Health: Today, I have bad adult acne. This wouldn't be so bad, except... - FML

By twoface_chick - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have bad adult acne. This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's only on one side of my face. I look like a Batman villain. FML

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Rich people problems

It never rains, it pours

Mix and match

By fedUPwithPEOPLE - United States - Enterprise

Today, the city shut off our water, because they said we didn't pay the bill. Turns out, it was sitting on their desk the whole time. I guess sending someone out to turn off our water was easier than checking to see if we'd actually paid the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:02 - Canada - Courtenay

Supply and demand

Today, I spotted my dad watching a wildlife/nature video. I pointed out to him that the animal on the screen was critically endangered; he rebutted by telling me that it's impossible for the animal on the screen to go extinct because people keep hunting it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a marriage proposal at work from a 70 year old man covered in dirt from head to toe, who offered to be my "sugar daddy." I guess I have options after all. FML

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By Slayer - Canada

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML

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By Tragic - United States

Today, I heard my mom ask "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to tell her about how I've been feeling suicidal lately. At that second, I realized she was talking to my cat. FML

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By Username

Today, my assistant manager was arguing with a customer. I interjected letting the customer know that "we want everything to be copacetic." After the customer left, I received a write up for using "big words." FML

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By Maxx - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

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By Superficial - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being superficial. She said I was superficial because I paid $100 for acne medication, because she always complained about how much acne I had. FML

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By Cinderstar95 - United States - Schererville

Today, my dad and brother found a Christmas present that they'd "forgotten" to give me. Expecting a joke, I apprehensively opened it. But I still wasn't prepared to unwrap the neck of the Christmas turkey. It had been rotting in the living room for 2 days. The smell was indescribable. FML

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By Bali_Boil - United States

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house and her dad saw us. She decided that she didn't feel like riding along when it was time for her dad to drive me home and went to bed. I, on the other hand, got to have a 15 minute conversation about the merits of "physical boundaries." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was having motorbike lessons. We were parked by the side of the circuit when one side of my gloves dropped on the ground. I tried to pick it up without getting off the bike. I lost balance, fell off the bike and the bike landed on my leg, trapping me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a thumb tack came out of one of my posters on my wall. The sole of my foot had the pleasure of finding it. FML

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By Dingbat - United States - Quarryville

Today, I started playing softball again in a league after not playing for about 5 years. My very first time at the bat I whacked a foul ball into the parking lot and hit my own car. FML

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By love_today - Canada

Today, I got called a f***ing b**ch by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

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By fml9124 - 28/7/2020 20:00

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Today, my wife filed for divorce. Last month, she was diagnosed with stage 4, terminal, inoperable cancer. We got a second (confirmed) opinion. She has maybe six months left. She told me she doesn't want to spend her last remaining days on this earth with me. Our 33rd anniversary was in May. FML

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By anon - United States - Elkhart

Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML

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By Confuseddad - United Kingdom

Today, two aggressive police officers appeared at my door informing me that a complaint was filed about my 18 year-old son having "inappropriate relations" with a 16 year-old. We live in England. I had to Google the law to prove to them this was legal. FML

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By "Brittney Anderson"

Today found out I need to have emergency surgery which is extremely convenient considering I'm literally supposed to be moving out of state in 2 days and my whole house is completely packed. FML

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By anonymouschicka - United States

Today, I finished doing a resume that I had spent three hours on. I e-mailed it to the business I was applying for, satisfied. I decided to look it over. The first thing I notice, I spelt my own name wrong. FML

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By Zaak

Ouch.

Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I missed out on the chance of buying a great used car because my loan wasn't approved. Why wasn't it approved? Because the vehicle has +100k miles on it. I wish they would've told me that when I applied for the loan. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

What a coinkydink

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his best friend. Who just so happened to be the guy who made my high school years a living hell. FML

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By I quit - United States

Today, MS Word kept crashing with a memory error, so I called tech support. Instead of actually fixing the problem, their tech wasted over an hour of my time defragmenting the hard drive, disabling the anti-virus, and downloading new video card drivers from some shady site, before giving up. FML

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By epiiphany - United States

Today, my little brother got mad at me, so he colored the entire screen of my new iPod Touch with a black sharpie. FML

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By Deli meat prom - United States - Dallas

Today, my prom dress came in the mail. I don't know what happened with the tailoring but not only does it not fit, but it also looks like deli meat. FML

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By Haggis300 - Australia

Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

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By TheaterMom - Germany

Today, after two months of rehersals, an actor in my theater company decided he was unhappy with the role I gave him, so he refuses to perform. We open tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing around with my sister's kitten. As a joke, I put him underneath the sheets and farted. He attacked my nuts. FML

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By ApparentlyIFail - France

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML

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By Anonymous

Maoism intensifies

Today, like every evening, our place is literally shaking with banging noises from the apartment below. Are they raising ponies down there? Wrecking the furniture? Taking out some walls? No, it's just my landlord's six-year-old. Playing. FML

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By stillsingleladies - United States

Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

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By upsetandannoyed - United States

Today, my friend set me up with a cute guy who is very germaphobic. So, I spent 4 hours cleaning my apartment. 2 minutes into the date, I sneezed. He politely told me he wasn't feeling well and left. FML

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By QueueJumper - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line at a clothes store when someone cut in in front of me, and the gentlemen in front of me. I shouted, "Hey! Queue starts back here!". He responded by pointing out the "gentlemen" in front was actually a very realistic mannequin. FML

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By Wowthanks - United States - Greeley

Today, I asked the girl I like if she had her eye on anyone, subtly hinting that I wanted to date her. I sat there while she confessed her love for her cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, for the 2nd time in a month, I've been rear-ended at a stop light. One insurance company refuses to pay because of prior damage from the 1st accident, and the other won't pay because of new damage not caused by their client. I just want my car back. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Philippine

Today, while entering in my college building, I noticed that my right shoelace was untied and I tied it. I didn't realize that just in front of me was a metal beam until I hit my head hard on it and a loud, reverberating sound was produced. Many people saw what happened. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I needed money to go to the movie. I asked my mom if I could reach in her purse and grab a few bucks. When I opened up her purse her phone started to vibrate. I yelled over to my mom that her phone was ringing. She said the phone was next to her. I looked in the purse. It was a vibrator. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 13:59

So young, so jaded

Today, like every day, I scrolled through my social media feeds, seeing happy couples, people buying houses and landing their dream jobs. I, on the other hand, am a single 23 year-old man in a dead end job that still lives with his parents. FML

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Top comments

By LeDiamond | 9

#6173418 - Thursday 15 January 2015 16:32

I'm assuming this breakout is on the side you sleep on. Wash your pillow case every second day, and use tea tree oil to spot treat pimples. Yea tree oil is a natural antiseptic and astringent.

--aesthetician.

By Adm_Twigs | 19

#6173389 - Thursday 15 January 2015 15:55

strange how some genes make you look like two face... I'm sorry OP Better find a two headed coin and make the best of a bad situation... COMICCON

COMMENTS

By flufee2 | 27

#6173388 - Thursday 15 January 2015 15:55

You have a good side and an evil side!

By Adm_Twigs | 19

#6173389 - Thursday 15 January 2015 15:55

strange how some genes make you look like two face... I'm sorry OP Better find a two headed coin and make the best of a bad situation... COMICCON

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6173593 - Thursday 15 January 2015 20:09

"Wow it looks so realistic! Can I take a picture with you?"

Reply

bluebluhblou | 15

#6173633 - Thursday 15 January 2015 21:01

"can I touch that makeup. Wow, It's so firm. Tell me your secret...."

By Unlovable_Me | 14

#6173391 - Thursday 15 January 2015 15:57

"Heads or Tails?"

By Queen_bee1234 | 21

#6173392 - Thursday 15 January 2015 15:59

Why so serious OP?

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#6173393 - Thursday 15 January 2015 15:59

did you get to meet the Joker? lucky

By Miss_Chevious | 37

#6173394 - Thursday 15 January 2015 16:00

look on the bright side, now you can easily cosplay two-face

By Deniedmydignity | 12

#6173395 - Thursday 15 January 2015 16:01

I guess you could say there are two sides to this story.....

By TanzWolf | 26

#6173398 - Thursday 15 January 2015 16:02

Ale the most out of it. Try to meet batman!

Reply

TanzWolf | 26

#6173629 - Thursday 15 January 2015 20:51

6 hours later and I realized autocorrect screwed me over.
*Make

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6173976 - Friday 16 January 2015 6:28

#44: "Ale" isn't bad advice, either.

By FemskyD | 26

#6173399 - Thursday 15 January 2015 16:04

Early halloween party?

By LifeFailure | 16

#6173402 - Thursday 15 January 2015 16:09

If it's only on one side, I wonder if it's a reaction to the laundry detergent you're using which may be on your pillowcase.

Reply

sturschaedel | 27

#6173452 - Thursday 15 January 2015 17:19

That's what I was thinking. Maybe try to switch to a hypoallergenic detergent and see if it clears up.

Reply

Dordanni | 10

#6173824 - Friday 16 January 2015 2:21

It might not be an allergic reaction, but bacteria from sweat/drool at night. Put a fresh towel on your pillow every night that way bacteria doesn't have a chance to grow on the pillowcase itself.

Reply

lindora | 35

#6173997 - Friday 16 January 2015 7:02

I was thinking it could be a cell phone too, the bacteria on it or something