Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns...

By IHopeYourDogsGetDiarrheaAndPoopOnYourBed - 20/12/2011 11:49 - Mauritius

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me. FML

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Miscellaneous

The best cat

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

The student becomes the master

By whykarma - 26/3/2013 21:17 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

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By makeitstop - 4/8/2011 13:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter wouldn't stop yapping on about not being able to register on the new Harry Potter website. The amount of whiny jibber-jabber emanating from her cake-hole made me want to boot her from our family tree, and I had to resort to booze to wash the pain away. I'm a terrible parent. FML

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By HeatherFeatherB - 5/1/2016 03:27 - United States - Mundelein

Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML

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By Noname - 20/2/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I was doing a strip tease for my husband. He asked me to stop. FML

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By played - 21/6/2011 05:07 - Norway

Today, the girl I've been dating for several months, and fallen in love with, said "We're just friends, right? My mom thinks I'm leading you on." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 10:41 - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I have an ear infection. The pain from it radiates from my ear all the way down the left side of my face, so my doctor prescribed me something that makes half of my face numb and pretty much unusable. Tomorrow, I have to give a presentation on strokes for my med class. Go figure. FML

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By twitch - 7/10/2019 18:00

Today, on Maury…

Today, I found out I'm pregnant after 14 years of being told I'll likely never have kids. My fiancé has a 7 year-old child with a woman who used it to stop him from leaving her. Yesterday, she filed a false report/restraining order to keep him from his kid, because he refused to leave me. FML

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By racist - 15/10/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML

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By BarbieKen - 14/6/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend and I were messing around in his room he took off my underwear. As he was about to go down on me I spread my legs to help out then he looked up at me and said, "You got some toilet paper left behind." FML

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By Sarcasmo - 12/7/2016 20:04 - United States - Madison

Today, I'm so broke that I had to get a refund for my unopened hummus, just so I'd be able to afford the bus fare to get to work tomorrow. FML

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By 102496 - 5/2/2010 03:53 - France

Today, I went to the store with my 4 1/2 year old daughter. When we got to the cosmetics aisle, she asked what make-up was for, I told her it was to make women prettier. My daughter then told me it was a good thing I wear make-up because I was ugly and that I might scare off my husband. FML

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By Herdad - 30/7/2009 11:34 - United States

Today, my two year old daughter did not want to leave the toy store, when I picked her up she started screaming at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY DADDY!". FML

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By Mandy - 9/5/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I finished a drawing that I spent over 14 hours working on for my mom for Mother's Day. I took it outside to seal it with fixative. I took of the clear lid, shook the can, then sprayed red spray paint all over my art. FML

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By demix_fml - 6/10/2019 02:01

Cat vs. pancakes

Today, it's my birthday, I knew I would be on my own, so I brought some pancakes, only to come down and find that not only had my cat eaten them, but also that I’d have to clean his barf up. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By notsolucky - 12/2/2011 15:01 - Canada

Today, I woke up at 11:11am. I was happy because I thought it was a sign that it was going to be a good day. I then realized that I was over an hour late for a job interview. FML

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By alhummel21 - 12/2/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

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By cargaljen - 7/8/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, while watching tv at my mother's house, a tornado warning came across the screen. After being in the dark nasty basement for half an hour, my mom realizes she was watching a recorded show, and that tornado warning was for 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Abbynyc - 28/9/2014 11:40 - United States - Bay Shore

Today, while running an event, my belt loop got caught in those metal whorls that outdoor chairs have. I couldn't get it undone and had to greet guests by standing up and bringing the chair with me, hanging from my ass. My coworker finally had to cut the belt loop to set me free. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then sniffed it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML

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By Noah - 2/11/2016 14:24

Today, a friend pointed out to me that I bear a striking resemblance to Anne Frank. I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I'm inclined to agree with him. FML

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By Ali - 17/4/2019 02:00

Today, after drinking a half gallon of liquid laxative in preparation for a colonoscopy, I puked the half gallon of laxative. Out my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 22:16 - United States

Today, My family and I were in New Orleans. We passed by all of the naughty peep shows with posters of naked women everywhere on the way to dinner. At the restaurant, my dad asks me if that was the first pair of boobs I have seen. My mom butted in saying, "Nah, remember all that porn we found?" FML

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By Nola - 13/9/2018 22:00

Today, my fiancé got his associate degree in the mail. Wanting to surprise him when he got home, I opened it to display it before going out to buy groceries. His dog got a hold of his degree and shredded it to pieces. FML

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By suspended - 31/7/2016 15:39 - United States - Grand Blanc

Today, I had to give an important presentation, so I checked it over one last time before taking a shower and heading out. I found out too late that my brother used that window of opportunity to replace the entire document with the N-word repeating over and over again. FML

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By sciencetime - 10/12/2016 11:33

Today, I had environmental science class. My teacher doesn't believe humans are affecting climate change or that we should protect endangered species. He slants class discussions so now all my classmates agree with him. FML

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By sigh - 30/8/2009 23:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend and I were starting to get in the mood. I get on top of him, lean down to kiss him, and he begins to laugh. Puzzled, I ask him why. He tells me that when I'm naked and on top of him, I remind him of a cow, with 'udders' . Offended, I go to get off. 'No no' he protests, 'a SEXY cow'. FML

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By AFH2O - 14/7/2014 23:04 - United States - Visalia

Today, I got chewed out by a parent for putting her kid underwater. I teach swim lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 16:30 - Saudi Arabia - Jiddah

Today, by pure chance, I found the website where my boyfriend has been getting all the cute, "original" romantic texts he sends me, including the one that made me fall in love with him to begin with. FML

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By what the FUCK - 15/8/2012 22:52 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I worked overtime with three guys who never shut up about partying and getting laid. When I finally escaped the testosterone and got home, the first thing I heard was my grandpa telling my dad all about how he once fisted a girl to orgasm. FML

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By Marc - 6/2/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML

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By Mr_poole - 18/5/2013 20:06 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2014 17:21 - United Kingdom - Aberystwyth

Today, after waiting two weeks for an email with my online textbook access code, it still hadn't arrived in time for my quiz tomorrow, so I ended up spending most of my money on the expensive physical copy. Not long after I got back home, the email finally arrived. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2015 15:23 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML

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By screw life - 1/10/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, my brother saw my side when my shirt came up, and asked when I got a tattoo; the pink he saw was in fact my stretch marks. Worst of all, I had to show them to everyone to prove I didn't actually get a tattoo. FML

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By J.O.S - 21/3/2012 21:06 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was stabbed in the chest. Not with a knife though, the under-wire from my bra escaped and stabbed me in the boob. FML

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By Toast514 - 29/7/2009 23:49 - Canada

Today, I was short shifted at work because one of my employee's decided not to show up. Furious, I wrote her up and made predetermined judgments about her. When she came in, I went off on her for being absent and leaving me stuck. She then informed me her mom tried to commit suicide. FML

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By chelserusera - 14/5/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

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By Kutakito - 15/4/2013 20:18 - Sweden - Saltsj?baden

Today, my 25 year old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2015 15:23 - United States - Austin

Today, I was riding my newly trained horse. I've recently been suffering from bad gas, and ended up farting so violently, it spooked my horse into bucking me off and running away. FML

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By jon - 31/8/2012 21:31 - Canada - Toronto

Consent

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontanous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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Top comments

By upyourzlolz | 11

#3761070 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:03

Looks like your family just got done...

Doggy style.

By ingernh | 4

#3761055 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:01

Are you a bitch?

Comments

By ingernh | 4

#3761055 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:01

Are you a bitch?

JustinComments | 3

#3761107 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:07

Well it's not insulting if it's those cute little puppies.

DanFML91 | 0

#3761115 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:08

So when they call your names, which bitches come/answer? Lol

DanFML91 | 0

#3761141 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:11

9 - i bet they are bulldogs... And so are the neighbours new dogs...

chlorinegreen | 27

#3761188 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:22

Well that's not creepy or anything. Nice name OP.

BlanketHogger | 0

#3761287 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:44

Yea, And OP I love your name.

Meowingtons500 | 18

#3761362 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:58

Is your mother named Fluffy? Is your name Fido? Was your sister blessed with the name Princess Beyonce?

uniongirl02 | 0

#3761785 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 18:55

You gotta love OP's name

LolFMLnot | 10

#3762302 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 21:39

Did the cutest dog got named after you?

gress269 | 4

#3763149 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 0:22

I hate you, OP.

takpaan | 6

#3777090 - Friday 23 December 2011 17:49

Don't tell me u still have that fone or use it lol

Aquawave7 | 7

#4930631 - Friday 14 September 2012 5:23

IHopeYourDogGetsDiahhreaAndPoopsOnYourBed hahhhah nice name OP.

By upyourzlolz | 11

#3761070 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:03

Looks like your family just got done...

Doggy style.

2wenty0ne21 | 0

#3761285 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:44

Sir, please, for the sake of humanity. Give up all ur aspirations and be a comedian.

J3R3MYY | 14

#3761344 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:55

Who let the dogs out?! Who, who who who??!!?!!?

Zomg_Okay | 26

#3761489 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 17:30

*Raises hand*

Danny0522 | 8

#3761544 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 17:48

*rock music in background while 2 puts on sunglasses*

upyourzlolz | 11

#3761564 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 17:54

I don't use sunglasses. They always seem to argue with my outfits.

Chaos187 | 6

#3763569 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 1:42

*puts on shades*
YEAAHHHHHH

TheDog6 | 24

#3764540 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 6:42

*Takes off shades*
NOOOOOO....

By SCREAM4meeee | 0

#3761076 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:03

Should be proud. It's an honor!

marzipanimal | 15

#3761215 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:28

Thats awkward..

forkscop | 0

#3761641 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 18:32

Nice name OP, lol

By wooley29 | 8

#3761084 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:04

It would be best to just ignore it. It shows more about them than you. It is their FML.

foob | 0

#3761309 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:48

ugly teeth

chickenwalrus | 14

#3763680 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 2:11

i really love OP's name.

By flockz | 19

#3761095 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:05

sounds like your neighbor is barking up the wrong tree.

By DaMan25 | 4

#3761097 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:05

That's an honor

By 22jrdn55 | 15

#3761099 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:06

get a cat(s) and name it after them!

me_gusta_eso | 1

#3761634 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 18:26

That is a terrible idea.

22jrdn55 | 15

#3762172 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 20:45

he'll get all the pussies!

why do i even try!

bubbles42597 | 0

#3837542 - Friday 6 January 2012 4:32

No OP should get a dog and name it idiot then tell the neighbor that they named it after him

By Feklfekl2222 | 32

#3761105 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:07

Your name is very detailed.

dethbunny | 0

#3763021 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 0:03

I FUCKIN' LOVE YOUR PROFILE PICTURE!

Dominato | 0

#3763911 - Wednesday 21 December 2011 3:27

The only reason i like this comment because of the badass profile pic

By narya1 | 0

#3761111 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:08

Classy.

By ActionManly | 11

#3761112 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:08

OP's name is pure gold