Intimacy: Today, I went to my girlfriend's and she was wearing some sexy... - FML

By Anonymous - 11/09/2009 17:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to my girlfriend's and she was wearing some sexy lingerie. After making out passionately for 10 minutes, I started to undress myself, only to have her stop me, confessed that she still wasn't sexually attracted to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 089

You deserved it 3 982

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Compromises

Our house, in the middle of our street

By welcome to the neighborhood - 28/04/2016 23:35 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I met my new neighbors. The first thing they did was build a fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 563

You deserved it 1 809

By vishurricanes - 10/06/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 775

You deserved it 3 221

By springbreak09 - 01/04/2009 06:03 - Mexico

Today, I left for vacation in Mexico. Upon landing, I received a text message from the guy I've been seeing. It read, "Sorry, I'm not boyfriend material. Have a good trip." I paid 75 cents to get dumped, internationally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 825

You deserved it 5 634

Man vs. Wild

By Marjo86 - 27/09/2019 20:00

Today, I got stung by a hornet. I asked my mum to pass me my allergy medication, but she refused, because they were my brother's, saying "he's allergic to bees and wasps!" No mum, wrong kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 911

You deserved it 93

By bl3ur0z3 - 03/09/2018 22:00

Today, I learned that my new apartment complex does not allow "altercations in community areas". This includes pulling my child out of the pool and reprimanding him for holding his cousin under water. I can't parent outside my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 965

You deserved it 233

By partypooper - 28/07/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, a friend asked me if I could help him set up the stage for his wedding. Feeling honored that he considered me a close enough friend to aid him on his special day, I agreed to help. Turns out we aren't so close. I was asked to leave after I was done because I hadn't actually been invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 370

You deserved it 3 005

By Anonymous - 25/03/2019 11:00 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, i was trying to be sexy and sent my new bf a nude. Before we started dating I had hooked up with three of his friends which he was super insecure about. Somehow I accidentally sent it to a group chat which included five different people besides us. All of those friends were in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 3 953

By "Kaluhaluha" - 14/12/2018 17:30

Today, after having my car back for a few months after a $2,000 repair, I got in, only for it to not start. Don't worry. It's not the battery. It's the engine, which was fine yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 359

You deserved it 214

Go vegan

By Done - 24/11/2020 05:02 - Italy

Today, my roommate decided to go vegan and threw all of MY meats, cheeses, chocolates and even beans for some reason in the trash, because he "doesn't need that kind of toxic waste" in his life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 963

You deserved it 67

By Turdfoot - 12/02/2013 20:15 - United States - Prosper

Today, I discovered that my cat recently had explosive diarrhea, and couldn't make it to the litterbox in time. I discovered this when I stepped in the very, very fresh poop with my bare feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 328

You deserved it 4 385

By ow - 18/12/2016 18:33

Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 613

You deserved it 589

By krh14 - 10/02/2015 12:59 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 324

You deserved it 5 174

By TheThirdWheel - 04/06/2013 19:11 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I found out my boyfriend is bringing his friends on our trip. I'm now the third wheel on the romantic trip we've planned for a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 275

You deserved it 4 890

Death Grips

By Anonymous - 03/03/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I knew my girlfriend's dad owned a security company. What I did not know was that he treats his employees like family, so my girlfriend has about 40 scary uncles who’ve known her since she was a baby, and most of them are ex-military. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 997

You deserved it 353

Pet Store Madness

By I Heart My Cats and Dogs - 16/09/2019 22:01

Today, I was filling out an application for a job at a local pet store. At the end of it, they wanted a paragraph about any pets I had. After a while, I found myself finishing a 3-page essay about them. That's the longest essay I've ever written. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 215

You deserved it 477

By ugh - 01/12/2015 03:52 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, my mother went through my bag and found what she thought was rolling papers. I was yelled at and called a stupid pothead with no future. They were facial blotting papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 574

You deserved it 1 553

Backwards world

By Anonymous - 03/10/2020 03:02 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, my life is so messed up that when I got pulled over, the officer asked about my life and not only did I not receive a ticket, he made me write down his personal number, patrol number and to call if I ever needed a favor or to talk, telling me that I had a friend in him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 370

You deserved it 253

By anon - 03/08/2016 03:28

Today, I was working at the hospital and it was very busy. Unthinking, I told a patient in a wheelchair to "sit tight" while I checked on something. He mocked me for the rest of his stay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 100

You deserved it 2 517

Sticking together

By Anonymous - 14/05/2021 02:01

Today, I was disowned in my family because of the pandemic, after I refused to quit my job and live at my parents house, with them supporting my family, so now no one in my family has acknowledged my existence since August 2020. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 089

You deserved it 58

By Noname - 11/03/2009 07:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, while showering in my dorm, a hand reaches through the curtain and grabs my ass. I hit the person on the other side of the curtain. He opened the curtain thinking that I was his girlfriend. He apologized and he had sex with his girlfriend in the shower stall next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 628

You deserved it 3 592

Double-crossed

By Anonymous - 13/04/2020 20:00

Today, I found out my husband wasn’t really “working from home” in the evenings. He locks himself in his office until the late hours of the night, having intimate Skype sessions with his coworker. That explains why our joint bank account hasn’t seen a direct deposit this past month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 829

You deserved it 149

Nice try

By johnnycomehelpme - 14/11/2014 00:59 - United States - Skokie

Spicy

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. Her excuse? I was the one that had initially introduced them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 935

You deserved it 3 778

By thirdwheel - 15/02/2010 18:08 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend pays my boyfriend to this day to take me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 683

You deserved it 3 157

By footfood - 27/06/2011 14:56 - Slovenia

Spicy

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 158

You deserved it 7 706

By DriveMeNot - 27/10/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I reached into my pocket and found my mom's car keys. I'm a four hour drive away, and she obviously can't come to pick them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 637

You deserved it 7 329

By Eve - 24/06/2011 10:45 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, as I passed my fiancé the pancakes I had just made, he vocalised his happiness with a groan that was EXACTLY like the one he makes when we have sex. So on a sexiness rating, I'm a pancake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 977

You deserved it 10 678

By maxkeyftw - 17/10/2013 05:06 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity fixed for the first time. The dentist showed me the drill and other tools, and referred to them as things like "Mr. Bumpy Brush". I'm 15. She thought I was "special". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 572

You deserved it 4 277

All over the place

By unluckyinlove - 05/09/2021 00:31 - Australia - Ridgehaven

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me and now has a 4 year old, and as he’s told me, we should get married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 68

By siannacasey - 03/07/2011 20:53 - United States

Today, I left my bedroom window open to let in some fresh air while I slept. A skunk got in and sprayed my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 333

You deserved it 8 637

The Graduate

By Anonymous - 06/10/2019 20:00

Today, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. The excitement didn't last too long because I broke my elbow by tripping over a stick at my graduation dinner. Definitely not intoxicated, just clumsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 148

By Anonymous - 03/08/2015 03:25 - United States - Waterford

Today, my friend offered to make me a playlist for the gym. I thought it was really thoughtful, until I started listening to it during my workout and realized that every single song was "Supersize Me" with the title changed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 939

You deserved it 2 226

By SignificantShrinkage - 08/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 839

You deserved it 1 810

By ToiletRoll - 29/03/2015 12:49 - Australia - Frankston

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a poop and as I started unrolling the toilet paper, the whole roll fell off the handle and rolled out underneath the cubicle door. I heard somebody laugh at me. Nobody helped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 261

You deserved it 2 736

By Anonymous - 03/12/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, at work, one of my 6 year old students who has had intense speech therapy since kindergarten, told me "I can tell you're hot, because you rolled your sleeves up." I was very pleased with his articulate sentence, until he said "Your arms are hairy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 290

You deserved it 4 362

By Tooth Fairy - 25/05/2018 16:00 - United States - Hays

Today, I broke a tooth. It’s Friday. Not a single dentist office is open. The good news? I might lose those last few pounds as I can’t drink or eat without excruciating pain. Needless to say, it’s going to be a long weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 603

You deserved it 235

By kacie smith - 16/09/2012 12:36 - United States - Youngsville

Today, my husband and I bought a new swing for our front porch. We put it together and sat down to enjoy our accomplishment. 5 minutes into our swing I threw up several times. I have really bad motion sickness, and apparently a swing is no exception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 648

You deserved it 3 708

Red flags popping up all over the place

By Jackie - 01/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that his best friend of 10 years is giving him the silent treatment because he told her he's in a relationship. He's become a depressed wreck. When I asked him if he's secretly in love with her or something, he flipped a table over and told me to, "mind my own fucking business." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 606

You deserved it 117

By Stigmamma - 13/05/2019 20:00

Today, I asked a hairdresser for an A-line bob. I was left with wavy bangs and hair, which is not A-line at all, it's 1 cm shorter on one side. She says she did my hair right, I just need to "style it properly." Not only is it fucked up, I later realised it's the EXACT same haircut as my mother-in-law's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 630

You deserved it 206

By ConfusedGirl - 15/12/2015 13:03 - United States - Pittsford

Today, I came home early to surprise my boyfriend. I walked into our bedroom to find him in dressed completely in my clothes, and in makeup. It took me a moment to realize it was him and not a female intruder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 053

You deserved it 2 213

By Username - 21/01/2011 03:55

Today, I now know why my next-door neighbour can't look me in the eye without smirking. He can hear every grunt, groan, fart and strain that happens in my bathroom from his bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 141

You deserved it 3 612

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Top comments

Tedet 0

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:27

You dress your hand up in sexy lingerie?

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:14

is she gay

Comments

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:14

is she gay

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:24

Yes, because if you don't find EVERY person of the opposite sex attractive, you have to be gay. Try giving head to Phil Spector.

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:26

Probably not. Welcome to the friend zone, OP. Make yourself at home; you're here forever.

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:27

YDI FOR BEING FAT but really, that sucks, i'm sorry, but there are other fish in the sea.

ireply_w_lyrics 0

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:51

What if he doesnt like fish?

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:55

lolwut_fail, WIN! If head hair correlates with pubic hair in any way, giving head to Phil Spector would involve munching on a giant ball of fur and probably never coming remotely close to genitals.

canucksrule88 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 0:00

yeah but do the other fish taste as good?

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:05

Bigger fish would probably say so.

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:19

why does she consider herself your gf if she isn't attracted to you enough to have sex or see you naked? damn

canucksrule88 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:21

maybe shes a whore that just wants to make out w/ppl?

the_stereotype 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 5:17

i know she doesn't HAVE to be attracted to him, but she really does sound lesbian

Scorpitarrius 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 6:42

same thing happened to me. It sucks...really badly. Manipulativity isn't good, people. Lol

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Saturday 12 September 2009 7:13

and you would know.

daemonsparta 16

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Wednesday 29 April 2015 0:28

#13 how do you know he's fat?

0okm 0

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:14

oooo, ouch man, that sucks, FYL

wow18 3

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Saturday 12 September 2009 5:31

What she really means is that she doesn't find him attractive with his clothes off. She probably finds him hot/cute/handsome from the face but just not sexy or hot when it comes to his body, and therefore she can't have sex with him. I know lots of guys who're attractive from the face and i wouldn't mind making out with them but i wouldn't find them too hot with their clothes off. Simply because i can't have sex with a guy who's either too skinny or chubby at all. OP, sucks to be you. Either meet her requirement or just call it off. Your gf is kind of stupid for staying with you if she doesn't find you attractive, unless she just has no interest in sex.

lolx7 5

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 2:12

maybe she wants to stay a virgin. calm down op don't be mad just because you didn't fuck her

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:16

oh wow... that sucks. (:

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:18

So dump her and find a girl with a sex drive :/

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:18

i'd shoot myself

hithereimcasey 3

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Saturday 1 September 2012 18:46

Says the emo

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Thursday 6 September 2012 6:11

With that picture, your comment doesn't surprise me.. x)

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Tuesday 18 September 2012 20:05

Since your emo, you probably should anyway

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Sunday 16 December 2012 15:42

That is a disgusting thing to say to anyone. You should be ashamed of yourself.

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Wednesday 24 June 2015 7:43

Shut the up. Don't put other people's mind in the gutters

dcea 17

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Sunday 1 January 2017 0:12

emo kid giving advice

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:18

Ouch. :P

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Saturday 31 July 2010 8:57

your picture is scary. :(

baritone1whs07 1

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:23

yeah..sorry to hear that..maybe you should leave her cause she seems like a real B****..

alexgisforme3 0

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:24

lmfaooo

_YDI 0

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:25

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:31

ok Stupid Question-new to FML what is YDI? I know--Im daft!

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:41

Your just a nasty selfish wanker

XOfiestypixie 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:44

werzal, i think you need to learn the concept of trolls next. People who put "YDI for (insert random reason with no relevance)" are called trolls. It makes them feel cool when they say stuff like that because they have even less than a life than the rest of us on fml. Just give them a thumbs down and never EVER feed them...even though it's fun sometimes =)

Ohnothingreally 0

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Saturday 12 September 2009 1:57

Do you think it would be fun to troll a troll?

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Saturday 12 September 2009 7:20

Thanks :) I will :)

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:26

OH ouch bro,, tho i know how you feel good luck on it mine wants me to change pre much everything about me =-=

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Friday 11 September 2009 23:57

And you're still with her? Jeez man. Find someone who wants you for you, not you after all the changes she wants you to make. :/

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 181

You deserved it 97

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 49