Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew.... - FML

By yellow_sunflowers101 - 16/4/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my family and I ran into an older man my parents knew. He continually asked me questions like do you play football, have you started shaving yet, etc. I thought he was joking. He told my parents I had grown into quite a young man. I am a girl and he wasn't joking. FML

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Instadrama

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Not gonna happen

By coveholli - 15/11/2014 14:43 - Australia - Perth

Today, I went on a blind date. Not only did his phone go flat before I found him, but we were at totally different bars. FML

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By philderichmond - 14/6/2009 02:24 - United States

Today, I met a cute girl at a dance club. I entered her number in my phone just before she left the club. With a proud smile, I turned the screen towards my buddy, showing off my accomplishment. Attempting to give me a friendly pat he accidentally closed my phone. I hadn't saved the number. FML

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By mean mommy - 16/7/2019 12:30

Today, I was hosting a slumber party for my daughter, but I ended it abruptly and demanded that every child be picked up. Several pissed off parents and a sobbing daughter later, I’m the most hated. I made them leave after 2 of the girls bragged about losing their virginity. They’re 12. FML

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By LAXsucks - 20/10/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I was flying home from LAX when I realized I left my ID back at the hotel. After making phone calls to the hotel and rental car company, I found it and made it back to the airport in time for my flight. After going through security, I realized I left my cell phone on the hotel counter. FML

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By xxruby - 24/2/2015 21:07 - United States - Katy

Today, I worked my boyfriend's shift so he could stay home. I even brought him the free meal I got for helping out. Turns out he wanted to stay home so badly to cheat on me. FML

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By MadWorld - 28/8/2016 17:49

Today, it's been six months since my husband and I have miscarried our daughter who we named Hana Grace. My sister just revealed she is having a girl and naming her Hana Grace since "the name is up for grabs now". FML

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By starbird - 23/2/2009 19:40 - United States

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

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By Ciara - 11/6/2012 20:44 - Ireland - Cork

Today, I woke up to a weird feeling on my face. Thinking it was a bug, I slapped at it. It was my freshly-inserted nose ring. FML

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By stepdaddydoesitbetteranyway - 13/10/2020 20:05

Deadbeat

Today, I found out that my ex is expecting another kid. Not only is this a man who tried to hook up with me last month, he's also the one who, when I asked him to pay child support for our 2, told me that he could just "make some more". Guess he was right. FML

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By fmyactuallife - 3/5/2020 08:00

Sludge factory

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

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By I'm screwed - 27/1/2015 23:46 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, after I got home from a long day at work. I go inside my room and find a life-size cut out of Miley Cyrus. I don't know how it got here. I'm the only person with a key to my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2012 15:42 - United States

Today, my job at a luxurious retirement community was terminated when I ran over an old lady with my work golf cart. FML

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By Oregon - 4/12/2019 18:00

Does it taste good?

Today, while my boyfriend was fingering me, he accidentally pulled out my NuvaRing, he then licked it off and placed it back inside me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2010 12:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I received our gas bill for about £200. My flatmate felt that this was extortionate and therefore phoned up our gas company and angrily told them to recalculate the bill. They did. We now owe £300. FML

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By A troubled ex med school student - 6/2/2013 03:08 - United States - Dublin

Today, I attended my first surgery as part of my program at med school. I found out that when I see someone's intestines, I vomit. Even if I'm still wearing a surgical mask. There goes the thousands of dollars I spent on college. FML

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By Fingkids - 25/9/2012 01:51 - United States

Today, I fell asleep at work and woke up with penis sharpied on my face. I'm a kindergarten teacher. FML

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By teachingsucks - 14/3/2010 18:29 - United States

Today, after a horrible day at school, I went through the McDonald's drive thru for an ice cream cone. Everything went well until I had to pull a sharp turn. The ice cream is now no longer on the cone, but instead all over my hands, face, steering wheel, and the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2019 20:00

Today, I learned that the gong my job installed less than 30 feet from my desk is being moved, due to noise complaints. To the office building I'm moving to in a few weeks. FML

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By :( - 14/6/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I invited over my best friend, whom I've loved for over a year, since she had to tell me "something important". I got excited and thought she was going to tell me she loved me too. She ended up coming out to me, and wanted to know if I would meet her girlfriend. FML

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By sorry... - 2/3/2015 16:31 - United States - Newark

Today, I realized I hate my boyfriend's little sister enough to break up with him. FML

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By scarred - 17/9/2018 15:30

Today, I saw a naked woman for the first time. Too bad it was my 73-year-old grandmother, who was doing gymnastics in the nude. I can’t unsee this. FML

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By nooneatall - 15/1/2010 03:16 - France

Today, I was doing a shit load of sit-ups on my mattress. After realizing the bed was squeaking, I heard my dad laughing very hard from the basement. He thought I was masturbating. FML

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By hopeless - 7/10/2016 20:28 - United States - Annandale On Hudson

Today, I confessed my feelings to the only man I've ever loved. He asked me for dating advice. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2009 17:03 - United States

Today, I was at the park with my autistic son when I noticed a teenage girl imitating him by flapping her hands and walking on her toes. Fed up with children mocking my son, I went over and sternly lectured the girl's mother. Turns out, her daughter is autistic too and will be in my son's class. FML

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By CJune24 - 22/10/2014 21:24 - United Kingdom - Huddersfield

The Great Pretender

Today, I tried to seduce my boyfriend so I mounted him and began kissing him. He immediately pretended to snore into my mouth and rolled over, making me fall off of the bed. FML

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By Motorless - 8/9/2017 01:30

Today, after months of riding a bike through the rain, I finally saved up enough for a car. It was a little aged, but ran fine. That is, until a tire blew out, the engine stalled, and the battery died within one week. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML

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By ohcrap - 8/11/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2018 06:00

Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML

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By - 6/2/2020 18:00

Yes or No?

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

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By Stung - 10/2/2012 14:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I got into a fist-fight with a wasp, aka a Nazi helicopter. Despite swiping at it with ninja-like skills, I lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2015 12:23 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I got fired for having a visible tattoo on my neck. The tattoo in question is a scar from a surgery I had 2 months ago. The same one paid for by my employer's insurance and missed 2 weeks of work for. FML

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By sadlysingle - 21/2/2014 08:04 - United States - Rockwall

Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML

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By bongoboy - 25/4/2009 07:51 - United States

Today, I had to go visit my grandma. While in her bathroom, the floss I was using cut my gum, I then proceded to make sounds of slight pain. My grandma was, at the same moment, walking by and said "Don't masturbate in side of my bathroom you sick teen!" Now my grandma thinks I am a pervert. FML

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By PentiumBawls8 - 20/1/2010 22:38 - United States

Today, while at my job, I walked past one of my colleagues who has been sick for the past couple of days. She knows that I'm a tea drinker and asked me for a tea bag. While conversing with her, I handed her one and left. I then later realized that I gave her a condom. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 05:02 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Can you hear me, Dave?

Today, my dad started Skype-ing with his long-distance friend. They’re both almost 90, barely have their hearing, and can't stop shouting. FML

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By Unknown - 9/2/2010 05:50 - United States

Today, in art class, I tried to attract my crush's attention by slowly sitting down in front of him. Too bad I missed the chair and fell onto the floor. FML

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By snapped - 13/11/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I said yes, and she said she wanted to try to catch her. Later, she pulled out a tooth and put it under her pillow. I came in to take out the tooth and replace it with money. There were mouse traps behind her pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 23:08 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I told the guy I've liked since we were children that I'm madly in love with him. He replied with, "Aw, I love you too, as a sister." I was speechless. He patted me on the back and said, "Better luck next time." FML

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Top comments

By SnugglyBear | 0

#116991 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:09

Maybe dressing the part would help?

By mikey41414 | 0

#117034 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:13

ouch! This guys sounds kind of creepy anyway.. wtf did he want to know if your shaving.. err..

COMMENTS

By SnugglyBear | 0

#116991 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

rwac07 | 0

#965463 - Sunday 21 March 2010 2:48

flat chested dyke?

Reply

PsychoKittie | 7

#5633931 - Monday 19 August 2013 7:35

Thats very rude to say o.o i thought u wanted people to like u not think ur a ass?

Reply

goodwithoutgods | 20

#5934804 - Sunday 4 May 2014 21:26

That would help with identification, but OP shouldn't have to change her style just because old men can't be bothered to make sure they have the correct gender.

By King_of_Kings | 3

#116994 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:09

flat chested?

By Lauriebug | 0

#117014 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:11

hopefully pretty young based on the spelling

so... don't worry, you still have growing to do?

Reply

blankaex | 0

#976513 - Thursday 8 April 2010 16:47

Agreed, very bad spelling. Spelt "continuously".

Reply

MagnificentFiend | 3

#992549 - Friday 14 May 2010 3:12

Or even 'continually'?

By emolove2369 | 0

#117031 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:12

Oooh shit, that sux.

By mikey41414 | 0

#117034 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:13

ouch! This guys sounds kind of creepy anyway.. wtf did he want to know if your shaving.. err..

Reply

angelicdemon101 | 0

#1034961 - Friday 18 June 2010 15:08

I think because he might have thought she was a boy he meant shaving there face. ( Ir whatever it's called)

Reply

Lichinamo | 33

#3963382 - Sunday 29 January 2012 23:40

*Twitches* *Rocking in fetal position*Such......... terrible........ spelling..........

By olephant | 0

#117052 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:14

sheesh...i mean there is nothing wrong with being a "tomboy" type...but if your feelings are offended maybe try wearing pink. lots of pink. and skirts? sparkly stuff? Maybe a purse?

Reply

TardxxxCake | 4

#3165862 - Tuesday 23 August 2011 13:56

Of course close minded assholes like you think girls need to be stereotypical with the pink sparkly shit and skirts to be identified as female.
Go get bent moron.

Reply

Lichinamo | 33

#3963386 - Sunday 29 January 2012 23:43

I agree. I absolutely hate the color pink and own close to no skirts. My clothing consists of the color black, jeans, sweats, and randomly colored tops from Hot Topic.

Reply

nyf137 | 20

#6454644 - Friday 6 November 2015 0:53

I agree with 91 and 95 (though 91 was rather rude). You can't claim that it's okay for a girl to be a tomboy then put stereotypical "girly" things on her. First of all, it's contradictory, and second, a girl shouldn't have to dead in pink sparkles to be recognized as a girl

By krankypoptart | 0

#117053 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:14

Wow! FYL

By maggielynn09 | 1

#117057 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:15

lmao. i'm so sorry!! that's absoultely terrible, but such a great story!!

By King_of_Kings | 3

#117083 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:18

i love #9. that was a great comment

By yes_yes_yes | 0

#117087 - Thursday 16 April 2009 23:19

If you're going to be a girl, look the part!