Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to...

By ThatsNotRight - 31/1/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My dog had chewed a hole in the middle of my shorts, and I was standing on a balcony that's located on the busiest street in town. FML

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Animals

This is us

The opposite of a good idea

Goodbye Bill

By Embarrassed Daughter - 18/7/2017 08:26 - United States - Erlanger

Mom Jokes FTW

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

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By Sam - 19/8/2018 22:00

Today, my 5-year-old daughter innocently asked a lady how much money she makes. In response, the lady bent down and slapped my daughter so hard she fell on her butt and cried. Then she slapped me for "not raising her right". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2012 04:26 - United States

Today, there was a mandatory staff-wide "cleaning party" for a corporate inspection. I was assigned the outside bar which is infested with full-grown roaches with wings. FML

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By Shewhoisprobablyafurry - 3/5/2020 02:00

Going nowhere fast

Today, I have a massive crush on a fictional character. Who happens to be an ermine. FML

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By gahdamnit - 28/5/2010 13:18 - Australia

Today, I tested the new taps in the shower, with my head. Yep, they're strong enough. FML

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By Deadpool434 - 19/10/2014 19:27 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent". I got pranked by myself. FML

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By what the fuck - 25/8/2013 19:28 - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, a customer spent ages bitching me out, because he refused to believe he needed to upgrade his computer, which still runs Windows 98, in order to install a modern game for his grandson. He ended up calling my manager and trying to get me fired for scamming him. FML

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By workerbee - 9/8/2019 12:00

Today, because of a miscommunication with my boss, the furniture I was renting during my summer job was taken back by the movers. I still have a week of work left and nothing to eat with, and nothing to sit or sleep on. FML

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By ineedayob - 18/5/2013 20:36 - United States - La Mesa

Today, I went for an interview regarding a seasonal position I'd been offered at a grocery store. The manager showed up 45 minutes past the scheduled interview time, cheerfully greeted me, and took me back to his office, just to tell me that they don't hire seasonal help. Ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 14:13 - United States

Today, as I was riding my bike, I saw a bunch of cute guys checking me out. Not paying attention, I then ran into a parked police car. Besides getting laughed at, I got a ticket for damaging police property. FML

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By Melaknee - 19/3/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

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By SorryUncleTommy - 1/10/2012 04:23 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2018 01:30

Today, my mother knocked on the door of my room at 7am. I am currently over 300 miles from home, on a vacation to get away from my overbearing family. I told none of them where I was going. FML

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By Chey - 22/3/2012 22:13 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I was learning to drive a stick when a cop decided to pull me over just to laugh at me. FML

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By betterthanhodor - 8/11/2014 14:09 - United Kingdom - Woodbridge

Today, I was getting everything ready for mine and my husband's first wedding anniversary. Flowers, check. Crisp new bed sheets, check. Silk underwear, check. Crippling cramps and an early period, check. FML

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By pacelily - 30/8/2016 20:32 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding upstairs. FML

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By bubblegummm13 - 27/9/2009 04:30 - Canada

Today, I got an email from my University informing me that I was invited to an exclusive dinner for 25 people. As I continued to read through the email, I discovered that I wasn't lucky or special, but that the dinner was for financially unstable students. They think I'm a charity case. FML

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By butterflyzag20 - 28/2/2013 03:28 - United States

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

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By conbon123 - 29/4/2013 07:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

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By Unlucky - 24/5/2010 00:22 - Australia

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

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By disgusted - 19/9/2012 00:42 - United States - Herndon

Today, my dad's recycling went out of control. He now keeps a calendar of my periods, just to remind me to recycle the cardboard from my tampons. FML

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By petty petty petty - 8/9/2017 16:00

Today, my mom yelled at me for fighting with my younger brother. Not because she wanted us to stop, but because my brother couldn't find a good comeback to my argument. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 14:01

All kinds of wrong

Today, while at my friend's house, she had to leave the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I had "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. Then he left. I'm a gay guy. FML

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By Iamlonesometonight - 26/3/2017 18:47

Today, my now-ex dumped me at a house party, which I then couldn't leave, as all my things were at his house, where I was meant to be staying. FML

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By HkxAliso0302 - 3/3/2020 22:00 - China - Beijing

News from China

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

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By idontevencareanymore - 23/5/2014 21:25 - United States - Jarrell

Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML

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By oaksac191 - 26/10/2010 16:50 - United States

Today, while working at a hospital, I told a patient to smile for the camera when taking an xray. His response was, "I have Bell's Palsy and haven't smiled in 5 years." FML

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By kodijack - 25/1/2010 18:13 - United States

Today, I got stuck behind a guy riding his bike 20 mph below the speed limit. I honked, cursed, screamed, and yelled, before finally managing to overtake him. Once I got home, I went outside to get the paper, and discovered that the biker lives just two doors down from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 02:00

Is this dude a puma?

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because I became a vegetarian. Apparently, he doesn't believe in "not eating meat." FML

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By black_pheonix77 - 3/7/2020 02:02

Hi, how are you?

Today, even though I’m not allowed to be on my phone while on the line at work, I texted an unknown number. My manager looked at her Apple Watch. I'd texted my manager while on the job. FML

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By ellie - 23/11/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was walking on the boardwalk with my mom when an old man came up and asked me to marry him. He promised he would buy me a Mercedes if I did. The man was homeless and delusional. My mom told me I should take the offer because it would be the best offer I could get. FML

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By babygirllxo - 13/7/2010 18:28 - Canada

Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2017 02:00

Today, my dog was diagnosed with a torn ACL. This costs $1500-$2500 to treat. Three months ago, he had heart worms. That cost $1400 to treat. I adopted this dog from a shelter four months ago to help relieve some of my stress and anxiety. I don't feel any less stressed or anxious. FML

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By mathhhh - 26/2/2010 17:57 - United States

Today, I missed points on a math quiz because I thought 2 times 5 was 20. I'm a math major. FML

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By bloody good time - 23/11/2019 05:00

Nosebleed

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and he slid his hand up near my face too fast and ended up clocking me in the nose. It is the first time that I have ever had nosebleed while orgasming. FML

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By hmb - 16/9/2010 18:50 - United States

Today, my dog used my stomach as a trampoline to jump onto the couch. I wouldn't have minded so much if I wasn't still recovering from having my appendix removed. FML

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By newbornphotog - 3/5/2016 13:20 - Germany - Berchtesgaden

Today, I finally realized I've spent the last 6 years building a business I hate. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 06:05

Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML

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By Tallulah - 29/7/2011 06:56 - United Kingdom

Today, after eating out with my boyfriend, we went for a drive, but ended up getting into an argument. I reached back to grab my bag and storm out of the car. He thought I was trying to take the restaurant's doggy bag and lunged at me. My boyfriend would rather save chicken than our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML

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Top comments

By gummibehrs | 4

#511964 - Monday 24 August 2009 22:18

YDI for smoking.

By Jabulls | 0

#50794 - Sunday 22 March 2009 21:51

#11 remember, booty shorts come in XL too.

Comments

By Sipos | 0

#4689 - Saturday 21 February 2009 2:43

Who cares? I bet all the people who noticed loved it.

By Jabulls | 0

#50794 - Sunday 22 March 2009 21:51

#11 remember, booty shorts come in XL too.

thisiscat | 14

#4400176 - Monday 7 May 2012 4:45

And XXXL

littlehippie091 | 4

#5922861 - Tuesday 22 April 2014 17:24

and XXXXXXXL as well

By could_be_funny | 0

#72687 - Tuesday 31 March 2009 18:33

hahaha @11 sad but true

By yellowdevel | 0

#106726 - Monday 13 April 2009 4:08

was the hole in the front or back?

By ct_fml | 0

#108951 - Tuesday 14 April 2009 1:31

smartt

By fuckkkkk_fml | 0

#131922 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 5:31

nice

By FMLlolFYL | 0

#174371 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 19:11

lol sucks for u pal

michelleJ11 | 25

#5622010 - Sunday 11 August 2013 1:03

If only there was a button for that.

Oh wait ...

By prettytappr | 0

#213300 - Wednesday 20 May 2009 3:48

Hopefully your weren't wearing a thong or something embarassing. Or I guess even more embarassing, going commando

Horsempeg | 25

#5544955 - Friday 21 June 2013 6:46

booty shorts are underwear. unless she's referring to realllly short shorts which would be odd

michelleJ11 | 25

#5622011 - Sunday 11 August 2013 1:04

Booty 'shorts' are really short shorts. I don't think OP would be walking onto a balcony that's located in front of the busiest street in town while wearing underwear ...

By lastminuteperm | 0

#369422 - Sunday 5 July 2009 6:16

Didn't feel a breeze? That's what you get for being a smoker.

By itsokaylove | 0

#419640 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 22:04

youareamazing