Intimacy: Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts....

By giantcuntflaps - Australia

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

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Intimacy

Serious times

A new enemy

Let it all out

By messy jessy - 7/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Who's there?

Today, I was on FaceTime with my sister. She remarked that my living room was a mess, and that she didn’t know how I kept a man with a place like that. I retorted, “He’s not with me for how well I can clean, when I can polish his knob like a marble floor!” I had no idea my dad was off camera. FML

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By Raiders4ever - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By surprise - United States

Today, I was getting ready to go to a surprise party I'd planned for my best friend. All was going well on the discretion part until I logged onto Facebook. I saw that my sister had set her status to, "At Natalie's surprise party! BBL!" Natalie had liked it. FML

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By Miroslav208 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why it would be highly offensive and inappropriate for him to go as Caylee Anthony for Halloween. I think he's still planning on doing it. FML

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27055

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By MrsKSB - United States

Today, my boss was watching taser pranks online, when he said he was going to "get me". We often take turns playing pranks on each other, and I was the last to prank him. Now I'm terrified to move or turn my back on anything other than a wall at work. FML

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23263

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By Anonymous - United States - Conway

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

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By FML

Et tu, Brute?

Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML

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By yournick - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

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By OldHabitsDieHard - United States - Erie

Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML

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42657

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By byepolar_bare - United States

Today, I woke up late for work, and got sick at work twice; when I got home I discovered I'd paid my cable bill late when I got cut off. When my girlfriend came over, the first thing she said was "Do you know about the graffiti on your car?" FML

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By Lostring

Today, I was fiddling with a ring my aunt hand made me, accidentally slipping it off, and dropped it in the toilet. Like an idiot, I scrambled to get it out only for my bending over to activate the automatic flush. FML

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3056

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By wow. - United States - Chicago

Today, I let my sister use my phone to play music in the shower, expecting her to use the speakers I have. She used a ziplock bag with a hole in it to connect her headphones. Now I have a waterlogged phone and my sister still doesn't understand why it didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47533

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By tdtf - Germany - Neuburg

Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

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15710

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By rholt - United States - Baldwin City

Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Haggis300 - Australia

Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

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31182

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By imahater07

Today, my family decided to break tradition and wake up at midnight to open presents. I didn't find out until I went downstairs to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, and found wrapping paper and empty boxes everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24143

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By RayniDae - United States - Port Clinton

Today, we ran out of our disposal gloves at work. After saying how grossed out I was about having to touch raw chicken with my bare hands, my female boss goes, "Just imagine you're touching yourself. That's what I do." Even more grossed out now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15224

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By John_Elvis - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

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22245

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my little brother grabbed my boobs and wouldn't let go until I pried his hands off. When I told my mom, her response was, "Get over it. He's a little kid who doesn't know any better." He's 14 years old. FML

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58896

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML

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By heart broken - United States

Today, my husband told me yet again that the last two years have been the worst of his life. Our two year anniversary is next week. FML

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By anon - United States - Northbrook

Today, my step-sister told me that she was getting married to her girlfriend next summer. At a big family brunch, I made a toast to their marriage. I didn't know that my step-mom didn't know they were dating in the first place, or that she was severely homophobic. FML

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By piliseep

Today, I had to sit outside with nothing but a large bottle of wine to keep me company and no way to block out the sounds of my cousins loudly having sex with my two roommates upstairs. FML

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3996

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By ewwww - United States

Today, my family was talking about how people's hair goes gray when they get old. My grandma mentioned that she was initially attracted to my grandpa because of his red hair and was sad when it turned gray. "It's ok," she continued, "his pubic hair is still red." FML

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By Kole

Today, I got the most painful neck cramp of my life after whipping my head back in laughter at something that wasn't even funny. FML

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5504

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By SuperJesus - United Kingdom

Today, I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because we don't have sex anymore. FML

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69264

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By How could the fuck I know? - 12/4/2021 17:00

Sorry, friend

Today, I was given my Covid-19 test results after a friend and I went to take one. I had been sneezing and having fevers lately, and out of solidarity, my friend also took the test to give me the courage to do so. I tested negative, but my friend didn't. FML

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664

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By laydeegaga

Today, my mom cleaned my room, while doing so she found a very detailed sex book I got from an ex boyfriend as a "gift". For years I had her convinced I was still a virgin, until today. FML

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8369

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By Anonymous

Words, don't come easy

Today, mid-sex, my wife told me to call her a nasty slut. I was kind of uncomfortable doing it, but I did it to make her horny. She started crying, because she didn’t realise how much it would hurt her feelings. Now I’m not sure if she’s mad at me or herself, but I’m scared either way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2424

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By ilikemusicokay - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. Since I knew it would take a while, I brought my iPod in for entertainment. To bad it disabled me from hearing the continuous knocks on the door as well as the manager eventually picking the lock and busting in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12564

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By minecraftwilldie - United States

Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML

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41079

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By Anonymous

Today, after I caught my husband cheating and lying, he had the nerve to claim it wasn't a big deal because, "I always come home to you!" FML

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5398

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend was sick for the fourth day in a row. I stopped by her house to check on her and bring some necessities, only to find her ex's truck in the driveway, and the sounds of some very intense love making coming from inside. I guess she's not that sick after all. FML

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9775

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By Eringobrag88 - United States

Today, I woke up to my two year old crawling in bed with me and saying, "I poop". Normally this would be ok, but this morning she decided she didn't need a diaper. FML

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33183

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By Anonymous - Australia

Dumbo's jumbo dungo

Today, I learned not to get a job as an elephant keeper at the zoo when the water at home is out for a week for renovations. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1310

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparta

Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML

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50506

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36044

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By whyeventry? - United States - Neenah

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By nekal - United States - Nashville

Today, I tried to sneakily leave my boyfriend's house at 3 a.m. without his parents knowing. I had a flat tire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11865

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By jay ze punk - France - Metz-tessy

Today, I took my new girlfriend to meet my grandmother. We were drinking coffee when my gran leaned to one side and let out a huge fart. Proud of herself, she added, "That one didn't pay his rent on time!" Coffee came out of my girlfriend's nose. FML

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Top comments

By brookiesawr | 11

#6143659 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:13

why would you break up with someone just cause you watch porn? that's fuckin stupid.

By jackwilliams | 9

#6143678 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:24

Sum porn: "oh baby add, add, add oh god you took the sum of those numbers so good noone does it like you"

COMMENTS

By connorgrant98 | 24

#6143647 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:09

At least your boyfriend admitted it, but still definently break up with him.

Andoria | 16

#6143655 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:12

I wouldn't go that far, at least talk to the guy first before making that kind of decision. Hell, he might have been joking.

brookiesawr | 11

#6143659 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:13

why would you break up with someone just cause you watch porn? that's fuckin stupid.

JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6143665 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:16

Way to jump straight to the gun.. Lol that's a little harsh

connorgrant98 | 24

#6143667 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:16

Yea you guys are right. I should really think about my comments before I post them lol.

quickit | 24

#6143748 - Sunday 14 December 2014 1:50

Please tell me this is your terrible attempt at sarcasm.

connorgrant98 | 24

#6143756 - Sunday 14 December 2014 2:13

Yea pretty much

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6143865 - Sunday 14 December 2014 5:26

Ok Steve Urkel...

eyebrowzzz | 21

#6144069 - Sunday 14 December 2014 11:53

lol what's funny is he apologized and everyone still voted him down

Fall3nAngel | 22

#6144537 - Sunday 14 December 2014 23:08

Tough crowd.

MrFluff | 9

#6144754 - Monday 15 December 2014 4:08

You suck! Ya jackass!

adam97_fml | 25

#6149474 - Saturday 20 December 2014 21:22

I'm not sure that's how that saying goes #6

By derpMajor | 2

#6143648 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:09

Guess he was multi tasking

By BillMurray_fml | 12

#6143653 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:11

OP your username is hilarious and fits with the mental image of Australians that the Internet has given me.

rabid_otaku | 29

#6143864 - Sunday 14 December 2014 5:23

What OP refers to as "cunt flaps" are actually called labia.

lurker_no_more | 13

#6144041 - Sunday 14 December 2014 10:36

http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140820213305/sailormoon/images/e/e0/You_don't_say-.jpg

By garrett_8614 | 14

#6143673 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:20

You need to work on your dirty texting game.

mudkipsan | 19

#6143721 - Sunday 14 December 2014 1:12

Doesn't get any dirtier than Urkel

By rbubbles | 20

#6143677 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:23

Why do people jump straight to "break up with him"? There's no need. How do we know she doesn't do it either while he's not around?

Durantye | 8

#6143934 - Sunday 14 December 2014 8:20

Anyone that breaks up with someone over porn is fucked up. Unless that porn itself is 'special' in certain ways.

connorgrant98 | 24

#6144298 - Sunday 14 December 2014 18:15

I wasn't thinking at all when I posted that comment

By jackwilliams | 9

#6143678 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:24

Sum porn: "oh baby add, add, add oh god you took the sum of those numbers so good noone does it like you"

By cricketsins | 36

#6143686 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:33

I was trying to turn my boyfriend on**

By MrSassypants | 32

#6143690 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:36

Sum porn?

"Oh yeah. Add that 2 to that 3. Oh she's a dirty 5 isn't she? Aww fuck yeah."

By Plastic_Stitchez | 25

#6143693 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:39

:/ shitty

By ifoundwaldo123 | 12

#6143704 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:46

Well doesn't he sound like a dream