Miscellaneous: Today, I was driving home on the highway with my wife and her... - FML

By future MIL slasher - United States - Rindge

Today, I was driving home on the highway with my wife and her parents. As I overtook another car, a rock got kicked up into our windshield. My wife screamed about the crack it created, while my mother-in-law goaded her on and mocked my "piss-poor driving." FML

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Messed up

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Dangling modifier

By fmlguy382 - United States

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I had to do a presentation in front of my entire school. I was very nervous, so I used the old trick of picturing everyone naked. Everyone then got a good view of my erection. FML

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By melon squash - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

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By crazyman. - United States - Keller

TMI

Today, my fiancé got drunk at our wedding reception and announced to his and my family what we do in bed. And it was pretty detailed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dog had diarrhea in his cage. While I was carrying his dirty bed downstairs to the washer, he ran by and tripped me. FML

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By ktinanic - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, severing all forms of communication but one: Words With Friends. FML

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By Joey - Canada

Today, while DJing at a jumpin' wedding reception, my speaker system conked out. I hadn't brought any backup equipment, and 500 guests had the unfortunate luxury of dancing to the sounds of a portable CD player someone brought in from their car. FML

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By lalibear - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

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By Pandathepilot

Say hello to my plastic friend!

Today, my principal made me visit "anti-violence" classes because I had a picture of me threatening a man with a gun on my Facebook page. It was taken during the school play, where I was acting as a gangster and the gun was just a toy. The principal saw the play. FML

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By youdontknowmewhy - United States - Keller

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

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By Mr_Jah - United States - Boerne

Today, I got offered a free $80 salon haircut by a girl I've liked for awhile. Thinking this was my chance to get close to her, I accepted, only to find out it was for a class her boyfriend was teaching. He was the one cutting my hair. FML

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By Scapegoat

Today, I found out that while I was at college, my brother downloaded three terabytes of porn on my laptop and blamed it on me. My parents believed him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I drove 45 min from my college to surprise my girlfriend with roses after she got off work. She responded by taking the roses, dumping them in her back seat, and speeding off because she couldn't miss Survivor. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kilkeel

Today, I felt frisky, so I did my hair and put on make-up and some lingerie. I walked into the living room, where my husband was playing a video game. He glanced up, said, "Oh, for fuck's sake." and made me wait nearly 15 minutes for him to reach a save-game point. FML

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By dadsadipshit - United States

Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 08:01 - United States

Bigmouth strikes again

Today, my boyfriend came over. My mom told him the story about the time she caught me having sex with my ex-boyfriend. My ex is his best friend. FML

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By Sam - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my mom and I took my senile grandmother to the mall, since she doesn't get out much. She complained it was hot, then took her clothing off in the middle of the food court. It took us thirty minutes to make her put her shirt back on. FML

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By wotwzombie - United States

Today, It took me over 3 hours to cut out little letters for an event I'm putting on. It took the wind less than a second to blow them all over campus. FML

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By Jaymail - 11/10/2020 10:01 - United States - Chicago

Tourism

Today, I was stuck in backed up traffic because of construction for so long that my phone actually listed where I was stuck in traffic as a place I visited. FML

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By CP slave - United States

Entitled

Today, a man yelled at me for what seemed like an eternity when I told him his child wasn't tall enough to ride a roller coaster. His daughter was about 3 years-old. The coaster is the second tallest in the world. I deal with morons like this every day, at minimum wage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, I woke up early, went to the gym, then came home and showered. When I went into my room to change, my mom woke up and started pounding on my door, screaming about how lazy and useless I was for sleeping so late. When I tried to tell her otherwise, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

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By TiredMom - United States

Today, after finally getting my newborn baby to sleep, I made a sign to put on the door asking people not to knock or ring the bell, since our 3 dogs will bark loudly and wake the baby. When I went to print the sign, my dogs barked like crazy at the sound of the printer. FML

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By Anonymous

Don't worry!

Today, my girlfriend of four months asked me to babysit her four-year-old daughter. All went well, and she texted me to see how she was. I wanted to say “a little ornery”. My phone auto corrected ornery to horny. She didn't appreciate that her four-year-old daughter was a little horny from her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was watching my 2-year-old sister in the bathtub. As she was splashing, she stopped, and pointed at the "owie" on my head. I told her it was okay, and that it was just a pimple. She said, "Wow, you have a lot of pimples!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I was taking a stroll in our yard, when my mother decided it would be hilarious to run me down with her Segway. FML

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By MirandaJones - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

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By hannibal - Australia

Today, I heard a loud-speaker announcement in my college that someone had left their car in the car park, still running, with keys in the ignition. I laughed at that person's foolishness until I realised it was mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was chosen to MC a function at work. I developed a terrible case of hiccups which made the audience giggle and groan for the duration of my time on stage. FML

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By Awks - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

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By Xanadu - United States

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

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By Nessa - United States - Pomona

Today, my mom got out a camcorder she's had a while. She said there were tapes of me when I was a child. The first tape I put in was a porno of her and her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Dreamer - United States - Castro Valley

Today, I'm going to court to give an eyewitness account of a robbery. Unfortunately, I had a wacky dream last night concerning the robbery, and no longer have any idea of what actually happened in real life. FML

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By used - 2/11/2020 20:08 - Japan - Kobe

Used

Today, I noticed that my girlfriend only texts me when she needs help with her homework. FML

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By stuck - United States - California

Today, I paid a locksmith $100 after I locked myself out of my apartment. All he did was hit it, and it flung open. It wasn't locked, it'd just got stuck. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2021 21:30

Sorry for what?

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years said he wanted an open relationship. When I asked if it was because I wasn’t good enough to fulfill his needs, he got mad at me and now expects an apology. FML

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By tarynfaye - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I gave each other early Christmas gifts. I gave him a basketball signed by his favorite player, which took me forever to find. He got me diet pills. FML

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By Jon - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's son mowing their lawn when suddenly he started to do this crazy dance. Chuckling at his antics I waved and walked back into my house. His mom called me from a hospital later to ask if I could put the mower away; he had been attacked by bees. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. He then told me that he will love me forever, wait for me and will follow me to the ends of the earth. Apparently, that means standing outside my door and calling my house phone every five minutes. It's been 3 hours straight now. FML

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Top comments

By Minna_fml | 14

#4965120 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:31

Check OPs name.

By hopsinlove17 | 26

#4965624 - Monday 24 September 2012 4:29

I read it as MILF O.O

COMMENTS

By TuLegit | 4

#4965112 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:30

Sorry op, that sucks!

Reply

dinorider_fml | 4

#4965199 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:40

I'm guessing that's why OP put it on this site

Reply

therealafroninga | 10

#4965470 - Monday 24 September 2012 3:44

You sir, are not too legit to quit.

Reply

PinkieKeen | 20

#4965541 - Monday 24 September 2012 4:08

No Dino, I don't think it's that.

Reply

patrickalamo | 47

#4965750 - Monday 24 September 2012 5:01

1. Just like your comment.

Reply

CheeseTron | 15

#4965754 - Monday 24 September 2012 5:01

You've got a pis-poor family.

Reply

KSG472 | 3

#4966993 - Monday 24 September 2012 15:39

Yeah but he also said hes sorry.

Reply

simonsaysYDI | 8

#4968132 - Monday 24 September 2012 23:07

55 - Aaah anyone would freak out at that happening, more out of shock than real anger.
And mother-in-laws are just bitches (sometimes

By Minna_fml | 14

#4965120 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:31

Check OPs name.

Reply

zojieeu | 6

#4965293 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:55

I totally read it as future milk sister :D

Reply

hopsinlove17 | 26

#4965624 - Monday 24 September 2012 4:29

I read it as MILF O.O

Reply

TrollRoaster | 0

#4965890 - Monday 24 September 2012 5:44

Dont thumb me down

Reply

ElricMustang | 23

#4965955 - Monday 24 September 2012 6:11

I also thought it was milf lol

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4966057 - Monday 24 September 2012 6:54

I read it as his MIL better straighten up, or she will end up with concrete shoes.

By anon80214 | 15

#4965123 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:31

Gotta love those in-laws. FYL

Reply

dinorider_fml | 4

#4965286 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:54

Talk about the highway to hell

By alstbv12 | 13

#4965129 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:31

Safelite is on your side

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#4965221 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:44

Safelite repair, Safelite replace

Reply

Drigr | 9

#4965456 - Monday 24 September 2012 3:40

Uh... Isn't it "Nationwide is on your side"?

By Pelvispresley | 8

#4965134 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:32

In laws (insert history channel meme here)

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#4967922 - Monday 24 September 2012 21:49

Wait... you mean the ancient aliens guy meme?

By UberNova | 18

#4965137 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:32

You know the truth, that is what counts.

By emmagillespie24 | 11

#4965141 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:32

I moderated this! :)

By LilBobby | 0

#4965145 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:32

Sorry OP. That only cracked the surface of your in-laws..

By sarah6786 | 14

#4965147 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:33

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

MURIKKA | 11

#4965499 - Monday 24 September 2012 3:55

Not really....

Reply

SenselessPattern | 12

#4965564 - Monday 24 September 2012 4:16

Maybe you're thinking of poor-piss, which is what your doctor calls your urine sample when it turns out to be black.

Reply

MURIKKA | 11

#4965645 - Monday 24 September 2012 4:32

42- I don't know if I should laugh at that, or just slap you in the spleen. Decisions decisions.

Reply

SenselessPattern | 12

#4965973 - Monday 24 September 2012 6:17

When in doubt, slap the spleen.

By SaturnV | 25

#4965165 - Monday 24 September 2012 2:34

Well now you know where your wife got her bitchiness from. Sorry OP, berating a significant other so harshly in front of others like that is completely uncalled for and uncivilized.

Reply

thiscrazything | 1

#4966072 - Monday 24 September 2012 7:00

Yep, unless OP stops it now, I see years of misery in his future.