Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts....

By giantcuntflaps - Australia

Today, I was trying to turn my boyfriend on with dirty texts. When he said "I'm horny," I teasingly replied, "Whoops, did I do that?" His reply? "Huh? Naw i'm watching sum porn". FML

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36339

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Intimacy

Understandable

Expanding universe

In-laws, in-fighting

By Bambi113 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML

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12844

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By TextsAlot - Canada

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

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32875

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By kittyslayer - United States

Today, my landlord came and beat on my door demanding the rent check. I just got home from a trip and my wife was supposed to pay it while I was away. What happened to the money? Black Friday. FML

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32878

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By charitableidiot - United States - Portland

Today, I went to a fancy charity dinner. I'm a schmoozer, so I decided to introduce myself to someone important. I asked enthusiastically, "So, how are you involved with all of this madness?" He frowned at me. I then remembered that this particular charity assists people with mental issues. FML

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23489

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By midwify - Denmark - Asaa

Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35183

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I used a public restroom with very shiny floors. So shiny, in fact, that I could see a clear reflection of the person in the next stall. I'm pretty sure they could see me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32648

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By IGOTIT - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card". FML

I agree, your life sucks

47351

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By - 8/3/2020 20:17

Right in the kisser

Today, I was in sociology class and I raised my hand to ask a question, not realizing that the professor was right behind me. I smacked him right in the face, no doubt reducing my chances of a good grade. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1320

You deserved it

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By Ilostsomuch - United States

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47380

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By DCarreon - United States - Ceres

Today, my seemingly normal girlfriend decided to erase every girl's name out of my phone. Family and all. FML

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28222

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 02:00

Deception

Today, I found out my roommate has been cheating me out of hundreds of dollars when I finally obtained records of the past year's electric bills, which are in her name. FML

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1669

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after finally sleeping with a girl for the first time in I don't know how long, at some point during sex she managed to completely crush my balls. I acted cool until she left, then I had to wake my parents up at 3 a.m. to take me to the hospital where I was diagnosed testicular bruising. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46620

You deserved it

8148

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By troublewithbleach - United States

Today, I was cleaning my bathroom, and accidentally spilled bleach, ruining my shower curtain, rugs, and towels. While attempting to wipe up the bleach, I knocked over a bottle of shower cleaner. It read, "WARNING: DO NOT MIX WITH BLEACH." I still can't go in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35353

You deserved it

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By a_dani365 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was working customer service at a large grocery store. I recently got a small, tasteful septum piercing that is barely visible. As I greeted a customer, she began to gag, held out her hand as though she was fending me off, and said, "I can't. Your nose ring makes me sick." FML

I agree, your life sucks

23417

You deserved it

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By buzzzzkill - United States

Today, I got home from work, and saw a note on the counter my roomate left saying "Sorry about the basement." I then went into the basement, and found that it was flooded. My TV, Xbox360, mini-fridge, and couch were all destroyed. Good thing he tried to stop the leak with scotch tape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48755

You deserved it

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By Applelover012 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me he was leaving me because we haven't slept together in a few weeks. I just gave birth to our first child and am still recovering from my c-section. FML

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92206

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By fucked5waystofriday - United States - Angola

Today, my boss told me to resign within the month, or he'll fire me and give me a bad reference. I talked to him about it again later on, this time with my phone recording everything, so I could take the proof to HR. I guess he knew, because he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21561

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1870

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By oliverP123 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom and her friends comparing the differences in their nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41351

You deserved it

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By cc - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how I'm self conscious about my weight. He looks at me and says, "Don't worry babe, I've always been kind of a chubby chaser." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28381

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By epipen life - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend’s mom fed me a new dish containing peanuts, knowing full well I’m severely allergic. According to her, her ancestors “cured” allergies by exposing the person to the allergen. I went into anaphylactic shock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3314

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208

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By EpicFail - United States

Today, a woman at the crowded mall stopped me and told me loudly that if I bought her product it would get rid of my acne. FML

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24772

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By is cum a fruit or a vegetable? - United States - Germantown

Today, my grandpa saw one of the paintings in the guest room at my house. "What the fuck?" he snorted, then said whoever painted it should "stick to their damn day job". I painted it. FML

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25685

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By Anonymous

Today, the manager that made my life a living hell for 3 years, who was demoted 6 weeks ago and transferred to another store, was transferred back to us as a salesperson. Now we work side by side 42 hours a week on the same exact schedule. FML

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3190

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By nevergettingajob - Canada

Today, after handing in my resume to get a part-time job, I tried leaving, but the door wouldn't open. It was the "in" door. The person I gave my resume to had to slowly explain this to me. FML

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10026

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By kukadaman - United States

Today, I came home to hear my girlfriend break up with me, over the answering machine, with my entire family in the room. FML

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34483

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By hornyloser - United States

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

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17834

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia - Padstow

Today, my friend asked if she could come over to my place. Since it's my birthday tomorrow, I said sure. Turns out she just wants to copy all my notes for our upcoming exam. FML

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By Apissedoffguy - United States - Brockton

Today, in a parking lot, a girl came up to our car and started to knock on the window and scream, "I KNEW IT!" My girlfriend doesn't believe that I don't know her. FML

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32967

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my Kung Fu-trained father found out that my boyfriend, a Krav Maga student, got me pregnant. Since I'm only 17, my dad got extremely mad. Several broken bones and a few ambulances later, it looks like a Steven Seagal movie happened in my house. FML

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1588

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By greatstartto2010 - United Kingdom

Today, I got home to find my entire video game collection and all my consoles had been stolen. Two weeks ago I brought them back from my University accommodation, specifically to stop them from being stolen while I was at home for the Christmas holiday. FML

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27492

You deserved it

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By girl - United States

Today, in dance class we did a choreography where we wear two shirts and take one off in one quick motion. After I took mine off, the audience goes "aaah". Then I realize that I had taken both my shirts off as stood there with only my bra on. I was being videotaped. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33196

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my bladder decided to empty itself while I was on a rollercoaster. FML

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37189

You deserved it

10670

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By Martin - 8/9/2020 23:01 - Switzerland

Extreme late fees

Today, I had an appointment to pull some wisdom teeth. I wrote the wrong time in my calendar. Showed up an hour late and they didn't pull the one tooth that actually hurts. Now I've got the pay for the time I was late, plus wait until November to pull the rest. I waited 5 months for this appointment due to the coronavirus. FML

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696

You deserved it

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By Jif_Creamy - United States - Washington

Today, at my college, someone snatched my laptop out of my hands, so I chased him. Turns out I'm so overweight and slow that he moonwalked away facing me, while I sprinted my heart out. FML

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21761

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By jakeson12 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, my "friend" thought it'd be absolutely hilarious to use my phone to text my girlfriend, bragging that I'd found a new "slampiece" and that she's "fukcin dumpd". Now I'm single, her dad keeps making threatening calls to me, and nobody will even listen to my side of the story. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31805

You deserved it

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By wtfmama - United States - Hudson

Today, I walked into the living room to find my 11-year-old daughter about to kiss her "not my boyfriend" on the lips. When I asked what she thought she was doing, she peeled a piece of scotch tape off her lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML

I agree, your life sucks

74041

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By Anonymous - Estonia - Tallinn

Same

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

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38813

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By Anonymous

Today, one of my friends came over to go swimming in my pool. Before going back into the house, as it's all carpeted, I automatically took off my trunks, forgetting about my friend. I realized my mistake when my friend commented on my abnormally long foreskin. FML

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1075

You deserved it

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By daughterofanazi - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML

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38631

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was helping my friend pack her carry on for her vacation. I drove her to the airport, and after her plane took off, I noticed I put my cell phone in her purse. Her vacation is 2 months long. FML

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Top comments

By brookiesawr | 11

#6143659 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:13

why would you break up with someone just cause you watch porn? that's fuckin stupid.

By jackwilliams | 9

#6143678 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:24

Sum porn: "oh baby add, add, add oh god you took the sum of those numbers so good noone does it like you"

COMMENTS

By connorgrant98 | 24

#6143647 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:09

At least your boyfriend admitted it, but still definently break up with him.

Andoria | 16

#6143655 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:12

I wouldn't go that far, at least talk to the guy first before making that kind of decision. Hell, he might have been joking.

brookiesawr | 11

#6143659 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:13

why would you break up with someone just cause you watch porn? that's fuckin stupid.

JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6143665 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:16

Way to jump straight to the gun.. Lol that's a little harsh

connorgrant98 | 24

#6143667 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:16

Yea you guys are right. I should really think about my comments before I post them lol.

quickit | 24

#6143748 - Sunday 14 December 2014 1:50

Please tell me this is your terrible attempt at sarcasm.

connorgrant98 | 24

#6143756 - Sunday 14 December 2014 2:13

Yea pretty much

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6143865 - Sunday 14 December 2014 5:26

Ok Steve Urkel...

eyebrowzzz | 21

#6144069 - Sunday 14 December 2014 11:53

lol what's funny is he apologized and everyone still voted him down

Fall3nAngel | 22

#6144537 - Sunday 14 December 2014 23:08

Tough crowd.

MrFluff | 9

#6144754 - Monday 15 December 2014 4:08

You suck! Ya jackass!

adam97_fml | 25

#6149474 - Saturday 20 December 2014 21:22

I'm not sure that's how that saying goes #6

By derpMajor | 2

#6143648 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:09

Guess he was multi tasking

By BillMurray_fml | 12

#6143653 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:11

OP your username is hilarious and fits with the mental image of Australians that the Internet has given me.

rabid_otaku | 29

#6143864 - Sunday 14 December 2014 5:23

What OP refers to as "cunt flaps" are actually called labia.

lurker_no_more | 13

#6144041 - Sunday 14 December 2014 10:36

http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140820213305/sailormoon/images/e/e0/You_don't_say-.jpg

By garrett_8614 | 14

#6143673 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:20

You need to work on your dirty texting game.

mudkipsan | 19

#6143721 - Sunday 14 December 2014 1:12

Doesn't get any dirtier than Urkel

By rbubbles | 20

#6143677 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:23

Why do people jump straight to "break up with him"? There's no need. How do we know she doesn't do it either while he's not around?

Durantye | 8

#6143934 - Sunday 14 December 2014 8:20

Anyone that breaks up with someone over porn is fucked up. Unless that porn itself is 'special' in certain ways.

connorgrant98 | 24

#6144298 - Sunday 14 December 2014 18:15

I wasn't thinking at all when I posted that comment

By jackwilliams | 9

#6143678 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:24

Sum porn: "oh baby add, add, add oh god you took the sum of those numbers so good noone does it like you"

By cricketsins | 36

#6143686 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:33

I was trying to turn my boyfriend on**

By MrSassypants | 32

#6143690 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:36

Sum porn?

"Oh yeah. Add that 2 to that 3. Oh she's a dirty 5 isn't she? Aww fuck yeah."

By Plastic_Stitchez | 25

#6143693 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:39

:/ shitty

By ifoundwaldo123 | 12

#6143704 - Sunday 14 December 2014 0:46

Well doesn't he sound like a dream