Intimacy: Today, I was cleaning out my little sister's bedroom as she moved... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I was cleaning out my little sister's bedroom as she moved out and left a huge mess. I found her wearable vibrator. FML

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Buzzing the tower

This is fine

Public transport FTW

By fun_gal - 25/3/2020 17:00

Odd one out

Today, my family said that we're all in this together, so I headed over to their house before the stay-at-home orders go into effect. When I arrived, my brother came out to stop me in the driveway to say they were practicing social distancing. From me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 14:02

Imitation is a form of flattery. Or is it?

Today, and ever since he saw the infamous interview that was on TV the other day, every time I say something to my husband, he keeps quoting, "You can't do that!" and "You don't know that!" at me in Donald Trump's voice. FML

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By missalexa - United States

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

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By CyberHex305

Today, I went to Men's Warehouse to pick up my tux. They mistakenly set the pick-up date for the 30th of next month. My prom is tomorrow. FML

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By psd60 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my dog died and I told my grandfather I wanted her to be cremated. I came home later to find him burning her in our barbecue pit. FML

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By Kevin - United Kingdom

Today, I wrote a fake phone number on my neck to make it look like someone had hit on me. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my dad gave me a twenty minute lecture about responsibility and how lazy he considers me to be. He then yelled at me for not making his bed and getting his clothes off the floor. FML

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By Embarrassed - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my mum excitedly discussed with me the prospect of starting a mother-son YouTube duo. Thinking she was joking, I went along with it. She is now installing a 24-hour webcam in the house to record our conversations, which she perceives as hilarious, and is going to upload them. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I was learning how to start having lucid dreams. She was convinced the only reason I could possibly want to have them was so I could cheat on her in my own dreams. FML

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By Beardedlady - United States - Madison

Today, my mom told me that I need to shave my beard because it's getting too long. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

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By BlazefireSaber - United States - Norfolk

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coshocton

Today, my mom grabbed my phone, said she was taking it because I'd been disrespectful, and hung up my call. I'd been speaking with a work client. This is the gratitude I get for paying all her bills for the past 2 years, all because she's too lazy to get a job. FML

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By Bonnie and Clyde - United States - Humble

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a drunk driver drove his car through my mailbox. He got pissed, started yelling, and threatened to sue me for "putting the mailbox in the middle of the road". If my front lawn is a road, I'm going to have some serious issues. FML

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By cock sauce - Switzerland - Luzern

Today, I snuck out of the house for a night on the town. When I got back, I found all the doors and windows bolted shut. My sister's laughing face at my bedroom window suggests I'll be spending the rest of the night outside. FML

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By jgw

Today, I was certain that over the six years of struggling through my Ph.D., I had culminated in one truly original idea. Until I saw it published in another thesis, from 1953. FML

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By camzzz - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking around when she got lost in a crowd. And me, being a pig, playfully grabbed her butt. I realized it wasn't hers when the guy whose butt I'd grabbed by accident knocked me unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my professor's son died in a car accident and class has been cancelled until further notice. All my friends were delighted and cheered about it in front of me. I was dating my professor's son. FML

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By too bad so sad - United States

Today, as I sat on my couch heartbroken from a very recent breakup, my mother walked up to me and in a very comforting voice said, "maybe he left you for someone else." FML

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By IAMALITAHA - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I had a job interview where I was interrupted for using the word creative because there is "only one creator". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to dress in all black with a ski mask and use my spare key to break into my house as a joke. He though it was even funnier when I jumped out the window and broke my leg. FML

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By reckless - Canada

Today, my dad found my "list". 32 guys, 4 girls. Colour coded as to who I would sleep with again and who I wouldn't, who were virgins, etc. He complimented me on my "organizational skills." FML

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By Karaline45

Today, I bought a new car. Twenty-five minutes into driving it home, I hit a deer. FML

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By hobbled - United States

Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my "Handicapped parking" placard. Guess why I couldn't stop her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother if we were eating supper soon so I could take a nap. She said "no" so I went into my room and fell asleep. When I woke up, everybody was gone. My entire family of 6 went to Olive Garden while I was sleeping. FML

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By fatty - United States - Gloucester

Today, my parents gave me fat burner pills for my birthday. FML

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By Nohearingornoeating

WHAT?

Today, my brand-new digital hearing aid fell out of my ear as I was walking home from the store. I've retraced my steps, but cannot find it anywhere. It cost $2000, and replacement, like the hearing aid itself, is not covered by insurance. FML

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By whoneedsloveanyway - 21/6/2020 02:01

Swindler's List

Today, I found out that my fiancé has a list with every woman he slept. Chronologically. I'm number 23, out of 27. Our wedding is in two months. FML

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By SpanishInFrenchClass - United States

Today, I had a presentation in French class. I was so nervous, the first thing I said when I got up there was, "Hola." FML

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By al - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I had to admit that I hate the wedding dress that I've designed. My wedding is in a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2020 23:00

Appearance matters

Today, I tried thinking of the best way to kill myself without leaving my body intact enough for people to continue to judge. FML

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By FauteuilEver Alone - France

Today, my wife, who is four months pregnant, burst into tears while thinking about the armchair in our living room that we never use. According to her, we're stopping it from living out its destiny as an armchair. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my 14-year-old son was terrified of going into the water near our house, because he was scared of having his leg bitten off by a shark. We live by a lake. I tried explaining why it couldn't happen, but he just cowered behind a beach towel. FML

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By poorman - United States - Derwood

Today, I realized that my 5 year old son has more money saved up in his piggy bank than I have in my actual bank account. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 09:02 - United States - Cody

Those assholes are everywhere!

Today, I found out my wife's sister is an antivaxxer, and my wife is headed that way too. Our first baby is due next February. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I was packing, when my parents told me to put my little sister's toothbrush in the top pocket of their suitcase. The pocket I opened had 3 unopened boxes of condoms in it. We're going to my gran's house, and I'm going to be sleeping on a mattress on the floor of their room. FML

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By canadiankc - United Kingdom

Today, I was at the waterpark. I decided to go down a slide shaped like a funnel. On the way down, my bikini bottom untied. Then I got lodged in a V shape, arse first, in the hole at the funnel exit, exposing myself to the entire pool until I could slither out. FML

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Top comments

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7692445 - Thursday 13 September 2018 9:15

I'm sure it is a bigger loss to her than the bit of your brain you need to scrub.

By lj19717 | 19

#7692404 - Thursday 13 September 2018 6:48

Did you mail it to her?

COMMENTS

By Lonnell | 7

#7692398 - Thursday 13 September 2018 6:20

they have vibrators you can wear?

Reply

Sheepiebeepie | 26

#7692741 - Thursday 13 September 2018 17:43

It’s called a strap-on.

By mccuish | 18

#7692399 - Thursday 13 September 2018 6:21

Wearable vibrators?

By lj19717 | 19

#7692404 - Thursday 13 September 2018 6:48

Did you mail it to her?

Reply

blightsight | 10

#7692642 - Thursday 13 September 2018 14:20

Did you want it? You filthy brony.

Reply

lj19717 | 19

#7693021 - Friday 14 September 2018 0:35

You seriously need to work on controlling your anger. That’s no way to act upon seeing a simple joke. You’ll find yourself in trouble once you become an adult if you continue to make unprovoked insults like that.

By Abbusser | 9

#7692413 - Thursday 13 September 2018 7:44

Does it fit?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7692424 - Thursday 13 September 2018 8:20

Turn it into a wearable butt plug!

By Anastasiia Bogolepova | 10

#7692429 - Thursday 13 September 2018 8:39

Oh honey... Welcome to the world of sex.. It's called strap-on..

Reply

EinVoegelein | 8

#7692611 - Thursday 13 September 2018 13:47

How do you know that? There are more wearable vibrators than just strap-ons.

By Davros | 12

#7692431 - Thursday 13 September 2018 8:49

Did it still work?

By whiskey'swino | 15

#7692445 - Thursday 13 September 2018 9:15

I'm sure it is a bigger loss to her than the bit of your brain you need to scrub.

By Zeatha Mistron | 7

#7692474 - Thursday 13 September 2018 10:01

Blackmail

By nubs | 22

#7692475 - Thursday 13 September 2018 10:03

Nice 👌😂 Did you try it out?

Reply

julfunky | 29

#7692537 - Thursday 13 September 2018 12:20

Rule #87 in life: Never “try out” your family’s sex toys.