Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with...

By messyfamily - 19/9/2010 07:31 - Australia

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

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Love

Everyone's an expert

DINOSAURS!!

Hello everyone!

By dazedandconfused - 18/9/2016 09:44 - United Kingdom - Dorking

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

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By awesome - 23/3/2011 00:18

Today, my friends thought it would be hilarious to show me Marley and Me the day right after I had to put down my dog. I had my dog for 11 years. FML

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By hunter168647 - 2/7/2011 05:50 - United States

Today, I bought an otter box. While setting up my iPhone, I dropped it and it is now shattered. FML

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By BustedEgo - 23/3/2014 05:31 - United States - Norway

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML

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By thegirlofthedad - 29/1/2013 09:48 - India - Mumbai

Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML

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By Thatgirl112 - 8/9/2016 03:59 - United States - Medina

Today, I went on a blind date. Things got hot and heavy, but when he pulled off my pants and saw the Pittsburgh Penguins logo on my thong he stopped and told me to get dressed and that he refused to sleep with the enemy. He was a die-hard Flyers fan. FML

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By caligirl921 - 11/12/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

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By TaffyMichele - 13/9/2012 23:38 - United States - La Verne

Today, my boyfriend told me to text him when I got home to let him know I'd made it home safe. He said if I didn't, he'd assume that aliens had abducted me and that he'd get a new girlfriend. He was completely serious. FML

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By Smiley - 31/12/2016 14:33 - Aruba - Oranjestad

Today, as always, I tend to smile and giggle when I'm nervous. I couldn't stop it from happening at the funeral of my friend's grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 00:05 - Canada

Today, I was walking into my living room when I slipped over the carpet, bashed my head on my glass table, and was moaning in pain on the floor. My parents came running when they heard my head bang... straight to the table to see if there were any scratches on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2019 01:00

Looking for another one!

Today, I finally got a Christmas gift, a calligraphy set, for my father that I have been looking for for a month. My dad came home happily with the same calligraphy set today, saying that he surprised himself for Christmas. He got it cheaper than me. FML

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By gullible - 21/2/2010 02:38 - United States

Today, I travelled across an ocean to visit the guy I'm dating. He lied to me about his apartment; he lives in a dorm with a twin-sized bed and a bathroom he shares with 8 guys. Just now, after taking 3 trains from the airport to his "apt", he asked me to edit his essay while he goes to class. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 04:23 - United States - Clarks Summit

Today, I had an allergy test. Not only was I allergic to 35 out of the 40 items, they also found out that I'm allergic to the latex gloves my doctor happened to be wearing. Now my entire back is covered in a rash that will last at least another week. FML

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By ashleyevans - 4/4/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 22:17 - Australia

Today, I competed in a ballet competition and made the finals, while I was on stage awaiting the results, I sneezed really loudly and snot went flying all over the stage. When I went to accept my award the woman presenting it refused to shake my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2015 19:51 - United States - Seattle

Today, a cute guy asked me if I was single. When I said yes, he said "Yeah, you look like the type", and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2018 17:30

Today, my dad's new medicine for his bad intestines makes him fart so hard I can feel the vibrations through the floorboards. The whole house smells like an open sewer and he thinks it's funny. He now has to change his undies several times a day from repeatedly shitting himself. FML

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By chels - 10/12/2012 07:47 - United States - Youngstown

Today, my boyfriend got done with Marine combat training. The first thing he asked for weren't pictures of me but pictures of his car. Missed you too babe. FML

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By Al Staten - 6/12/2016 22:03

Today, my new boss asked me to handle a very difficult client, warning me that, "He's kind of a dick." My accidental response? "That's fine, I'm great at handling dicks." FML

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By Peter Parker - 30/8/2016 23:19 - United States - Redlands

Today, after a few days of getting what seemed like an odd, scattered rash every time I showered, I finally figured out the problem. It turns out I wasn't just allergic to all the different soap I tried. Apparently a family of very angry spiders have decided to make my loofah their new home. FML

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By Annoyed - 28/10/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she bought the same perfume that my boyfriend got me for Christmas last year. He loves that perfume. Now, whenever he smells me, he's going to think of his mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2016 14:01 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had to listen to my brother whine yet again about being single and how unfair it is. This is a guy who owns an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt and has more than once referred to women as "vaginas with a person attached". Last time I called him out for being such a dick, I got punched. FML

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By Username - 10/2/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I got into an accident and my car was totaled. My friends then took me out to a bar for a drink to make me feel better. It appears that the police officer had kept my I.D by mistake and I couldn't get into the bar. FML

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By Ah - 8/3/2010 05:42 - France

Today, my boyfriend said we should re-enact a porn episode he saw. I jokingly said yes. He had an outfit and everything. I thought it was going to be fun, until he started playing Bon Jovi in the background. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2013 20:01 - Portugal

Today, my girlfriend convinced me to do some bedroom roleplay, and we decided on acting out a job interview scenario. I suggestively told her that if she wanted to get the job, she'd have to use her mouth on something else first. She called me a pig and ended the roleplay right there. FML

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By NJ - 24/1/2009 10:41 - United States

Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend that I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlock our flat to see that the place was a mess. She had thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML

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By dancincherrychic - 25/10/2015 19:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was making sweet potato chips using my new slicer. I didn't mean to make a pinky finger chip as well. FML

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By CD - 11/1/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2011 00:40 - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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By AnxietyGirl - 24/9/2012 07:18 - United States - Parker

Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML

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By cherbear1000 - 17/6/2013 04:33 - United States - Nottingham

Today, my daughter had ice cream while I was napping. She didn't want me to know so she put the bowl in the trashcan and put the spoon in the garbage disposal and turned it on, because she thought it would make the spoon disappear. FML

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By CheesyCasey - 30/5/2013 00:51 - United States - Detroit

Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML

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By JulietMarie - 10/10/2014 19:12 - United States - Baldwinsville

Today, I got my first compliment in over a year. It was from my gynecologist, saying I have a beautiful cervix. FML

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By ugadawgs09 - 2/11/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I heard a notification on my iPhone. I thought nothing of it until we were done, and then I checked it out. My mom had posted on my Facebook, telling me that if I didn't keep it down, she was going to come up to my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 21:40 - United States - De Forest

Today, I noticed that my boyfriend's sister looks at my ass more than my boyfriend does. FML

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By waaah - 25/6/2012 07:00 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He decided he would be a gentleman and do this to me at work, over text, during a rush of unsympathetic customers, the day before our anniversary. FML

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By Fat Arsed Lass - 1/6/2014 10:28 - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, while laying on the couch my cat came and laid on me. Turns out my ass is big enough for my 13 year old cat to walk around in circles, wash itself, stretch and sleep. FML

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By JLoistheBomb - 11/2/2009 00:01 - United States

Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML

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By zwillywilly - 10/8/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was working in a warehouse where fellow employees were kicking empty boxes around. Seeing a box, I got running distance and kicked it as hard as I could, only to look up in horror to see that I had kicked into our CEO's face. I still had both my arms up in score mode. FML

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By stuck - 12/6/2016 05:59 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He decided to lock me in the apartment until I say that we are in fact still together. This is the 4th time he has done this. FML

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Top comments

By Xquisite1 | 28

#1427156 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:18

wow, what a screwed up family that you belong to

By bluecat_fml | 0

#1427192 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:22

wow some relationship labyrinth

Comments

By Jessi2487 | 0

#1427143 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:17

wow haha

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1427184 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:21

So what? It's like trading spouses/swimgers!

turtlemansam | 6

#1427195 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:22

"omagosh... NO WAY!"
Can someone please tell me where that is from?

ifyouseekamy666 | 0

#1427210 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:23

ahaha my friend always tells me about his coach who always hits on his (not divorced) mom so he's just a total ass to his coach it's great :P

Jessi2487 | 0

#1427215 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:24

yeaa it good for the enviroment too... recycled husbands will keep the air nice and clean.

ShorTiE4LyFe | 0

#1427379 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:54

"On this episode of Wife Swap..."

passionpitpanda | 5

#1427437 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:16

aw fuck :(

sonic_boom | 0

#1427467 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:25

7 u are so Fucking Ugly

DuckOnAStick | 0

#1427501 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:38

Your one to talk... don't even have a pic and your calling people ugly. Smart one!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1427572 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:58

Since when do you need a pic to call someone ugly?

zerobahamut03 | 2

#1427719 - Sunday 19 September 2010 18:58

@#31 yea! people can be ugly in the inside...on a side note i dont see what the problem is op. looks like a win win situation to me.

priscilla_28 | 5

#1428896 - Monday 20 September 2010 3:58

Your nickname said it all...

glambert1998 | 0

#1428954 - Monday 20 September 2010 5:37

who cares whos hot whos ugly dude with the knight photo!

_TONGAN_ | 5

#1429035 - Monday 20 September 2010 6:45

haha Rednecks like to keep it on the family circle rotation haha lol

Sockmonnser | 0

#1429152 - Monday 20 September 2010 7:32

In what situation would you be forced to listen to her conversation? Even so, I don't see why you couldn't try to block her out.

turtlemansam | 6

#1432918 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 3:03

I changed my pic. Happy?

By textingfreak | 0

#1427154 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:18

That sucks fyl!

By Xquisite1 | 28

#1427156 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:18

wow, what a screwed up family that you belong to

By bluecat_fml | 0

#1427192 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:22

wow some relationship labyrinth

By ily1210 | 10

#1427203 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:23

LMFAO.

Bball_boy15 | 3

#1427635 - Sunday 19 September 2010 18:29

do u have something up ur ass

screelov | 0

#1427662 - Sunday 19 September 2010 18:38

8. are you trying to look funny in your pic? cause... ew.

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1428789 - Monday 20 September 2010 2:26

you made my day sad : /

Mclovin_95 | 0

#1431556 - Monday 20 September 2010 19:56

haha dats mest up..lmao but it was funny

By MadameJello | 0

#1427207 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:23

sounds like a Tyler perry movie xD

adddadancer | 0

#1427646 - Sunday 19 September 2010 18:32

haha it really does. everything is so twisted

sprawlguard | 0

#1428973 - Monday 20 September 2010 5:59

Lmfao ftw

By YouSuckAtLove | 0

#1427212 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:24

mwomp mwomp, sucks for you. i would love to see a reality series of this.

By A_Khalifa | 0

#1427232 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:28

Not an fml. Your mom should write an fml for having an immature whiny bitch child.

YouSuckAtLove | 0

#1427244 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:33

touche.

patiencek | 0

#1428250 - Sunday 19 September 2010 21:35

I live near that sign! I almost peed my pants when I drove past!

By lovesteph3523 | 0

#1427282 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:39

haha that's messed up

By bravesfan112233 | 0

#1427296 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:40

it's half the money but double the fun!