Miscellaneous: Today, my friend and I went to a bar for drinks. I noticed this... - FML

By hihipanda - Singapore

Today, my friend and I went to a bar for drinks. I noticed this cute girl and went over to say "Hi." I had a great conversation with her and I asked for her number before she left. She passed it to me on a piece of paper with instructions specifying for my friend to call her and not me. FML

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Taking stock

Childlike

Make your mind up

By Krissy - United States

Hangry sex

Today, during sex, my boyfriend stopped and asked if he could eat a sandwich while we do it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, while taking part in a lifeguarding exercise, I was supposed to "drown" to get another guard to save me. After all was done, my boss called me into his office and screamed at me for "drowning the wrong way," and threatening our reputation. FML

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By wtf - India

Today, it's my birthday. I've been dropping strong hints all year about wanting to learn to tap-dance, hoping for some decent tap shoes. Instead, I got a beekeepers outfit and some furry dice to hang on my wreck of a car's rear-view mirror. FML

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By not paid enough - United States - Antioch

Today, I got written up for asking my coworker a question that I should have asked my boss to ask my coworker. Yay bureaucracy. FML

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By oh god. - Canada - Sherwood Park

Confusion

Today, while at work, I asked an older customer how he was doing. He told me that he'd just lost his wife. I gave my condolences before he clarified that his wife was not dead, but was lost in Walmart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML

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By LindsayK - United States

Today, my step-mother threw a surprise party on my acceptance to college. People kept telling me how delightfully shocked and happy they are for me. "UPenn" was written everywhere, when I really got into Penn State. Everyone thinks I'm going to an Ivy League. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Crossville

Today, while working the drive-thru at work, an older woman asked for my phone number to give to her single son. After I politely declined, she called me a slut and threw her food at me through the window before promptly speeding off. FML

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By Candy_Crushed - United States - Mims

Today, after nearly three years of no contact whatsoever, I received a Facebook notification from my father. Eager to see what he said, I pulled it up only to see a game request. He had run out of lives on Candy Crush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cat played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

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By notworthit - United States

Today, a guy I'd been seeing off and on for the past three years broke things off over a Facebook message. I replied, and told him that I was at least worth a phone call. He replied "Well, I'm sorry, I disagree." FML

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

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By Anonymous

Pissed

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I was sick, and my voice was really low and raspy. A cute guy smiled at me and said hi, so I said hi too. He looked shocked and said, "Sorry bro, thought you were a girl." I am. FML

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By Carl - United States

Today, my landlord compared me to his idiot son for not plunging a toilet. This is the same toilet he explicitly told me not to plunge last week, because of a possible leak into the basement. We have been peeing outside for a week waiting on him. FML

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By xoothc08 - United States

Today, I came back from college and visited my parents house. There was a new family portrait hung over the mantel of my parents and 2 sisters. My mom had always wanted one but always postponed it. It was dated the day after I left for college. FML

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By yesnomaybeso7 - United States

Today, my daughter's handsome new boyfriend came to visit our house. When I opened the door, he asked me where Diana's mother was. I assumed he was about to be charming and say that he thought I was her sister. He didn't. He assumed that I was Diana's grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a paper cut from a 'get well soon' card. FML

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By okay._. - United States - Marysville

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying that I couldn't wait for him to get home and see my costume, and that I had dressed up as a naked lady. He texted back asking if I could dress up as someone who was making dinner instead. FML

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By McChunky =( - United States

Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML

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By Boyufd

Show and tell

Today, it was the first time I was about to have sex with my girlfriend of 3 years, since I'm self-conscious about my size. When she saw it, she started laughing. She was mad I didn't want to continue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad was supposed to take me to get a tattoo, but instead he went to the bar, got drunk, and told me how I was the biggest mistake he and my mom have ever made. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 08:01

Alexa, put on "Trust" by Low

Today, the first guy I have dated, and have had a serious relationship with after my divorce, is spending the night with his ex-girlfriend. And I'm supposed to be ok with it, “nothing's going to happen.” FML

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By Coco - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, I invited my sister to my wedding. She is not coming, because I didn't reply to her email three years ago. The one she sent to my whole family, saying that I was a dangerous psychopath. FML

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By CPD - Canada

Today, I made a half-hour bike ride to the movie store, only to realize I'd forgotten my money. I made the ride back home, grabbed my money, went back to the store, paid, then made a second ride home. I got home exhausted, and opened the case. They gave me the wrong movie. FML

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By birgz

Today, my roommates sent a relationship request to my one night stand with my Facebook account. She accepted, and sent me a long message confessing her love for me. I can't remember her. FML

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By Sedici - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I procrastinated on doing my on-line training for my new job. Thinking it would only take a few hours to complete, I started it in the early evening. It is now almost 4 am, and I start my new job in 3 hours. There is still about another hour and a half on on-line training left. FML

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By paranoid neighborhood - United States - Orlando

Today, I was walking back home from a party, when I received an email from our neighborhood watch. It said to beware, because a "thug-like" stranger with a white shirt and brown hair had entered the neighborhood. My hair is indeed brown and I was wearing a white shirt. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Butler

Today, I thought I'd lost the ring that my boyfriend had given me, in the snow, in the dark. I spent a half hour with a flashlight searching every part of my driveway. The ring was on my kitchen windowsill the whole time. I took it off earlier to do dishes. FML

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By lizard - Canada

Today, my dad walked in to the arena where I was watching a hockey game with my boyfriend and his friends. My dad was wearing a crazy grey mohawk wig/hat. Meanwhile, my boyfriend just finished telling me how embarassing it would be to be that guy's kid. FML

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By thatonesilentkidinclass - Philippines - San Juan

Today, I finally started exercising. I'm a rather obese person and I'm super pumped up to finally get off my lazy butt and lose some weight. Locking myself in my room, I first started with a very simple exercise: jumping jacks. I farted each time I jumped. I jumped 10 times. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I waited in the pouring rain for my wife to come pick me up from work. It was only after I was thoroughly drenched that I remembered it was my wife's day off, and that I drove myself to work earlier in her car, which was parked fifty feet from where I was waiting. FML

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By YOUNG1441 - United Kingdom - Cramlington

Today, after finishing a two-day course for work, I was informed that the days used will either be unpaid or used up as holidays, as it was for improvement of myself and not the company. They put me on the course without my knowledge until the weekend before. FML

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By _guy_j - United States - Glendora

Today, my brother got a job as an Uber driver. Now, whenever I need a ride from him, he insists I pay him money through the app. FML

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By sadbuttrue. - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I went to the very back of the crowd of women waiting to catch the bouquet. Not only did I end up catching it, I was accosted by a crazy chick who ripped it out of my hands, screaming at me in Italian. I later found out she was already engaged. FML

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By

Don't care

Today, I realized that I'm a horrible uncle, I have two nephews and I don't know their age nor birthday. They are twins. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Ouch

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I thought it was going great and I was doing a good job, until he told me to "stop chomping on it like it's a hot dog." FML

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By fine - United States - Danvers

Today, after struggling for over a year with it, and now having it medically confirmed, I told my step-dad about my depression. He gave me a disgusted look and scoffed, "Toughen up, cunt." FML

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By Dulieu - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

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Top comments

By brill | 3

#527229 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:28

that's so insulting :(
you should give someone else her number instead of your friend :)

By brunocbreis | 0

#527227 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:28

You're disturbingly creepy D:

COMMENTS

By ny1996 | 0

#527147 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:13

first!

Reply

KiSsKiZzy | 0

#527835 - Monday 31 August 2009 0:14

agreed #2 then eat her pets for a rewarding snack!!!

By Harry_Poochi | 0

#527165 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:16

This is the part when you find out where she lives, then go to her house/apartment and kill all of her pets and family in front of her, then kill her slowly.
Works every time.

Reply

brunocbreis | 0

#527227 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:28

You're disturbingly creepy D:

Reply

sacredpoppy | 0

#527673 - Sunday 30 August 2009 23:28

LOL. Yes. That's a fitting punishment.

Reply

Megan36 | 3

#1892624 - Sunday 26 December 2010 10:56

nice lol :P

Reply

deadlyriot101 | 7

#3207131 - Tuesday 30 August 2011 22:19

Something tells me you have experience in this category.

By DemonicAngel151 | 0

#527166 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:16

THIRD XD

By __ColoradoSunris | 0

#527174 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:18

FYL. That must suck.

By XRiseToFallAgain | 0

#527185 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:20

Sorry, bro. =/

By screwtaylor | 0

#527189 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:21

She should have gave you the rejection hotline number.

It always works.. and it's always funny.

Reply

TheBigDawg | 8

#527210 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:25

You'd think most people would recognize the Rejection Hotline numbers by now.

Reply

screwtaylor | 0

#527241 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:31

People are still hiding in caves.

Reply

iTzSaLaD | 0

#527413 - Sunday 30 August 2009 21:23

caves with low reception.

By allysonnn | 0

#527191 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:21

well that sucks, its okay :)

By zapskimmer | 0

#527205 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:24

EIGHTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck all of you!

By brill | 3

#527229 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:28

that's so insulting :(
you should give someone else her number instead of your friend :)

Reply

svsafety17 | 0

#527263 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:37

Give it to so creep in an ally way

Reply

caramelize | 0

#527338 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:56

Why? Sure, she's a bit of an insensitive ass, but she doesn't deserve some creep stalking her. OP shouldn't give her number to the friend at all, because chances are some other guy will come along who she likes better.

By wd40 | 0

#527234 - Sunday 30 August 2009 20:30

haha that sucks, sounds like you have a good personality though