Miscellaneous: Today, I was in a public restroom taking a poop and as I started...

By ToiletRoll - Australia - Frankston

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a poop and as I started unrolling the toilet paper, the whole roll fell off the handle and rolled out underneath the cubicle door. I heard somebody laugh at me. Nobody helped. FML

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Miscellaneous

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Get 'em!

Private Catholic school?

By lean_mean_meme_machine - United States - Tampa

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

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By fuckmylife - United States

Today, I decided to be the sober housemate for the first time in a while. I drove my drunk friends to the bar and back and even bought them pizza before they passed out in the living room. I get repaid by catching my wasted housemate in my room peeing all over my floor, bed, and nightstand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why two of my friends race downstairs to each other to the cafeteria everyday at lunch; apparently there's only one free seat at the table with the rest of their friends, and the loser has to eat lunch with me. FML

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By StinkyDogs - United States

Today, on the way home from the dog groomer, my great Dane had a bout of diarrhea in the car. I slammed on the brakes and my other freshly shampooed dog slid off the seat and into the pile of crap. FML

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By PeeLeg

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

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By onemoreruinedthing - United States

Today, my little brother learned to write his name. How did he tell the family? By writing it in permanent marker all over my 100 year old piano. FML

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By crazy mother in law

Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to have a baby. She decided to call me and explain in extreme detail what positions to try, and when. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my house was broken into. They didn't take much, but they did paint spunking cocks on the walls and furniture. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Georgetown

Make it work

Today, I got my hair cut short, as it hasn’t been cut in well over a year and I was getting sick of dealing with it. I told the hairdresser I would probably look like a boy but she said it would look cute, and that she’d make sure it looks feminine. I loved how it came out, until the kid at CVS asked, “Can I help you sir?” FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on Dr. Phil…

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

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By over and over it - 19/3/2021 16:30 - United States

The receipts, the tea

Today, I found out a guy I used to date is trying to get me fired from my dream job. He found an old flip phone with a text argument we had nearly 17 years ago. He wants me punished for things I said when I was an angry 15 year old-kid. HR is now looking into the whole thing. FML

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By justjoking - United States

Today, my classmate commented on how quiet I am. I responded with, "Well, nobody plots murder out loud," trying to be funny. My teacher tried to get me arrested. FML

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By Mallory - United States

Today, after admitting he had feelings for me, my crush returned from out of town. He'd said that while he was gone, he'd meet people, but only think of me. He came back no longer single. He's known her for 4 days. We've known each other for 6 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, at my strictly Catholic grandmother's funeral, I was made to sit in the row behind the rest of the family, because I was born out of wedlock and wasn't a 'real' member. FML

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By Sanchez - United States

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

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By kirstiexoxo - United States

Today, I had a package stolen from my porch. It was a shipment of customized M and M's for a Valentine's gift. I spent $60 for someone else to eat "I love you" messages. FML

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By chunderful202 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I woke up with a hangover from hell. My clothes were stained with vomit, I was propped up on the sofa with a bowl between my knees, and my hair tied to one side. My mum was taking photos to send to Grandma. FML

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By peanuts - United States

Today, my dog is mad at me due to the fact that earlier in the day I ate 2 peanut butter cookies. Apparently, they were his dog treats. I had no idea. FML

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By Username - France

Driving me mad

Today, at the crack of dawn, I started a 700-mile road trip with my three children. So far, I've stopped four times, settled several arguments, cleaned up spilled yogurt and melted silly putty. 130 miles down, 570 to go. FML

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By chillyinside - Canada

Today, my furnace broke down, almost a month after its twenty year warranty expired. It would have been replaced for free. Now I'm going to have to take out a loan to afford the $4,000 replacement. FML

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By BLEACH Gum

Great Success

Today, I decided to finally bleach my teeth. After 45 minutes of stinging pain, my teeth are still yellow as ever. My gums, on the other hand, are opaque white. FML

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By "ironyyyyyyy" -_- - United States - Marion

Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event to raise awareness of pickpocketing and to give tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of it. After I got back home, I realized my wallet was missing from my pocket. FML

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By Can you say "bandwagon"? - United States

Today, my neighbors discovered Gangnam Style. Ever since I moved in, they've had an obsession with getting wasted by noon and blasting out shitty music all through the evening. I could just about deal with their dubstep fixation before, but now I just want to blow my own head off. FML

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By ostler - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 17:00

Strawberry surprise

Today, my husband got home and shouted he had a surprise for me. I shouted back that I hoped it was his tasty knob with strawberry lube. Nope, he'd picked up my grandparents for a visit now social isolation is being relaxed. They might be in their 80’s but they’re not deaf, unfortunately. FML

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By boardwalk the fuck out of my resturaunt - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I received a tip in Monopoly money. FML

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By Caci Johnson

Today, I sat down at my computer for the first time in a week, and discovered that my cat threw up all over my keyboard. I needed to write up an important document but the chunks were stuck down in the keys, effectively locking it up and making it useless. FML

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By sarahfromthesouth - United States

Today, while in line at the waterpark, I looked down to find my 3 year old daughter chewing on a used band-aid. FML

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By xricardo - United States

Today, I was mistaken for a male prostitute because I was walking home while wearing my speedo after a swim in the public pool. I was arrested and had to stay in a room full of convicts for 4 hours. Still in a speedo. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Mountmellick

Today, I overheard my uncle talking about me to his friends. Nothing serious, just that he'd fuck me senseless if we weren't related. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Schnecksville

Today, I found out that my "girlfriend" is only with me for free transportation. She even has my contact saved as the car emoji. FML

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By Badhairday - Canada - Whitby

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

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By Anonymous

Looking for another one!

Today, I finally got a Christmas gift, a calligraphy set, for my father that I have been looking for for a month. My dad came home happily with the same calligraphy set today, saying that he surprised himself for Christmas. He got it cheaper than me. FML

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By Anonymous - Luxembourg

Today, my mother told her friends that I work as a call girl. I'm a call center agent. FML

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By "skinnydick" - United States - Clifton Park

Today, while riding the bus, I saw my ex-girlfriend get on. Despite several seats being open, she specifically sat next to me. I was at first happy, thinking she might want to make up. Nope, she instead blocked me in with her bag and spent the entire time showing me pictures of her new lover's dick. FML

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By Sal - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

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By Audrey - 21/7/2020 14:01

My eyes! My eyes!

Today, I walked in on my mom masturbating. I want to run away. I feel violated. FML

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By noname - France

Today, I received a really nice red satin set of underwear, with a bra, a thong and a corset... From my grandfather. FML

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Top comments

By organizse | 28

#6246849 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:16

Squat and waddle. Hope for the best.

By swanheart | 35

#6246847 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:15

Could you not pull it back in with the end you had hold of?

COMMENTS

By swanheart | 35

#6246847 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:15

Could you not pull it back in with the end you had hold of?

AlwaysWatching | 27

#6246978 - Sunday 29 March 2015 20:59

Maybe OP was flipping the roll to get to the side with the beginning of the paper but then as they were rolling it in that way it fell off

Tarlachia | 33

#6247086 - Sunday 29 March 2015 23:20

They could at least still pull only what was needed and take care of business...

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6247372 - Monday 30 March 2015 6:41

If they pull it could just rip though and then he'd be left with nothing. Hope he was able to get what he needed.

onlychildFTW | 33

#6247433 - Monday 30 March 2015 9:49

Do you really want to use toilet paper that had been all over the floor of a public bathroom? Gross. Just there those underpants out after. Haha.

By organizse | 28

#6246849 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:16

Squat and waddle. Hope for the best.

By Tomgirl_Julie | 19

#6246851 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:17

Looks like you're in a "shitty" situation

paintedchocolate | 30

#6246881 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:24

It only took 3 comments for this to happen? Really?

Go stand in a corner and think about what you just did!

AllSoul | 23

#6246988 - Sunday 29 March 2015 21:11

How are people even still trying to use this pun?

By davisjenny81 | 30

#6246852 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:17

Reminds me of a time when I was out of toilet paper in an airplane bathroom

By Albuca | 13

#6246855 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:17

Hopefully there was a new roll around somewhere for you to use!

By MrSarary | 26

#6246859 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:18

You still had toilet paper, what did you expect people to help you do?

AllSoul | 23

#6246990 - Sunday 29 March 2015 21:13

No, OP no longer had the toilet roll, it rolled away and hoped the person who laughed would give it back. Or anyone.

By LOLouis_fml | 24

#6246861 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:18

"Oh, shit!"

By Nexa_fml | 21

#6246862 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:18

Shit happens..

AllSoul | 23

#6246992 - Sunday 29 March 2015 21:14

Really? You're really going to attempt that comment?

By FitFriday | 32

#6246871 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:20

That's so evil.

By rachelllllb | 18

#6246882 - Sunday 29 March 2015 19:24

that sounds like a pretty shitty situation :p

Ravensmoon666 | 19

#6246979 - Sunday 29 March 2015 21:02

Your joke is overused.