By Anonymous - 25/02/2012 03:07 - United States
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It's been proven that passionate kissing as well as passionate sex can minimize or even get rid of headaches. OP, seems like your husband has a right to turn the tables on you if it's been months since you two has intimate relations. You should make a point to have sex at least once a week to keep the fire alive. So next time even if you're not in the mood just act like you are. Worse case scenario you won't enjoy it that much but at least he will be satisfied for the time being and you denying him won't come back and bite you in the ass like it has now.
Im not trying to bash you or anything, but having a year long marraige isn't the longest time through the thick and the thin to be giving advice about a marraiges sex life.
Well no I don't have the longest marriage to be giving advice but I've been with my husband for 3 years, and I've seen enough failing marriages to see what causes them to end. I'm completely happy in my relationship and I make sacrifices for my husband and he does the same for me. Marriage is about working for each other as well as yourself to have the best relationship you can. It doesn't matter if you've been together a year or 20 years if you don't make sacrifices for your spouse your relationship won't last.
You don't just have sex with your spouse for them. You have sex with your spouse when you BOTH want it. If one of you doesn't want it that night, then no sex no matter how long it's been. Aiming for at least once a week is good but if you're not in the mood you don't force it regardless. Otherwise it turns into just another chore that you have to check off your to do list and that defeats the whole purpose and you'll want it even less.
72 i seriously was going to say something VERY similair to that. Keeping track defetes the purpose of spontaneous, wild fun. Plus another thing i disagree with is the whole "doesnt matter if its been 1 year or 20" peoplr change, the longer its been, the more you, your spouse, your marraige, and both your needs have changed. Now, before Dr. Phil takes notes on our conversation, i think we should drop it and the voters give us a general idea of what people think of this.
I never said your marraige is wrong, like i said "im not trying to bash you" i just dont think you should be telling people about their marraiges sex life when you been in year when OTHER people have been through it for multipule decades. And i watched 1 show of Dr. Phil and he uses the most anoying terms out there that make me want to cringe when it comes to someones sex life. Sorry if i offfended you, but i didnt meen to give you the impression that i was comparing.
Yea, im on an ipod, with pretty big thumbs so sometimes ill hit the next key over, or i will flat out mispell a word. But anyway, I remember "Everybody loves Ramond" when his brother gets married and his wife tries giving Ray and his parents advice about their marraiges. Just reminded me.
Not trying to bash you, but being on an iPod is no excuse for multiple spelling errors. I'm on an iPod too and one or two mistakes is common, but I've seen you comment before and sometimes it's flat out ridiculous. There's auto-correct, proof reading, etc. Again, not trying to bash you, but don't blame your iPod for YOUR mistakes.
actually, relationships to work on sacrifices, if you're not 'in the mood' let him/her work for it, part of the fun. that's the whole point of knowing how to turn someone on! I'll be really tired one day but my boyfriend can even so much as kiss me a certain way and I'll get in the mood, even if it's a bit of a slow process! I'm not married but from what I've heard (parents, grandparents etc.) marriage doesn't change a relationship as much as it used to. these days both go out to work, both (should) make an effort to help round the house. there's two people in a relationship!! also, sexual activity is proven, as one said, to reduce and get rid of a headache so girls, that's NO excuse!
Hotpinklipstick, I agree with the majority of your thread here, but not this: "So next time even if you're not in the mood just act like you are." Really? "Just open your legs for your partner, he deserves that, even if you don't want to!" This suggestion is imo very close to rape. I've done this some times, acting like I wanted sex while I was totally not in the mood and guess what, not only did I feel horrible (used), my partner also felt my faking. Awful sex it was, I can tell you. So, suggesting to OP to do a little more effort, ok. But then she can also expect the same from her husband. There are not many people who absolutely dislike sex. If it takes months for your wife to get in the mood, then you probably are doing it wrong. Time to improve, I would say.
Djeepee what hot pink said is now way comparable to rape. She suggested to concenting to have sex with someone she loves when she was not 100% in the mood. Being in a relationship is about compromise. I'll do things I don't want to do for my girl and for friends. It's not just sex. But the OP denied their partner for months and now when they randomly get in the mood their partner has to put out. Suggesting once a week or once every other week is something they could work out in their relationship. Because at least at this point in my life I could not be in a serious relationship and only being intimate once a month or more.
I've been with my husband for over a decade and I agree perfectly with hotpinklipstick and tyger. Any relationship involves compromise. If for months you were not in the mood for sex and you never tried to get yourself in that mood, there is a problem. Hotpink didn't suggest rape. If you don't feel 100% like sex, try kissing and holding. Open yourself up to possibilities and who knows? You might get into the mood. Silentbunny, you sound young. When two adults are sharing a life, it isn't always going to be spontaneous I-just-can't-keep-my-hands-off-you sex. What marriage lacks in spontaneity is often made up for in passion. We have to arrange in advance for someone to mind the kids but since when does anticipation dampen excitement?
It's not rape, but it also can make someone feel terrible to think they're obligated to have sex. My ex never raped me, but I felt that way every time we had sex. In fact, it felt worse because he was supposed to be safe, someone I could be myself around, not someone I had to put on an act for. There's a difference between making small sacrifices and making yourself into an object to be used by your partner. Marriage isn't about sacrifice, it's about compromise; finding a solution that makes both people happy, not one. OP, if you go months without having any desire to be intimate (and there isn't any emotional reason for distance in your marriage) you may want to consult your OBGYN. Many times a simple diet change can have drastic effects on libido.
"Djeepee what hot pink said is now way comparable to rape. She suggested to concenting to have sex with someone she loves when she was not 100% in the mood. " Rape = having sex when you don't want it. Hot pink's suggestion = having sex when you don't want it, just keep pretending you do. Honestly, I don't see that much difference. It's true OP is in the fault, but I think 1) her husband also has a share in that and 2) it's wrong if she now started to ignore her feelings for her husband's pleasure. I mean, come on, "Worse case scenario you won't enjoy it that much", isn't that just the imporant part of having sex? Both enjoying it? Instead of suggesting OP to spread her legs and close her eyes, I suggest her to search for inspiration on the internet, buy naughty clothes and toys, talk to her partner, try things with her partner, you know, spice their sex life up.
123- Rape is when someone forces themselves on you without you being able to say no, what I'm suggesting is nowhere near that. I'm saying OP should make an effort even if she isn't in the mood. Sometimes I'm not in the mood but with a little effort from my husband I get in the mood and we make love, sometimes it doesn't work so well but in the end I'm happy that my husband is pleased. Other times he isn't in the mood but I am, so I make an effort to turn him on and make it pleasurable for him. Afterwards we both are pleased and it keeps passion alive. After every time my husband and I are intimate we make a point to hold each other even if it is just for 5 minutes. When we do that I feel so much closer to him. Yes I've only been married a year but my husband and I have a strong marriage because we choose to make sacrifices and work on our relationship above all else.
I have to agree with hotpink. Been with my guy for 10 years. Sometimes it just takes a little "warming up" before the juices start to flow (that works both ways). The more sex you have the more sex you'll want. And it's absolutely NOT rape to willingly have sex with your partner...
Sigh. The fail is strong in this thread. Even the legitimate advice that is thought out and given with nothing but good intentions gets spit on like they were trying to sabotage other people's relationships or something. Can't we all just get along and agree that op is a shitty wife?
"Sometimes I'm not in the mood but with a little effort from my husband I get in the mood and we make love, sometimes it doesn't work so well but in the end I'm happy that my husband is pleased." Ah, now I'm with you. But I still have to say that some people don't get happy if only their partner is pleased. Me, for example. I once got completely mentally broken because I let my partner do sexual things with me while I just pretended to like it. I felt like shit. And I don't want OP to feel like shit. We don't know the complete story, maybe OP's husband avoids foreplay/ignores her needs/is very bad at sex/... and if that's the case, he also need to but some effort in it. That's what I wanted to say, actually. God, 210, really? If you don't want sex, no matter what the reason is, and you have it because you feel mentally forced, then it is against your will. And then it's imho very close to rape.
DjeePee I normally agree with you but in this situation I don't think you are understanding what I, and the people that agree with me, are saying. If you aren't married then you shouldn't be telling me I'm wrong. I'm not saying force yourself to have sex with a partner, I'm saying make an effort to make love to the person you have chosen to spend your life with. There is a difference.
Actually I'm a rape victim and when I've had sex while not in the mood I felt utterly horrible and disgusted by myself. For me I felt almost the same as after the rape except that I blamed myself for putting myself in that situation and not my boyfriend. Of course I am influenced by what happened but I can't imagine ever having sex while not in the mood again. And there is a similarity. But I do make an effort to get in the mood when he is :)
"If you aren't married then you shouldn't be telling me I'm wrong." And here you are definitely wrong. So, because I'm not married, I can't have an opinion about sex and relationships? Eventhough I am longer in a relationship with my boyfriend than you with your husband? Roflol.
259- I am a rape victim as well so I do know what I am talking about and I'm not just talking out of my ass. DjeePee I am tired of arguing with you, you literally have no argument here. Yes you have an opinion and I appreciate you sticking to your guns but I disagree with you. So we can agree to disagree. I commented on this out of kindness to give honest advice, not to ruin someones relationship. I don't appreciate you turning my words around and making it seem like I condone rape. There is a difference from rape and willing sex with your husband. If you feel bad about yourself after willingly having sex with someone that you have been with for a long time then you should rethink your relationship with said person. That being said I'm done with this, y'all are seriously just arguing to argue and it is childish.
I disagree. I had sex with this one hit because I felt obligated. he " gave me a choice" and I chose to have sex with him when in no way did I want to. but I felt I had to to make him happy. during and after I just felt so low and shitty. it felt like rape. because He knew I was only doing it for him and that I didn't want to. they are similar...
You are really obnoxious. Like really really really obnoxious. You're saying all this weed crap to drag out this conversation. And I'm clearly not the only person that thinks his because ALL of your comments were almost at negative one hundred, I had to click on them just to see what the were, that's should be telling you something, like people are tired of reading your rude annoying comments. P.S. I'm on an iPhone so I have the exact same keypad as you an I don't believe I have a single mistake.
That does not work for everyone. Besides, people do not need excuse to not have sex. I really don't get it what the big deal is. If my partner wouldn't want sex I wouldn't push it. I wouldn't want someone to pretend they enjoy sex with me. That would be some really bad sex. And I would not see the point in it if both of us wouldn't enjoy it. Just get some toys and masturbate. That's just my opinion though. I do agree though that both should put effort towards them both getting in the mood and enjoying sex.
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No. That's passive aggressive. You NEVER have to have sex, and passive-aggressiveness is an indication of an emotional abuser. He should treat you with more respect. (Before my parents split, my dad would berate my mom for not having enough sex with him, among many other forms of emotional abuse... so that kind of behavior does piss me off) Of course, if there are other underlying issues between the two of you, that could lead to this point (doesn't have to be anyone's fault, it's just an unfortunate situation, the degeneration of what once was a healthy relationship). But with such little info, I'd have to say FYL for being with someone so spiteful!
#138, it's true that you should never feel forced to have sex ideally but if you are married and rejecting your spouse for months, you need to examine the situation and communicate the issue. I think the husband is bitter and hurt. I hardly think his behaviour is classifiable as emotional abuse. OP should apologise for not working things out sooner and seduce the man. OP, try to be more receptive in the future. Sex isn't a chore, it's an affirmation of intimacy and a great stress reliever.
138, did you* read* the FML? (warning to everyone else besides 138, this is long, don't waste your time, you've been warned xD) Yes it's passive aggressive, but it's being used constructively to illustrate a point. the husband is not using his frustration to harm anyone or cause any permanent damage. Also, the husband deserves the same choice as his wife; you can't justifiably go off on the husband for withholding sex while you said "you NEVER have to have sex" in the wife's defense. (continued)
I will agree with you that there have obviously been some sort of issue with the relationship since they have (apparently) not been intimate in a while, but how can you call the husband "spiteful" for refusing sex ONCE while the wife gets away with it for months AND gets to put it up on FML to get sympathy, casting her husband as the antagonist? Is that not just as spiteful? Anyway, worst case scenario for her, she can do the deed on her own, like i will assume her husband has been forced to for a while. You may have a bad past with some similar situations, but that does not give you the right to unfairly set a double standard to someone. *gets off soapbox*
Shut up that is so stupid what happened to your mom and op are 2 different things I hate when as soon as I dude wants to get angry at you it's abuse answer this if a guy were to go out late and not call then when they have a date the wife tries to give him a taste of his own medicine isn't that the same thing? But I bet you'd be like that's what you get . Speaking as a woman just cuz he asked for sex and she said no isn't a crime but really when you're married you can talk to each other not everything is the big A word
If OP's husband couldn't get it up for her in months, we wouldn't be bashing him when he complains his wife turned him away once! It's the same sex drive. If he wasn't getting up at all though, he might be asexual (a real sexuality) or have extremely poor heart health (and should see a doctor, not pop a Viagra).
I disagree. It's not about the sex drive; it's about the communication. If you have a medical issue preventing sex or causing lack of libido, your partner should know and be dealing with it, too. Keep intimate in other ways while working through it together. Making lame excuses to send your partner away is selfish and disrespectful. If it was a man who made excuses for his impotence and expected instant gratification when he finally got it up, the response would be the same: you made your bed now go lie in it alone.
But at the same time that's a legitimate excuse whereas the "I have a headache" thing that women use is a huge insult because it's both a lie and they're not even giving their partner the chance to put them in the mood. In order to know if he couldn't get it up they would've had to have been trying to initiate to find out he couldn't do it whereas she's not even bothered to let him try.
187 - You just made yourself not only look like an idiot, but a complete prick as well. Sure, marriages are typically categorized with sex. But it doesn't mean that the woman is "obligated" to it. You make it sound like slavery. The way I see it, the marriage is an obligation to keeping each other happy and keeping the marriage healthy. If people are happy and the marriage is healthy, it usually will lead to sex. It's just a plus. Just saying.
Ydi for not knowing sex cures alot of headaches all those months. And ur man is just getting back at you.
I don't think they were actual headaches, let's be honest, quite worrying if she has a lot in a short space of time! also, if you think of the positive outcome (your headache is gone or even just reduced, you might orgasm, he might orgasm) that'll get you started! works with me!
I've actually told my boyfriend I've got a headache before now to sneakily let him know I want sex. I'm not saying everyones partner will get that hint (also not saying they're stupid). I'll say it if there's someone in the house and we want to do something, he'll suggest we 'go upstairs to lie down and sleep it off' cut he's just playing along!