Miscellaneous: Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother gave me an early Christmas present; a Bissell mop so I can "do a better job" when I "clean her floors". FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Boom, headshot

Munchausen by proxy

By klutz44 - United States - Winnetka

Today, I took my 2 year old to the potty in a public restroom. I was just about to set her on the toilet when the automatic flush went off, scaring her and causing her to pee all over both of us. FML

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By Freelman - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I tried to write a bad review for the fast-food place at which I work part-time. My username made me anonymous, but I forgot to change my profile picture. Now my manager and coworkers won't even speak to me. FML

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By rent-a-cop - Canada - Toronto

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

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By stopstutteringforSiri - United States

Today, I realized I'm so socially awkward that I can't even talk to Siri without stuttering. FML

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By adam - France

Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML

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By GOAWAY - United States - Jefferson City

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML

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By gimpy - United States

Today, I had to cut short my New Year's resolution of going to the gym daily, when the meathead next to me dropped some heavy weights, which bounced and landed on my foot. I'm sitting at home in a cast. FML

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By Todd - United States

Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML

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By happytuckerhappy - United States - Chandler

Today, I set up a profile on a dating app, stating that I'm awkward amongst other things. Within minutes, a guy messaged me. I was thrilled, until he started threatening me because he has Aspergers, and according to him, only they are "allowed" to be awkward. I had to delete my profile. FML

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By whyme - United States - Crescent

Today, my friends and I went out for drinks. I'm the only one who's actually 21 or over, and they have fake IDs. Not only was I the only one to be carded, the bartender thought that my actual ID was fake. I got kicked out while my friends kept drinking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grown up, unemployed boyfriend stole 70 dollars from my wallet and tried to hide it in two different places in case he needed to ditch me and go out by himself. He got angry when I confronted him and stormed out. He feels perfectly entitled. I work, pay rent and buy food. FML

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By lprocter1982 - Canada

Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML

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By PhailedMidterm - United States - Mattapan

Today, I was at the library doing research for my midterm. All of the computers were in use, so I decided to use my laptop instead. Ten minutes later, I was confronted and kicked out. My offense? Unauthorized use of the library's so-called "Free Public WiFi". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, we had a meeting at my job and we had to introduce new ideas to our boss. Earlier, I was talking to one of my close friends who also attended the meeting about my idea. As we start the meeting, she decides to steal my idea and take complete credit for it. My boss loves "her" idea. FML

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By whoops - 10/6/2020 02:00

Exclusivity

Today, I ran into the guy I’ve been seeing. He was holding hands with another girl. FML

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By SuddenlyDogless - Canada - Beachville

Today, my dog has very watery diarrhea. I laid down paper towels to soak it up, and went to get sanitary wipes for the rest of it. When I came back, my dog had dragged the paper towels up onto the sand coloured loveseat. Sand coloured no longer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the Internet wasn't working. One girl decided to try to diagnose the problem. It said to connect the Ethernet cable. She started making fun of the computer for spelling "Internet" wrong. I'm graduating with this idiot in less than a month. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, my mother was vacuuming my room and found a towel under my bed. She asked "why does it smell so bad?" I replied "sweat". FML

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By satanlovesme - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment. While waiting, I pulled out my Cosmo magazine to entertain myself. The woman sitting across from me points and tells me I'm reading "Satan's Manual." I told her I don't believe in Satan. She said, "You'll know he's real when you become his bitch!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML

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By hahahaha090114 - United States

Today, I found out I was getting a divorce. My wife is leaving me for my brother, saying that now that he has money there is nothing that can stand in their way. I recently decided to send him money to help him get back on his feet. FML

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By whatrights - United States

Today, I learned that "Officer, I do not consent to any searches" means "Officer, please handcuff me, I am trying to be difficult" in cop speak. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 14:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Cabin fever

Today, the only thing more unbearable than lockdown is lockdown with sloppy roommates, who do nothing but complain about each other behind their backs to me, and also bring up past events like a broken record. FML

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By Mem - Sweden - Hudiksvall

Today, my neighbor threatened to call the cops if I didn't turn the volume down on my porno. I was only watching women's tennis. FML

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By WTF - United States - Plainfield

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later put on Facebook that, "Today was a great day!" FML

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By wowsucks - United States

Today, I realized that the only reason my boyfriend has been coming over to hang out at my house for the past two months is because my little brother has an N64. I have become a third wheel to their mario kart dates. FML

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By "burnuptowndow"

Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML

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By Otherguy - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann

Today, I was at work for almost two hours today before realizing I had marinara sauce on my face. My coworkers didn’t say anything because I’m really clumsy and they figured it was blood, and therefore not unusual. FML

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By WoofWoof - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

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By issy - United States

Today, while taking a shower in the dorm bathroom, my roommate thought it would be funny to steal my towel, robe, and key. I spent over an hour waiting for someone to come into the bathroom so I could ask them to bring me something to cover up. FML

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By girly girly - United States - Keller

Today, at work, my friend dared me to answer the next call on my phone by saying, "This is your local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it." I did it. The person on the phone was my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for my Teen Living class, all the students got a fake baby. In order to stop the baby from crying, you have to use the bracelet they provide. I lost the bracelet. I have the baby all weekend. FML

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By tracelee - United States

Today, I hit a parked car. I was walking. To make the scene more embarrassing, the car alarm shocked me and I backed up quickly into the parking meter, knocking me down once more. FML

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By permanently scarred

Today, I was assaulted and knocked out by a girl at school for talking to her boyfriend. I woke up in the emergency room. After she knocked me unconscious, she took a knife and carved her initials into my face. FML

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By unlucky - United States - Wheeling

Today, I came home from a four month stay in Africa, where I managed to avoid suffering any serious illness. Some hours after my first meal back at home, I got food poisoning. FML

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By no love - United States

Today, I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend. We didn't have sex and we didn't even kiss. All I got to do was cuddle the stuffed Minion she got me for Christmas. FML

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By musicthief - United States - Finleyville

Today, I saw my music teacher, who I considered one of my role-models, on TV. Too bad it was because she'd robbed a church. FML

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By stdpositivenow - United States

Today, for our 3rd anniversary, I gave my boyfriend a watch, courtesy of Rolex. He gave me herpes, courtesy of his other girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roomate informed me that her snake was missing in our apartment again. Apparently, I need to be careful because the snake's attracted to blood. I'm on my period. FML

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Top comments

By aliaysleighbasic | 0

#1554116 - Saturday 16 October 2010 2:10

get her some laundry detergent and an iron and give her the same crap reasoning back about taking care of your clothes... people don't like it when the tables are turned back at em.

By Elphie7 | 0

#1554086 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:52

you're lucky you have floors to mop.

COMMENTS

By aidanawesome | 0

#1554035 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:25

poop

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1554056 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:29

She's getting ready to retire. Hope you can make good sammies!

Reply

Lainett | 0

#1554059 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:30

do you enjoy cleaning maybe? if not fyl haha

Reply

Masenko7 | 12

#1554075 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:46

OH NOAZ

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1554085 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:51

You got a Christmas gift way before Christmas that will make your job quicker and easier and leave you with more free time, and you're complaining.

Reply

FunnyWeasel | 7

#1554110 - Saturday 16 October 2010 2:07

oh no she didn't!

Reply

fritz2 | 0

#1554133 - Saturday 16 October 2010 2:20

I'm first haha gg chap

Reply

fritz2 | 0

#1554134 - Saturday 16 October 2010 2:20

I'm first haha gg chap

Reply

mesnugglez | 0

#1554226 - Saturday 16 October 2010 3:38

At least you get presents =[

Reply

anorexicbarbie | 8

#1554238 - Saturday 16 October 2010 3:41

Doing chores actually prevents breast cancer.

The more you know..

Reply

zerobahamut03 | 2

#1554300 - Saturday 16 October 2010 4:02

You crazy?! It's a Bissel Mop! No fml here. Clean her floors better, ydi for not being thorough.

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#1554479 - Saturday 16 October 2010 5:15

yeah and she said you live in "her house"

Reply

riceplum | 0

#1554646 - Saturday 16 October 2010 6:13

u get Christmas presents in the middle of October D: luckyyy

Reply

the_flirtt | 0

#1555035 - Saturday 16 October 2010 8:40

maybe it was a hint ?

Reply

MissErikaHart | 0

#1556689 - Saturday 16 October 2010 16:18

bissell? I thought the made vacuums..? some people have all the luck

By xVictoriaDreamz | 0

#1554049 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:28

lol wow that's messed up.. but I admit I laughed D:

Reply

bryan4595 | 0

#1554305 - Saturday 16 October 2010 4:04

yeah your moms right now you cab finally clean her floors like a real woman should

Reply

ballwiz24 | 0

#2692271 - Thursday 16 June 2011 5:38

"clean her floors" OP? I think you meant "clean MY floors"

By jwc93 | 0

#1554053 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:29

3rd

By jwc93 | 0

#1554054 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:29

3rd

By BigUmbrella | 0

#1554062 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:34

Go tell your mom that it's not your job to clean her floors.

Reply

illmatic2 | 16

#1554063 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:35

Well, apparently it is her job.

Reply

hatemyluck | 15

#5753923 - Thursday 14 November 2013 2:00

I think op meant that her mom got herself a Christmas gift and just said it was op's so that her mom doesn't need to get another gift. That's all I can guess other than op is a bad cleaner.

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#1554065 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:39

Lmao! Look forward to your birthday when you will be getting a steam cleaner to do her carpets haha

By deebo77 | 0

#1554068 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:41

ditto

Reply

landland | 0

#1554072 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:44

lol what I read was "FML, my parents gave me something for Christmas..."

By twinny_sc | 13

#1554073 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:45

Aww how sweet of her. She bought your present early, and couldn't wait to see the look on your face when you got it!

By blackintensity | 7

#1554074 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:45

better get started on those floors

By Elphie7 | 0

#1554086 - Saturday 16 October 2010 1:52

you're lucky you have floors to mop.