By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 04:58

The runs

Today, I woke up next to my wife at my in-laws. It was all set to be a beautiful morning when we got serves breakfast in bed, until my mother in-law started pointing at the big shit stain running from my ass and on to the sheets. Never trust a fart, especially when you're sleeping. FML

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Late term

BO Central

And today, on Dr Phil…

By Anonymous - Iraq

Today, I had to pull guard duty. I had to guard the latrine because somebody likes to stuff whole toilet paper rolls in the toilet to clog it. Only six more months in Iraq. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my guy friends actually hang out with me at my house all the time is because they think my mom is hot. FML

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By Giselle - 14/5/2021 14:01

Customers…

Today, two girls walked into the clothing store I work in. One of them pulled a shirt from the bottom of a huge stack, knocking it down. One of them asks, "Aren’t your gonna put the stack back together?" The other says, "No, that bitch gets paid to clean that shit up." FML

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By meganisabella - United States

Today, I went driving for the first time. I made it twenty miles to my step mom's house, and didn't stop until I was inside the garage. Too bad the garage door was closed when I got there. FML

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By Kayleigh - 16/3/2021 21:59 - United Kingdom

Mixing it up

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his dad's ex-girlfriend. FML

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By bronco_lover89 - United States - Essexville

Today, after months of using the empty driveway across the street from my house, a note was placed under my windshield wiper. It read, "Please stop parking in my driveway. P.S. You’re hot. Are you single?" FML

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By Anonymous

Alarmed

Today, after 5 hours of attempting to sleep, I began to finally drift off. Then, some fuckwit who'd parked his car right outside my door took 20 minutes to switch his alarm off. I have to be up in about 4 hours, after a 12-hour night shift, heading into another. FML

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By jnisla - United States - Conway

Today, I had horrible morning sickness, but being starving, I had some canned soup. My husband soon came into the room and commented on how the leeks in the soup looked like chunks of vomit. The visual caused me to vomit all over the table. FML

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By wekasdjkasldasdkasdzcawqe - Sweden

Today, my mother yelled and yelled at me until I apologized to our cat for not petting him when he sat on my lap. FML

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By "Sam Fazackerley"

What a shame!

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet while sitting on it using the phone, I have a stomach bug and diarrhea. FML

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By BlueyedKat - United States - Huntsville

Today, I found out that the money I spent on a very specific degree was wasted, because apparently, I don't qualify for a job at the place that told me I had to have that degree. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irving

Today, my mother in law accidentally cc'd me on an email she was sending to my husband, telling him that his youth is fleeting and that he should leave me while he still has time. FML

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By cnd1213 - United States

Today, I had to do my assistant manager's job because she doesn't know what the hell she is doing. I'd interviewed for this position but didn't get it because I'm "still too new for this position." FML

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By nobrows - United States - Malvern

Today, my sister gave me a makeover. I protested, but she insisted it'd look great. After an eternity of eyebrow plucking, she handed me the mirror. I now have extremely badly-drawn sharpie eyebrows. FML

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By hitmutefirst - United States

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

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By Meg

Today, we moved 2,700 miles across the U.S. to better our lives, with job offers and home options lined up. All of them were given to other people or turned out to be scams. FML

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By Vincent - United States - Overland Park

Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the store to buy new blankets and a comforter. A cute guy started chatting with me and asked about the new bedroom decor. I lied and said I just had a major break up and needed new things, instead of admitting I was too lazy to dig out and wash my winter blankets from last year. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, in an attempt to be sexy, my boyfriend picked me up and threw me down onto the bed. I fell straight through it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watertown

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML

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By gingerninja - United Kingdom

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

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By i tried so hard - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried really hard for once on an assignment. I was told it was my worst work yet and that I may as well have turned nothing in at all. FML

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By ihatemyex - 23/5/2020 14:00

Who are you?

Today, a woman I’d never met came to my door asking if my kids were ready to go. Obviously I refused to send my kids with a stranger. Apparently she’s my ex's new girlfriend and "has his permission" to come get my kids. Now he’s threatening to take me to court for violating the visitation order. FML

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By khfhjfsb - United States - Downers Grove

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

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By AngryBlackMan - 3/2/2021 21:30 - United States

This is America

Today, I'm a gay, black man who moved to a racist, mainly white, homophobic town for work. I've already had the cops called on me twice, and a group of teens yelled the f-slur at me unprompted. When I asked my boss if I could swap, he threatened to fire me. This is gonna be a long 6 months. FML

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By glens - United States

Today, my company announced a new name. They also announced new coffee mugs with the name on them. They've not announced raises in over 3 years. FML

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By very very lonely

Today, I bought a friendship bracelet. I'm not sure what's sadder, the fact that I don't actually have a friend to give the other half to, or that I'm actually wearing one of them so it looks like I have friends. FML

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By yessir - United States

Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By ihatepizza - United States - Aurora

Today, as a delivery driver, I have been stiffed in tips by three separate people because "a delivery fee is a tip, right?" FML

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By Jon - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time only to realise she squeals like a baby pig in the process. FML

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By farts

Today, my brother who routinely marred my life by stealing from me, fighting me, and isolating me from my own family, made his hollow AA apology to me so he'll feel better. My parents employ him, bought his car and house, and pay his insurance. I've been in poverty. FML

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By hatecolin - United States

Today, I was driving my new car home when I came around a sharp turn to see a groundhog in the road. I kindly stopped and allowed it to cross when all of the sudden a car slammed into the back of mine. Then, another car went flying around us. That car hit and killed the groundhog. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, while walking to work, I sneezed so violently that I slipped on a patch of ice and hit the ground hard, badly spraining my shoulder. I lay there in agony as a pair of bystanders just stood there, laughing their asses off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was leaving on a long business trip to Germany. As he's leaving, my daughter starts crying. 'Dont leave me with her !' she says. 'Take me with you !' FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a check for $100 for a random selecting at work. My boyfriend’s reaction? Light it on fire out of jealously. FML

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By f.a.t. - Australia

Today, while in bed, my boyfriend pointed to my stomach and said, "Bad fat", then pointed to my boobs and said, "Good fat." FML

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By CA19oo - United States - Grovetown

Today, I got yelled at and called a pedo by a mother after I sat down in a swing next to her daughter. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I'm a 20 year old who really does enjoy swinging in my spare time. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I finally get to go home after a 16 day training event in Colorado. The plane has been sitting in the runway for over three hours due to lightning storms and we're not allowed to leave. We've spent more time on the ground waiting than the flight itself would take. FML

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By VCR - United States

Today, I found my underwear in my brother's pillow as well as my vibrator and Victoria's Secret magazines. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Oakville

Today, while waiting in line to get my medication, a man who just got his prescription looked me up and down and said "Penis pills, right? Ya look like the type." Then he walked out as a couple of other guys in line started snickering. FML

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Top comments

By FireS Pitt In kitten | 2

#7962197 - Monday 4 January 2021 20:48

I meeeaann....u didn't smell it?

By Vortigaunt86 | 15

#7962081 - Monday 4 January 2021 11:13

Did you have a night terror?

COMMENTS

By Vortigaunt86 | 15

#7962081 - Monday 4 January 2021 11:13

Did you have a night terror?

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7962101 - Monday 4 January 2021 12:40

This is a good time to yell "Fuck!"

Reply

Seeya55 | 31

#7962139 - Monday 4 January 2021 17:25

Must have scared the shit outta him.

By FireS Pitt In kitten | 2

#7962197 - Monday 4 January 2021 20:48

I meeeaann....u didn't smell it?

By tounces7 | 27

#7962239 - Tuesday 5 January 2021 1:33

Probably a good idea to wear underwear when you're the guest in someone elses house.....

By sarahcroy20 | 12

#7962246 - Tuesday 5 January 2021 4:54

Could you not feel it? I mean how could you not feel it all over you?

By DrSamba1 | 7

#7962280 - Tuesday 5 January 2021 9:07

Something like that once happened to me. To be fair, it was after a day of drinking clear liquids before starting a colonoscopy prep, and there was no mother-in-law to be seen.