Miscellaneous: Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/04/2013 06:33 - United States

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 631

You deserved it 79 789

Is this guy Hugh Hefner?

Signs

Classic narcissist

Just BFF things

By slumber party for two - 06/08/2020 08:02

Today, my best friend came to visit from out of state. We had lunch, painted our nails and fell asleep sipping wine and watching movies. It was a perfect girl’s day. My boyfriend is now irrationally angry, because according to him it’s not fair that I can have a girl sleep over and he can’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 693

You deserved it 427

Money management

By Marea90h - 25/11/2020 16:58

Today, my fiancé finally was able secure a PS5, which I told him I'd get for Christmas. Due to high demand, I didn't think he'd be able to get it till next week or so. He bought it last night while I was sleeping. I have to pay my car insurance tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 298

By FatRunner - 05/11/2009 07:41 - New Zealand

Today, while going for my daily run, a woman stopped me and said, "I think it's so great that people of your size are comfortable enough to run and show their bodies in public." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 890

You deserved it 5 258

By legit - 02/03/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I was singing Alicia Keys in the shower and hitting the insanely high notes. My father ran into the bathroom and threw open the shower door, screaming. He thought I was wailing in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 171

You deserved it 46 834

By Anonymous - 06/12/2018 21:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, when I went to my gp for an annual check up, I was complaining to the nurse about my chronically sore ankle. Turns out it has been fractured for 8 years. When I was 11 I was playing in my grans garden and went over on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 601

You deserved it 279

By Scottrick - 01/03/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 036

You deserved it 15 583

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By ygrowup2fast - 23/04/2020 17:00

Today, my wife wasn't feeling well. She called her doctor, who isn't seeing patients due to COVID. Had to take her to the ER. After numerous tests, they told her that her potassium levels were low. Diagnosis: eat a banana. When we get the bill(s) from the hospital, this will be the most expensive banana ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 907

You deserved it 267

By driverboy - 31/12/2014 08:08 - United States

Today, I had to pick up and drive home a couple of drunk bitches. Unfortunately, one of these drunk bitches was my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 836

You deserved it 4 852

By Fredgruff - 09/01/2010 13:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a band practice. The band was talking to each other with language like "cadence", "resolution" and "consecutive fifths". When they spoke to me, they used terms like "tick", "bong", "ticky bong"; and "bongy tick". Musically, I feel like a baboon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 398

You deserved it 6 795

By xomelodygervais - 08/11/2013 14:00 - Canada - Timmins

Spicy

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 849

You deserved it 6 148

By lions214 - 11/01/2012 01:40 - United States

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 319

You deserved it 2 918

By BbyDelight - 27/04/2009 03:39 - Canada

Today, it was my mom's birthday. I decided to get her a Willow Tree statue of a woman fairy holding a heart. After dinner, I presented my gift. My mother asked me how much it was. I replied, $30. She threw me a dirty look, shoved the present in my direction, and told me to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 731

You deserved it 8 612

By DriedDeadFroggo - 04/06/2019 04:06

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 725

You deserved it 155

By bummed - 04/11/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, I found out a 6-month pregnant woman is claiming my boyfriend to be the father. Even though this would have been previous to our relationship, he already has two kids from getting girls pregnant in high school. I guess he didn't learn his lesson the first two times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 076

You deserved it 16 573

By are these people even HUMAN? - 01/08/2013 15:18 - United States - Bristol

Today, a customer pulled a knife on me after I informed him that we'd run out of avocados to put on his pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 908

You deserved it 3 777

By Anonymous - 26/06/2012 22:04 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, I was at the beach with my parents, and I went for a swim in the sea. I got out and my parents started laughing their asses off. It wasn't until my dad pulled a condom out of my hair that I realized what they were laughing at. My dad even took a picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 327

You deserved it 2 279

By Anonymous - 06/01/2015 00:16 - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 067

You deserved it 3 190

By Kylee Day - 27/08/2019 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for a second time. Then when I was getting dressed with him sitting there next to me, there was a silence. He thought to fill it, he'd grab my hand and fist-bump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 421

You deserved it 365

By thewordsicantsay - 25/02/2010 07:05 - Canada

Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 475

You deserved it 3 368

By cumguzzler - 06/03/2009 16:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 477

You deserved it 11 872

By RIP iPhone - 26/02/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, I was using my flashlight app in the driveway to avoid stepping in puddles, as my new shoes are untreated suede. I dropped my phone in the puddle instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 504

You deserved it 2 004

By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 01:59 - Canada - Waterdown

Today, I forgot to pay for my train ride for the first time. Today was also the first time I've ever seen transit security checking for people's tickets and kicking offenders off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 608

You deserved it 5 583

By 2gewd4u - 15/01/2012 01:24 - United States

Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use "The Force" to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 161

You deserved it 4 059

By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 23:16 - United States

Today, I found out why two of my friends race downstairs to each other to the cafeteria everyday at lunch; apparently there's only one free seat at the table with the rest of their friends, and the loser has to eat lunch with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 668

You deserved it 3 122

We finally made it

By Depression... - 10/10/2012 06:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 058

You deserved it 9 098

Teamwork

By Anonymous - 24/11/2021 05:01

Today, my newborn daughter has kept me up all day and all night for the past few days. Usually my husband sleeps. I finally cracked and yelled for his help, only for him to scream at me that he needs sleep and gives her to me anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 005

You deserved it 153

By Minecraftwhyyy - 22/08/2012 15:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 065

You deserved it 6 714

By His name is now "Cunt" in my phone - 05/04/2017 14:00

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I was "angry" at him. I was angry because last night he turned off his phone and left me locked out of the Airbnb that I had paid for. Until 3 am. In a foreign country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 907

You deserved it 381

By peacexout108 - 08/11/2009 18:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, my ex told me she still misses having sex with me. Her next text was "but it's still over." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 781

You deserved it 3 343

By Username - 11/06/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, my fiancé, the love of my life, informed me that he proposed because he was sure I'd say no. He was hoping it would lead to our breakup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 189

You deserved it 3 791

By Harry - 05/12/2009 05:29 - United States

Today, my dad decided to get his friend to help move our old sofas to save money. Its leg got stuck in the doorway, scratched the entire hallway wall, punched a big hole in it and the other leg made a big dent in our front door. We live in an apartment complex and now have to to pay for everything to be fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 177

You deserved it 6 219

That's rank

By Anonymous - 12/05/2021 06:01 - Germany - Emden

Today, I took a piece of toilet paper to blow my nose and had a surprise: someone in our house seems to not have understood how TP works. In this case, the principle that it shouldn't stay on the roll once there is poo on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 80

By Anonymous - 24/02/2011 08:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend snuck into my house and hid in my closet. Knowing that I have a phobia of people jumping out of closets, he nonetheless thought it would be funny to see how I'd react. I had a panic attack and was taken to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 123

You deserved it 6 819

By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 20:00 - United States - Framingham

Today, my fiancé pawned off my engagement ring so he could buy himself a PS4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 553

You deserved it 4 870

By Today - 07/09/2010 02:26 - United States

Today, I had to play Paper, Rock or Scissors and beat my boyfriend in order to get him to take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 247

You deserved it 6 574

By dumped and dusted - 13/07/2016 17:35 - United States

Today, 3 weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 206

You deserved it 1 939

Big bastard boss

By noporn4u - 03/10/2020 19:01 - United States - Kaukauna

Today, my time off request was rejected, and my boss promptly took the day off himself, claiming he has people coming to work on his house. We work from home. The day in question is my 5-year wedding anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 259

You deserved it 102

By kill me - 30/09/2018 03:00

Today, my dad overheard me and my girlfriend having a very personal conversation. His response was to burst into the room and ground me for a month for failing to get her to orgasm the last 3 times we had sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 834

You deserved it 2 344

By littlekellilee - 16/09/2016 04:27 - Canada

Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 684

You deserved it 1 498

By Anonymous - 07/04/2011 13:28 - United Kingdom

Today, a guy who annoys me walked over. To avoid speaking to him, I pretended to be on the phone and he walked away. A few moments later, my phone rang. I looked around to see if he'd seen me. He had. He was the one ringing me from down the hall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 576

You deserved it 39 853

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Top comments

ScenicSubterfuge 39

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:08

Haha, I bet that was trippy;)

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:12

i'm glad you lived out what was clearly a strong desire in you, and sorry you feel the need to hide your desires under the guise of being too high to know what you were doing. Getting stoned does not make you unaware of yourself - quite the opposite. SO go and enjoy wearing heels. it's ok

Comments

ScenicSubterfuge 39

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:08

Haha, I bet that was trippy;)

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Saturday 27 April 2013 17:16

I still fail to see how this was unusual at 7-11...

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Saturday 27 April 2013 17:28

I once witnessed a woman giving some guy a blowjob behind a 7-11. It was during the winter, and must have been twenty degrees out.. Apparently, people still like Slurpees in the freezing cold..

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Saturday 27 April 2013 17:44

Huh, sounds like she got a Big Gulp...

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:09

Poor sole ;)

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:09

Cross dressing hooker in your future?

browneyedgirl52 13

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:17

I think OP is a girl. A boy would never be able to fit in a girl's heels.

5123PaperStreet 12

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:23

Well if OP is a girl, this wouldn't be so embarrassing for them.

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:32

15 - If OP was a girl, putting on high heels would have had no relevance to the FML at all. It's pretty obvious OP is male.

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Saturday 27 April 2013 18:30

4- OP could have a career in drag if he's sassy enough

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:09

its not possible to be that high

GuessWhatKids 13

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:14

Fml comment failure. Ignore this.

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:09

You were higher up then you thought

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:11

How do you "accidentally" put on heels? I'm always fully aware of how uncomfortable and taller I am when I wear them.

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:35

I agree 100%. How could you possibly not notice such a massive difference?

NoDontKillMe 19

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:52

I mean OP was stoned, so maybe they couldn't think straight enough...

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:55

Even stoned you would notice heels.

browneyedgirl52 13

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:11

No one gets that high off weed.

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:11

Yes, I'm sure it was an 'accident'.

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Saturday 27 April 2013 17:07

One does not "mistakenly" place high heels on, not mention trek to the store in them... I'm callin' bullshit, buddy..

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Saturday 27 April 2013 17:16

agreed, accidentally my Ass!

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Saturday 27 April 2013 18:51

Is this was a marijuana high it was no accident. OP was either on crack or just wants attention

supportcommand 17

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Saturday 27 April 2013 18:57

I'm calling BS. More and more of these fmls seem to get through. And if it did happen, its because op wanted it to. Weed didn't cause it.

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Saturday 27 April 2013 18:59

*if

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:12

i'm glad you lived out what was clearly a strong desire in you, and sorry you feel the need to hide your desires under the guise of being too high to know what you were doing. Getting stoned does not make you unaware of yourself - quite the opposite. SO go and enjoy wearing heels. it's ok

DarkJediLove 19

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:27

Exactly what I was thinking; the truth comes out!

SHAMUS_the_WITTY 18

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Saturday 27 April 2013 18:22

Yeah. This would be understandable if you were drunk. But when you're stoned your thought process is different, not the thoughts themself.

limitedition 25

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Saturday 27 April 2013 16:12

Did you also pull out her dress & push up bra?

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 474

You deserved it 139

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 111