Today, I began to undress my wife, who was watching TV, and gave...

By Velian - 9/12/2008 08:59 - France

Today, I began to undress my wife, who was watching TV, and gave her a massage to relax her while she watched her soap. 20 minutes later, when the programme came to an end, she said "I wish you'd let me watch TV in peace!". FML

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Love

Banished

F*** my overweight life

Vultures

By AnnaWusHere - 3/9/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, my 72 year old Grandmother informed me she's running for mayor. She's been going around town with home made signs all day campaigning to win mayor. She lives in my town. My friend called me asking me if she was high. FML

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By Coco - 19/4/2016 20:58 - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, I invited my sister to my wedding. She is not coming, because I didn't reply to her email three years ago. The one she sent to my whole family, saying that I was a dangerous psychopath. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

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By Yo Mr. White! ... BETCH! - 23/10/2012 22:47 - United States - Imperial Beach

Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML

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By JeffeeBojangles - 28/2/2012 12:46 - United States

Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML

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By wrecked - 23/1/2012 01:52 - United States

Today, I totaled my car, because I mistook the leaves blowing across the road for a child. I swerved and hit a tree. The home owner wants to sue for "harming his tree" and hospital wants to test my mental stability. FML

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By bummed - 14/4/2014 01:57

Today, my family and I went on a hike to a local abandoned gold mine, with the hopes of being able to explore the caves. What we didn't expect was four miles of treacherous, rocky, near vertical trails that led to the mine. Once we finally got there, exhausted, it was blocked off for safety reasons. FML

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By oneillrox - 3/11/2011 20:06 - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 08:04

Make your minds up

Today, I was told I was negative for Covid, so I went to buy wine to celebrate. Two hours later, I got a call again, saying I was positive and placed under quarantine. FML

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By michellemoyah - 25/2/2012 05:04 - United States

Today, I went to a dance with the boy I like. To my delight, he tried to pick me up. To my dismay, he couldn't. FML

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By Superman - 15/11/2012 06:01 - United States - Bellflower

Today, after finishing a test, I decided to draw to pass the time. My teacher looked at the drawing and gave me a referral to the principal for drawing an "anti-Semitic picture." I'd drawn Superman. FML

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By hahanosirr - 21/5/2011 20:02 - United States

Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded. It came from his car bumping up and down while we drove down a pot-holed road. FML

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By jibjab - 11/1/2009 16:46 - Canada

Today, I have a degree in electrical engineering, my wife was doing a crossword and asked me what are the units of capacitance, I couldn't remember. FML

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By confusedandnowsingle - 28/6/2013 12:23 - Finland - Espoo

Today, my boyfriend's proposal speech somehow ended with him breaking up with me. FML

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By Adrian James - 9/7/2019 12:00

Today, I got into a fight with my roommate's girlfriend's best friend. A few hours later, they had me evicted. FML

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By .. - 13/9/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so I quickly grabbed my roommate's only oven mitt and grabbed the pan in the oven. It didn't take long to figure out there was a hole in it when my thumb hit the hot pan. FML

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By Kilania - 10/9/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend was talking about video games. Bored of the subject, I started kissing his neck and chest in hopes of him to stop talking and getting some action. He did stop, only for him to say about a minute later, "You're lucky my games can't do this." FML

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By adriana - 1/9/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By nevermind - 13/8/2019 00:01

Today, while planning for our trip next spring, my friend told me that she's decided that her mom is coming with us. It’s non-negotiable. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2015 09:09 - United States - East Carondelet

Today, I'm babysitting for kids whose parents said they would be back by 12. Its 4am and they still aren't home. I don't get paid enough for this. FML

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By madmomma - 25/7/2012 19:46 - United States - Veneta

Today, my mom got a new puppy and named her Olivia. Which would be fine, if that wasn't the name I had been planning to give my baby, who's due in 3 weeks. Thanks mom. FML

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By anonymous - 2/11/2016 04:18

Today, it was the first day of my new job. It was also the last day of my new job. I got a call immediately after finishing my shift to be told the company has "decided to go in a different direction" and will no longer be needing my services. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 22:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my birthday. What did I get? A 12-hour work shift, after spending an almost sleepless night in a computer chair because my bed is infested with bed bugs. FML

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By Marty - 24/8/2011 17:14 - United States

Today, I've gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local Pizza Hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I've already received 16 calls. FML

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By Pims - 15/4/2017 12:00

Today, I've learned that when in a job interview at a Japanese company, the words, "Now we would like you to undertake a small Japanese test to check your Japanese level" actually means, "We would like you to gather all your hopes and dreams of you ever working for us, and let them die." FML

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By sara - 24/7/2020 23:01

Spotted

Today, I discovered my first wrinkle at the same time as my millionth zit. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 18:07

Alexa, play "Mr Loverman" by Shabba Ranks

Today, I was at a store when I saw a cute girl from my school. Trying to act cool, I went to hold the door for her. Too bad it was an automatic door. FML

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By ENDmySUFFERING - 21/7/2016 15:25 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML

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By StillnothowIimaginedmydaygoing - 14/10/2015 16:22 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my boyfriend found out that male goats will stick their tongues out, snort, and garble at female goats in heat. Now he's doing it to me at all manner of times, sound effects and all. I now know why goats ram their heads into things repeatedly. FML

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By Grrrr! - 23/4/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to hunt Easter eggs before we have sex. I'm glad he has his priorities straight. FML

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By ~JESSICA~ - 11/9/2010 06:19 - United States

Today, I woke up late to an urgent voicemail from my dad telling me he left me a present in my car. Excited, I went to investigate. I then saw that his "surprise" was fresh fish he had caught. I hate fish, and now my car stinks. FML

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By Julia - 26/2/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I found out all the money my dad has been saving in the bank for me since birth has all been spent, by my mother who I haven't seen or talked to in about two years. FML

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By Anon127 - 12/6/2012 02:40 - United States - Taunton

Today, I learned that instead of training my cat, she has been training me. She now refuses to drink anything but running tap water, and yowls loudly early in the morning at my bedroom door to be fed. FML

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By leapple - 14/3/2010 01:17 - United States

Today, I spent 2 hours doing my hair, doing my make-up, and picking out an outfit to meet some men. On chatroulette. FML

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By k.love - 22/6/2010 12:59 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's apartment to surprise him with breakfast only to find that his other girlfriend had beat me to it. FML

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By Gurior - 4/9/2011 07:01 - Canada

Today, the condoms I bought a few years ago as a celebration of dumping my girlfriend due to a lack of sex, have expired. Every last one of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 09:11 - United States

Today, I couldn't get to work because I couldn't find my car keys. It turns out, my mother took them and put them "somewhere safe." She can't remember where they are. FML

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By imsorrytimmy - 2/4/2009 15:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

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By tictacnose - 8/1/2012 00:33 - Canada

Today, my sister attacked me and stuffed a Tic Tac up my nose. I'm currently in the hospital waiting to have it removed. FML

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By haqL - 15/11/2013 22:51 - Mexico - Quer?taro

Today, my girlfriend brought a 12-pack of beer to my mother's wake. FML

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Top comments

By cndrow | 0

#927 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:45

I am a woman, and I agree- women need to communicate (just as much as men). If she didn't want the massage (who in their right mind wouldn't want a massage from their man is beyond my comprehension but whatever..) she should've said 'thanks honey but I'd like to watch this before you do that' or something to that effect. Geez. Ungrateful b*tch.

By 0___0 | 9

#9190 - Saturday 28 February 2009 10:25

Why is she watching T.V. when she has a loving husband for entertainment? ;)

COMMENTS

By Vic_Sage | 0

#465 - Saturday 7 February 2009 7:03

time for a divorce.

Caayouteepie | 0

#539508 - Friday 4 September 2009 22:16

why the hell is it time for a divorce?? sure it was stupid and bitchy of her to do that but i dont think he should take it to that extreme.

Demotivator | 2

#3254398 - Thursday 8 September 2011 0:32

C'mon op how is she supposed to dream about having sex with them when you keep touching her.

By huanita | 0

#516 - Saturday 7 February 2009 17:48

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

bballer55 | 0

#1002911 - Sunday 23 May 2010 3:55

this person fails how do u spell program wrong??

simplexalarms | 7

#1014604 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 5:34

it isnt spelt wrong

BeeHappy_fml | 0

#1320934 - Monday 30 August 2010 8:38

that's the British English spelling, you dolt.

jjessen | 20

#5522258 - Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:30

I lost quite a few IQ points reading this comment chain

By Melly_fml | 0

#560 - Saturday 7 February 2009 22:25

well if you don't say anything, why would he assume you didn't want it? Communication is key...

By cndrow | 0

#927 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:45

By Eir_fml | 1

#3173 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 2:29

thanks cndrow, some women expect men to know too much. :) Opposite genders don't really understand each other enough for that kind of thing, more often than not. Unfortunate, but true.

By 0___0 | 9

#9190 - Saturday 28 February 2009 10:25

Why is she watching T.V. when she has a loving husband for entertainment? ;)

By justjayit | 0

#20088 - Saturday 7 March 2009 21:32

Awww that's sucks! I personally think you were doing something really loving and I would've appreciated it, but I guess different woman are different about such things.