Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to...

By ThatsNotRight - United States

Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My dog had chewed a hole in the middle of my shorts, and I was standing on a balcony that's located on the busiest street in town. FML

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Animals

Sewer monster

Masterchef 2020

Night terrors

By leilei - Philippines

Today, I refused to ride with a friend on a motorcycle because it is unsafe and went to take the bus. As I got off the bus, I got hit by a speeding motorcycle and ended up in hospital. FML

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By Rose - United States - Tenino

Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML

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28445

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By nicklesg - United States

Today, my car was impounded because I never registered it in California after moving here. In order to get it back, I need to register it. In order to register it, I need to pass a CA smog check. In order to pass the smog check, I need my car. FML

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By Marcus

Today, my keys disappeared out of my car door during the 50 foot walk to the trash can. When I finally went to security after trying to find them, they said someone drove off with my car right as I walked in the door. FML

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2227

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By Brunofk7 - Peru - Lima

Today, I made a multiple choice exam so my friend could practice and get a good grade on his real exam. While I was helping him finish it, the teacher saw it, thought we were cheating and failed us both. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, while eating cotton candy, a drunk person came up to me and said "HEY! COTTON CANDY!" And bit me. FML

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By Snotmyfault - United States

Today, at the age of 22 I started eating my boogers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a schedule in my dorm room that I share with three other guys. Looking at it closer I realized it was my schedule with notes written in all around it. My roommates have planned their entire days around mine so we won't have any interaction at all. I thought we got along great. FML

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27614

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that if I don't clean out the litter box everyday, my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket. FML

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13844

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML

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5278

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By sanoria51 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to explain to my friend that the hot girl he's been sending nudes to and cybering with for the past month is probably a bored, fat-as-fuck, balding male living in his mum's basement. The look on his face after I proved that "her" pictures were fake broke my heart. FML

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46498

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By Anonymous - United States - Bristol

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's a lesbian. And that she could only stay with me because I had a "girly face and voice". She also admitted to having a crush on my sister. FML

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61102

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By -____- - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

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55180

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By airplanes-suck - United States

Today, I went on a plane and was sitting next to a mom with her 12-year old daughter. Apparently, they decided to have "the talk." On the plane, right next to me. I heard everything, and actually learned new things. I'm 35. FML

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39209

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By Chad - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I made lists of what celebrities we're interested in. The first one she listed wasn't a celebrity - it was my brother. He's spending the weekend with us. FML

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35763

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my empty shower running so I could pretend I didn't still live alone. FML

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17653

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By Rejected. - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend of one year when an attractive girl walks over. She asks him, "Is this your girlfriend?" He replied "That depends... are you single?" FML

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49198

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, "Wait, what's this white thing?" It was a piece of toilet paper. FML

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40730

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By 909 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to Lidl to buy the cheapest jaffa cakes I could. They cost 35p. When I was eating them later on I put the plastic wrapper onto the side. When I'd finished eating my jaffa cakes I went to pick up the wrapper... The dog had eaten it. Cost me a £150 vet bill. Most expensive jaffas I've ever had. FML

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27917

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By hitchcock2013 - United States - Taylor

Today, I did my small part to help the environment by hanging my clothes outside to dry rather than using the dryer. The birds showed their appreciation by crapping on the majority of my clothes. FML

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45637

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By ENDmySUFFERING - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML

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By hot_mess88 - United States

Today, I got called to a biker bar to break up a fight between my parents. FML

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52969

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my usually unpleasant managers offered me a slice of cheese cake for doing a good job. I declined, but after some pestering on his part I finally accepted it. I have been violently ill for the past 2 hours. FML

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32571

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By Salaryman - Philippines

Today, I was instructed by my boss to welcome the 2 new foreign business partners since I am the only one who could speak their language. When they arrived I greeted them in their language. One of them scratched his head and asked his companion in plain and clear English, "What did he say?" FML

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38617

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By storyofmylife - Canada - Truro

Today, my boyfriend and I were hanging out when he suddenly said, "Do you know who I think is the most beautiful girl in the world?" I prepared myself for a cute compliment, until he showed me a picture of another girl. FML

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29689

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By Eddy

Today, I was let go at work. About 2 years ago, we had hired an eager-to-learn "assistant" for me. When they canned me, they let me know that I should've trained him faster so I could've been fired sooner. FML

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3856

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By are you kidding me? - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

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13440

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2019 01:00 - Ukraine - Kiev

Live chat

Today, I found the girlfriend of my best friend on a webcam site. I then told him that and his only response was, "Yeah, I know, that's where we met." FML

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1545

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By Kelly - United States

Today, I went to get my underarms waxed. I'm usually not self-conscious because I figure they see worse stuff all the time. When I raised my arm for her to wax my armpit she looked at me, laughed and said "Well I guess that's how I know it's winter in Wisconsin!" FML

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42907

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I have more dogs than I do friends. I have two dogs. FML

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By why

Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

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49077

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By Creep - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

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31670

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By Quirk - United States

Today, in class, everyone read my Creative Writing submission. It was a touching story about the unconditional love that exists between dog and his owner. Everybody unanimously agreed that it was probably about bestiality. FML

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33155

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By eeh - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

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30575

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By nitrok

Today, I started driving with Lyft to fill the time until my new job starts next month. On my very first fare, my car died. FML

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3936

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By Bonecrusher - United States - Sonoma

Today, I was trying out for a position as pitcher for my college baseball team. I threw the ball as hard as I could, and then collapsed to the ground in agony from a dislocated shoulder. FML

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30332

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By Anonymous

Not lovin' it.

Today, a kid pulled down my shorts while I was ordering at McDonald's. In my haste to pull them back up, I hit my head on the counter and was knocked out cold. I woke up on the floor, my shorts still around my knees, in a puddle of my own urine. I had peed myself while unconscious. FML

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4867

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By Anonymous - Canada - Prince George

Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML

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36477

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By Lorena - United States - Kapolei

Today, just three days into a much-needed vacation, my 5-year-old daughter has come down with chickenpox. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that getting an awesome new phone with all the new bells and whistles doesn't mean that people will now actually want to talk to me. FML

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Top comments

By gummibehrs | 4

#511964 - Monday 24 August 2009 22:18

YDI for smoking.

By Jabulls | 0

#50794 - Sunday 22 March 2009 21:51

#11 remember, booty shorts come in XL too.

COMMENTS

By Sipos | 0

#4689 - Saturday 21 February 2009 2:43

Who cares? I bet all the people who noticed loved it.

By Jabulls | 0

#50794 - Sunday 22 March 2009 21:51

#11 remember, booty shorts come in XL too.

thisiscat | 14

#4400176 - Monday 7 May 2012 4:45

And XXXL

littlehippie091 | 4

#5922861 - Tuesday 22 April 2014 17:24

and XXXXXXXL as well

By could_be_funny | 0

#72687 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 18:33

hahaha @11 sad but true

By yellowdevel | 0

#106726 - Monday 13 April 2009 4:08

was the hole in the front or back?

By ct_fml | 0

#108951 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 1:31

smartt

By fuckkkkk_fml | 0

#131922 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 5:31

nice

By FMLlolFYL | 0

#174371 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 19:11

lol sucks for u pal

michelleJ11 | 25

#5622010 - Sunday 11 August 2013 1:03

If only there was a button for that.

Oh wait ...

By prettytappr | 0

#213300 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 3:48

Hopefully your weren't wearing a thong or something embarassing. Or I guess even more embarassing, going commando

Horsempeg | 25

#5544955 - Friday 21 June 2013 6:46

booty shorts are underwear. unless she's referring to realllly short shorts which would be odd

michelleJ11 | 25

#5622011 - Sunday 11 August 2013 1:04

Booty 'shorts' are really short shorts. I don't think OP would be walking onto a balcony that's located in front of the busiest street in town while wearing underwear ...

By lastminuteperm | 0

#369422 - Sunday 5 July 2009 6:16

Didn't feel a breeze? That's what you get for being a smoker.

By itsokaylove | 0

#419640 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 22:04

youareamazing