Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2... - FML

By audied - 4/1/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26094

You deserved it

4554

Tweet

Share

Everyone's an expert

Live dumping

You snooze, you lose

By shithead - 18/9/2011 20:17 - United States

Today, my friends and I ran through a flock of resting seagulls. The birds took to the skies and chased after us, covering us in shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9741

You deserved it

50936

Tweet

Share

By thelarkscaw - 15/6/2009 03:37 - United States

Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19064

You deserved it

53366

Tweet

Share

By thehaystackerine - 1/3/2020 12:00

Asshole Design

Today, I bought a slice of pizza at my favorite gas station. Upon opening the box, I found that the lone piece of pepperoni visible through the window on the box was in fact the only piece on the whole slice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1260

You deserved it

249

Tweet

Share

By SoClose - 3/4/2013 16:57 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was approached by a What Not to Wear kind of show, where you get money to buy a new wardrobe. I was so excited that I fainted. They revoked the offer, reasoning that someone who faints so easily would be too much of a liability risk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39134

You deserved it

11221

Tweet

Share

By windshitwipers - 30/5/2013 09:41 - United States - Denver

Today, I found shit on my windshield. I'm not sure if it is human or animal, but it was conveniently smeared all over and even more was placed under my wipers just in case I used them to clean it up. This isn't the first time, and I have no idea who I could have pissed off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52079

You deserved it

4385

Tweet

Share

By woopdeedo_1 - 7/3/2010 19:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39884

You deserved it

3562

Tweet

Share

By ShowerheadGirl - 9/11/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable showerhead. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, 'You too?' FML

I agree, your life sucks

10077

You deserved it

24937

Tweet

Share

By that was mine - 15/5/2015 22:26 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35704

You deserved it

2274

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 14:58 - Canada

Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32216

You deserved it

7538

Tweet

Share

By sad45 - 15/3/2009 05:09 - Canada

Today, I was shopping with my friends and I got asked by a man if I could be in one of his commercials. I obviously said yes without thinking twice. I then found out that he wanted me to be the before picture for an acne control moisturizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64211

You deserved it

10100

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/8/2012 16:14 - United States - Clarksburg

Today, while on the bus, I took out my breath spray. The elderly lady beside me thought it was pepper spray. She panicked and started screaming, which culminated in the man near her punching me in the jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25610

You deserved it

1909

Tweet

Share

By Skoff - 23/7/2015 09:44 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I went out to inspect the backyard. There are now more than two dozen spiders hanging out and webs crossing from one side of the yard to the other. I have decided to surrender this territory. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25988

You deserved it

2906

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, I found out that my "I don't believe in pre-marital sex" boyfriend is the father of my younger sister's newborn baby. After four years of being in a serious, but sexless, relationship, I am now single, horny, and an aunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59657

You deserved it

6145

Tweet

Share

By escortedout - 23/10/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6107

You deserved it

46992

Tweet

Share

By Angry and Confused - 29/6/2013 09:55 - United States - Reno

Today, my house was broken into. The burglar didn't steal my brand new laptop, iPad or TV. They instead made off with every single item of clothing I own. When I went to turn on my TV to try and distract myself from this, I found all of the cables in back missing. The police don't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52970

You deserved it

2939

Tweet

Share

By stop thief - 26/6/2014 15:11 - United States - Aurora

Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43913

You deserved it

6077

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 02:33 - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24280

You deserved it

2302

Tweet

Share

By DumpedHisAss - 14/10/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my boyfriend, who screamed at me for being a f-ing liar and never taking time for him. He'd called my work and knew I wasn't there as I said I'd be. He was right - I was lying. I'd been driving for the past 10 hours to his family's beach house to surprise him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37849

You deserved it

3727

Tweet

Share

By Katz - 11/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3096

You deserved it

394

Tweet

Share

By goodbyeGPA - 8/10/2018 17:30

Today, the first day of school, I went to the book store to purchase my textbooks. Not only did I wait for 30 minutes, but they didn’t even have my books in stock. I was advised to visit another campus 45 minutes away. They didn’t have it either. I have assignments due already. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2709

You deserved it

695

Tweet

Share

By PollingLow - 10/5/2012 15:45 - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32575

You deserved it

2347

Tweet

Share

By steven - 28/6/2009 15:53 - Cayman Islands

Today, I had my first kiss standing in front of my front door. It was really cute, the way you normally think about first kisses. When I got inside, I realized my mom had been watching out her second story bedroom window taking pictures. She put them on Facebook captioned 'My baby's first kiss!' FML

I agree, your life sucks

100935

You deserved it

7254

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/8/2009 17:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's house party. She got incredibly drunk and I spent the whole night looking after her when she was throwing up. In the brief moment before she passed out she said "thanks Matt, you're a great boyfriend." Matt is her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50289

You deserved it

5985

Tweet

Share

By Stingraybeemonster - 7/4/2016 08:51 - Thailand

Today, I was snorkeling when a stingray suddenly appeared when I thought I was just looking at sand. It startled me, so my heel made contact with a sea urchin so that then startled me, and my other foot hit another one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18311

You deserved it

2255

Tweet

Share

By Forded - 1/9/2010 23:11 - United States

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37762

You deserved it

3657

Tweet

Share

By - 25/1/2019 20:00

Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2748

You deserved it

922

Tweet

Share

By Vinny1017 - 7/10/2010 14:26 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father if I could marry his daughter. He smiled, shook my hand, and said "No, now get out of my house." FML

I agree, your life sucks

45310

You deserved it

4807

Tweet

Share

By Gremlin - 24/6/2012 00:10 - United Kingdom - Staines

Today, I noticed that my son only really looks like me when he's straining to take a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22787

You deserved it

3956

Tweet

Share

By Mortified - 22/7/2009 09:48 - Australia

Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML

I agree, your life sucks

51900

You deserved it

17310

Tweet

Share

By Richocet - 18/5/2009 00:35 - Canada

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22086

You deserved it

36215

Tweet

Share

By oops999 - 19/11/2013 19:46 - United States - Downingtown

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to have sex. To set the mood, she suggested we watch a porno she once starred in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62749

You deserved it

9399

Tweet

Share

By overpriced coffee shop worker - 17/11/2012 18:35 - United States - Rowland Heights

Today, while working at the coffee shop, I had to empty the garbage cans. One of the bags gave way, and all the half-finished cups of coffee spilled all over my uniform. Most customers' orders cost more than I make per hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22999

You deserved it

2274

Tweet

Share

By mus - 23/4/2019 04:00

Today, while walking to my bus stop, I saw a girl slip on black ice, then catch herself, and I laughed because people catching themselves slip are hilarious. I reach the same patch of black ice and go flying, falling on my hip and spilling my coffee all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

595

You deserved it

3395

Tweet

Share

By omfg - 8/10/2019 00:01

Addictive

Today, I was introduced to Minecraft. I haven't blinked in 5 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

593

You deserved it

1384

Tweet

Share

By rufusthepenis - 2/10/2011 22:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38909

You deserved it

4794

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 4/5/2016 14:15 - United Kingdom - Saint Austell

Today, I found out that my daughter not only has a boyfriend, but that they're trying for a baby. She's barely 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20590

You deserved it

2782

Tweet

Share

By Paulie89 - 20/10/2019 12:00

Bullshit quack chiropractor on the loose!

Today, I told my family how my wrist has been hurting for almost a week. My aunt’s chiropractor boyfriend then decided he could help by suddenly pulling my hand as hard as he could. Not only did my wrist pop and cause me more pain, but my shoulder got dislocated. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1726

You deserved it

111

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, my sister bought my five year old son a giant ant farm for his birthday. We set it in the living room on a table. I went into the kitchen for a minute, and when I walked back in to the living room, my son was holding the empty case over his head, smiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38996

You deserved it

7912

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/5/2013 10:52 - United States

Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job, I spent an hour selecting the perfect outfit. I hung everything on my bedroom door and went to shower. My dog decided to play tug-of-war with the clothing and redesign the shoes. The only thing to survive unscathed was the hanger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42151

You deserved it

7337

Tweet

Share

By virginat16 - 14/12/2010 11:00 - United States

Today, I got a call from a restricted number. When I answered, it was a prank call. The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33030

You deserved it

7746

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Decipher | 0

#755493 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:02

buurrnnnn

By JD_Knuckles | 0

#755535 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:12

Just be glad you're getting some. There are people with nicer bodies and still haven't gotten any. It's not like her's is any better...

Comments

By Decipher | 0

#755493 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:02

buurrnnnn

Reply

substitutes | 0

#1424749 - Sunday 19 September 2010 4:28

Poor Op

Reply

FMLouis | 6

#5417704 - Sunday 24 March 2013 0:20

There's a pretty simple solution to that. Doggy style

By azurablade | 0

#755497 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:02

first

Reply

pinktiger | 0

#755499 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:03

HA. no ur not. sucka

By Pipistrello_fml | 0

#755518 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:07

Pwnd.

By JD_Knuckles | 0

#755535 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:12

Just be glad you're getting some. There are people with nicer bodies and still haven't gotten any. It's not like her's is any better...

By iankennedy17 | 0

#755544 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:13

azurablade can suck his cock. fuckin noob

By missmarena | 0

#755550 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:15

awe. what a … bitch !
sorry but uh, she sure sounds like one

By DeTard | 0

#755555 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:21

Haha, roll with it dude. In total agreement with #5 here. And since she doesn't mind and you clearly want to, tell her you want to watch her undress (or undress her yourself) and turn off the lights before you get undressed yourself. ;)

By dante0220 | 0

#755563 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:25

u want some ice for that burn... 9th

By luve123 | 0

#755585 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:33

that's soo cold for her to say. but ydi for having sex with a girl who doesn't respect you like you need to be.

By BRiANNE123 | 0

#755606 - Tuesday 5 January 2010 1:38

aww, it'll b all right.