Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts....

By giantcuntflaps - 13/12/2014 16:03 - Australia

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

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Intimacy

DINOSAURS!!

Live dumping

Higher standards

By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, I asked for permission to marry the girl I love. Her father not only said no, he said "HELL no!" FML

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By hitintheeye - 26/11/2011 15:09 - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2020 17:01

Wow, thanks, I'm cured!

Today, my dad told me that I'm a weak and negative person because I suffer from depression and anxiety, then he told me to just snap out of it. FML

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By Alice - 22/7/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, my manager came in and said "Hey Alice, great job closing so well last night. NOT." and walked off. When I heard the door shut, I said "And great job being a bitch, you cow." I heard my manager walking back towards me. She wasn't the one who left the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 22:02

Power move

Today, I was walking my girlfriend to class when my friend came by and playfully punched me in the arm. Trying not to look like a wimp, I turned around to hit him in the arm. Instead, I ended up punching a girl in the face. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me and I'm suspended. FML

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By voicelesspeasant - 3/11/2016 20:41

Today, weeks after I paid extra for faster shipping, I received confirmation that my paperwork for overseas voting has been received. Too bad the deadline in my state was yesterday. Thanks, Postal Service, for the consistency of your failures. FML

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By JSeth - 4/7/2009 16:52 - Canada

Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in grade 10. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML

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By thankyouforcalling - 1/6/2015 22:46 - United States - Bremerton

Today, the phone lines at work have been cutting out in the middle of calls. I'm a receptionist at an animal hospital. I now have less than two minutes to figure out what's wrong with a client's pet and how best to schedule them before I become "That rude bitch who hung up on me." FML

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By - 29/1/2019 14:00 - Germany - Bad Frankenhausen

Today, I asked my Mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2016 19:28 - United States - Carlisle

Today, I performed a piano piece at a school play. Everything went well until I got up and accidentally smashed my shin against one of the piano legs. Before I could bite my tongue, I'd already yelled "Fucking hell!" in front of about 50 second graders. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2013 18:03 - United States

Today, my school's theatre decided to produce Les Misérables. I got the part of Éponine. My boyfriend, being a talented performer, could have gotten any part he wanted. However, he only wanted to play the soldier responsible for killing Éponine. FML

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By John - 20/7/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

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By baybuh - 30/12/2010 17:26 - United States

Today, I realized that the cute freckle I noticed a few weeks ago is actually a giant blackhead. FML

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By damnedbydurberg - 22/11/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML

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By Alin - 13/9/2018 14:30

Today, I slept alone again in bed. After travelling 15000 km across the world to be with my long-distance husband, he has refused to kiss or hug me in the week I've been here. I never thought I would be in a sexless marriage. FML

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By Steph - 21/6/2009 12:05 - Bulgaria

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2015 14:06 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

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By Cat vs. Dog - 28/4/2014 21:03 - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

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By YouAssholes - 9/12/2013 23:25 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my band members and I were brainstorming ideas to help increase our fan base. My drummer suggested they replace me for someone attractive. Everyone agreed and now they are trying to kick me out of the band I started. FML

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By not crazy enough - 17/11/2014 18:48 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take a holiday greeting picture of my cat and myself for her. She says she'll be back and expects one. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I was woken up early in the morning by the sound of my mother frantically crying out for help. Apparently she had tried, unsuccessfully, to "end the suffering" of an injured squirrel by drowning it in the toilet. How? By placing it into the bowl and smothering it with clothes. My clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2020 14:00

Littered

Today, I'm on crutches and wearing an orthopedic boot because a 22.5 pound box of cat litter fell out of my back hatch onto my foot. FML

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By SCREWED - 15/7/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML

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By Sailorjoe - 25/8/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, I had to take out the trash at work and I kept trying to throw it in the dumpster. After five tries I finally made it in. I was feeling pretty good since the bag was heavy. That was until I turned around and saw about 30 of my coworkers applauding and laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2019 20:00

On yer bike

Today, I replaced the fog lights on my car and completely filled my gas tank. $50+ later, the transmission decided it wanted to go out. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I parked my truck next to a rather large SUV at school, went to class for 8 hours straight, came back and found my passenger side door crumpled from where they had backed out and hit it. They left a note on my window that said, "Sorry about your truck, but I don't have insurance." FML

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By Chlo - 11/8/2019 22:00

Today, I went on a first date. We had the same phone, and we'd put them down next to each other on the table. I get a message and we both look. It’s my period tracker telling me to be careful, because the flood gates are opening. FML

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By Xero_316 - 5/11/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was doing my paper route. I throw the papers onto people's driveways while sitting on the back of my dad's truck. To be funny my dad decided to suddenly speed up, causing me to fall off the back of the truck, face first onto the road. He didn't realize I fell off and kept driving. FML

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By Blanerd - 15/10/2009 12:33 - United States

Today, I was in a work meeting because our clientele is unhappy with our service. I was in there because I don't correct our customers when they get my name wrong. My name is Blane, but "Blair", "Blake", "Lane", and "Glenn" got rave reviews. No one picked up on this. I hate my job. FML

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By Dartfrogger - 12/2/2015 19:16 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I announced to my friends that my grandmother is dying. My best friend pulled out his phone and casually announced, "Technically, everyone is dying." FML

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By LemonLearn - 6/10/2016 20:59 - United States - New York

Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML

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By Lizzielollipop816 - 18/2/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

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By youmothERFUCKErs - 13/8/2012 17:50 - United States

Today, yet again, I had to dye my hair brown in advance of the new school year, because my school doesn't allow "unapproved" colors, even if they're natural. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2017 22:00

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

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By SadGuy - 26/4/2011 06:18 - United Kingdom

Today, the ex-girlfriend I'm still in love with sent me an old picture with the caption, "I miss us." She looked beautiful and happy. Too bad I'm not the guy she's kissing in the picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I was informed after submitting my request to have Christmas off about 2 weeks prior to Thanksgiving that I was denied. About 15 minutes later, I overheard the person that denied my request talking with another agent, who put their request in today, that they were granted the holiday off. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 04:36 - United States

Today, my friend was saying how her "nano" died. I quickly responded by saying, "So? Recharge it." Turns out she didn't say "nano"; she'd said "nana." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that my husband’s crazy ex girlfriend has not only moved to our area, but has also landed herself on his patient list. He’s a gynecologist. FML

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By college kid - 31/7/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML

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Top comments

By brookiesawr | 11

#6143659 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:13

why would you break up with someone just cause you watch porn? that's fuckin stupid.

By jackwilliams | 9

#6143678 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:24

Sum porn: "oh baby add, add, add oh god you took the sum of those numbers so good noone does it like you"

COMMENTS

By connorgrant98 | 24

#6143647 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:09

At least your boyfriend admitted it, but still definently break up with him.

Andoria | 16

#6143655 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:12

I wouldn't go that far, at least talk to the guy first before making that kind of decision. Hell, he might have been joking.

brookiesawr | 11

#6143659 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:13

why would you break up with someone just cause you watch porn? that's fuckin stupid.

JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6143665 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:16

Way to jump straight to the gun.. Lol that's a little harsh

connorgrant98 | 24

#6143667 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:16

Yea you guys are right. I should really think about my comments before I post them lol.

quickit | 24

#6143748 - Sunday 14 December 2014 1:50

Please tell me this is your terrible attempt at sarcasm.

connorgrant98 | 24

#6143756 - Sunday 14 December 2014 2:13

Yea pretty much

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6143865 - Sunday 14 December 2014 5:26

Ok Steve Urkel...

eyebrowzzz | 21

#6144069 - Sunday 14 December 2014 11:53

lol what's funny is he apologized and everyone still voted him down

Fall3nAngel | 22

#6144537 - Sunday 14 December 2014 23:08

Tough crowd.

MrFluff | 9

#6144754 - Monday 15 December 2014 4:08

You suck! Ya jackass!

adam97_fml | 25

#6149474 - Saturday 20 December 2014 21:22

I'm not sure that's how that saying goes #6

By derpMajor | 2

#6143648 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:09

Guess he was multi tasking

By BillMurray_fml | 12

#6143653 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:11

OP your username is hilarious and fits with the mental image of Australians that the Internet has given me.

rabid_otaku | 29

#6143864 - Sunday 14 December 2014 5:23

What OP refers to as "cunt flaps" are actually called labia.

lurker_no_more | 13

#6144041 - Sunday 14 December 2014 10:36

http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140820213305/sailormoon/images/e/e0/You_don't_say-.jpg

By garrett_8614 | 14

#6143673 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:20

You need to work on your dirty texting game.

mudkipsan | 19

#6143721 - Sunday 14 December 2014 1:12

Doesn't get any dirtier than Urkel

By rbubbles | 20

#6143677 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:23

Why do people jump straight to "break up with him"? There's no need. How do we know she doesn't do it either while he's not around?

Durantye | 8

#6143934 - Sunday 14 December 2014 8:20

Anyone that breaks up with someone over porn is fucked up. Unless that porn itself is 'special' in certain ways.

connorgrant98 | 24

#6144298 - Sunday 14 December 2014 18:15

I wasn't thinking at all when I posted that comment

By jackwilliams | 9

#6143678 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:24

Sum porn: "oh baby add, add, add oh god you took the sum of those numbers so good noone does it like you"

By cricketsins | 36

#6143686 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:33

I was trying to turn my boyfriend on**

By MrSassypants | 32

#6143690 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:36

Sum porn?

"Oh yeah. Add that 2 to that 3. Oh she's a dirty 5 isn't she? Aww fuck yeah."

By Plastic_Stitchez | 25

#6143693 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:39

:/ shitty

By ifoundwaldo123 | 12

#6143704 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:46

Well doesn't he sound like a dream