Miscellaneous: Today, I'm warning you: never spoon naked with your girlfriend... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 142

You deserved it 1 254

03/06/2015 05:01

Today, I'm warning you: never spoon naked with your girlfriend after eating taco bell. The shartpocalypse just might begin in her ass and end on your stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 961

You deserved it 4 731

Mother of the year

Weird reason to leave, but OK

New life

31/03/2013 04:34

Spicy

Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 617

You deserved it 4 048

01/12/2010 08:35

Today, I tried to fix my laptop charger by fiddling around with it using metal tweezers. Not only did I forget to unplug the cord and shocked myself, I also ended up breaking the charger completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 880

You deserved it 50 915

02/04/2012 02:33

Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 329

You deserved it 2 308

04/06/2011 11:27

Today, I got my beautiful daughter ready to be a flower girl for the first time. A flower girl in the wedding of her father, my ex-husband, and the woman he cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 496

You deserved it 4 096

05/11/2008 07:35

Today, I'm on holiday, but my alarm clock isn't. It rang at 6 o'clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 314

You deserved it 46 982

29/11/2010 00:41

Today, I went in to work to check my new schedule for the week. I searched up and down and didn't see my name listed. After talking to my manager, he decided it would be easier to "release" me than remake a new schedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 947

You deserved it 2 159

07/03/2013 11:51

Today, I went to the store for a warranty claim on my prescription glasses due to little spots that had appeared on the lenses, covering both. It took 2 seconds for the employee to determine that it was hairspray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 526

You deserved it 43 657

06/03/2009 18:53

Today, I was writing an email to our entire company regarding a fundraiser we are taking part in for children and adults with disabilities. I was rushing to get the email out and hit send before I realized that instead of "Best Regards" I had typed "Best Retards" as the closing line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 658

You deserved it 41 645

03/08/2016 03:12

Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Ends up he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 290

You deserved it 961

04/09/2010 06:52

Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 056

You deserved it 3 502

15/08/2016 15:09

Today, I went to the chiropractor for a check up. She was going through some of the ways to help my posture and mentioned something that I've never heard before. My fat ass thought it was a type of food. Turns out it was a sports routine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 562

You deserved it 2 945

Snowflakes

By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 10:58

Today, I bumped my head on a tool box. When it happened, I yelled, "Fuck." I got fired from my job for cussing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 223

05/09/2016 04:35

Today, I arrived at my internship at 7 am after three hours of sleep with a massive hangover. When I got there, my boss told me he had made a mistake and I was meant to come in next week. He then said, "Well, now that you're here, you might as well get some work done. Come in next week as well." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 107

You deserved it 15 133

Assumptions

By navi - 11/03/2021 11:01

Today, my dad once again had to help me with my technological issues. Isn’t it usually the other way around? FML

I agree, your life sucks 520

You deserved it 383

22/07/2009 17:13

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 128

You deserved it 17 481

Relaxed

By sarabellekitty - 21/10/2019 04:00

Spicy

Today, I was having really great sex with my boyfriend. I was on top and he seemed like he was really enjoying it. Then, I realized he'd fallen asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 808

You deserved it 313

21/01/2016 13:08

Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 166

You deserved it 1 686

10/03/2009 23:03

Today, I was pulled over because I looked like a possible suspect for a robbery. While searching me, the police's radio went off and the person on the other line said, "Possible suspect, 5'5", thin" - the officer stopped right then and murmured, "too short and fat" and walked back to his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 439

You deserved it 4 829

15/10/2009 06:19

Today, I realized that my virus protection program now has a virus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 977

You deserved it 5 081

Sneaking around

By Katlego Maduma - 23/03/2021 22:59

Spicy

Today, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me with his girl bestie for 4 years. I also found out he's been having threesomes with his male bestie. Both people have been around me and my family this entire time. We've been married for 15 years. Joke's on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 006

You deserved it 125

08/10/2011 15:36

Today, I decided to make home made french fries. I figured all I needed was potatoes and salt, right? Wrong! I also needed the fire department and an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 573

You deserved it 28 253

15/11/2009 18:28

Spicy

Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 863

You deserved it 23 697

14/08/2013 09:11

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 144

You deserved it 6 820

05/09/2015 05:56

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 896

You deserved it 9 957

05/01/2012 04:18

Today, I found my missing shoe. It hit me as it fell out the tree in our front yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 139

You deserved it 4 568

04/03/2010 08:52

Today, I marched into my workplace yelling "take this job and shove it", under the impression I would be on a flight in a few days out of here. However, the airline has informed me I cannot fly until April because cargo is too cold for my dog this time of year. Jobless, four weeks to wait. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 261

You deserved it 37 296

10/03/2010 06:11

Today, I was using a power drill to take down the set for the musical we just finished. My long hair got caught in the drill, got ripped out and now I have a hurting, bleeding bald spot the size of 2 quarters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 458

You deserved it 14 372

25/12/2016 01:01

Today, Christmas Eve, I told my wife she has three presents to choose from: one large, one small and one tiny. She immediately responded, "is the tiny one in your pants?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 635

You deserved it 2 166

07/12/2012 00:19

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 435

You deserved it 2 009

16/09/2011 17:18

Today, I had a graded performance in my drama class. I had to play a murderer in an interrogation room. I got really into it and started pounding on the windows to try to "escape". The thin glass smashed. Four hours in casualty, stitches and plastic surgery pretty much sum up my mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 306

You deserved it 9 308

01/09/2011 06:22

Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 361

You deserved it 2 097

20/10/2011 08:26

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 277

You deserved it 19 798

04/08/2015 20:56

Today, while shaving in the shower, my mother banged on the bathroom door to tell me something, right as I went to shave under my left armpit, causing me to jump and cut open my nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 559

You deserved it 2 039

10/04/2012 14:39

Today, it was the only time in my life that I have ever received an A+ for something. Thank you, eBay buyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 723

You deserved it 19 847

19/04/2012 18:45

Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 408

You deserved it 3 937

22/06/2011 04:59

Today, my dad informed me that I will be staying in the bug-infested shed for the summer when I come to visit, due to his girlfriend's sewing workspace completely taking over the only room I've ever had at his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 698

You deserved it 2 592

07/03/2016 04:35

Today, I was given a $100 cookbook as a gift by a co-worker. The man who shares a desk with me didn't realise it was mine, as he was at lunch when I got it, so he decided to give it to my boss when he walked in. My boss is refusing to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 109

You deserved it 1 445

Badmouth Strikes Again

By Melissa - 08/03/2020 14:00

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 305

You deserved it 137

21/08/2013 07:18

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 872

You deserved it 3 660

22/07/2009 04:12

Today, I had a fight with my little sister. Later she apologized and made me dinner to make up for it. I thought it was pretty good until I found out that instead of using Parmesan cheese in the recipe, she used foot shavings from her Ped Egg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 128

You deserved it 6 912

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Top comments

ThatTennisKid14 13

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:04

That takes "shitty sex life" to a whole new level

BreM16 23

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:07

Oh my.. I bet she felt really bad! Well I guess now you guys could take a shower together instead

Comments

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:04

And here comes all the shit puns/jokes..

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:54

The fact that people say that one line more often then people actually say puns is a real bother.

ColonelCusswords 24

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Thursday 4 June 2015 3:06

what a shitty comment

ColonelCusswords 24

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Thursday 4 June 2015 3:07

sorry, i have a shit attitude

ColonelCusswords 24

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Thursday 4 June 2015 3:09

i literally aint got any other shit to do right now

ughed 14

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Thursday 4 June 2015 4:50

that was a shitty attempt at puns, #52

ColonelCusswords 24

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Thursday 4 June 2015 7:09

well shit... you hurt me bud...

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Thursday 4 June 2015 13:38

more like ""taco hell"" am I right though.

ThatTennisKid14 13

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:04

That takes "shitty sex life" to a whole new level

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Thursday 4 June 2015 13:10

Just the wrong crowd. Some people like brown showers

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Friday 5 June 2015 5:09

Really? You're getting away with a 'shitty' pun? Why would the fml community let you do that. That merits fml capital pun-ishment, the ban hammer.

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Saturday 6 June 2015 12:44

Yeah, #100 not sure why this got a top comment... First time I've ever seen a shit pun not get down voted on any internet site.

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:05

Well what did you expect?

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Thursday 4 June 2015 3:32

Idk about you, but I have never shitted my bowels onto another human being after eating Taco Bell.

slingerslasher 24

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Thursday 4 June 2015 3:55

#53 better rethink your life goals then

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Thursday 4 June 2015 6:09

I'm guessing OP was assuminh his gf would go to the bathroom if she felt her stomach wretch. If you care about the person you're with you would not risk that

bluefairy_fml 24

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Thursday 4 June 2015 9:10

Sometimes you just can't make it to the bathroom in time. I'm sure OP's girlfriend did not actually mean to "shart" on him and the bed. Of course she would have prefered to do it in the toilet if she could.

longhorn_cowgirl 4

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Friday 5 June 2015 6:38

Sometimes you really can't tell if it's a fart or a shart...but if you're naked and especially naked and against someone, I don't really know why you'd risk it!

Thursday 4 June 2015 0:05

I was gonna make an anal joke, butt fuck it..get it?

Senseless_487 29

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Thursday 4 June 2015 1:37

Yes, we get it. I'll show you the door.

freddygasman 18

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Thursday 4 June 2015 2:57

maybe the...............back door.

ColonelCusswords 24

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Thursday 4 June 2015 3:02

thanks for that

countryrose92 23

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Thursday 4 June 2015 5:10

46, you cracked me up. Lol. Idk why that shit was so funny, but it was. Thanms

BreM16 23

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:07

Oh my.. I bet she felt really bad! Well I guess now you guys could take a shower together instead

freddygasman 18

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Thursday 4 June 2015 3:01

she felt relieved, but bad.

Brandi_Faith 33

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Thursday 4 June 2015 6:20

I can't even imagine how embarrassed she was! And definitely don't take a shower with her, that shower may not end well either. Best thing you can do is stay away from any nakedness on her part, away from the bathroom (so it's available when she needs it), and never mention the situation again. I'm sure she's incredibly humiliated. Poor girl.

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Thursday 4 June 2015 7:49

^mhm, feel sorry for the girl when the guy gets the punishment. F her life and not OPs because she's embarrassed. I see how It is.

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Thursday 4 June 2015 21:59

Way to see the positive in everything. A personal virtue that is diminishing from this earth day by day...

yoursucklives 36

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:09

hahaha shartpocalypse, interesting word combination. i can't begin to imagine how mortified she must have been. i'm sorry for both of you.

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Thursday 4 June 2015 5:01

Truly

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:10

I guess you irritate the shit out of her?!?!

ASeeR 14

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:13

try to ignite a lighter while she doing it ...

MrSassypants 32

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:49

Because the first thought that comes to mind when you someone accidentally shits on your stomach is "I should light this on fire."

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Thursday 4 June 2015 5:44

25: Well it would kill all the enteral bacteria, I guess. :x

RickySleeves 20

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:15

Taco Bell is worth it.

ColonelCusswords 24

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Thursday 4 June 2015 0:15

Well look at the bright side, at least you were only spooning naked and not doing more intimate things naked.

Epikatz 22

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Thursday 4 June 2015 1:15

Why is this the bright side, exactly?...

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Thursday 4 June 2015 2:31

Like fucking her right in the pussy?

ColonelCusswords 24

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Thursday 4 June 2015 3:01

Fucking her right in the pussy is a great example of something you dont want to be doing as the shartpocalypse begins

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Thursday 4 June 2015 7:51

yea but if you're having sex, the shart won't be on you unless you're trying something else...

greekk 21

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Thursday 4 June 2015 9:39

doggy style #11