Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 06:33 - United States

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

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Vultures

Hello everyone!

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2016 20:44 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I've been using a clay pad to warm up my stiff neck muscles. I put it in the microwave as instructed on the box, just as I've been doing for weeks. This time, the bag exploded, splattering sticky clay. Now my neck is even more sore from reaching inside to clean the microwave. FML

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By Anon - 10/3/2011 15:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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By arachnidphobia - 3/1/2010 03:22 - United States

Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 18:54 - United Kingdom

Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML

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By Burst a Valve - 26/2/2017 18:00 - Australia

#humblebrag

Today, I learned there is such a thing as "too much sex". After a full week of having sex at least twice a day with my girlfriend, I had to go to the GP due to a painful erection and swelling. The constant sex had caused me to burst a blood vessel in my penis. FML

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By diorlove - 21/1/2010 22:17 - France

Today, I broke my wrist because a Nutella glass fell on it after I opened the cupboard. FML

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By Anon - 12/1/2012 19:24 - United States

Today, I tried to give my friend a fist bump. He thought I was trying to punch him so he punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2014 19:21 - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 19:06 - Denmark

Today, I decided to try a self-tanning lotion my friend had recommended. I put it on, and decided to take a nap. I woke up later and checked myself in the mirror, expecting to see a new, more tanned version of myself. I didn't. I'm now orange. FML

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By dyingtinkerbell - 18/10/2009 11:14 - Australia

Today, I went to my company's HR manager to ask what the procedure was to file a sexual harassment complaint since my boss exposed himself to me. His response was that the procedure is to "get over it." And he went back to reading. FML

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By FuckfaceSteve - 1/2/2015 14:59 - United Kingdom - Chester-le-street

Today, the girl I like finally replied to a text I sent a week ago. Her reply was: "Don't ever text me again, fuckface." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2011 21:18 - United States

Today, I accidentally clamped my hair straightener down on my ear. Eleven hours later, it still feels like I have a burning, swollen fireball hanging off the side of my head. FML

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By biggieT - 14/6/2012 02:21 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, I was having sex with my wife, when she fell asleep. She then woke up and started moaning, clearly faking an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2016 16:41 - United States - Augusta

Today, and recently, many of my friends have been acting strangely. My birthday is coming up soon, so I thought maybe they were planning a surprise party. Nope. Turns out they've just been secretly hanging out without me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2019 00:03

Today, the guy who sexually assaulted me when I was a child is over to have coffee with my mother. She says that it's OK, because God wouldn't want her to turn away someone who has no family. FML

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By spasti-cunt - 17/5/2014 20:51 - Ireland

Today, I was on my way to my first job interview in months. I wasn't even halfway to the place when a bunch of cockbites in a car drove past and hurled a bucket of paint out the window, drenching me and several other people on the street. FML

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By cricketsins - 14/5/2015 05:11 - United States

Today, my sister told me she found my escaped tarantula and put it in a box on my bed. I never had a tarantula, and the box was empty when I checked. FML

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By LeaveMeAlone - 6/4/2017 04:00

Creepy creep alert. Run!

Today, my manager "bumped" into me 3 or 4 separate times. I told him months ago I didn't want to date him. He even asked me once if I was ever afraid of being kidnapped. FML

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By Pineapple does go on pizza - 24/8/2018 01:30

Overkill or fair?

Today, I thought my boyfriend was kidding when he said he'd dump me if I actually ate pineapple on pizza. I ordered it. I ate it. I'm now single. FML

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By thunderthighs644 - 23/11/2011 03:21

Today, while jogging, I heard an odd clapping sound over the sound of my iPod. I stopped running, and the sound stopped. This continued for an hour before I realized the slapping sound was my thighs slapping together violently. FML

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By FUCK A FUCKING DUCK - 23/11/2012 17:20 - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, I went out and bought a copy of Black Ops 2. I got home and opened the case, only to see the game disk was missing. When I went back to the store to complain, the guy at the desk accused me of trying to pull an old scam on him. FML

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By JaneDoe - 4/4/2013 02:51 - United States - Salisbury

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

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By Kailey - 28/10/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I was moving into my new house. While trying to turn on the light in the bedroom, I realized I couldn't reach the string on the fan. I got a chair, climbed up, reached over, and fell badly. While writhing in agony on the floor, I looked over to see a light switch on the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2014 18:23 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

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By - Moved Across the Country - 6/8/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I found out my ex is applying for a job at my current company. She may be my boss. FML

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By tandc - 1/5/2012 05:07 - United States

Today, in a rush to squeeze out of a particularly tight parking spot, I made a hurried 12-point turn. Just to make sure I had enough room behind, I hopped out of my car. It was still in reverse. I managed to wreck my own car without even sitting in it. FML

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By queen_lol - 10/5/2016 17:14 - United States

Today, I was at a party at my boyfriend's house. As I was walking past him, he pulled me onto his lap and started introducing me to a childhood friend. I sneezed and accidently peed on him. I'm 6 months pregnant and can't control my bladder. FML

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By goldfish - 6/3/2012 02:47 - Canada

Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML

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By SeaBind - 16/11/2014 00:41 - United States - Saginaw

Today, a friend wanted to show me a game he bragged he was the best at. I beat his score on the first try, and now I have a black eye to prove it. FML

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By DonMare - 22/4/2009 07:48 - Australia

Today, as I caught the train home, a woman got on and sat on the only available seat next to me. We got talking and as the train approached the next station, she said that this was her stop and she had to go. She exited the train and I turn to see her enter the compartment behind me. FML

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By Thesuz - 6/9/2013 03:27 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my neighbour was practicing his opera singing, drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 21:40 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, we got my dad an iPad for his birthday. I had to repeatedly reassure him that he could in fact touch the screen without being shocked. FML

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By michellenKG - 23/1/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I got was a coupon for a couples acupuncture session from my sister. I'm single and have an extreme fear of needles. FML

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By UglyFace - 30/11/2013 22:46 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents told me they'd be willing to pay for me to get a nose job. I asked them what was wrong with my nose, and they said nothing, it's just not the kind of nose they'd prefer to feature in our Christmas photos. FML

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By porkythighs - 27/12/2010 14:19 - Singapore

Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 00:18 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, in my second year at university, I took a pregnancy test. It is the only test I've passed all month. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2009 00:27 - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

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By KittenTitz - 3/5/2020 20:00

Planned parenthood

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I also found out that the dad has a fiancée. FML

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By ladyhead - 18/12/2008 16:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I am a Frenchie who's been in England for two months. While wanting to say to my technician that my manager made me groan during our meeting, I said that he made me moan. Now he keeps looking at me with a grin on his face. FML

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By xmassmasher - 2/12/2014 07:52 - United States - Ruston

Today, while my boyfriend and I were talking with his sister-in-law about a TV show, his 6-year-old nephew walked up just in time to hear how Santa killed the protagonist's parents. I've never seen such a heartbroken face in my life, and now he won't stop asking if Santa kills people. FML

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Top comments

By ScenicSubterfuge | 39

#5467553 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:08

Haha, I bet that was trippy;)

By thew_fml | 14

#5467569 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:12

i'm glad you lived out what was clearly a strong desire in you, and sorry you feel the need to hide your desires under the guise of being too high to know what you were doing. Getting stoned does not make you unaware of yourself - quite the opposite. SO go and enjoy wearing heels. it's ok

Comments

By ScenicSubterfuge | 39

#5467553 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:08

Haha, I bet that was trippy;)

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5467662 - Saturday 27 April 2013 17:16

I still fail to see how this was unusual at 7-11...

Reply

ComoEsJuan | 24

#5467675 - Saturday 27 April 2013 17:28

I once witnessed a woman giving some guy a blowjob behind a 7-11. It was during the winter, and must have been twenty degrees out..

Apparently, people still like Slurpees in the freezing cold..

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5467698 - Saturday 27 April 2013 17:44

Huh, sounds like she got a Big Gulp...

By tinysocks | 11

#5467554 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:09

Poor sole ;)

By WestSoy | 9

#5467555 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:09

Cross dressing hooker in your future?

Reply

browneyedgirl52 | 13

#5467577 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:17

I think OP is a girl. A boy would never be able to fit in a girl's heels.

Reply

5123PaperStreet | 12

#5467592 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:23

Well if OP is a girl, this wouldn't be so embarrassing for them.

Reply

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5467605 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:32

15 - If OP was a girl, putting on high heels would have had no relevance to the FML at all. It's pretty obvious OP is male.

Reply

HouseElf | 13

#5467745 - Saturday 27 April 2013 18:30

4- OP could have a career in drag if he's sassy enough

By DamnBobRoss | 4

#5467556 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:09

its not possible to be that high

Reply

GuessWhatKids | 13

#5467572 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:14

Fml comment failure. Ignore this.

By shinshoku13 | 19

#5467558 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:09

You were higher up then you thought

By sailorzoe | 14

#5467562 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:11

How do you "accidentally" put on heels? I'm always fully aware of how uncomfortable and taller I am when I wear them.

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5467610 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:35

I agree 100%. How could you possibly not notice such a massive difference?

Reply

NoDontKillMe | 19

#5467630 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:52

I mean OP was stoned, so maybe they couldn't think straight enough...

Reply

Ki11erC | 18

#5467637 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:55

Even stoned you would notice heels.

By browneyedgirl52 | 13

#5467565 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:11

No one gets that high off weed.

By kerrwoof | 13

#5467566 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:11

Yes, I'm sure it was an 'accident'.

Reply

ComoEsJuan | 24

#5467651 - Saturday 27 April 2013 17:07

One does not "mistakenly" place high heels on, not mention trek to the store in them...

I'm callin' bullshit, buddy..

Reply

icemand90 | 16

#5467661 - Saturday 27 April 2013 17:16

agreed, accidentally my Ass!

Reply

chowE_fml | 4

#5467770 - Saturday 27 April 2013 18:51

Is this was a marijuana high it was no accident. OP was either on crack or just wants attention

Reply

supportcommand | 17

#5467774 - Saturday 27 April 2013 18:57

I'm calling BS. More and more of these fmls seem to get through. And if it did happen, its because op wanted it to. Weed didn't cause it.

Reply

chowE_fml | 4

#5467777 - Saturday 27 April 2013 18:59

*if

By thew_fml | 14

#5467569 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:12

i'm glad you lived out what was clearly a strong desire in you, and sorry you feel the need to hide your desires under the guise of being too high to know what you were doing. Getting stoned does not make you unaware of yourself - quite the opposite. SO go and enjoy wearing heels. it's ok

Reply

DarkJediLove | 19

#5467599 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:27

Exactly what I was thinking; the truth comes out!

Reply

SHAMUS_the_WITTY | 18

#5467738 - Saturday 27 April 2013 18:22

Yeah. This would be understandable if you were drunk. But when you're stoned your thought process is different, not the thoughts themself.

By limitedition | 25

#5467570 - Saturday 27 April 2013 16:12

Did you also pull out her dress & push up bra?