Love: Today, I was talking to my crush about making the soccer team....

By 987564 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was talking to my crush about making the soccer team. Excited, he congratulated me and asked for my number. I gave him my cellphone number. He laughed and said "your jersey number". FML

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Love

Late term

Who the fuck asked you?

Blue Christmas

By Mike

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

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By danikka1 - United States

Today, I told my husband that after fifteen years of marriage, I wanted a divorce. His first question was whether or not he could still go on the family cruise my parents are paying for in May. FML

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By leah_kascar - United States - Hialeah

Today, in the class I'm teaching, I assigned my students an essay to complete for homework. One student asked me if I was deducting points for bad spelling. I teach English. FML

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By Anonomous - Canada - Whitby

Today, I went on a date with a girl who had to cut our date short so she could go on another one. FML

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38787

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Iowa City

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying something new. I ended up with a shard of glass in my back and a concussion. Don't have sex on a glass table. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I made up an ingenious plan to finally hook up with the guy I really like at a party. Well, the plan itself worked great. Too bad I got so drunk that I used it on the wrong person. FML

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By jkass - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the police. The cop was my ex-boyfriend. He had no legitimate reason to pull me over, so he thoroughly checked my car. He gave me a defect notice and a fine. What for? A broken door lock, on my rear passenger door. FML

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By stewiesclone - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

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22823

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my way to the break room, it seemed as if everyone was staring at me and giving me odd looks. I asked my friend, "Did I get prettier overnight or something?" She answered, "No, your shirt is just see-through." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cass Lake

Today, my boss told me I got my new job because she rejected candidates that seemed "too confident" or "too pretty." FML

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By creeped - United States

Today, I was talking to the guy that has been in love with me for two years. He said "There is a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to lose yours." He then creepily looked at me and said "It's true." Thanks, Princess Bride, for supplying creepers with material. FML

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26636

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my parents on their first day back from New York with candles I made. I used actual lavender flecks from our garden for the scent in the candles. My plan worked until the lavender caught on fire which then spread to all of our mail and newspapers. Welcome home. FML

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34164

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By nick - Canada

Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket for parking in a no stopping zone. I argued with the bylaw enforcement officer, but no luck. I was so pissed, I yelled at him: "You have the worst job in the world", to which he replied: " Buddy, you deliver pizza!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

11051

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By smyp - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

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31680

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By iAMloud - United States

Today, I was riding to a prom with my friends in the middle of a swamp-covered area. I stuck my head out the top and screamed like they do in the movies. My hair, makeup, and mouth were quickly filled with bugs. FML

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12445

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By ostler - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

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32769

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By glittercat - United States

Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML

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32121

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By none - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

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59166

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By HotelClerk - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

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By smsmall - United States

Today, I finally admitted that I have to consider buying a nose hair trimmer. I'm a woman. FML

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27279

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By FartyCar

Today, I found a bag of frozen broccoli in my car boot from when I went shopping 3 days ago. My whole car smells like farts now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2014

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976

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By FamilyLoving - United States - Patchogue

Today, I was out jogging. As I took a rest to have a drink of water, a car pulled onto the sidewalk and bumped into me. Not just any car; my dad's car. He then drove away. FML

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By robotchickens - United States

Today, while on the bus, an old man told me about all the many things he wanted to do with my various orifices. FML

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26014

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By sonofaneuroticwench - United States - Rice Lake

Today, my dad and I got into an argument, and he ended up calling me a son of a bitch. My mom heard and started arguing with him over him calling her a bitch. Three hours later, I'm now staying at my gran's house with my mom and hoping her threats of a divorce weren't for real. FML

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44539

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By melon squash - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

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By notsohappy - United States

Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML

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118613

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By ouchy - United States

Today, I was babysitting three little kids. I decided to give one of them (a seven-year-old) a piggy-back ride, thinking I'm strong enough. I managed to get a few feet before faceplanting on the wooden floor. She is fine though, no pain or anything. My face took the impact for both of us. FML

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11139

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By Mash-brakketz

Goodbye, 7 years of sobriety...

Today a gasoline canister leaked in our work garage and filled my office with fumes. It got me high and nauseous even though I went out for air constantly. I had a meltdown and was sent home. I'm still high. FML

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3233

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By Former Professor

Today, I happily went to an interview after job searching for months. I learned a large part of my job would be cleaning the toilets. Every. Single. Hour. I used to lecture at a university until budget cuts happened. FML

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1992

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By newguy - United States

Today, was my third day at work. The hazing finally began. After a few rounds of "punch the new guy", I thought I would finally be safe because the manager walked into the kitchen. He saw what was going on, picked up a handful of ketchup packets, and began throwing them at me. FML

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43986

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By natalieeee - United States

Today, I was talking to this really nice guy who likes me, and he tells me he's packing. I asked him where he was going, he said Puerto Rico. And I said "LUCKY!" He replied "it's for the funeral". I forgot his grandma had died. FML

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15843

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By homelessagain - United States - Lorain

Sue! SUE!

Today, I found out, through Facebook, that my landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage on the house I'm renting from him. It's going into foreclosure. FML

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6680

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By nali1122

Burned!

Today, I received a text forward from a good friend inviting me to his birthday party. Jokingly, I texted back, "No. I hate you and I don't want to go to your lame party." He replied with an apology for the mix-up, because he'd accidentally sent me the invite. FML

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564

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By Anonymous

Today, the stall I was using didn't have any toilet paper in it. Being the immature idiot I am, I was too embarrassed to ask for someone to grab me some. So I waited 45 minutes for the bathroom to be empty and crept into the next stall, only to find it was also out of toilet paper. FML

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2579

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By FastFlight - United States

Today, my daughter used pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

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48083

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By no booze, no boyfriend - United States

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me from jail, expecting me to bail him out. He'd tried to buy a load of booze at the liquor store and came up short by ten cents. The cashier refused to be short-changed, and he figured the only reasonable reaction was to punch her in the face. FML

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49848

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By fiery - United States

Today, I was reaching for something in the back of the refrigerator. The bottle of hot sauce that was in front of it fell and broke. Not only did the glass cut my feet up, but the hot sauce got in the fresh wounds. FML

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39920

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By kilamo80 - United States - Clarkston

Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

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52368

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By Anon - United Kingdom - Kingston Upon Thames

Today, I requested a pay rise at work. They said they couldn't do it as they have to cut costs, so I resigned. They've now re-advertised my job for more money than I asked for. FML

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Top comments

By AliSama | 17

#5376 - Sunday 22 February 2009 17:38

so is it bad that he wants to root for you during games and tell people he knows you? consider it. i he cheers for you, the chances he might start to like you increase. just don't get yourself hurt in the game to stand out. Noone is worth you going to the hospital.

By disgruntled_stdt | 0

#5391 - Sunday 22 February 2009 18:24

you like soccer, he likes soccer, he wants to know exactly where you are when he watches you play soccer...

/fails to see FML

COMMENTS

By suyci | 0

#5370 - Sunday 22 February 2009 17:03

autsj.. painfull moments

stevenJB | 25

#4465666 - Tuesday 22 May 2012 4:44

What we have here is a failure to communicate!

dabears1011234 | 27

#6020493 - Sunday 27 July 2014 9:04

Exactly what I was thinking.

By AliSama | 17

#5376 - Sunday 22 February 2009 17:38

liray | 4

#1143227 - Monday 26 July 2010 14:48

how many acorns can you store in those cheeks?

adrianblackett | 0

#2381308 - Thursday 21 April 2011 3:38

hahaha

By holynemesis1208 | 3

#5380 - Sunday 22 February 2009 17:45

well at least he has both now

By disgruntled_stdt | 0

#5391 - Sunday 22 February 2009 18:24

you like soccer, he likes soccer, he wants to know exactly where you are when he watches you play soccer...

/fails to see FML

By xolotl | 0

#5409 - Sunday 22 February 2009 19:21

yeah, guys, the fact that she gave someone her number when they weren't asking for it is the FML (pretty embarrassing), not the fact that he wanted to know her jersey number.