Love: Today, I began to undress my wife, who was watching TV, and gave...

By Velian - France

Today, I began to undress my wife, who was watching TV, and gave her a massage to relax her while she watched her soap. 20 minutes later, when the programme came to an end, she said "I wish you'd let me watch TV in peace!". FML

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Love

Triage

Thanks, I'm cured!

Music nerds of the world unite!

By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I had to use antiperspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sandston

Today, my boyfriend said that he doesn't have to marry me because we coincidentally have the same last name. FML

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By MoRuined - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found my first grey hair. How? My boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to point it out. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - K?ge

Today, I came home from a business trip and was greeted by a foul smell. I soon found out my husband accidentally let the milk go bad by leaving it out all day, then tried to solve the problem by "balancing the temperatures" by putting it in the freezer. Oh honey, no. Just no. FML

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By waiterrrrrrrrr - United States

Today, I was working my shift at a fancy restaurant and it had been a really hard day. My parents came in to have dinner and surprise me. After paying, they left a note saying they would see me at home. It also said "By the way, no tip, because you stink at serving." FML

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By SisterOfTard - United States - Florence

Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML

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By darknight

Today, I found out that pretending to be a bum begging for money can get you stuck in a jail cell for a few hours. FML

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519

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By jmrz - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I went to the store for a warranty claim on my prescription glasses due to little spots that had appeared on the lenses, covering both. It took 2 seconds for the employee to determine that it was hairspray. FML

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By andy - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter was looking at a magazine cover with a well endowed model showing off her clevage. She looked at me and said, "Mommy, when I grow up will I have big round boobies like her or tiny pointy ones like you?" FML

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By PrincessPromotion - United States - Havertown

Today, I went back to work after a vacation, only to find out I'll soon be forced to dress up as one of the princesses from Frozen to promote our store. FML

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By Nicholasand - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up in a closet of a four star hotel, having spent the night drinking. I am a secondary school teacher and I have been visiting this place on a school trip. My flight left at 4am this morning and it's now 1pm in the afternoon. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at a waterpark with my friends, waiting in line for about 45 minutes to go on the biggest ride there. When it was finally our turn, the lifeguard at the top pulled me over and measured me to see if I was tall enough. I wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. Extremely upset, I called my parents, because it was their car and I didn't know what to do. I told them what happened, and asked if they were on their way to where I was. My dad's response was "Hell no, we're eating dinner." FML

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By blink_kid - United Kingdom - Bathgate

Today, my boyfriend, who lives 100 miles away and whom I haven't seen in 2 months, told me he was visiting my city with some friends. I assumed this was an opening to an invitation, but no, he just asked me about the best places to get drunk. FML

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By unsatisfied - Australia

Today, I was lying in bed listening to my neighbors have loud, and what sounded like, enjoyable sex. My boyfriend rolled over and said, "she sounds like fun" before rolling back over and going to sleep. It's been four months. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, is the start of the third month that I prayed I would be fired, just so I didn't have to quit because I hate awkward conversations. FML

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By CessnaPilot - United States

Today, I fell off a ladder while building a shelter for one of my wife's horses. I think I broke some ribs. I absolutely hate horses. FML

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By hurts.to.pee - United States

Today, I explained to my dad that I think I have a vaginal infection. I asked if he could take me to the doctor. He responded by saying, "Just shove some ice up there. It'll go away." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jefferson

Today, I found out what it's like to drive seven hours home with a woman who just brutally rejected your marriage proposal. FML

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47188

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By Anonymous - United States - San Marcos

Today, my mom wished me "Happy Conception Day." FML

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30443

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while on my break at work, my workmates convinced me to perform my "Indian accent" piece. Everyone laughed while I was doing it. Everyone, that is, but my Indian boss. FML

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By DisgustinglyFrustrated - Argentina - Rosario

Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML

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By PrincessOhNo - United States - Bronx

Today, I dyed my hair back to pastel pink, which it hasn't been in over a year. It goes well with my skin and I was super excited about it so I decided to Snapchat my friend about it. Her response? "You were thinner last time your hair looked like that." FML

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By wish his dad had worn one - United States - Clinton

Today, I was playing some soccer with my buddies, when a kid came over, yelled "CUP CHECK!" and nailed me in the nuts then ran away laughing. Millions of my unborn children died in agony. All his fatass mom did was chuckle nervously and pat her satan-spawn on the head. FML

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By unlucky - United States

Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I saw an old man on his porch. Being friendly, I waved at him as I ran by. Apparently his idea of greeting someone is pelting them with stones. FML

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By Ifuckdup

Today, I asked my classmate if she was ready for the final tomorrow and she said it was yesterday. I'm not a bad student - I have 90+ average in the class - but the final was 50% of my grade. FML

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4447

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By InDebt - United States - Morgantown

Today, Southwest officially called off the search for my lost baggage and asked me to file a claim for reimbursement. My bag had $2000 worth of dental instruments, which I won't get any compensation for since the airline doesn't take any liability for valuable items. FML

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22373

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By grounded - United States

Today, I went to dinner to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I received a text message, so I pulled out my phone to check. Apparently, his parents have a "No phone at the table rule" and took my phone away until I can learn "proper table manners." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Monroe

A+ for Effort

Today, being Valentine's Day, I went all out for my wife with flowers, a candlelit dinner, and tickets to a broadway show. The flowers arrived dead, the dinner sucked, and my wife hated the show. Afterwards, I tried to be intimate, but apparently I smelled like a shart trapped in a pant leg. FML

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By HappilyNeverAfter - Canada - Port Perry

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé ended our engagement, saying he wanted to have "one last quickie" for the road. He saw nothing wrong with that. FML

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By birdguts - United Kingdom

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

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31894

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

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By isuckatparking. seriously.

Today, I was in a hurry to get to my exams. I’m a new driver so my parking was a little crooked but I didn’t have time to fix it. I was expecting to come back to a note on my car. I wasn’t expecting three of my tires to be slashed and the words “I Suck At Parking” to be keyed into my car. FML

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By masterman - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

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35004

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by taking his new car to the automatic car wash. As soon as the water started, I realized that I forgot to close the sunroof. FML

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16426

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By promoted - Australia

Today, my boss quit his job and stopped coming in without warning. Guess who just inherited his tasks and responsibilities without the training or pay associated with his manager role. I was hired last year as a junior system admin. FML

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27572

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is a Mormon, when his mother greeted me saying how happy she was her son had found himself a Mormon girlfriend. I know nothing about Mormonism, except from what I've seen on South Park, and I'm an atheist. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Godalming

TMI

Today, I sent a photo of my flat to my mother to show her how tidy I’d made it. What I didn’t realise was that my lube and sex toys were also included in the photo of the bedroom. FML

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Top comments

By cndrow | 0

#927 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:45

I am a woman, and I agree- women need to communicate (just as much as men). If she didn't want the massage (who in their right mind wouldn't want a massage from their man is beyond my comprehension but whatever..) she should've said 'thanks honey but I'd like to watch this before you do that' or something to that effect. Geez. Ungrateful b*tch.

By 0___0 | 9

#9190 - Saturday 28 February 2009 10:25

Why is she watching T.V. when she has a loving husband for entertainment? ;)

COMMENTS

By Vic_Sage | 0

#465 - Saturday 7 February 2009 7:03

time for a divorce.

Caayouteepie | 0

#539508 - Friday 4 September 2009 22:16

why the hell is it time for a divorce?? sure it was stupid and bitchy of her to do that but i dont think he should take it to that extreme.

Demotivator | 2

#3254398 - Thursday 8 September 2011 0:32

C'mon op how is she supposed to dream about having sex with them when you keep touching her.

By huanita | 0

#516 - Saturday 7 February 2009 17:48

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

bballer55 | 0

#1002911 - Sunday 23 May 2010 3:55

this person fails how do u spell program wrong??

simplexalarms | 7

#1014604 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 5:34

it isnt spelt wrong

BeeHappy_fml | 0

#1320934 - Monday 30 August 2010 8:38

that's the British English spelling, you dolt.

jjessen | 20

#5522258 - Wednesday 5 June 2013 19:30

I lost quite a few IQ points reading this comment chain

By Melly_fml | 0

#560 - Saturday 7 February 2009 22:25

well if you don't say anything, why would he assume you didn't want it? Communication is key...

By cndrow | 0

#927 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:45

By Eir_fml | 1

#3173 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 2:29

thanks cndrow, some women expect men to know too much. :) Opposite genders don't really understand each other enough for that kind of thing, more often than not. Unfortunate, but true.

By 0___0 | 9

#9190 - Saturday 28 February 2009 10:25

Why is she watching T.V. when she has a loving husband for entertainment? ;)

By justjayit | 0

#20088 - Saturday 7 March 2009 21:32

Awww that's sucks! I personally think you were doing something really loving and I would've appreciated it, but I guess different woman are different about such things.