the dryer causes my shirts to regain their form and tightness. His response: "You should throw your vagina in there along with them." FML

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By janice - 3/6/2011 23:23 - United States

Today, my boss called me to his office, and played back a recording of me telling a co-worker that if I still worked there in a year, I would hang myself. He then bitched me out for unprofessional conduct. The taped conversation took place over a year ago, with my recently ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2010 14:29 - Canada

Today, I was the only girl in my lab class. The instructor was learning our names. When he came to me, I went to say "mine will be easy" and it came out as "I'm easy." FML

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By in this day and age.... - 27/3/2016 16:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, the first words I heard from my "good, Christian" future mother-in-law included a salvo of curse words and a hushed rant about "them dirty Jews". I'm culturally Jewish. This bodes well. FML

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By shygurl434 - 15/3/2010 09:14 - United States

Today, the boy I like finally acknowledged me. He came up to me and uttered two words: "Nice pooper." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2013 06:13 - United States

Today, I finally built up the courage to quit my job. I waited an hour to speak to the boss; I finally sat down with her, and she told me I had to be let go because I'm not "reliable enough." The only time I missed work was when I had the stomach flu. I was fired before I could even quit. FML

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By Wtf - 10/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Peoria

Today, I was asked to babysit for a family that attends the daycare I work at. All of my coworkers warned me that they were rough kids but I shrugged it off. As soon as the parents left, the 7-year-old girl said, "Oh good now I can focus on death and my plans". FML

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By Promo girl - 22/1/2009 22:35 - Australia

Today, I was offered a promotion but for the same pay. Promotion... WTF? FML

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By not crazy enough - 17/11/2014 18:48 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take a holiday greeting picture of my cat and myself for her. She says she'll be back and expects one. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2012 02:53 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I started a new job. I'm now trapped in a small office with a woman who says, "Oh my gravy!" constantly. In response to everything. FML

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By ifmlftw - 22/6/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML

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By ohhhgross - 26/10/2009 18:32 - Singapore

Today, while I was eating, my younger sister came over and sat beside me. She started clipping her toenails. Disgusted by it, I turned and opened my mouth to tell her to move somewhere else, just as one flew inside my mouth. FML

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By EpicFail - 11/1/2009 20:59 - United States

Today, a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2014 23:25 - Sweden - Sundsvall

Today, I had a seizure while at the airport, ready to go on vacation with my family. We ended up missing our flight. My mom spent most of the ride home making cracks about how I'm always ruining things with my "dramatics". Sorry that I have epilepsy, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 05:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML

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By bumblebee - 14/9/2009 21:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I liked. We sat in the gardens, me facing the path, him with his back to it. We were in deep conversation when I noticed a dog that looked exactly like mine. Then I looked up and saw a man that looked like my dad. Yes - my parents followed me on a date. FML

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By ouch - 20/12/2011 12:46 - Australia

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

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By mommyfairy - 12/3/2011 08:34 - United States

Today, I realized that my boss is able to read all the emails my coworker and I send each other. Most of them are about how she is such a shitty boss. FML

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By noooooo - 22/1/2010 07:32 - Canada

Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML

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By NoTeddies - 21/9/2016 22:48 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear keyring. I had to explain that although many grown women like cuddly toys, I don't. And even if I did, a filthy, soaking wet bear he found in a puddle on the street is not a nice gesture, despite his suggestion I can just wash it in the machine. FML

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By mn167109 - 9/12/2014 05:45 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I asked my dad why we didn't have any baby pictures. His response was, "They got lost in the flood of '93." I was born in '95. FML

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Top comments

By nunn245 | 10

#6126494 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:12

I can now say I've heard that phrase in the literal sense

By devildog562 | 33

#6126496 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:12

Do it yourself. Sounds like his cock is chicken.

COMMENTS

By nunn245 | 10

#6126494 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:12

I can now say I've heard that phrase in the literal sense

dcb132z | 17

#6127418 - Tuesday 25 November 2014 2:06

Just take it out your self he wont stop you

By WoldowJR | 25

#6126495 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:12

Now you know how it feels.

By devildog562 | 33

#6126496 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:12

Do it yourself. Sounds like his cock is chicken.

papabear88 | 6

#6127884 - Tuesday 25 November 2014 22:19

ahahahah

By hard_candy | 25

#6126501 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:13

why don't you give him something to really give a fuck about?

KitchKraft | 21

#6127862 - Tuesday 25 November 2014 21:25

Yeah, like a sandwich.

By RedCityScapes | 5

#6126502 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:13

Did he mean that literally? Love his wording.

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6126503 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:14

This totally depends on what was on tv.

Joseph24689 | 14

#6332514 - Friday 26 June 2015 5:14

This is true

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#6126508 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:18

Got enjoy yourself without him

By seninaa | 27

#6126510 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:20

well at least you tried...

By DollFacedTee | 6

#6126517 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:27

Kiss him from his neck to his... That may get his attention perhaps.

Zebediabolical | 37

#6126541 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:43

Don't stop there. Keep going. I'm soooooo close!

devildog562 | 33

#6126547 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:48

The photo of your double ganger and this comment are perfect.

devildog562 | 33

#6126557 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:55

Damn autocorrect ... Doppleganger**

By patrickeli | 15

#6126518 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:28

Husband of the year for you