Kids: Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to...

By yingyang2 - 06/01/2011 02:19 - United States

Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 110

You deserved it 4 974

Kids

Taking stock

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Do me a solid

Daddy's girl

By Anonymous - 07/11/2021 14:00 - Guam

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me, a month after I'd proposed and she'd said yes. When asked why all of the sudden, she said her family disapproved of me, and I wasn't worth fighting for and potentially losing her father's love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 359

You deserved it 110

By Links - 20/11/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 045

You deserved it 44 204

I KNOW!

By Anonymous - 16/07/2021 07:59

Today, my boyfriend mansplained to me that because Loki likes both boys and girls, he’s bi, not gay. I’m bi, and my boyfriend knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 625

You deserved it 191

By paddy - 14/07/2009 12:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a neon themed party. Standing by the UV light, I looked down and realised my pad was glowing through my tights. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 456

You deserved it 16 485

Corolla Conspiracy

By Anonymous - 30/07/2017 00:30

Today, I was talking to one of the advisors at my job about how almost everyone in the workplace who owns a Toyota has strangely been in some sort of car accident in the last year. I happen to have a Toyota. Guess who was rear-ended at an intersection after leaving work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 957

You deserved it 506

By Anonymous - 18/04/2014 22:07 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad at a tennis game. I could tell he despised me from the start, but it only got worse when I played him. He smashed the ball at me and I went to hit it, but I missed and fell over, tearing my arm up on the gravel. He had a smirk on his face for the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 358

You deserved it 4 215

By Anne - 14/02/2012 20:50 - United States

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 334

You deserved it 2 357

By Anonymous - 20/04/2016 00:56 - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 555

You deserved it 2 205

NSFW FML

By Fireguy92 - 01/02/2013 04:39 - United States - Dewitt

Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 411

You deserved it 2 566

By Anonymous - 08/10/2011 02:13 - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding. Everything was going flawlessly. That is, until our visibly drunk mom started a punch-up over who got to cut the cake first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 834

You deserved it 2 315

By fucktheearth - 20/04/2016 03:32 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was sitting at my desk when out of nowhere I had a "silent sneeze attack". Someone in the office called the paramedics because they thought I was having a seizure. This is the third time this has happened this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 398

You deserved it 2 029

By Anonymous - 27/04/2013 06:33 - United States

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 631

You deserved it 79 788

By thechimpchapter - 31/12/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, I found out that the neighbor I'd given a bottle of wine to for Christmas is a recovering alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 387

You deserved it 7 148

Quality family time

By Anonymous - 18/10/2021 02:00 - United States - Verona

Today, I made a nice dinner for my relatives, as we share the same quarters for lockdown. For an hour, I had to hear the same old complaints about other relatives for the last ten years that I have been hearing about every day since lockdown. I wanted to scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 86

By jxfc - 07/11/2016 08:11 - United States - Tracy

Today, as I was helping a customer, she asked if it was my first day and who was training me. Evidently, I'm bad at my job, because I've worked there for 7 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 544

You deserved it 1 503

Bad day #74746

By orourkeda - 14/04/2021 10:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I sharted in work this morning. It was rather unpleasant and everyone around me knew what had happened. The embarrassment was stifling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 867

You deserved it 148

Directed by Alfred Hitchcock

By EyupItsLucas - 24/03/2020 13:35

Today, there’s been birds nesting in my wall since mid winter. They’ve recently started scratching at the wall as if they wanted to get through. This morning, they made their entrance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 446

You deserved it 244

Squatters' rights

By Anonymous - 10/01/2021 08:01

Today, I had the best date I've had in my life, until after we ate and split an expensive dinner out, we came back to my place and she then told me she was homeless, and wasn't looking to date but for a couch to crash on. She won't leave. Happy fucking New Year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 261

You deserved it 265

By Kara - 15/12/2011 21:43 - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards, asking if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 198

You deserved it 2 772

By Screwed Up - 09/05/2013 05:30 - United States

Today, I went to therapy. I started talking about my childhood and my life. By the time the session was over my therapist was crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 337

You deserved it 4 280

By ams - 13/03/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about the stupid sorts of questions I get asked at work. She looked at me and said "I give you five years until you turn into a raging, chain-smoking corporate bitch." My mom agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 459

You deserved it 4 336

By Anonymous - 12/07/2019 02:00

Today, I figured out my boyfriend gets out of jail in less than six months. First off, I have a boyfriend in jail. Second, I also realized I'd much prefer he stay in than get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 1 808

By AuraOfJustice - 12/03/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an "Ok, bye". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 188

You deserved it 9 824

Bye bye, then

By emzymcsmiles - 08/10/2019 02:00

Today, I learnt that I can't share my things with other people. This includes my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 199

You deserved it 327

By cstokes - 05/05/2011 04:44 - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 219

You deserved it 3 419

By not jacked - 20/04/2016 11:35 - United States - East Hartford

Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to tickle my armpits as I lifted it all the way up. I can still taste vomit in my mouth and it hurts to breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 068

You deserved it 1 541

By NoFunForMe - 31/08/2015 16:27 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I saw my ex for the first time since we broke up. We were on a train next to each other for 6 hours, to a festival where our tents were pitched next to each other. We're here for 5 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 365

You deserved it 2 390

By Anonymous - 28/04/2013 20:19 - United States - San Diego

Today, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't agree to convert to their new brand of Christianity. This is a day after they ranted at me about how I should speak my mind more and not let myself be controlled by other people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 814

You deserved it 3 581

By ktm1313 - 26/01/2016 21:38 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 784

You deserved it 19 862

By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 18:09 - United States - Victorville

Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 110

You deserved it 44 497

Sorry for asking…

By volleyballgirl12 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - France

Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 491

You deserved it 6 524

By heallven - 31/01/2013 12:26 - France - Ostricourt

Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 519

You deserved it 11 423

By Abby - 17/10/2018 08:00 - United States - Watertown

Today, my employer gave me a gift to celebrate the one-year anniversary of my hire date. It would have been a really nice gesture if they weren't laying me off at the end of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 797

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 20/03/2015 16:56 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I had to take a dump at work. I walked into the bathroom and opened a stall, only to find what I can only describe as a fecal crime scene. It was like a turd had exploded mid-air. It was so vile, my anxiety kicked in and I broke down into a sobbing panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 287

You deserved it 3 602

By brooke - 21/03/2012 17:12 - United States - Kissimmee

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 165

You deserved it 69 294

Through the wall

By Jeynna - 08/05/2021 00:01

Today, I bumped into my next door neighbor. She said, "Not for nothing, but I heard you fighting with your boyfriend last night, you're pretty harsh on him." I don't have a boyfriend, I was just drunk and castigating myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 727

By Anon - 14/04/2016 22:23 - United States

Today, I shattered my iPhone screen. Pieces of glass are chipping out and can easily slice up any idiot who slides their finger across the screen. Unfortunately, I was that idiot. There's blood in the cracks of my screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 378

You deserved it 6 677

By Anonymous - 03/05/2012 21:17 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally found out what the horrible smell at work was. A rat had decided to make its home in our emergency exit sign and had been fried by the electricity. I now have to fix this. Hello scorched dead rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 266

You deserved it 2 068

By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 19:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 266

You deserved it 14 444

By Anonymous - 07/12/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 006

You deserved it 41 931

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The_Dude_Abides_ 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:07

weird if a little kids knows it and you don't

BoredomKillsinc 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:10

looks like she knows something you don't

samiradodi96 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:06

how ironic 0.-

MrBoredGuy 1

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Thursday 6 January 2011 11:17

at least she's a good teacher

docscientist 9

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Thursday 6 January 2011 12:03

It's about as ironic as a fish jumping onto land; that is, not at all.

firecapez 4

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Thursday 6 January 2011 13:57

Toddler win ^^

Bobissmall 13

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Thursday 6 January 2011 15:02

ironic? Not sure how... On the other hand you could totaly roflpwn the little kid by explaining how as you're still around, obviously you're not missed. AND if you loved someone enough to have a kid with them (presuming it wasnt a one night stand kind of thing) then you must miss them slightly anyway, so ofc her "real mum" is missed. And yeah you just read this crap i wrote. :D

Back_In_Action 18

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Thursday 6 January 2011 19:02

Yeah, okay number 1. Try not using big words that you don't understand for awhile.

Defunct 0

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Thursday 9 June 2011 18:40

okay dumbasses, it actually is ironic, it's called situational irony, and it's what happens when what you would expect to happen in a situation doesn't. You would expect the little girl to be grateful to the stepmom for teaching her, but instead is not and is a total jerk anyway. A fish jumping onto land is also situational irony, because that's not an expected occurrence. so stfu.

The_Dude_Abides_ 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:07

weird if a little kids knows it and you don't

jeremyt8nc 6

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:21

kids see more than a parent can. I know from my childhood.

docscientist 9

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Thursday 6 January 2011 12:01

or maybe the kid is just projecting and she 'wants' her real mom.

fanuvlb 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 15:42

5 year olds Dude.

BoredomKillsinc 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:10

looks like she knows something you don't

FYLorYDIohno 12

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Thursday 6 January 2011 13:05

Maybe she was just kidding?

rockyraccoon28 8

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Sunday 9 January 2011 6:27

kids don't kid.

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Thursday 31 March 2011 5:56

She's her STEP daughter. Can you read? Obviously she has a different mother.

gusgus36 5

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:12

and the truth comes out..

p33dmypant5 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:13

kids are the greatest spies

ekdfml 20

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:15

communication issues maybe between you and your husband

unidentified_sta 5

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:19

I suppose it is only natural for him to have some lingering feelings or what not left over from whatever happened prior.

Filitov 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:35

Most separations (whether divorce or breaking up) aren't clean breaks. There's usually some form of lingering feelings for someone. But cheer up; OP, he still married you and is with you. That counts for something, right?

Ellen_Farrah 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:39

Oh my gosh that sucks. :/

kmeidienne 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:40

I highly doubt the truth/accuracy of this FML. A kid could easily verbalize this, but writing it after "being taught how to read/write" for just a week seems improbable.

sylphy 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 9:51

The kid will get over it. If not, when they're older tell them it wasn't mommy who taught them to read and write. also that good in one week? I'm inpressed.

lulzaroonie 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 10:20

I'm dubious too. I think the OP is probably voicing paranoia. anyone in a relationship with someone who had a child with someone else will always be tied to that person, regardless of how the new partner feels about it, especially if they are active within the childs life.

lulzaroonie 0

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Thursday 6 January 2011 10:23

I'm dubious too. the OP is probably voicing paranoia. anyone who is in a relationship with someone who had a child from a past relationship has to realise their partner will always be tied to the parent of their child, regardless of how they feel about the situation, especially if they are active within the kids life