Work: Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one... - FML

By Anonymous - Australia - Townsville

Today, I quit my job so I wouldn't have to work with this one complete fuck-wit anymore. I told him what I thought of him, and then walked away giving him the middle finger. Turns out, he is a regular customer at my new job. Everyone loves him and thinks he's awesome. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Sorry…

Walk on the wild side

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home from work going over a railway-bridge, when a 12 year old boy standing at the bottom asks if I could help him carry his bike up, as he couldn't lift it. I did it for him, and was greeted on the other side by his father - who thought I was stealing it and hit me. FML

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By an egg - United States - Livonia

Today, when I went out to get some groceries with my mother, a small girl came up to me and said I was an "ugly egg" because I'm a bald girl. I had to shave my head in order to have brain surgery to relieve me of the symptoms of my neurological disorder. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while helping out at a retirement home, I had to get a book off a bookshelf. When I reached up, my watch got stuck on my shirt, resulting in my shirt lifting up. I just flashed my man-boobs to at least 20 senior citizens, and one of them even asked if he could have a feel. FML

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By Out from Hell - United States - Woodstock

Today, I got so drunk I called my ex-boyfriend and confessed my love to him. All in front of my current boyfriend. FML

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By kimm1993 - United States - Chicago

Today, I showed the kids I was babysitting a picture of my daughter, and the little girl asked, "You have a baby in your belly?" I said, "No, she's not in my belly anymore," and the little girl replied, "But it's BIG," and patted my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous

Happy quarantine!

Today, my kid shot a Nerf dart at our TV and broke the LCD screen. We have at least 11 days of coronavirus quarantine left and no TV. I don’t think we’ll make it without killing each other. FML

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By noneedtostress - Australia

Today, I realised my period was two weeks late and panicked about being pregnant due to missing a pill a few weeks ago. Then I remembered I haven't had sex in almost a year. FML

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By noname - France

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

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By Z - United States

Today, after a large, dramatic fight with my girlfriend in a parking lot, we stopped arguing altogether and hugged, dropping the issue. Twenty seconds later, I accidentally slammed her hand in the car door, breaking two of her fingers. FML

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By too dumb for sex

Today we tried to have sex for the first time but I got so excited my blood pressure shot up and I got a nosebleed that didn't fully stop for nearly 30 minutes. Then when we tried again she accidentally headbutted me. The new bleeding still hasn't stopped and I'm feeling very lightheaded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to take a drug test for my new job, which I desperately need and which took me over a year to land. I got a shy bladder and couldn't pee. They marked me as non-compliant and revoked the job offer. FML

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By trooper93 - Canada

Today, I received a letter saying that I was accepted into university and that I qualified for a number of scholarships. Too bad an equivalent sum of money will be spent fixing the car I hit, after spinning out on ice, whilst driving home from said university. FML

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By allennn - France

Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

I don't understand!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she did not want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2021 06:01

Unreasonable demands

Today, my girlfriend was mad I have so many female contacts in my phone and demanded I delete some of them. Two thirds of them are blood relatives, the rest are coworkers and one is a friend I’ve known since primary school, who is dying of a brain tumour. Which exactly should I delete? FML

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By Perry85

Not my turn

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

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By swmmr - United States

Today, my dad suggested that as an alternative to buying me new school clothes that actually fit, I should just join the swim team, lose some weight, and wear my stuff from last year. FML

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By woundedexwife - United States

Today, I realized why my husband had been seemingly wanting to improve our relationship by sending little texts throughout the day for the last couple of months, asking what I was doing. It was so he could find out when would be the best time to have his girlfriend over and cheat on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML

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By sad trick Or treat - Denmark

Today, I went to the ER to get my eye checked. Turns out I had a scratch in it. So, after sedation, I now need to wear an eyepatch. Too bad Halloween was yesterday. FML

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By fullmoonfml - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to moon people out of my friend's car window. I rolled down the window and mooned a random couple. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I had to get out of the car and pick up my phone and wallet, which were in my back pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got stopped for shoplifting at a department store. They took me back to the security room and showed me the tapes. I was taking my own designer lipgloss that I had bought a month before out of my purse. FML

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By Jackmeister

Ouch

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

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By Why son, why? - United States

Today, for the sixth time in a row, I was driving my kid to school and he made me late for work. Why? He was whacking off instead of getting ready. FML

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By anon - Canada - Goderich

Today, my father tripped over the dog and hit a wall. He was so convinced his arm was broken that we waited for 3 hours in emergency to find out he had a bruise. FML

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By komp6390 - United States

Today, my roommate and I got charged $100 for having a cat in our apartment. I was only babysitting the cat so my neighbors wouldn't get caught and fined. We got caught because my roommate reported the people downstairs for having a dog, so they reported that someone else in the building had a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw an elaborate surprise birthday party for my boyfriend of four years. He thought we were going to a quiet dinner but when we arrived, thirty of his friends jumped out and surprised him. Instead of kissing me to thank me, he broke up with me because of how easily I had lied to him. FML

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By Creeped out - New Zealand - Auckland

Flattered

Today, I was trying on some shoes. As I was bending down, an old lady with a walking frame slowly approached. As she got close she whispered to me, "Mmm, you've got a nice tushie." My girlfriend will not let me hear the end of it. FML

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By anon - Australia

Today, I got a birthday card in the mail from my aunt. I got all excited when I saw a cheque inside, but the cheque was addressed to the wrong name. Not only did my own aunt forget my name, I couldn't even bank the $60. FML

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By Lana - Austria

Today, while sitting at my desk at work, a co-worker asked for my help. It was only after I had walked over to his desk, bent over, answered his question, and walked back to my stall, that I felt a breeze. My tube top had slid down across my breasts, revealing my bra to the entire office. FML

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By Anonymous

Long story short

Today, after I'd been on and off with this girl for 6 years, I finally proposed in October 2018 and she'd said yes. A year later we got a house. By March, she is seeing another girl. And now, we still live together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, my boyfriend slept with my sister. "Accidentally", apparently. FML

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By anon - United States - Bloomington

Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my boss pretty much told me that I'm too ugly to meet clients, and should stay in the office doing the paperwork. So basically, I'm a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame. FML

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By DieTrying - United States

Today, while in bed with my fiancée, I asked her to take off her pants so we could get it on. She said, "No, I don't feel like squeezing into them again." I was cockblocked by a pair of jeans. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

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By nt121511

Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML

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By wo-ow - United States - Bronx

Today, I fell down the stairs and broke my leg. My dad helped me to the car so he could drive me to the hospital, but when he saw our neighbor, he went over and had a 15 minute screaming match with him over how his dog keeps shitting on our lawn, all while I sat in the car in agony. FML

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By EwokLover17 - United States

Today, my iPod came back from repair and still had a distorted sound. I've been through calls, meetings, and repairs with Apple since Christmas, and it still sounds like the half speaker in my old car. Then I found out the new Nano requires you to push the headphones plug in harder. FML

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By lil123 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend wrote a song for me. As he was singing it to me I realized it was actually a breakup song. FML

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Top comments

By Zman2017 | 18

#6338243 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

I have to feel like maybe you were the one being annoying.....

By photogirlinlove | 16

#6338242 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:36

Irony is a cruel bitch.

COMMENTS

By photogirlinlove | 16

#6338242 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:36

Irony is a cruel bitch.

Reply

KatieKoala | 19

#6338245 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

Agreed my friend, agreed

Reply

MyNameIsLaughter | 18

#6338321 - Thursday 2 July 2015 17:59

#4 Pressing thumbs up says that you agree. There's no need to comment...

Reply

Schizomaniac | 24

#6338332 - Thursday 2 July 2015 18:05

Pressing thumbs down says you disagree there's no need to co-

..hey wait a minute.

Reply

littleking94 | 14

#6338420 - Thursday 2 July 2015 19:41

#33 if you're gonna be a smart ass, don't be a dumb one.

Reply

xDeadlyBlade99x | 9

#6338829 - Friday 3 July 2015 4:39

Lol #38 this could go forever, and is anyone else here wondering what this guy did... did he harass her or just be annoying xD

Reply

MyNameIsLaughter | 18

#6339059 - Friday 3 July 2015 10:32

Dang... I didn't realize how big a butthole I made myself look like. I apologize #4. I'm not really like that, and I'll think more before commenting for now on.

By Zman2017 | 18

#6338243 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

I have to feel like maybe you were the one being annoying.....

Reply

Soloman212 | 28

#6338253 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:38

Unreliable narrators are the best.

Reply

ThatOneChick856 | 36

#6338297 - Thursday 2 July 2015 17:25

Whether or not the OP was the annoying one, it sure was a helluva way to burn bridges!

Reply

Miss_Mandi | 29

#6338428 - Thursday 2 July 2015 19:46

This. This is exactly what I thought.
And you quit your job over the guy. I hope jobs grow on trees over there.

By MandyMeow_fml | 18

#6338244 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

Karma just bit you in the ass.

By DaEpicTaco | 13

#6338246 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

Fyi op at least you don't have to deal with him anymore.

Reply

DaEpicTaco | 13

#6338319 - Thursday 2 July 2015 17:57

I meant FYL lol fml

Reply

mswhatever | 18

#6338326 - Thursday 2 July 2015 18:03

You're a special kind of stupid aren't you? OP now has to deal with him at her new job.

Reply

chinaski7628 | 32

#6338327 - Thursday 2 July 2015 18:03

He's a customer at her new job. She DOES have to deal with him. That's the whole point.

By CommentKing207 | 23

#6338247 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

How could you have not known he was a customer? Do you not have name tags or uniforms?

Reply

CommentKing207 | 23

#6338265 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:44

Oh man I read it wrong. I thought that he was a regular at your old work and you quit because of him. I should seriously stop commenting :/

Reply

danimal_crackerz | 26

#6338536 - Thursday 2 July 2015 22:02

Where you smoking weed (everyday) when you read it? XD

By HUGBUG | 23

#6338248 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

Lol you got what was coming to you, That's karma

By Myo_fml | 20

#6338249 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:37

Well, I guess the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

By Wolfipoo | 31

#6338250 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:38

That sucks OP, hope you don't get fired from him trying to get "revenge", but good luck at your new job.

Reply

thawny_fml | 21

#6338388 - Thursday 2 July 2015 19:13

Just do what all girls do when they don't get their way. Tell everyone he was sexually harassing you.

Reply

lizgb80 | 19

#6339135 - Friday 3 July 2015 13:08

With logic and sensitivity like that #42 I can't help but assume that you will have your very own sexual lawsuit one day. Enjoy it, I'm sure it will be well earned.

By Econforthwin | 15

#6338251 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:38

Is there any chance the problem is you OP? I'm not saying it is, I'm just wondering. If he truly sucks, you'll just have to enjoy the time he isn't at your new job.

Reply

IridianShadow | 20

#6338516 - Thursday 2 July 2015 21:28

As much as I agree that OP was being immature, working with someone and them being a customer are completely different things.

By knocturne | 7

#6338252 - Thursday 2 July 2015 16:38

There's a lot to be said about being the bigger person