Work: Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Townsville

Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one complete fuck-wit anymore. I told him what I thought of him, and then walked away giving him the middle finger. Turns out, he is a regular customer at my new job. Everyone loves him and thinks he's awesome. FML

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Triage

Selfish tit

Buzzing the tower

By eirbear

Today, someone had explosive diarrhea in my bathroom at work and didn't clean it up. I'm the only female in the office and I have only one toilet with no window or fan, so I have to leave the door open to air it out. It's right beside the canteen. Everyone will think it was me. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl. After we finish, she tells me she already has a boyfriend, and that his penis is larger than mine. FML

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By eyes wide SHIT - Australia

Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after explaining to my four-year-old why our new puppy was peeing on things to mark his territory, my son decided to follow suit and pee all over our house. FML

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By Anonymous

Spay and neuter, people!

Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML

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By varunet2004 - India

Today, I confronted my boss for his inadequate contribution in our work. He accepted his inadequacy and apologized for not doing enough. He now expects me to work on everything singlehandedly since he has already clarified his inadequacy. FML

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By Jason

Today, I bought my crush a bouquet of roses plus one fake. The line was going to be, "I'll stop loving you when the last rose dies." I told my best friend and he thought it was such an amazing idea that he stole the fake rose and gave it to her himself. Guess who got the girl. FML

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By wtfiswrongwithher - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

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By RedFace - United States

Today, I was at a band concert with 500 other people. The song they were performing stopped, and I loved it so much I stood up and clapped. Everyone stared, while I slowly realized the song wasn't over. FML

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By spanishgirl101 - Canada

Today, I fell down the stairs, and my uncle came rushing over because he thought it was his 1 year old son. He saw me lying on the ground and said, "Oh. It's you," and then left to watch the hockey game. FML

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By Stixchop - United States

Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML

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By MrandMrsRendon20 - United States

Today, I complained to my boss about how my printer wasn't printing colored ink even though I had just installed a new cartridge yesterday. Upon investigation, she noted that I forgot to take off the protection sticker from the cartridge. Good job. FML

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By Anonymous

Light day

Today, on my 16th birthday, my lightly worn jeans split while I was at school. I attempted to fix them with staples, but I have a metal allergy. So I took my driving exam with a rash on my butt and staples digging in, in a car that had no AC. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked outside, slipped, busted my head, and had to get 7 stitches. Turns out my son thought it would be funny to spray the sidewalk with water last night so it would freeze. He got a laugh, and I spent over $100 on the stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got in a heated fight and ended up being punched in the jaw. The fight was about Harry Potter. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hayward

Today, the priest at my wedding farted. Everyone thought it was me. The guests, my bride, even the priest himself looked at me in disgust before continuing. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

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By StillHurt - United States

Today, I started my job as a consultant at a shop that sells wedding dresses. My first client? The girl my ex-fiancé cheated on me with and left me for. FML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, I found out that two kids were able to, without much effort, convince my 16-year-old daughter that her friend's house was used to smuggle out Jews during WWII. His house was built in 2007. We also live in America. FML

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By heather - Canada

Today, I told my husband that I was going to get a swimsuit from the Victoria's Secret catalog. He replied, "Are you going to get the body to go with it?" FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

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By Hank Gummyworm - United States

Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

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By thanksjerk - Canada

Today, I was talking with my friend-turned boyfriend and cutely told him that I could no longer remember all the things that he used to do that bothered me. He told me he could remember every one of mine and listed them all off for me. FML

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By Annie - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was lying on a couch, reading, when I noticed a spindly leg poking round the corner of my book. Upon realising it was a spider, I calmly and rationally threw my book across the room, breaking the TV. FML

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By homealone - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, after a long day at work, I fell asleep in my living room. When I woke up, I saw a man leaving my bedroom wearing my pajamas, and I started screaming as he casually left. The cops came and apparently he's mentally ill. He truly believed it was his house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while buying Red Dead Redemption 2, the cashier spoiled the ending. FML

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By Helpless

Today I had to tell my girlfriend that we can't keep taking care of her drug addicted dad because it is ruining out lives. We have a 90 day notice to move and I said I won't move to a new place if she is going to have him live there. Guess who is looking for a new roommate. FML

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By Jason - 17/4/2020 02:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Empathy bypass

Today, I worked up the courage to confess my bulimia to my girlfriend of three months. It's a touchy subject for me and I ended up in tears. When I was done talking, I looked up to see my girlfriend's disgusted face. She claimed I had a 'vomit fetish', said I was 'half a man' and broke up with me. FML

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By mcadabax - Canada

Today, during my friend's group's science project presentation, the teacher yelled at me, "Stop making stupid faces at the presenters!" I was smiling. FML

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By Max - United States - Bluffton

Today, I tried to grab a coffee at the McDonald's drive-thru on my way home from work, but as I drove away from the restaurant a kid darted across the parking lot right in front of me. I had to slam hard on my brakes to avoid hitting him, in the process spilling my hot coffee all over my jeans. FML

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By ugh!! - United States

Today, I drank for every year I've been in school. While in my bed I decided I was too drunk to get up and throw up in the bathroom so I decided to just do it on my floor and clean it up later. Later on I woke up and realized I threw up on my $1000 laptop. FML

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By cstokes - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, my idiot son tried to get a veteran's discount at American Eagle because he's "a fifth prestige" on Call of Duty. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, it was the last day of school, and I said goodbye to one of my students. She then told me how to correctly pronounce her name. I'd said it wrong all year. FML

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By LuvShawn - United States

Today, I walked home from a guy's dorm early in the morning, still wearing my dress and heels from the night before. I walked by a mother and her little daughter, who said "Mommy, why is she so dressed up so early in the morning?" and the mom replied "Because honey, she makes bad decisions." FML

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By faye - United States

Today, I got my license renewed and the woman behind the desk looked at me and said "guess we need to update the weight, huh?". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on my first vacation in over two years, due to my hellish work schedule. The Governor essentially just vetoed my vacation with evacuation orders. Thanks, Hurricane Irene. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my parents were awake while I was still in bed on my iPod touch. I decided to play The Smurfs Village. One of its minigames involves shaking the iPod, so I was breathing heavily. Later, my parents sat me down for a little "talk". FML

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Top comments

By Zman2017 | 18

#6338243 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

I have to feel like maybe you were the one being annoying.....

By photogirlinlove | 16

#6338242 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:36

Irony is a cruel bitch.

COMMENTS

By photogirlinlove | 16

#6338242 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:36

Irony is a cruel bitch.

Reply

KatieKoala | 19

#6338245 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

Agreed my friend, agreed

Reply

MyNameIsLaughter | 18

#6338321 - Thursday 2 July 2015 17:59

#4 Pressing thumbs up says that you agree. There's no need to comment...

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#6338332 - Thursday 2 July 2015 18:05

Pressing thumbs down says you disagree there's no need to co-

..hey wait a minute.

Reply

littleking94 | 14

#6338420 - Thursday 2 July 2015 19:41

#33 if you're gonna be a smart ass, don't be a dumb one.

Reply

xDeadlyBlade99x | 9

#6338829 - Friday 3 July 2015 4:39

Lol #38 this could go forever, and is anyone else here wondering what this guy did... did he harass her or just be annoying xD

Reply

MyNameIsLaughter | 18

#6339059 - Friday 3 July 2015 10:32

Dang... I didn't realize how big a butthole I made myself look like. I apologize #4. I'm not really like that, and I'll think more before commenting for now on.

By Zman2017 | 18

#6338243 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

I have to feel like maybe you were the one being annoying.....

Reply

Soloman212 | 28

#6338253 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:38

Unreliable narrators are the best.

Reply

ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6338297 - Thursday 2 July 2015 17:25

Whether or not the OP was the annoying one, it sure was a helluva way to burn bridges!

Reply

Miss_Mandi | 29

#6338428 - Thursday 2 July 2015 19:46

This. This is exactly what I thought.
And you quit your job over the guy. I hope jobs grow on trees over there.

By MandyMeow_fml | 18

#6338244 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

Karma just bit you in the ass.

By DaEpicTaco | 13

#6338246 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

Fyi op at least you don't have to deal with him anymore.

Reply

DaEpicTaco | 13

#6338319 - Thursday 2 July 2015 17:57

I meant FYL lol fml

Reply

mswhatever | 18

#6338326 - Thursday 2 July 2015 18:03

You're a special kind of stupid aren't you? OP now has to deal with him at her new job.

Reply

chinaski7628 | 32

#6338327 - Thursday 2 July 2015 18:03

He's a customer at her new job. She DOES have to deal with him. That's the whole point.

By CommentKing207 | 23

#6338247 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

How could you have not known he was a customer? Do you not have name tags or uniforms?

Reply

CommentKing207 | 23

#6338265 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:44

Oh man I read it wrong. I thought that he was a regular at your old work and you quit because of him. I should seriously stop commenting :/

Reply

danimal_crackerz | 26

#6338536 - Thursday 2 July 2015 22:02

Where you smoking weed (everyday) when you read it? XD

By HUGBUG | 23

#6338248 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

Lol you got what was coming to you, That's karma

By Myo_fml | 20

#6338249 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

Well, I guess the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

By Wolfipoo | 31

#6338250 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:38

That sucks OP, hope you don't get fired from him trying to get "revenge", but good luck at your new job.

Reply

thawny_fml | 21

#6338388 - Thursday 2 July 2015 19:13

Just do what all girls do when they don't get their way. Tell everyone he was sexually harassing you.

Reply

lizgb80 | 19

#6339135 - Friday 3 July 2015 13:08

With logic and sensitivity like that #42 I can't help but assume that you will have your very own sexual lawsuit one day. Enjoy it, I'm sure it will be well earned.

By Econforthwin | 15

#6338251 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:38

Is there any chance the problem is you OP? I'm not saying it is, I'm just wondering. If he truly sucks, you'll just have to enjoy the time he isn't at your new job.

Reply

IridianShadow | 20

#6338516 - Thursday 2 July 2015 21:28

As much as I agree that OP was being immature, working with someone and them being a customer are completely different things.

By knocturne | 7

#6338252 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:38

There's a lot to be said about being the bigger person