Miscellaneous: Today, I realized that 95% of my facebook friends added me only... - FML

23/11/2010 05:22

Today, I realized that 95% of my facebook friends added me only because they think my sisters are hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 114

You deserved it 4 521

Dementia or hate? You decide

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Time for a change

08/04/2011 22:48 - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's anal glands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 469

You deserved it 4 615

25/10/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me. Completely crushed, I spent an hour gathering up everything he ever gave me. Then he calls back to say how stupid he was and how he wanted me back. I was ecstatic. An hour later he figured out he was okay with his first decision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 943

You deserved it 4 646

Live dumping

By Anonymous - 22/05/2020 02:00

Today, I was having a mass lecture, for 3 classes combined, all microphones muted. I wanted to go to the toilet, so I connected my headphones, and I did my job massively while listening to the teacher. Suddenly, the teacher said, "Oh, close your mic for the love of god." 85 students heard me taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 1 887

22/05/2017 02:00

Today, my dad refused to sign a student finance form to allow me to study my dream subject at university because he doesn't want the government knowing his business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 605

You deserved it 392

09/08/2019 16:00

Today, I moved back into my room, which I'd sublet for a few months. The subtenant never paid any rent and is gone, but she did leave me something: my own underwear on the floor, which she apparently liked to wear, but didn't seem to like to wash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 255

24/07/2009 02:26 - United States

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 333

You deserved it 28 189

30/04/2015 02:25 - United States - Casselberry

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 188

You deserved it 12 236

15/11/2012 01:04 - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 046

You deserved it 2 005

08/06/2019 00:02

Today, I got dressed, did my hair, carefully applied my makeup, sprayed myself with perfume, grabbed my bag and put on my coat. I got to the door, and then realised that I had nowhere to go, nothing to do and none of my friends were answering my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 410

You deserved it 490

30/12/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, I woke up with the flu that causes me to throw up violently until I dry heave and can't breathe. I told my mom I would rather have the runs, and not even a minute later, I got them. So now if I move too fast, I throw up, and if I don't move fast enough, I shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 571

You deserved it 3 963

Misinformation

By Andrea - 04/01/2021 16:59

Today, my brother-in-law declared he does not want to be vaccinated against Covid, because his friend, who is a nurse, told him it could make him impotent. Can please someone remove her from the health system? FML

I agree, your life sucks 717

You deserved it 137

Price of love

By that kind of girl - 02/04/2014 00:02 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, a man asked me on a date. It's been so long, I accepted immediately. He began quoting what seemed like random numbers to me, and it took me a few minutes to work out what he meant. Not only was I mistaken for a prostitute, I'm also worth, at most, $60. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 211

You deserved it 4 928

31/05/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year old man who came up and handed us "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 091

You deserved it 5 625

02/03/2012 05:46 - United States

Today, I found one of my roommate's giant yellow toenail clippings on the counter next to the kitchen sink. When I confronted him about it, he told me the cat must have carried it out of his bedroom and put it there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 632

You deserved it 2 148

01/11/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, it was my big sister's birthday, and I was told the iPod I ordered her online was not coming due to a mix up. I drove to three different electronic stores before I found the one she wanted. After spending forever in traffic, I came home to find a package on my doorstep. It was her iPod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 269

You deserved it 4 016

23/12/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter eating a handful of styrofoam packing pellets, because she thought they were Christmas candy. She's fourteen. What's next, eating rocks? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 231

You deserved it 4 883

15/10/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, I just let out all my feeling for a woman that I have loved for 22 years. When I finished she said "You're so funny" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 565

You deserved it 6 399

19/04/2010 20:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. He followed it with, "Want to try anal?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 549

You deserved it 9 704

30/07/2010 06:45 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I got a XXX wax, because my boyfriend wouldn't go down on me as he didn't like the hair. Now he won't sleep with me at all because I look like a child with no pubic hair, and he "feels like a pedophile." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 272

You deserved it 10 084

Bye bye clothes

By kmjlevesque - 03/06/2020 02:00

Today, I ran out of moving boxes so I used a few garbage bags to pack up my clothes. My new roommate decided to be helpful by putting those green garbage bags in the dumpster. It was garbage day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 571

You deserved it 273

Hit and miss

By KitCatAttack - 11/10/2020 10:06

Today, I told my close friend that I have a thing for him. His reaction? "Oh, fuck." FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 143

04/04/2012 03:40 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I noticed a strange lady following me around in the mall. After a while I began to get creeped out, so I confronted her. Apparently she has to make sure everything she buys is better than what I buy. After a long silence she said, "What? You never noticed me before?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 204

You deserved it 2 399

24/09/2009 09:50 - United Kingdom

Today, the weird receptionist at the hotel I'm staying at asked me if I needed an extra blanket because I "looked cold in my sleep last night". FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 748

You deserved it 2 899

Welcome!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went over to welcome this new couple to our subdivision with a bottle of wine and muffins. I told them I liked what they were doing with the place, then asked them when they had moved in. They replied, "Two years ago." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 505

You deserved it 38 189

10/02/2016 11:57 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I worked from home to actually be able to concentrate and make a presentation about my project. My boss then sends me a long email about how he wants us to work in the office, and how important it is for team building, giving me feelings of guilt for actually getting some work done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 616

You deserved it 1 952

21/11/2010 08:01 - Mexico

Spicy

Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 363

You deserved it 65 592

07/02/2014 14:18 - United States - Lamoni

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 468

You deserved it 21 270

21/09/2016 22:48 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear keyring. I had to explain that although many grown women like cuddly toys, I don't. And even if I did, a filthy, soaking wet bear he found in a puddle on the street is not a nice gesture, despite his suggestion I can just wash it in the machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 926

You deserved it 1 279

19/01/2013 01:32 - United States

Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 138

You deserved it 3 810

26/04/2017 04:00

Today, after not showering with my boyfriend in 3 months, he called me in to the bathroom and asked me to shower with him. After getting excited and ripping my clothes off, I get in and he asks me to wash his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 623

You deserved it 858

Duped

By rippedoff - 04/03/2010 14:09 - Australia

Today, I found out that the man who sold me my car 6 months ago lied about it being "recently serviced" and "in excellent condition". It actually hasn't been serviced in years, and fixing all its problems is going to cost me $900 more than what I paid for the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 173

You deserved it 29 813

05/05/2019 18:00

Today, my boyfriend of 9 years rode with his mother after boot camp graduation. She acts more like a jealous lover than a mom, so I'm currently chasing them all over Chicago in a blizzard, with her refusing to stop the car so he can see me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 914

You deserved it 227

29/04/2012 18:31 - United States - Apollo Beach

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 183

You deserved it 2 982

Please, apologize

By Tytonic - 03/02/2020 14:00 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, my teacher yelled at me for using my phone in class. I apologized out loud, knowing that it would help me get off easier. She was yelling at somebody else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 2 000

11/05/2016 01:23 - United States - Panama City Beach

Today, one of my students stole my wallet. I teach kindergarten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 359

You deserved it 1 206

28/10/2009 19:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 364

You deserved it 38 023

16/04/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. His partly digested nachos decided to make an appearance halfway through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 222

You deserved it 4 622

02/08/2011 04:43 - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 941

You deserved it 2 733

24/02/2017 18:00 - United States - Oak Park

Spicy

Today, I walked into the bathroom at work, and in the stall next to me I could hear someone pleasuring himself. I decided to let my boss know what was going on, but it turns out that it was my boss in the stall next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 027

You deserved it 1 087

25/01/2012 03:40 - Canada

Today, I attended an elderly man's funeral. As I approached the casket his wife said, "Thank you for coming." I replied with, "No, thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 006

You deserved it 30 239

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Top comments

chronicwanker 4

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:07

can i get your email so i can add you? I wanna see if your friends are right

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:31

"National Unfriend Day" was last week, maybe you should have participated.

Comments

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:03

That's just sad! :(

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:21

ollie says "get yo tits out"

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 14:37

lols^

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 15:13

YOU WANT THIS DOG?!??

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 18:56

IT GON' RAIN!

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 0:47

So thats a whole 19 ppl? Im assuming the 20th person is your sister.

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 1:38

lol why wouldn't they just add the sisters ?

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Sunday 28 November 2010 12:21

do u have facebook

tellithowitis 13

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Wednesday 1 June 2011 6:03

the other 5% were people who only added u because they thought ur brother was hot

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:03

ouch!

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 15:53

and the other 5 percent. ppl u dont know im guessing FYL OP

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:04

how did you even find out?

bamagrl410 31

Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:22

That's a good question. Maybe OP just assumed?

chronicwanker 4

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:07

can i get your email so i can add you? I wanna see if your friends are right

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:20

I'm pretty sure you just wanna see what his sisters look like.

shootingstar13 0

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:24

LMFAAAAO nice 1

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:29

olol 5 similiar name is similiar

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 20:33

that's exactly his point lol. he said he wanted to see if his friends are right.

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:26

Why did you accept? It's not like you win a prize for having the most friends. Dump the 95% (how do you know?) and keep the 5% who are your real friends.

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Friday 26 November 2010 6:02

or your mother

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:31

"National Unfriend Day" was last week, maybe you should have participated.

TryptamineDreame 0

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:38

Lol I doubt you "realized" it. You most likely "assumed". Still, I guess it wouldn't have been published had you posted "Today, I assumed...", so I guess FYL for a possible insecurity and maybe a little jealousy of your sisters' looks? Seriously, who gives a shit if it was true? This life we are living is short and it's not a beauty contest. I would much rather be friends with quality people than shallow, arrogant people that these so-called "friends" of yours seem to be..

anorexicbarbie 8

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 16:40

Stop with the quotation marks.

McMan 23

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:42

Uh for once pics or it didn't happen :P

BlackMoon_fml 9

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 16:34

I second that! Show us some pics. ;]

ImBeingLiedTo 0

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 6:44

u show more pic ^^^^^

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Wednesday 8 August 2012 23:49

^ Watch out guys, smooth guy is smooth.

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 12:52

is your name Joe K.?

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 13:09

At least you have hot sisters. Hot sisters generally have hot friends. You might get lucky and one of them might find you attractive and one night when they come home with your sister drunk you could get some. Or... you could always just hide out in your sisters closet and watch your sisters friends in their panties. :-P

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110

You deserved it 360

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608

You deserved it 69