Miscellaneous: Today, I found a friend's gold ring in some grass after a intense...

By Smeagogole - 02/07/2015 04:30 - France - Villeurbanne

Today, I found a friend's gold ring in some grass after a intense 10-minute search in the dark. As well as thanks, I've now got a new nickname. You can now call me Gollum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 079

You deserved it 3 547

Miscellaneous

Hiding from the drama

One-sided

Compassionate

By backtosquareone - 04/04/2017 08:00 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, after months of searching, I was offered a job. After hearing how excited I was on the phone, HR docked the initial salary offer by 40% in the written contract. She said it was non-negotiable. Guess I'm back to job hunting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 542

You deserved it 456

By CutieBooty - 22/02/2011 21:02 - United States

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 294

You deserved it 35 635

By datingmrpicky - 22/08/2011 03:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't have sex with me because yesterday I ate a sandwich in his bed and got crumbs in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 452

You deserved it 36 781

Keeping up appearances

By waterpistolriot - 23/10/2020 11:02 - Austria

Today, I ordered food for delivery. I actually made it sound as if there were other people at home so I had an excuse for ordering so much. I don't think they bought it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 440

You deserved it 765

By Originality18 - 24/02/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 331

You deserved it 7 839

By catguy - 19/08/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 565

You deserved it 3 779

By gangstalicious - 08/05/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, I got the cell phone bill for my family and saw that my son had gone over his limit by around 1,000 messages. Curious to see what he was talking about that much, I read the messages. Apparently, my 15 year old son is having it off more than me and my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 225

You deserved it 13 534

Train guy

By silenceisgolden - 23/03/2020 01:39

Today, a guy on the train was using his phone really loudly, asking Siri to call a bunch of people, or using voice command to do the most menial things. He was really, really noisy. It's only after I couldn't stand it any more and asked him to be quieter that I noticed the white cane next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 595

You deserved it 1 763

By kids - 12/05/2014 05:17

Today, my daughter was scared to go to the bathroom because she thought there was a person behind the shower curtain. There actually was a person behind the shower curtain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 724

You deserved it 5 613

Horsing around

By Anonymous - 15/07/2020 20:02

Today, my horse, who has been nothing but gentle for 27 years, kicked me right in the knee on my last vacation day. It's so bad, I can hardly sleep or sit down on the toilet. Tomorrow I go back to work, which involves lots of walking, sitting down and getting back up, as well as lifting heavy stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 599

You deserved it 160

By Sarah - 25/08/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 531

You deserved it 10 378

By Danielle - 06/06/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, I stayed at my boyfriend's house after mine was broken into. The robber took my laptop, jewellery, and tons of clothes. When I walked into his house, I was greeted by his brother, wearing one of my stolen shirts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 705

You deserved it 4 052

By fmerunning - 29/06/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, the cable repairman came to fix my cable which has never worked well. The entire time he was talking about how much extra money he got the "fat bitch who moved here 6 months ago" to pay for her cable. I moved in 6 months ago. I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 100

You deserved it 3 436

By Anonymous - 02/09/2013 11:50 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 477

You deserved it 3 563

By Anonymous - 22/05/2012 10:35 - Philippines

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 285

You deserved it 6 578

By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, my roomate's cats pooped on the floor again. He refuses to clean it up saying it will be easier to clean in 48 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 858

You deserved it 2 683

By UnfortunatelyAmusing - 05/11/2013 00:25 - United States - Princeton Junction

Today, I found out that my sex face is definitely amusing after the third girl in a row started laughing at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 181

You deserved it 8 637

By DeeDee - 04/02/2014 22:08 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 663

You deserved it 5 419

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom stall when a man made eye-contact with me through the cracks. I quickly looked away, and about a minute later I looked back to see if he was gone. He was still there and was actually trying to keep making eye-contact with me while I pooped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 636

You deserved it 2 903

Are you kidding me?

By The nice guy finishing Last - 27/03/2017 12:00

Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 050

You deserved it 219

By Shrimpy - 16/03/2019 20:00

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 019

You deserved it 475

Motivation

By Anonymous - 03/04/2021 11:00

Today, I had a job interview today after being unemployed for months. I left early but a stranger's giant SUV had me blocked in for over 2 hours. I called to explain the situation in the hope that I would be given another interview slot later in the week. I was told I clearly didn’t want the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 109

You deserved it 193

By DumpedHisAss - 14/10/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 940

You deserved it 3 734

By jeoak - 30/01/2013 17:25 - India

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 487

You deserved it 2 246

By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 12:29 - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 873

You deserved it 1 728

Little shit

By moneyman22 - 01/03/2010 19:09 - United States

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year-old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 395

You deserved it 3 943

By random - 23/10/2013 22:41 - United States - Amarillo

Today, while working as a paramedic, we got called to an assisted living home. The medical emergency? The woman had a leak in her bathroom and wanted it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 109

You deserved it 2 585

By anonymous - 21/02/2011 05:01

Today, my girlfriend called me and asked me if I wanted to have phone sex with her. We got into it. It took us 13 minutes to figure out my mom had been on the other line the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 831

You deserved it 14 859

By catgirl911 - 13/10/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I woke up to see my cat crawling out my window onto the roof. Afraid he was going to jump to the ground, I crawled out my window as well. I caught him. The neighbors caught me in my underwear and bra yelling at my cat on the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 131

You deserved it 25 058

By Anonymous - 23/04/2012 05:50 - United States - Harrison

Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 082

You deserved it 2 088

By mommy - 23/06/2019 02:27

Today, I’ve been violently ill with diarrhea, and have been for past three days. I finally discovered why. It's because I ate a piece of candy off the recently-cleaned floor last week. My immune system is so weak, it can’t respect the 5-second rule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 824

You deserved it 1 233

By Bushfan101 - 17/03/2010 12:48 - France

Today, the guy I hooked up with last weekend texted me that I needed to "landscape my front lawn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 048

You deserved it 28 682

Record breakers

By DamnDominoes - 10/06/2009 11:39 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I had just a few dominoes left to complete the whole project that I've been working on for about three weeks. I pressed record on my video camera, flicked the first domino, and watched with pride. When it finished, I realized I hadn't actually pressed record. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 894

You deserved it 31 941

By feelinblue - 23/06/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 127

You deserved it 4 491

By Anonymous - 22/06/2013 05:01 - United States - Monterey

Today, my grandmother made a rule that every time we take a crap, she has to examine the turds to make sure they aren't big enough to clog up the pipes. I don't know what's worse: that she looks at my turds, or the fact that she actively comments on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 191

You deserved it 3 604

OCD

By Anonymous - 04/11/2009 13:53 - Australia

Today, I decided to dress up sexy for my boyfriend. I put on cute undies and a corset because they made the most of my assets. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "The colours don't match." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 407

You deserved it 5 722

By Soverytired - 11/12/2014 13:29 - Australia

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 041

You deserved it 3 675

By Hreid254 - 05/02/2016 16:07 - United States - Temple

Today, my dogs somehow pulled the water spigot off the wall in my backyard. I now have my own private lake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 976

You deserved it 1 695

By Cowgirl_Up37 - 02/07/2011 20:54 - United States

Today, I was so hungover, I started yelling at inanimate objects. My mom walked in on me calling my cereal a "worthless piece of shit sent from the bowels of Hell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 805

You deserved it 47 956

By Anonymous - 06/08/2012 19:50 - United States

Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 146

You deserved it 4 422

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Top comments

KingKralj 31

Send a private message

Friday 21 July 2017 2:43

I would have just taken the ring and threw it back.

Comments

KingKralj 31

Send a private message

Friday 21 July 2017 2:43

I would have just taken the ring and threw it back.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 15

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 502

You deserved it 137

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 236