Miscellaneous: Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also... - FML

By Xia - 18/10/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 725

You deserved it 16 108

Stop talking!

Broken heart

His house, his asshole

Run run run

By runner - 14/11/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, I went for a run in a new pair of shoes that left me with huge blisters. As I finished cleaning them up so they could heal, I limped to my bed to take a nap. I was woken by the fire alarm. My building was having a drill and we couldn't use the elevators. I live on the 9th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 923

You deserved it 3 752

By sis - 19/02/2018 16:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went shopping with my sister’s husband to help him choose a birthday gift for her. My sister’s insane friend saw us, followed us, and caused a huge screaming scene in the middle of the mall accusing us of having an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 954

You deserved it 285

By Unknown - 07/07/2011 15:12 - United States

Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 237

You deserved it 27 460

By StrawberryJuicey - 13/12/2009 18:39 - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get sized. I put the card that says my size in my pocket, then went to the movies with my boyfriend. When the person at the counter asked me to hand them my ticket, I reached into my pocket and handed it to them. It wasn't the ticket. It was my bra size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 812

You deserved it 32 200

Failing upwards

By Anonymous - 26/02/2021 20:01 - United States

Today, I got my acceptance letter from Harvard University. Yay! Unfortunately, I sent it as a joke, never thinking I'd get accepted and I have absolutely no way to get there, or the money to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 478

By hotdogbunz - 23/01/2018 19:00

Today, my coworker was supposed to pick me up to go to a work event as my car is broken. I waited 3 hours and he never showed. After he arrived late to the event due to traffic, he told my boss that he waited for me and I never came out. Guess who's unemployed now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 179

You deserved it 367

By raspberrysachere - 03/06/2019 16:00

Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 214

Jaws

By Anonymous - 17/05/2020 05:00 - Australia

Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 064

You deserved it 128

By ChloeisaDoll - 21/07/2019 06:01

Today, I was told I have a brother… By a stranger in a parking lot, while leaving my grandfather's wake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 836

You deserved it 98

By armybrat - 10/07/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while babysitting my neighbors kids for the day. I was woken up by this obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair in his shorts jumping around like a horse, oh, and a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 486

You deserved it 59 781

By Anonymous - 31/08/2014 17:51 - United States

Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 448

You deserved it 3 848

By Awkward - 22/10/2014 00:36 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I had to google the definition of transsexual just to know what the hell my friends were talking about. I need to read a book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 584

You deserved it 28 193

By Melaknee - 19/03/2009 00:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 383

You deserved it 149 497

By RobotUnicorn1209 - 14/08/2015 19:31 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I got in trouble for punching my sister. Apparently, it still counts if it's in Minecraft and she looked like she was going to steal my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 511

You deserved it 2 698

By Ashy104 - 09/01/2010 05:36 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 748

You deserved it 26 307

By u raised him - 10/02/2018 01:30

Today, my 17-year-old son attempted to rob the bank I work at while I was off shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 318

You deserved it 563

By nothing - 08/04/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my good friend who just had a baby girl sent her newborn's pictures to me via picture message. To reply, instead of writing "Awwwwww" I wrote "Ewwwwww" by mistake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 839

You deserved it 63 678

By ThanksChris - 16/10/2011 07:06 - United States

Today, I was watching my cousin shoot at targets on hay bales with his plastic pellet BB gun. After my sister asked him if it would hurt to be shot with one, my cousin smiled at her and said, "Ask your sister" as he shot me in the leg. I think my screaming was obvious enough. It hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 839

You deserved it 3 301

By Anonymous - 13/01/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I worked a full day and then went to a three-hour class. I got home at 9 PM, and before the door closed I heard, "There's a sink full of dishes for you." There are three able-bodied men in the house, all of whom got here hours ago and created that sink full of dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 806

You deserved it 4 705

By tamponmayhem - 09/03/2009 19:30 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 205 127

You deserved it 15 361

By Anonymous - 19/10/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I had a UTI. After, taking some sample medicine my doctor gave to me, I had a lot of back pain and nausea. I also spent 6 hours in the ER with no health insurance because I thought I was urinating blood. Nope, "peeing red" is just a little side effect my doctor forgot to inform me of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 129

You deserved it 4 528

By Anonymous - 26/04/2011 12:03 - Israel

Today, I went on a date with a woman. She brought along her stuffed rabbit, and introduced us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 872

You deserved it 4 868

I'm just saying…

By dirty boy - 05/07/2021 11:00

Today, what started as an amazing day with hiking, a picnic, more hiking, then a romantic nature walk, ended in a ridiculous screaming match between me and my boyfriend. I only asked him to shower before laying in our bed when we got home, since we were covered in sweat, bug bites and dirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 956

You deserved it 99

By MakesMeLol - 18/01/2012 22:30 - Ireland

Today, I turned on the news to see a live report about an increase in crime in my town. One minute in, my drunk daughter appears behind the news reporter, butt naked, dancing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 197

You deserved it 6 758

By FathersDay - 22/06/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 372

You deserved it 20 981

The magic of love

By robot lady - 23/09/2020 23:01

Today, I learned just how “old fashioned” my girlfriend is when we talked about marriage. She said it should be approached as a logically as possible and that I make an ideal partner, based on my ability to provide. And while she sees sex as uninteresting, it is a wifely duty she’s willing to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 300

You deserved it 183

Good one, dude

By poop hands - 20/12/2016 03:50 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, working as a CNA, my nurse convinced me that in order to collect a stool sample, you had to have the patient take a dump in your hand. I only found out he was kidding after I collected the sample. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 936

You deserved it 4 982

Pizzzaaaaaaa

By muzikmaler91 - 15/03/2012 09:45 - United States

Today, I called Pizza Hut to order a pizza. A voice recording was reading me their specials. The man had a horrible country accent so I began to make fun of it. Then I realized it was an actual person on the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 512

You deserved it 49 933

By Anonymous - 09/03/2011 01:15 - United States

Today, my dad bought a one hundred dollar collectible light-saber. He plays with it. In the front yard. With sound effects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 716

You deserved it 7 910

When nature calls

By Sacha - 19/01/2021 08:01 - Canada

Today, while I was working in a grocery store, a costumer decide to take a dump on the ground after I told him he couldn’t access to restrooms because my boss closed them due to COVID restrictions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 157

Letting go

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 00:30

Today, my dad muttered something about the snow in Texas being fake, caused by 5G. I didn't take the bait, because it made a change from natural disasters being caused by my "homosexual life choices." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 234

You deserved it 137

By Anonymous - 04/02/2012 02:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 663

You deserved it 11 850

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 176

You deserved it 3 005

By 0ptimu5 - 11/09/2009 04:39 - Australia

Today, I saw a cute girl at a night club. When I approached her and introduced myself, she said "Don't you remember me? We danced here last weekend... but you were smashed that night". I cheekily replied "Oh really? That's hot, what happened next?" She said "You were hitting on me. So, I left." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 658

You deserved it 43 335

What is the real feeling?

By Anonymous - 06/11/2019 05:15

Today, my friends and I were acting out porn scenes without sex. Then, I realized that we all watch too much porn, and we are still all virgins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 2 333

By Bailyboo - 26/01/2012 23:50 - United States

Today, I admitted my fear of small spaces to my boyfriend. His response was to immediately lock me in the hall closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 097

You deserved it 4 749

By Anonymous - 17/05/2011 10:06 - Finland

Spicy

Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 768

You deserved it 8 230

By Anonymous - 29/06/2015 21:52 - United States - Tupelo

Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 967

You deserved it 1 797

By Anonymous - 26/08/2017 01:30

Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 338

You deserved it 732

By qx5 - 08/01/2011 22:05 - Canada

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 502

You deserved it 57 972

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Top comments

pcakewafflebacon 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:05

at least you didn't pick your nose

Sun_Kissed18 25

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:03

Aren't we in a pickle now :)

Comments

Sun_Kissed18 25

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:03

Aren't we in a pickle now :)

Ajjas013 6

Sunday 18 October 2009 23:05

At least you didn't spill nevercomeoff glue on your hands. That would suck.

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:25

At least you didn't mistake it for lube.

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Monday 19 October 2009 1:06

Looks like a sticky situation

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Monday 19 October 2009 1:37

#38, I have seen SOO many of your awful jokes on this site, but for this one, I give you props.

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Monday 19 October 2009 2:46

At least you didn't mistake it for lube.

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Monday 19 October 2009 3:02

"I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster"... that's what she said

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Monday 19 October 2009 3:55

#60, you are awesome.

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Monday 19 October 2009 4:00

Imagine the OP typing this up with his hands glued together and this FML is a lot funnier.

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Monday 19 October 2009 4:37

West Virginia. That is all.

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Monday 19 October 2009 13:20

lmao pretty sure it'd be hard to spill half a bottle of thick, viscous super glue on your hands without noticing

thousandinone 0

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Monday 19 October 2009 17:10

#88: There is superglue that is a liquid almost the consistency of water, available at most gas stations. It hardens in seconds just like the thicker stuff...

yayhesdead165 1

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Tuesday 20 October 2009 1:21

RUBING ALCOHAL people or nailpolish remover, eather works just fine.

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Thursday 22 October 2009 2:20

It has become an ingrained habit for me, whenever I buy Superglue/Krazyglue I also buy a bottle of nail-polish remover. One afternoon with the handset of a phone bonded to my hand was enough of a lesson for me.

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Thursday 5 November 2009 1:55

Nail polish remover will work to get this stuff off... But it won't be a quick fix.

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Sunday 4 July 2010 0:44

that's not possible b/c most superglues have two parts that you mix together so that story doesn't happen. although it is true that cold water makes it harden faster. so op, if u did do that, you are an idiot as u had already mixed the two together and then somehow managed to spill it on u. either way ydi.

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Monday 20 September 2010 9:45

that's what she said

J15237 25

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Thursday 29 April 2021 18:03

The only thing that immedietly came to mind after reading the post was American Pie 2

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:05

Hah, i feel sorry for you :| ..

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Monday 31 May 2010 16:04

no ydi fie being an idiot

pcakewafflebacon 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:05

at least you didn't pick your nose

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Monday 19 October 2009 6:07

wouldnt one hand be superglued to the faucet handle thingy?

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Thursday 11 March 2010 13:31

Or worse...

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:07

Ha wow that sucks

Intellectualist 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:08

Moisture tightens the bond. retard.

Intellectualist 0

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Monday 19 October 2009 0:56

shut up. twat.

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 19 October 2009 1:35

Laura doesn't look like much of a redhead... When will they get married?

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 19 October 2009 7:51

You're horrible at insults.

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 19 October 2009 9:15

Great.

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:10

i did that same thing, haha.

Jak0p 25

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Thursday 30 October 2014 10:07

me too! and then my roommate was going to help me and glued herself up as well :D

PostalPenguin 0

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:11

Acetone will take that right off.

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:43

I was thinking that. Not really that big of a deal. Just kind of a pain.

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:15

Complete opposite of your dick, eh?

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:15

oh wow, your life is SO f'd. please go de in a fire.

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:21

NIce

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Sunday 18 October 2009 23:15

HAHAHA poor you ;)

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 6

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 485

You deserved it 63

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 227