Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 22:52 - United States

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26877

You deserved it

3945

Tweet

Share

Proactive

No one likes a smart-ass

Fear factor

By Anonymous - 9/5/2012 01:59 - United States - South Salem

Today, I heard the ice cream truck. Being the idiot that I am, I ran down the steps and almost immediately fell down them. I needed four stitches. I didn't even get my ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22975

You deserved it

9524

Tweet

Share

By BaggedDown - 8/5/2014 01:25 - United States - Rochester

Today, I retrieved the wrong luggage from an airport carousel. I'm now the owner of two water-bras, a false beard, a bag of cat litter, and some anal beads. I am afraid to get in touch with the original owner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42891

You deserved it

6265

Tweet

Share

By SoGoodAtLife - 9/3/2016 19:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I gave my boss a ride home from work. I had my phone on hands-free mode, so all calls would come through on speaker. I got a call from the new job I was applying at, with my boss listening to each word. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19220

You deserved it

6565

Tweet

Share

By sup - 1/7/2019 20:00 - Canada - Chicoutimi

Today, I found out why I've had cockroaches in my bathroom - my landlord didn't bother to finish the wall behind my bathroom sink. There are literally holes that go straight from my bathroom to the garage downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1668

You deserved it

100

Tweet

Share

By noname - 4/1/2009 05:39 - France

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She went to try some clothes on and came out to ask for my opinion. "Hell no! That shirt is awful!". She wanted to show me the pants. The shirt was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11992

You deserved it

25180

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 05:15 - Canada

Today, after taking my clothes out of the washer, I noticed at the very bottom of the washer my boyfriend's USB stick I found a couple of days ago. The USB stick contains his English essay, and his novel he has been working on for almost six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14186

You deserved it

32212

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/8/2012 05:46 - United States - Olympia

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40786

You deserved it

3876

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/1/2016 03:20 - Canada

Today, I found out what unwashed, warty feet taste like after someone kicked me in the mouth with one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20139

You deserved it

1795

Tweet

Share

By Anonymos_fmler - 21/10/2014 00:38 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33801

You deserved it

5268

Tweet

Share

By pussystroker - 19/11/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

31129

You deserved it

3969

Tweet

Share

By CarouselHeart - 18/5/2016 20:09 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I got a letter stating that now that I'm in my mid-twenties, I need to start getting cervical exams. The only people interested in getting anywhere near my vagina are doctors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12287

You deserved it

1242

Tweet

Share

By pathetic - 31/10/2009 10:08 - Australia

Today, it's Saturday night, and also Halloween. Instead of going out, I'm sitting at home on MSN telling everyone who asks me what I'm doing tonight that I'm 'going out in 10 minutes to a party', then when 10 minutes pass, I block them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29588

You deserved it

26243

Tweet

Share

By socks - 21/9/2011 07:01 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a woman I didn't know that my husband was killed overseas. She replied, "I know exactly how you feel, my dog died last month." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48694

You deserved it

3327

Tweet

Share

By sad fat drunk - 25/5/2020 05:00

Boozehound

Today, I realized that my one and only motivation to lose weight was the fact that it would take less alcohol to get me blitzed if I didn’t weigh as much. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1062

You deserved it

405

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 2/9/2011 22:02 - United States

Today, my child-hating friend who vowed never to have any no matter what, announced that she's pregnant. I've had three IVF cycles, spent $90k in fertility treatments, and still can't conceive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52473

You deserved it

4788

Tweet

Share

By TCRII - 19/1/2019 16:00

Today, my girlfriend came over, drank half a bottle of Jack Daniels and pissed in my sink. I broke up with her and went out with friends. I met a woman and brought her home to watch a movie. She drank a bottle of wine and puked on my couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1357

You deserved it

3574

Tweet

Share

By gr8 - 28/9/2018 17:30

Today, because I had to leave the country without notice and didn't have reception to notify my college, I have been irreversibly dropped from all my classes without a refund and will have to reapply for January. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2354

You deserved it

496

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/3/2014 20:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I was ordering a pizza over the phone. When the guy asked for my order, I yelled "Hey, you guys wanted pepperoni, right?" In reality, I was yelling this to my cat. College hasn't made me many friends so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45455

You deserved it

8892

Tweet

Share

By crazycatlady - 19/11/2012 16:15 - United States

Today, I realized the number of cats I currently have is higher than the number of guys I've ever dated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23258

You deserved it

18343

Tweet

Share

By usarmywife - 17/4/2017 02:00

Today, at the ripe old age of 27, I dislocated my hip while making love to my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6000

You deserved it

558

Tweet

Share

By StarWarsGeek - 21/11/2013 06:00 - United States

Today, I met a fellow Star Wars fan. We began enthusiastically talking about how almost no one our age knows the good old classics anymore. I was referring to the original trilogy; she was talking about the ones with Jar Jar Binks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42537

You deserved it

7095

Tweet

Share

By Angelofkarma - 25/5/2009 18:05 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

313749

You deserved it

172776

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 00:01 - Australia - Darwin

The Conversationalist

Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1168

You deserved it

350

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/2/2016 03:48 - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18853

You deserved it

6976

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/3/2013 02:15 - Australia - Picton

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

38882

You deserved it

5830

Tweet

Share

By achoooo - 7/11/2009 05:34 - United States

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35289

You deserved it

2899

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/12/2013 06:56 - Australia - Elwood

Today, I got a call at 4 in the morning from the security company, saying someone had broken into my workplace. I drove an hour out there, only to find out it was a rat that had set off the alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43423

You deserved it

3348

Tweet

Share

By 16seconds - 8/2/2010 01:56 - United States

Today, I had to buy a wrist splint for my carpal tunnel syndrome. Not because I'm a computer programmer or some hot shot web designer but because I spend ALL of my time playing Solitaire on my laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7838

You deserved it

33055

Tweet

Share

By Cody - 7/3/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and accidentally broke my mother's vase. I said, "Accidents happen." She replied, "Yeah, like your birth." FML

I agree, your life sucks

103868

You deserved it

21071

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 00:25 - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27006

You deserved it

9151

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/10/2012 15:17 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend that, yes, I can get pregnant even if I don't actually have an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36807

You deserved it

4197

Tweet

Share

By argh - 1/2/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, my mother gave my daughter a behavior chart. I noticed that "drinking beer" was at the top of one of the columns. It's a chart for my daughter to use on me so my mother can judge my parenting skills. I am currently losing a sticker right now for being on the computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34582

You deserved it

4948

Tweet

Share

By ohgodwhyfml - 28/11/2015 14:32 - United States - Danbury

Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28736

You deserved it

3159

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/4/2015 10:52 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I got disappointed when I realized that I had to share a bed with my husband because we had company over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25784

You deserved it

18777

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 17:16 - United States - Surprise

Today, while walking around town, some guy grabbed me from behind, clutched at my nipples, and said, "That's where I always imagined they were." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57028

You deserved it

4272

Tweet

Share

By -_- - 14/6/2014 03:56 - Australia - Elwood

Today, I was confiding in my dad over the phone, after I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. After I hung up and went online, I noticed he'd been live-blogging the whole call on Facebook and commenting that he was considering suicide to escape the boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52344

You deserved it

4935

Tweet

Share

By HotToTrotskyite - 8/9/2009 17:30 - Russian Federation

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

7267

You deserved it

84605

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/6/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5271

You deserved it

967

Tweet

Share

By bunnyyy - 7/1/2011 08:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message. You would think he could at least spell my name right while ending our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36410

You deserved it

3798

Tweet

Share

By eagerbeaver - 3/9/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I figured out that a $40 phone case does not protect your $500 phone from a five year old throwing it off a fourth story balcony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44036

You deserved it

8852

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By aliaysleighbasic | 0

#1554116 - Saturday 16 October 2010 2:10

get her some laundry detergent and an iron and give her the same crap reasoning back about taking care of your clothes... people don't like it when the tables are turned back at em.

By Elphie7 | 0

#1554086 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:52

you're lucky you have floors to mop.

Comments

By aidanawesome | 0

#1554035 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:25

poop

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1554056 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:29

She's getting ready to retire. Hope you can make good sammies!

Reply

Lainett | 0

#1554059 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:30

do you enjoy cleaning maybe? if not fyl haha

Reply

Masenko7 | 12

#1554075 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:46

OH NOAZ

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1554085 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:51

You got a Christmas gift way before Christmas that will make your job quicker and easier and leave you with more free time, and you're complaining.

Reply

FunnyWeasel | 7

#1554110 - Saturday 16 October 2010 2:07

oh no she didn't!

Reply

fritz2 | 0

#1554133 - Saturday 16 October 2010 2:20

I'm first haha gg chap

Reply

fritz2 | 0

#1554134 - Saturday 16 October 2010 2:20

I'm first haha gg chap

Reply

mesnugglez | 0

#1554226 - Saturday 16 October 2010 3:38

At least you get presents =[

Reply

anorexicbarbie | 8

#1554238 - Saturday 16 October 2010 3:41

Doing chores actually prevents breast cancer.

The more you know..

Reply

zerobahamut03 | 2

#1554300 - Saturday 16 October 2010 4:02

You crazy?! It's a Bissel Mop! No fml here. Clean her floors better, ydi for not being thorough.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#1554479 - Saturday 16 October 2010 5:15

yeah and she said you live in "her house"

Reply

riceplum | 0

#1554646 - Saturday 16 October 2010 6:13

u get Christmas presents in the middle of October D: luckyyy

Reply

the_flirtt | 0

#1555035 - Saturday 16 October 2010 8:40

maybe it was a hint ?

Reply

MissErikaHart | 0

#1556689 - Saturday 16 October 2010 16:18

bissell? I thought the made vacuums..? some people have all the luck

By xVictoriaDreamz | 0

#1554049 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:28

lol wow that's messed up.. but I admit I laughed D:

Reply

bryan4595 | 0

#1554305 - Saturday 16 October 2010 4:04

yeah your moms right now you cab finally clean her floors like a real woman should

Reply

ballwiz24 | 0

#2692271 - Thursday 16 June 2011 5:38

"clean her floors" OP? I think you meant "clean MY floors"

By jwc93 | 0

#1554053 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:29

3rd

By jwc93 | 0

#1554054 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:29

3rd

By BigUmbrella | 0

#1554062 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:34

Go tell your mom that it's not your job to clean her floors.

Reply

illmatic2 | 16

#1554063 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:35

Well, apparently it is her job.

Reply

hatemyluck | 15

#5753923 - Thursday 14 November 2013 2:00

I think op meant that her mom got herself a Christmas gift and just said it was op's so that her mom doesn't need to get another gift. That's all I can guess other than op is a bad cleaner.

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#1554065 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:39

Lmao! Look forward to your birthday when you will be getting a steam cleaner to do her carpets haha

By deebo77 | 0

#1554068 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:41

ditto

Reply

landland | 0

#1554072 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:44

lol what I read was "FML, my parents gave me something for Christmas..."

By twinny_sc | 13

#1554073 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:45

Aww how sweet of her. She bought your present early, and couldn't wait to see the look on your face when you got it!

By blackintensity | 7

#1554074 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:45

better get started on those floors

By Elphie7 | 0

#1554086 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:52

you're lucky you have floors to mop.