Kids and Miscellaneous: Today, I had to remove my brother's pubic hairs from the bathtub... - FML

By Waitingtomoveout

Today, I had to remove my brother's pubic hairs from the bathtub before bathing my son. FML

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Proactive

Season finale

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous

Today, my date took nearly 10 minutes to get an erection, had to be shown where the entrance to my vagina was, since he kept missing it and poking me in the thigh, he orgasmed after only 3 thrusts, fell asleep straight away, then an hour later had the nerve to ask if I’d had fun too. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 11:01 - Sweden - Skellefte?

No end in sight

Today, my city is in the news because of a huge Covid outbreak in a factory that's under construction. They have over a thousand workers and refuse to shut down to stop the spread. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got pulled over and ticketed while taking cookies to the local police station. FML

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By James

Windows 2019

Today, a group of angry women stormed my boss’s office, complaining I was harassing them and peeping through their windows. I'm a window washer, and these women never buy curtains. FML

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By imsorry - United States - Oakland

SORRY!

Today, I found out how whipped I am when, at the climax of sex, I moaned, "I'm sorry!" FML

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By howdoesthatmakesense - United States - San Francisco

Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML

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By NormalName

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watertown

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML

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By Marty - United States

Today, I've gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local Pizza Hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I've already received 16 calls. FML

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By sore - Australia

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

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By EdwinOEF - United Arab Emirates

Today, I flew to Dubai, en route to my new job in Afghanistan. Both of my bags were lost, my debit card was frozen in London, the next flight was cancelled, and I can't get a hotel room. I'm in the richest city in world with no money and no room. Happy New Year. FML

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By Shelle - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML

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By Shaun - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

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By Maleficia

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

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By shorty4 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend, who is a fully-grown man, that making dinosaur noises in public is no longer acceptable. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at work, we ran out of receipt paper. Someone paid for $3 in gas and asked for a receipt. I explained that the company we order our paper from sent us toilet paper, not receipt paper. He got mad and said that he was never coming back. Twenty minutes later, he was back to get $3 more in gas, wanting a receipt. FML

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By "Boyufd"

Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML

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By ai_lauren - United States - Bayonne

Today, I got 3 different rejection letters mailed to me from the same college. FML

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By what.

Tunnel vision

Today, my boyfriend said that no, I'm not allowed to get glasses and then accused me of wanting to see other men. No, I just want to see. FML

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By Chedder - United States

Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

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By Brit - Reserved

Today, two American guys attacked me for not speaking their language. I'm from England, and they said I'm speaking my own language wrong. FML

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By iwearsilkgownstoeatwaffles - United States - Mabank

Today, my 26-year-old boyfriend came to my apartment to spend the night for the first time. He brought a "blankie" that he insisted was the only thing that could help him sleep. That "blankie" was his ex-girlfriend's silk nightgown. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Margate City

Today, as I was leaving home for my mall kiosk job, my dad asked me where I was off to. When I said I was going to work, he tossed an empty beer bottle to the floor, belched, and said "Bah! Get a REAL job!" He's unemployed and living in my apartment. FML

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By boinger - United States

Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML

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By jobless - United States

Today, I realized after sending out countless copies of my resume to companies, I failed to add my phone number on it. FML

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By kitchencrime - United States

Today, my friend snuck up on me and yelled, "Gotcha!" I screamed and dropped a gallon of blood-red paint on my new, white kitchen floor. Now it looks like I've murdered someone in my kitchen. FML

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By Wellokthen - United States

So Sensual...

Today, things began to get hot and heavy between my boyfriend and I. Suddenly, in a deep, sexy voice, he whispered "God help me for what I'm about to do." Thinking it was just an odd manner of dirty talk, I mumbled about liking it. He then farted very loudly. FML

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By leilei - Philippines

Today, I refused to ride with a friend on a motorcycle because it is unsafe and went to take the bus. As I got off the bus, I got hit by a speeding motorcycle and ended up in hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, I'm apparently so desperate for companionship that my body has subconsciously synced my period with the girl who works in the cubicle adjacent to mine. FML

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By ew. - Canada

TMI

Today, I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. FML

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By Jenbearish

Today, the laziest person in my department came and complained to me, while I was working, that they didn't know why we were so far behind today. Then they went to chat to their friend for 45 minutes. I know why. FML

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By Dumbfounded - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, my wife yelled at me for admitting I take my wedding ring off at work. I explained that I work in a chemistry lab and don't want to damage it. She laughed and said, "Oh please, that chemistry stuff is nonsense anyway." All while reading her horoscope. FML

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By Insane Guy - United States

Today, at work, I jumped under my desk in fear of a nuclear missile attack when the firestation next us let out its new awareness siren. I think I'm going insane. FML

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By Fml24609 - United States

Today, I misspelled the word "failure" in front of all my co-workers. Now I'm not given any writing tasks. FML

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By Kendra_Nine - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 8-year-old sister matter-of-factly said that she's going to get married before me if I don't stop wearing track pants. FML

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By Eureka! I still lose....

Today, I was accused of cheating on our math test, instantly granting me a perfect zero. How? I used the wrong formula on a problem, but ended up with the correct answer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

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Top comments

By Superbaker123 | 14

#7387363 - Thursday 12 January 2017 17:36

Why not make him clean it up? Does he not have any consideration for others?

By takeittoem | 8

#7387359 - Thursday 12 January 2017 17:31

<p>Ugh... should have made HIM do it....</p>

COMMENTS

By chirstinap325 | 21

#7387355 - Thursday 12 January 2017 17:21

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By takeittoem | 8

#7387359 - Thursday 12 January 2017 17:31

<p>Ugh... should have made HIM do it....</p>

By Superbaker123 | 14

#7387363 - Thursday 12 January 2017 17:36

Why not make him clean it up? Does he not have any consideration for others?

By RipperoniPizza | 19

#7387376 - Thursday 12 January 2017 17:50

Must have been a hairy situa.... nevermind..

By 1hardasswoman | 10

#7387382 - Thursday 12 January 2017 18:02

Are you his maid?

By Cadillac_kid_15 | 27

#7387390 - Thursday 12 January 2017 18:19

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By rissa5214 | 14

#7387395 - Thursday 12 January 2017 18:35

#6 sometimes things happen that are beyond our control

Reply

potatoe_barf | 13

#7388556 - Saturday 14 January 2017 19:59

Frankly it's irresponsible to have a kid or engage in unprotected sex if you can't support yourself.

Reply

Raye_Delvego | 6

#7389406 - Sunday 15 January 2017 21:23

<p>Maybe they could support themselves, then got on hard times and had to move back home? we don't know how old the son is, even 5 year olds need help bathing. </p>

By jencredible | 1

#7387402 - Thursday 12 January 2017 18:50

It's like I could've written this. Glad I'm not the only one :(

By OysterPearls | 33

#7387411 - Thursday 12 January 2017 19:09

Um... What?? Just because OP lives with family doesn't make them a bad parent, and their son probably has an even stronger support system in the home because of it. Don't be so judgemental.

By OysterPearls | 33

#7387413 - Thursday 12 January 2017 19:10

That was directed toward #6. Also, not sure why the app isn't letting me directly edit my comment, sorry.