Miscellaneous: Today, I was driving home on the highway with my wife and her... - FML

By future MIL slasher - United States - Rindge

Today, I was driving home on the highway with my wife and her parents. As I overtook another car, a rock got kicked up into our windshield. My wife screamed about the crack it created, while my mother-in-law goaded her on and mocked my "piss-poor driving." FML

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Sorry…

And today, on Dr Phil…

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By Deweyboy - United States

Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML

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By krushr - Canada

Today, I discovered I have bed bugs. I have nowhere else to sleep and I won't be able to afford a new mattress for at least a year. I'd better get used to these giant welts. FML

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By DIY560 - United States - Ambler

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

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By pokie - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that my fantasy was for him to eat me out on the dinner table. My boyfriend told me his was me in a Pikachu costume. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a month after my 21st birthday, I received my health exam results. I don't remember the night of the birthday because I was hammered. However, I called my friend and it's now clear that the stripper they paid to have her way with me, had Chlamydia. FML

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By BirdBrain

Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML

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By Josie - United States - Florence

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend. There's a short cut to my house by jumping a fence but he insisted that we take the long way because, "Girls don't jump fences." To prove him wrong, I jumped the fence. I fell and broke my leg. FML

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By donttouchmyhair - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

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By Corn-ed-Teeth

Today, I bit into a barbecue-ed corn cob, forgetting I had a filling on my chipped front tooth. I re-chipped it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's ex moved into the apartment beneath us. She's already called the cops on us for a noise complaint twice. We were sleeping. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By NotTilly - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

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By Allergic to Assholes - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for not showing up to work yesterday. It seems going into anaphylactic shock isn't a valid excuse. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2020 14:07

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, I had people coming over to buy some chairs from me. I took a screenshot of their profile because I was home alone, and watch enough ID to be cautious. I thought I'd sent it to my fiancé. I'd sent it to them instead. Now my anxiety is through the roof. FML

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By fiercehawk - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML

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By some explaining to do - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my uncle's house to celebrate Christmas. His kids don't have their own phones so I let them play with mine. They sent all my contacts messages saying I love them, including two of my ex-girlfriends who both immediately wanted to make up and started to frantically call me. FML

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By shitttyyyday - United States

Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML

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By RevolutionLove - United States

Today, at a gynecologist's appointment, I was privileged to have 7 co-ed nursing students stare at my vagina for 25 minutes as part of their training. At one point the doctor apologized for having to "open me up more than usual", but said she wanted everyone to get a good view. FML

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By stoopidRUnner - United States

Today, I was running by a school and saw that a deer had caught his antlers in the fence. I felt bad for it so I tried to help it free. Finally, he became unstuck. Then he rammed his antlers into my hip. Now I can't run in the marathon I have been training for a year to race in. FML

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By novdestiny

Today, I discovered that, because my boyfriend has locked himself out of his car so many times, he now keeps a coat hanger to break in. He keeps it IN the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving to work. I saw a cute boy in the car next to me. To try and look cool, I pretended I was talking on my cell phone. I got pulled over and got a ticket for using my cell phone while driving. FML

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By sucker - United States - Duluth

Alexa, play "I'm Not In Love" by 10CC

Today, I went on a date I was really enjoying. My ex-boyfriend called halfway through. When I answered, he told me he wanted to get back together and couldn’t stop thinking about me. I didn’t realize my phone was on speaker. My date heard everything. FML

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By JulesBlues - Germany

Today, we had the hottest day ever recorded in Germany. Well, at least this means I won't need a hot water bottle to keep my feet from freezing, right? Wrong. FML

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By Anatomy - United States - Albany

Today, after being suspicious for some time, I learned that my husband really has been going to the library in his free time to study anatomy. Specifically female anatomy, with the librarian, in the back closet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia - Dammam

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

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By you fuckhobbit - United Kingdom

Today, I was on my favourite forum when I saw a guy ranting at some pro-lifer fanatic. For fun, I replied "umad bro?" apparently moments after the forum founder also left an angry reply. I'm now banned for a month for "trolling the founder" and all my posts have vanished without a trace. FML

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By fuckshit

Today, I witnessed a hit-and-run. I used my phone to write down the license plate for the police. However, I didn't notice that my phone had autocorrected the number. FML

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By Ouch - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I watched Juno. When the baby is born in the film, I put my arm around my girlfriend and whispered in her ear that one day it could be us having a baby. She responded by punching me in the happy sacks and telling me I wasn't getting any from her in a long time. FML

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By painedandpissed - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

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By Blue - France

Today, I bought myself an MP3 player. Later, I was laying in bed, listening to music and eating a bowl of cereal, when I went to move the bowl of cereal on the bedside table for some shut eye. I dropped my MP3 player into the leftover milk. FML

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By Pop_Pies - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over 5 hours. Slighty tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink, he smiled and winked back. When I finished work 2 hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

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By Shelly P. - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me twelve roses and told me that he would love me until the last one dies. Remembering the Facebook like, I began looking for the fake one but couldn't find it. When I pointed out that all twelve were real and would die within days, he responded, "Exactly." FML

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By Bob - United States - New Bedford

Today, after saving for months to have a few hundred bucks set aside, the government sent me a car tax bill from 2010. Yep, 8 years ago. They want the interest on the bill too. Broke again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jefferson

Today, I found out what it's like to drive seven hours home with a woman who just brutally rejected your marriage proposal. FML

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By rissa5214 - United States - Stoughton

Today, I told my boyfriend of three years that I wanted to get married and have a child within the next five years. He responded by packing up my things and showing me the door. FML

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By SallyGeen - United Kingdom

Today, at a fancy dress party, I got off with Hitler. FML

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By constantine - United States

Today, I wanted to go clubbing with my friends. I started drinking at home to save on the price of drinks, instead I fell asleep on my couch. FML

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By Sudokori

A Dog's Love = Priceless

Today, I bought a lottery ticket. Two hours ago, I found out that the ticket was worth $100. Five minutes ago, I found my dog eating it. FML

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Top comments

By Minna_fml | 14

#4965120 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:31

Check OPs name.

By hopsinlove17 | 26

#4965624 - Monday 24 September 2012 4:29

I read it as MILF O.O

COMMENTS

By TuLegit | 4

#4965112 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:30

Sorry op, that sucks!

Reply

dinorider_fml | 4

#4965199 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:40

I'm guessing that's why OP put it on this site

Reply

therealafroninga | 10

#4965470 - Monday 24 September 2012 3:44

You sir, are not too legit to quit.

Reply

PinkieKeen | 20

#4965541 - Monday 24 September 2012 4:08

No Dino, I don't think it's that.

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#4965750 - Monday 24 September 2012 5:01

1. Just like your comment.

Reply

CheeseTron | 15

#4965754 - Monday 24 September 2012 5:01

You've got a pis-poor family.

Reply

KSG472 | 3

#4966993 - Monday 24 September 2012 15:39

Yeah but he also said hes sorry.

Reply

simonsaysYDI | 8

#4968132 - Monday 24 September 2012 23:07

55 - Aaah anyone would freak out at that happening, more out of shock than real anger.
And mother-in-laws are just bitches (sometimes

By Minna_fml | 14

#4965120 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:31

Check OPs name.

Reply

zojieeu | 6

#4965293 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:55

I totally read it as future milk sister :D

Reply

hopsinlove17 | 26

#4965624 - Monday 24 September 2012 4:29

I read it as MILF O.O

Reply

TrollRoaster | 0

#4965890 - Monday 24 September 2012 5:44

Dont thumb me down

Reply

ElricMustang | 23

#4965955 - Monday 24 September 2012 6:11

I also thought it was milf lol

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4966057 - Monday 24 September 2012 6:54

I read it as his MIL better straighten up, or she will end up with concrete shoes.

By anon80214 | 15

#4965123 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:31

Gotta love those in-laws. FYL

Reply

dinorider_fml | 4

#4965286 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:54

Talk about the highway to hell

By alstbv12 | 13

#4965129 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:31

Safelite is on your side

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#4965221 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:44

Safelite repair, Safelite replace

Reply

Drigr | 9

#4965456 - Monday 24 September 2012 3:40

Uh... Isn't it "Nationwide is on your side"?

By Pelvispresley | 8

#4965134 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:32

In laws (insert history channel meme here)

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#4967922 - Monday 24 September 2012 21:49

Wait... you mean the ancient aliens guy meme?

By UberNova | 18

#4965137 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:32

You know the truth, that is what counts.

By emmagillespie24 | 11

#4965141 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:32

I moderated this! :)

By LilBobby | 0

#4965145 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:32

Sorry OP. That only cracked the surface of your in-laws..

By sarah6786 | 14

#4965147 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:33

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

MURIKKA | 11

#4965499 - Monday 24 September 2012 3:55

Not really....

Reply

SenselessPattern | 12

#4965564 - Monday 24 September 2012 4:16

Maybe you're thinking of poor-piss, which is what your doctor calls your urine sample when it turns out to be black.

Reply

MURIKKA | 11

#4965645 - Monday 24 September 2012 4:32

42- I don't know if I should laugh at that, or just slap you in the spleen. Decisions decisions.

Reply

SenselessPattern | 12

#4965973 - Monday 24 September 2012 6:17

When in doubt, slap the spleen.

By SaturnV | 25

#4965165 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:34

Well now you know where your wife got her bitchiness from. Sorry OP, berating a significant other so harshly in front of others like that is completely uncalled for and uncivilized.

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4966072 - Monday 24 September 2012 7:00

Yep, unless OP stops it now, I see years of misery in his future.