Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband....

By 404: fuck not given - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I started to get horny while watching TV with my husband. I tried turning him on by telling him I wanted his cock. He cheerfully replied without looking away from the TV, "If only I gave a fuck, babe, if only I gave a fuck!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

44846

You deserved it

5548

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Intimacy

Commando

Walk on the wild side

Moving on

By goodstudent - United States

Today, I was supposed to take a test, but the professor didn't have it ready because he went to a concert last night. I sold my own tickets to that very concert in order to study for the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44549

You deserved it

4634

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By EwokLover17 - United States

Today, my iPod came back from repair and still had a distorted sound. I've been through calls, meetings, and repairs with Apple since Christmas, and it still sounds like the half speaker in my old car. Then I found out the new Nano requires you to push the headphones plug in harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6593

You deserved it

41844

Favorite

By Stupid - Australia - Bellerive

Today, I waited thirty minutes for a bus that stopped running three weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30227

You deserved it

6782

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By Snowtoe

Today, I'm at my grandparents' house to help clear snow. I was making a path to the driveway by pushing the snow out of the way. I saw a big pile and went to kick it really hard. Alas, it was a step. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6363

You deserved it

3096

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By ohhaithur

Today, my mom accused me of stealing $350 from her. She didn't accuse my unemployed brother, who just bought a brand new iPhone. Even after he confessed to her, she thought he was covering for me. My brother has a criminal record for theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2365

You deserved it

Favorite

By Toroka

Today, I had to spend two hours in the car with my mother. That doesn't sound so bad until you realize she's the kind of person who can, and did, spend nearly half an hour ranting about how the Big Beautiful Woman porn niche is the root of obesity in America. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13765

You deserved it

1001

Favorite

By spiritbeast33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came out of the closet. Now whenever I'm getting ready to go somewhere with my dad he says, "Lesgo, lesbo." FML

I agree, your life sucks

60308

You deserved it

13503

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went shopping for a new pair of jeans. I was feeling good about the fact that I was going down a waist size until the cashier decided to discuss with me, three co-workers, and the ten other people in line how she didn't even know jeans came in sizes that big. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41004

You deserved it

6774

Favorite

By shallowvomit1013 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22891

You deserved it

5352

Favorite

By NoOrdinaryNZer - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10691

You deserved it

971

Favorite

By scottyboy

Today, I started packing up the flat I have been renting. As I took a picture off the wall I also ripped half the wallpaper. That's my deposit gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10493

You deserved it

1634

Favorite

By pinkplasticjesus - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to eat. I ordered and ate my meal, then went to the counter to pay for it. I threw $2 into the tip jar then got my bill. My bill was $13.86. I had to reach into the tip jar and take my $2 back so I could pay for my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15260

You deserved it

55897

Favorite

By kristajoy2001

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. All of the sudden, he whispered in my ear, "Do you want to hear a Minecraft joke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1658

You deserved it

298

Favorite

By I_dislike_Twilight - United States

Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39289

You deserved it

4686

Favorite

By Ro - United States

Today, my car was stolen. I got it back later without the engine, any of the wheels or my brand new radio and speakers. They even took my car mats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31172

You deserved it

2472

Favorite

By nutcracker - Slovenia

Today, I tried to see if you can kick yourself in the nuts. You can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7164

You deserved it

68180

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept pressuring me to get it on. I told him I was self-conscious abut my stomach and didn't want him to see it. His response? My double chin doesn't keep him from kissing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27732

You deserved it

8169

Favorite

By soy_un_perderdor - United States

Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28628

You deserved it

6741

Favorite

By Chad - 10/9/2020 04:02 - United States - Norfolk

Cloth ears

Today, my hubby asked me what we were doing for dinner. He'd already asked me twice and each time I responded, he said, "Sounds good." He has no idea why I feel like he doesn't listen to me. He's been doing this shit for 12 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1312

You deserved it

264

Favorite

By Kmcc

Today, while having sex with my wife, I got a sudden leg cramp. While sliding off the bed, I found a sewing needle. With my ball sack. I ended up with a one-inch gash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3397

You deserved it

240

Favorite

By burrrito_ - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I found out why you depressurize your espresso maker before changing out the coffee grinds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7593

You deserved it

3014

Favorite

By ApparentlyATerribleDaughter

Today, while I took my dog out, my mother began to cook, took a Xanax, locked the doors, and knocked out. When I managed to get in, I called the paramedics because she was in the smoke for at least an hour. When she became conscious, she blamed me for everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3171

You deserved it

178

Favorite

By argh - United States

Today, I'm staying with my mother for a week. Every time I eat something, she tells me that it's "swimsuit season" and that I need to eat less. Every time I say I'm not hungry, she panics and insists I have an eating disorder. I can't win. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35852

You deserved it

2463

Favorite

By geek - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I had to explain to my boss that DVI ports are not the same as HDMI ports. When I showed him the HDMI cable, he said, "Oh! You mean USB!" He's an engineering manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26631

You deserved it

1758

Favorite

By Mew - United States

Today, while working at the hospital, I had a patient with a blocked bowel. It was so bad, feces were entering into her stomach. While leaning down to talk with her, she threw up. I was both vomited and defecated on at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71002

You deserved it

4070

Favorite

By conchita - United States

Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10342

You deserved it

27169

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By YoshiSqu4d - 31/7/2020 20:01

Emergency cooking

Today, I managed to set off the smoke detectors while cooking burgers. The cops and fire department showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1044

You deserved it

330

Favorite

By Awahso - United States - Buford

Today, I had to buy a new boxcutter for work after our old one broke. It came in a box, the type which policy requires a boxcutter to open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43116

You deserved it

3587

Favorite

By Pratik_ra - 1/12/2020 07:58

Rolling in it

Today, I got raise at work. It's $3 per month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

735

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad called me a "deadbeat loser" after I came back from my first day of voluntary rehab for my meth problem. He's never had a job in his life and sits on the sofa all day, smoking weed and playing video games, all on my mom's salary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60584

You deserved it

8612

Favorite

By just me - Germany - Overath

Today, I argued heavily with my dad over being dragged to a family game of lacrosse. All through the game, he kept "accidentally" hurling the ball straight at me on the sideline. After he eventually nailed me straight in the heart, he screamed at me to "get out of the fucking way". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26088

You deserved it

3457

Favorite

By thank god you'll only live once - Canada - Hamilton

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49060

You deserved it

3752

Favorite

By "tease_ftx"

Who run the world? Cats!

Today, as I was laying down to sleep, I grabbed my covers and realized the cat pissed on them and on my body pillow. Now I'm up at 1am doing laundry so I can have clean bedding and my kids are awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3077

You deserved it

404

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a visit with my mom, I started feeling sick. I meant to send her a text asking if she had gotten sick lately, but I accidentally sent a text asking if she had gotten dick lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33341

You deserved it

5323

Favorite

By Liz - United States - Torrance

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24173

You deserved it

3565

Favorite

By NoThanks - United States

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23349

You deserved it

59762

Favorite

By unluckylassy - Ireland

Today, after moving miles to be with my boyfriend, I logged onto his computer just in time to see his other girlfriend had sent naked pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56966

You deserved it

6168

Favorite

By conley19 - United States

Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35139

You deserved it

4781

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, my husband and I were arguing, but I dropped it so we could calm down before discussing the matter again. Later on, he made us lasagna. The moment I swallowed the first mouthful, he smirked, then started snickering uncontrollably. What the fuck did he do to my food? FML

I agree, your life sucks

50469

You deserved it

5650

Favorite

By AwkwardMoments

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6773

You deserved it

650

Favorite

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Top comments

By nunn245 | 10

#6126494 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:12

I can now say I've heard that phrase in the literal sense

By devildog562 | 33

#6126496 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:12

Do it yourself. Sounds like his cock is chicken.

COMMENTS

By nunn245 | 10

#6126494 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:12

I can now say I've heard that phrase in the literal sense

dcb132z | 17

#6127418 - Tuesday 25 November 2014 2:06

Just take it out your self he wont stop you

By WoldowJR | 25

#6126495 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:12

Now you know how it feels.

By devildog562 | 33

#6126496 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:12

Do it yourself. Sounds like his cock is chicken.

papabear88 | 6

#6127884 - Tuesday 25 November 2014 22:19

ahahahah

By hard_candy | 25

#6126501 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:13

why don't you give him something to really give a fuck about?

KitchKraft | 21

#6127862 - Tuesday 25 November 2014 21:25

Yeah, like a sandwich.

By RedCityScapes | 5

#6126502 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:13

Did he mean that literally? Love his wording.

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6126503 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:14

This totally depends on what was on tv.

Joseph24689 | 14

#6332514 - Friday 26 June 2015 5:14

This is true

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#6126508 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:18

Got enjoy yourself without him

By seninaa | 27

#6126510 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:20

well at least you tried...

By DollFacedTee | 6

#6126517 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:27

Kiss him from his neck to his... That may get his attention perhaps.

Zebediabolical | 37

#6126541 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:43

Don't stop there. Keep going. I'm soooooo close!

devildog562 | 33

#6126547 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:48

The photo of your double ganger and this comment are perfect.

devildog562 | 33

#6126557 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:55

Damn autocorrect ... Doppleganger**

By patrickeli | 15

#6126518 - Monday 24 November 2014 0:28

Husband of the year for you