Animals: Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 19:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks to my dog when she's done something bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 184

You deserved it 3 492

Broken heart

I've just got one of those faces

Great parenting, mom

By are you kidding me - 20/10/2014 04:53 - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 878

You deserved it 2 682

Strange kind of porn

By Jeanine - 13/05/2021 20:01

Spicy

Today, I had to admit to myself that recently my biggest kink was watching Sam Seder debate libertarians. My oh my, watching him dunk on them on YouTube gets me hot and bothered. This feels wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 342

You deserved it 711

Last dates

By Anonymous - 19/06/2020 17:00

Today, a guy I've been dating for a year asked me to meet him for dinner and a couple of drinks. After dinner, he confessed that he's been seeing another woman and has decided he wants to seek a relationship with her. He then told me how sex with me is great, but he didn't want me to continue being "the other woman." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 020

You deserved it 208

So painful

By Anonymous - 30/01/2020 03:00

Today, my sister caught me bent over trying to trim my pubic hairs. She took a photo of my spread ass as a joke and scared me so bad, I cut my clitoris. Currently in hospital hopped up on the really good morphine for the excruciating pain. Oh, and the stitches, God, I can't forget the stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 442

You deserved it 394

By Anonymous - 17/02/2010 07:39 - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 177

You deserved it 2 587

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 23:55 - United States

Today, while on vacation, I called my home phone to check the messages. Someone answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 081

You deserved it 2 805

By fuckdubstep51 - 21/07/2012 22:49 - United States - Willingboro

Today, my boss gave me a warning for "insulting our best customer" after she saw a comment on her customer card saying "stop giving this fat bitch free samples." My boss had written it in the first place, but refuses to either remember or admit it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 578

You deserved it 1 771

By AlwaysAwkward - 03/03/2014 02:30 - United States - Strongsville

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 336

You deserved it 9 000

By Anonymous - 21/05/2015 20:41 - United States

Today, I waited tables for the first time at my new restaurant job. I asked a group of older men what they would like. One replied, "A slice of that ass". I'm 19 and a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 929

You deserved it 3 243

Shut up, bitch!

By Anonymous - 03/12/2021 19:59

Today, I went to see Ghostbusters: Afterlife. A family talked through the whole movie, phones on, watching YouTube videos, totally interrupting the experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 556

You deserved it 62

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

By Anonymous - 23/02/2021 10:58

Today, I had to cancel a plane ticket to a friend's wedding, because first he gave me the wrong date, after which his fiancée cut me from the guests because of Covid safety. Instead of paying $600 to be in the ceremony, I'm paying $400 to not go anywhere because the ticket could only be partially refunded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 84

By papertrains - 20/02/2010 15:13 - Singapore

Today, I went to the hospital to get my ingrown toenail removed. The doctors put me on a little surgery table and told me to relax. They then injected anesthetic into my toe four times and used a pair of scissors to slowly cut through my nail. Only, the anesthetic hadn't started to work just yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 786

You deserved it 2 667

By Snuffles - 24/04/2019 18:00

Today, while eating a BLT sandwich, I unexpectedly sneezed a lump of bacon up the back of my nose. It has just taken 6 hours of unpleasantness to snort the lump back out. Not how I wanted to spend my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 869

You deserved it 215

By random - 14/02/2012 18:05 - United States

Today, I asked a good friend what she thought would make me more attractive to women. Her advice was, "Don't be yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 345

You deserved it 3 367

By Anonymous - 06/03/2015 01:34 - United States - Ridge

Today, my wife complained that the coffee grounds I swept into the sink grossed her out. Yesterday, I removed several panty-liners from her soiled underwear before doing the laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 071

You deserved it 2 987

By lil_munchkinjen - 09/02/2009 00:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided that me being bisexual meant that I was "deciding whether or not to be a lesbian" because supposedly, no man will have me. Thanks mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 396

You deserved it 5 898

By Anonymous - 27/03/2009 13:05 - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 972

You deserved it 93 093

By echo - 11/05/2016 18:59 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I offered my friend $150 to drop my girl and me off for at the airport. He's poor, so I try to help him out by paying for rides. My girl being with me, I asked him not to smoke weed while driving. He turned down the job because he needs a minimum of two blunts for the trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 107

You deserved it 1 345

Lockdown boredom

By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 02:08 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, thanks to 10 months of lockdown, the most intimate thing I have done on a Saturday night during this time is use a hobby knife to cut 1/4" thick calluses off my feet. I don't even walk anywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 144

By lyfisdyno - 12/09/2013 00:16 - United Kingdom - Malvern

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a guy wearing a KFC uniform. Hat included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 764

You deserved it 73 846

By Myboyfriendisaromanticslob - 10/03/2011 05:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend set up a very romantic dinner. Afterwards, he offered to wash the dishes while I went upstairs and relaxed. His way of washing the dishes was to scrape all the food off, then wipe the juices off the dishes with a paper towel before putting them back in the cupboards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 347

You deserved it 6 450

By Cellismasher - 04/11/2009 22:37 - United States

Today, while walking to work, I accidentally dropped my $400 cell phone on the sidewalk. The screen shattered into a million pieces. A woman passing by looked at the ruined phone and said, "Now that's what you call a dropped call!" She laughed and kept walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 648

You deserved it 18 433

First dates

By Tytonic - 20/01/2020 05:00 - United States - Havertown

Today, after my first dinner with my new girlfriend, I was using a toothpick when I fell, stabbing the roof of my mouth. She then laughed at me, as there was so much blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 800

You deserved it 386

By Anonymous - 01/09/2009 07:30 - United States

Today, I'm being evicted from my apartment for not paying rent. My father is the on-site landlord. Meaning I now have to move my stuff downstairs into his place and hear every day how I'm a failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 098

You deserved it 45 499

By innocent - 06/01/2015 03:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, my father seems to be having an affair. A used condom was carelessly left on his nightstand and my mother found it. She refuses to believe that my boyfriend and I are not responsible. As punishment I am "no longer allowed to see him." We're both 22 and live together in our own apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 906

You deserved it 3 321

Good deeds

By Muddyidiot - 06/01/2021 05:01

Today, after I was done testing a group of people for Covid, the universe decided that no, the deed was not good enough. On the way to the bus stop, I slipped and had to ride home covered in mud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 102

By Anonymous - 30/05/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, my brother had his hot friend over. I decided to make a move because he was staring at me and smiling all night. So I asked him which holiday was his favorite, Christmas or Easter while I batted my eyes and smiled. Thats when he said, "you have lettuce in your teeth." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 807

You deserved it 47 687

By jjcod - 31/05/2014 09:13 - United Kingdom - London

Today, freshly dumped and at a bar, I focussed my attention on trying to stand in such a way that I looked like an attractive, alluring, confident person. Apparently I forgot how to successfully stand upright and sprained my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 218

You deserved it 10 176

By a - 01/03/2011 15:00

Today, I learned that it's cute when a goat comes up to you and licks your face. That is, until you realize that goat was just eating poison ivy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 802

You deserved it 5 756

By Webmonkey - 08/01/2009 13:30 - United States

Today, I turned around in my cubicle to see the entire marketing department (myself excluded) getting ready to have lunch together. Nobody mentioned it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 198

You deserved it 2 023

By Anonymous - 13/02/2013 05:12 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, working as a waitress, I was asked by a customer, yet again, how my baby was doing. I don't have a baby, but I do look very similar to my 25-year-old coworker, who's a new mom. People confuse us all the time. Unfortunately, my crush, who was standing nearby, doesn't know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 046

You deserved it 2 721

By Lori_ftw - 27/02/2014 03:28 - United States - Oakland

Today, my store manager thought that it would improve morale to talk in hashtags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 821

You deserved it 3 659

By oliveoyl - 23/07/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, my husband, who is in the Navy, had a couple of his sailor friends over to hang out. The stereotype about their swearing is true. My two year old now won't stop saying "Fuck." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 609

You deserved it 5 250

By this is impossible - 05/01/2016 00:21 - United States - Norristown

Today, my dad sat me and my sister down and give us a "talk". More like an angry irrational rant. He forbade us from being gay, marrying a Muslim or a black person, demanded kids from both of us, and threatened to disown us if we didn't. Where's my free will? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 348

You deserved it 2 406

By kiddoc - 26/10/2011 02:28 - United States

Today, I was happily playing with my young niece and nephew. Their grandmother was watching and said, "You are so good with children! Why don't you have any?" My husband died 3 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 865

You deserved it 2 856

Safe bet

By nerdy09 - 19/08/2021 03:59

Spicy

Today, a guy sent me, “I miss you.” I invited him to come over for a movie, but he then said, “I’m down for that, but I expect you to hook up with me.” I guess that’s all I’m good for? FML

I agree, your life sucks 975

You deserved it 194

No more bukkake for you

By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 23:02

Spicy

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room for severe facial rashes. My boyfriend and I then found out I'm allergic to seminal fluid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 206

You deserved it 169

By Darling_Cherry - 02/01/2010 21:22 - United States

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 082

You deserved it 6 908

By Mike - 01/03/2009 02:42 - United States

Today, I spent 300 dollars making colored flyers for my iPhone that I lost. On the flyer I wrote for whoever found it to call me and I would give a reward. I wrote the phone number of my iPhone that I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 640

You deserved it 133 770

By busybee - 10/05/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, I went to the zoo with a guy I like, when we were there we saw a swarm of bees. I told him that if I got stung he would have to watch me because my dad is deathly allergic to bees and I have never been stung. Jokingly, he nudged me into the bush and said "let's see". We did. I'm allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 613

You deserved it 5 812

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:37

does he smack you with a rolled up newspaper too?

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:09

Its not that bad? I mean if it works with the dog why not with you?

Comments

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:03

This FML sounds so familiar!

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:07

Stop slobbering drinking from the toilet and chewing on your ass. Problem solved

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:11

Stop being stupid and bad. YDI for being stupid and bad. If you weren't stupid and bad, then he wouldn't speak to you in the same voice that he does the dog. Anyone wanna gø for inverse, converse, and/or contrapositive?

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:15

(the dad yelling at OP) " Stupid bitch, What did I tell you about shitting on the carpet! You're sleeping outside tonight!"

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:20

I guess you're an AC-130 transformer who transforms into a lolrific human.

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:26

don't vote for Pedro!!!

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:29

My name isn't Pedro and I am not running for president. Ac-130 pic got copied by someone else, not fun anymore!

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:35

you sure look like him!

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:40

Umm thanks? I guess? :D

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:41

no problem.

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Saturday 16 October 2010 0:27

<BAD GIRL!)   

xVictoriaDreamz 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 1:29

lol ur cute(:

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Saturday 16 October 2010 1:50

bohoo get over it.

joseph42424233 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 3:43

nice Job copying someone elses fml and just changing the words. loser

imaginaryvoice 18

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Saturday 16 October 2010 6:32

"No! Sit! Down, dumb dog! Potty OUTSIDE. You go potty OUTSIDE!"

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Saturday 16 October 2010 6:33

why was that moderated? we can't use emojis now?!

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Saturday 16 October 2010 6:57

ydi op.. ydi...

buckin_fitches 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:03

what's ur point?

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Saturday 16 October 2010 0:59

she obviously doesn't feel respected with the tone her dad talks to her in. although it might just be she is bad like the dog hahahah

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Saturday 16 October 2010 1:14

I like your hair!

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Saturday 16 October 2010 1:32

thanks :D

anorexicbarbie 8

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Saturday 16 October 2010 4:23

You look like Hayley Williams! And I love your hair too!

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Saturday 16 October 2010 4:41

maybe it's because your dad considers her a female dog

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Saturday 16 October 2010 5:32

you won't believe how many times I hear that haha! thanks!

MissErikaHart 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 16:14

I was always punished with respect

perdix 29

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:03

Quit being a bitch.

FMLsohardithurts 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:07

I remember you perdix , you're the cunt who had a go at someone spelling "colour" differently, and caused an hour long argument. Fuck you, dickweed,

xX_rawr_KiTTiEXx 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 0:09

ohh I get it now!!! bitch=female dog!!

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Saturday 16 October 2010 0:28

lol whos perdix

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Saturday 16 October 2010 2:11

Stop labelling, and get a REAL picture, asshole. Scene kids aren't different then anyone else, they just happen to dress differently then you, and you can't accept that.

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Saturday 16 October 2010 2:16

chill dude it's a joke. half of my friends are "scene". and stfu like you don't label too. "asshole"

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Saturday 16 October 2010 2:18

at least i have a picture

anorexicbarbie 8

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Saturday 16 October 2010 4:24

51 Butthurt much?

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Saturday 16 October 2010 19:20

WTF is a 'scene kid'?

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Monday 18 October 2010 14:15

A sad excuse for a person.

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 21:31

How is this considered a fml...? Your were on earth before the dog so technically he talks to the dog the same way he talks to you. Either way what does it matter? It's not like he's buying it shoes or taking it bowling so really there's not that big of a problem here dude...

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:05

Is your name Rover too

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:05

Because THAT'S an FML...

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Saturday 16 October 2010 7:26

yay for having a guy brain!

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Saturday 16 October 2010 8:57

lol guy brain= sexsex sexsexsexT.V.sexsexsexsex sexvideogamessexsexsex PS your not really fat just chubby; which I've heard is hot. "things could always be worse, for instance you could be ugly and work in the post office." -Adrine E. Gustto

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:06

lol!

Icyyy 0

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Saturday 16 October 2010 4:55

D:< My dads's talked to me in that voice ever since I remember. He talks to my mom that way too. Meh.

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:09

Its not that bad? I mean if it works with the dog why not with you?

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:12

ha!

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:16

That was the OP's father.

drawing_a_blank 0

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Friday 15 October 2010 23:17

HOW is that an FML? 

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 10

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 2 136

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 192