Miscellaneous: Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my soccer team got our warm up t-shirts that say "You can hit on us, but you can't score." After the game, a guy behind my friend asks, "Hey what does the front of your shirt say?" I replied for her, "You can hit on us." He looked at me and my friend and said, "No thanks." FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

That'll be Kevin in accounting

OK, well, goodbye

By Anonymous - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband's daughter told us that she's 5 months pregnant. I'm going to be a step grandmother and I'm only 23 years old. FML

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By christous - France

Today, I should have given my first concert in front of a crowded audience. As we were about to go on stage my band decided to roll a joint outside. The cops just happened to pass by and now I'm on my own. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

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By madi - United States

Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML

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By AAA - 11/2/2021 11:01

Hole for life

Today, I got a new piercing because I was trying to be spontaneous. Now, I realize its placement is off and I hate it. FML

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By IHateMyLife - 1/2/2021 08:01

Best birthday ever!

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had promised that the day would belong to me. But no, I had to drive 80 km forth and back to pick him up from work, then he took pictures with his new camera lens, then he decided what to eat, demanded a massage and then he just fell asleep. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came into my room, looked at my laptop, and said he could hear the porn I was watching all the way from his room. I wasn't watching porn. We soon realised it was actually coming from his mobile phone. FML

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By tattooed - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend told me one of the main reasons he started dating me was because I have the same name as his ex, whose name he has tattooed on his back. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fayette

Today, I had to have major oral surgery. Needless to say I am in need of some heavy pain medication. My pharmacist insists that my surgeon never called in my medicine, and my surgeon insists otherwise. This has been going back and forth for hours. FML

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By fun_gal

Odd one out

Today, my family said that we're all in this together, so I headed over to their house before the stay-at-home orders go into effect. When I arrived, my brother came out to stop me in the driveway to say they were practicing social distancing. From me. FML

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By nekkidness - United States - Carthage

Today, my friends and I were playing truth or dare game. It was late and we were drunk, so they dared me to run naked into my neighbor's yard while yelling, "Help! The pixies took my penis!" I ran screaming right into their big family reunion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I woke up from surgery to find that the chronic warts on my right hand hadn't been removed. The doctor informed me that they'd grown into my radial nerve, so impossible to remove without permanent paralysis. My immune system sucks, so this is just in my hand forever. FML

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By homealone - Canada

Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be alone in this big house." FML

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By ekoblick - United States

Today, I got food poisoning from my wedding food. FML

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By mississpissi - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, the waste disposal truck managed to tip over a portapotty on our work site, causing the contents to overflow and run down the bank towards my portakabin office, where someone had left the door open. All my money, ID and my car keys are now shut off to me by a river of shit. FML

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By Anonymous

Death at one's elbow

Today, I found out that for the past 6 months I have been sleeping next to a dead body. The cremated body of my landlord's father. It was hidden inside a wardrobe that I was not supposed to use. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I wrote to the guy whom I am in love with how I feel about him. He was very calm and told me to give him some time to think it over. Later in the day, I found out he blocked my number and rejected me on facebook. But, the worse part is he then texted me saying "This is my reply". FML

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By MafiaWarsWidow - Australia

Today, I was on the phone to my boyfriend in England. I live in Australia. What did he talk about for 15 minutes straight? Mafia Wars on Facebook and how far he had got. FML

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By Sick - Netherlands - Ede

Nice bird

Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was rejected from the University of Washington. My dad has been a professor there for 30 years, and is on the board of admissions. FML

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By ugh - Canada

Today, my dad found and read my diary. Most of the entries were about how my father didn't respect my privacy. Then he phoned my aunt and read her passages from it. FML

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By Sam - Belgium

Today, on the way to an exam I saw a car accident happen. I stopped, helped the woman who was injured and waited for the paramedics. I was too late at school, the teacher didn't buy my excuse and I failed the exam. It was an examination of my first aid skills. FML

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By hipthrustdude - Malaysia

Today, I got really excited at work over a deal I was about to close. I got up and started performing a rather obscene hip thrust only to notice a client sitting in the glass meeting room. FML

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By robbyrabbit - United States

Today, I went to the place I signed for yesterday to pay the first month's rent and get my keys. I looked around before I left, and used the toilet. I went back later to show my boyfriend and found the place flooded an inch with water coming from the toilet. It had been flooding for 7 hours. FML

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By

Today, my bird learned how to mimic the fire alarm after my dad has been testing them for the last few months. He now enjoys sounding like a fire alarm anytime I turn the lights off with the other bird joining in. They live in my room. FML

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By sorry - United States - Columbus

Blind love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML

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By Pouya - United States

Today, it was my first day as a promoted manager. I got fired for being late. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I sent my grandma a naked picture instead of my girlfriend. While attempting to delete it, I sent it again. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was unable to retrieve my old contact list from my old phone, so I sent out a mass email asking my friends to "Give me your contact info, unless you don't want me to text/call you!" No one is responding. FML

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By sadkid - United States

Today, my mom called me a bastard, told me I should run away, and said I don't deserve to live in her house. All because I didn't use a plate when I ate a Poptart. FML

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By invisible - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I realized how invisible I am when our professor was showing us that he knows the names of all the students in our class. When he reached me, he just smiled at me and skipped to the person next to me. I took 3 courses with this guy yet I'm the only one he didn't know the name of. FML

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By sadfantasy - Canada - Toronto

Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Detroit

Today, I finally started my first job. I also lost it, for being too "enthusiastic" and making my fellow employees look lazy. FML

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By Snuffles

Today, while eating a BLT sandwich, I unexpectedly sneezed a lump of bacon up the back of my nose. It has just taken 6 hours of unpleasantness to snort the lump back out. Not how I wanted to spend my day off. FML

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By unemployed - United States - The Colony

Today, the store I work at got shut down and I got let go. Three days ago I got a promotion and a raise. FML

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By bookworm - United States - Victoria

Today, my supervisor was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. It was his wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I'm getting laid off. However, they're keeping my coworker who rarely shows up and sleeps all the time when he's there. FML

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Top comments

By Ohnoitslindsay | 0

#165980 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:09

Well what did you expect?

By fatfaceunited | 0

#166119 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:31

your shirt is basically denying him, so why should he hit on you?

COMMENTS

By omglyktotally78 | 0

#165966 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:07

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! you might be ugly or fat with a combination of he's an asshole thrown in. FYL.

By Ohnoitslindsay | 0

#165980 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:09

Well what did you expect?

Reply

michaelscot23 | 0

#951707 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 1:32

ugly child

Reply

sports_chic | 6

#2241662 - Friday 25 March 2011 22:43

am I the only one who noticed he wrote that a guy came up to him and asked then replied to "her" ?

Reply

NikkiFlysKites | 8

#2421861 - Thursday 28 April 2011 6:03

I barely followed your comment.
It says "I replied FOR her." meaning, OP replied for their friend to the guy.

By ArtsySwag | 0

#165984 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:10

Wow, that does suck... What a jerk though.

By Atreyu_Love | 0

#165986 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:10

LMAO.

By Brittanyy | 0

#166025 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:15

LMAO.
Damn.

By iTz_Mark | 0

#166037 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:17

Shirt Fail! lol

By TheZephyrSon | 3

#166043 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:18

That guy's an asshole...

By manoverboard | 0

#166052 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:19

That's what you get for wearing weird shirts. xD
Refund?

Reply

Vietmanx | 9

#2366806 - Monday 18 April 2011 9:08

amen

By fely_fml | 0

#166060 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:21

lmao im guessing ur not hot! that sucks

Reply

neal001 | 0

#3883364 - Saturday 14 January 2012 17:23

Same to you my friend.

By McCannCanTriple | 0

#166068 - Monday 4 May 2009 1:23

#7 no, just truthful. Likely he just figured they where full of themselves to wear something like that (not knowing it was a soccer shirt)

OP, I would have likely just shrugged and told him it was for soccer.