Love: Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with...

By messyfamily - Australia

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

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31626

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Love

Triage

Breaking Badly

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By badeats - United States

Thanks

Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc bag. I thought they were sour cream and onion chips from the look. They tasted funny, but I didn't want to be rude and I kept eating. I looked closer after a while and noticed that what I thought were chives was actually mold. FML

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49478

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 17:02 - United States - New York

NYC public transport

Today, there was a pretty girl sitting near me on the train home. I thought about asking for her number. Instead, a drunk nitwit decides to wander about the car and comes very close to touching her. She got up and moved to the other end, while I had to deal with a belligerent hobo who was now intent on fighting me. FML

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742

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By maddy - France

Today, I'm looking for a job, and the employer I spoke to by phone was busy, but before hanging up he said "we will call you soon". I still wonder how he plans to do so without even having asked for my number. FML

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22723

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By Dummy - United States

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

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32490

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it was snowing. I slipped on the ice and fell in the middle of the road, dislocating my left shoulder and knee. As I was screaming in pain and trying to stand up, two boys on the pavement threw snowballs at me while everyone in the cars just drove around me. FML

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38101

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

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37266

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4688

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By juliaspaperbags - United States

Today, I was at the lake watching a romantic sunset with my boyfriend. He tenderly started touching my thigh, then started shaking my leg to the rhythm while singing the J-E-L-L-O theme song. FML

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50728

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By anon - Australia - Sydney

Today, I spent hours cooking an amazing dinner for my family, who had just gotten home from a trip, so we could spend some time together because I'd started to miss everyone. When they got home, they saw it all laid out and just took plates to their room, without even telling me they were home. FML

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31158

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2484

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By natattack - United States - Temple

Today, I officially became a divorced marriage counselor. FML

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49505

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7949

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By boner - United States

Today, I was spacing out in French class and randomly got an erection. My professor called on me to stand up at the front of the room and say, "I am wearing a belt," in French. Not everyone was observing just my belt. FML

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36579

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By disappointed - United States

Today, after having saved up my money for months to buy my college-bound son the car of his dreams, I got a phone call telling me it had been totalled during a drag-race. I only gave him the keys two days ago. FML

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34149

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By Anonymous - Finland

Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML

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5043

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2235

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By oh - United States - San Francisco

Today, my ex-girlfriend woke up from a coma that lasted a few months. Her parents called me from the hospital shortly after because she was in hysterics that I wasn't there. Apparently she thinks we're still together, and I now have to somehow break up with her again after almost a year apart. FML

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24424

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By Anonymous - Canada - Burlington

Today, I went to a hockey game. While warm-ups were happening, my favourite player pointed at me and tossed me a puck. It bounced off my hand into another girl's, who was a fan of the other team. She refused to give it back, then walked away and said, "I can't wait to sell this on eBay." FML

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24949

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2021 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Truth

Today, I recently started seeing a girl and I slept over at her house for the first time. Apparently, I still talk in my sleep. This morning she told me I whispered, "I love you so much." FML

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725

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124

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By fatty - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

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60601

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 14:01

Bye bye love

Today, according to my emotionally distant boyfriend, stopping by a whorehouse on his way home several nights a week for a quick blowjob isn’t cheating, because it involves cash and no intimacy afterwards. Dumped his ass real quick. FML

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1655

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155

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By Dear Lord Save Me - United Kingdom - Merthyr Tydfil

Today, I was shopping with my dad and I saw one of my guy friends, so we waved and smiled at each other. My dad clearly thought his wave was too "romantic", because he shouted at him, "Touch her, and I'll kill you." FML

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35087

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By What does this button do? - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my new apprentice took, "What does this button do?" to a new level when he pushed an emergency, "Stop all" button, causing my firm to miss multiple deadlines, causing massive losses In profits. FML

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6757

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By Anonymous

Impossible relationship

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

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1775

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193

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By MUemma - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML

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14805

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By The_Life - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and things were getting heated when he got a call from one of his mates wanting to play Counter Strike. Next thing I know, I'm laying in bed by myself listening to him rage. FML

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11913

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By meesa in big doo do dis time!

Today, I learned that all of my "friends" refer to me as the, "Jar Jar Binks" of our circle of friends. FML

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3454

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By aqua88 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML

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40953

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By CutieBooty - United States

Today, after some passionate love making with my husband, I accidentally farted on his leg. He shrieked and frantically began shaking his leg while screaming, "Get it off! Get it off!" FML

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24273

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By straightasaneedle - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

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41476

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By Malarky - United States

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

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15090

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML

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14952

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By none - United States

Who said life was better before ?

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1 p.m., smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4 a.m., jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

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13104

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By Amy - 6/3/2020 07:00

Adapt, overcome, improvise

Today, I was squeezed through an overly-crowded hallway down to my psychologist's. There, I sat in an overly-crowded waiting room to see him, next to an obese woman and an insane man. I finally entered the smaller-than-a-closet room. My reason for seeing a psychologist? Claustrophobia. FML

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1489

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143

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By MedChew - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML

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20995

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By Meghan - 5/9/2020 08:01 - United States - New York

Breaking

Today, my mom told me that she had great news: we were going to meet my biological parents. I didn't know I was adopted. FML

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1599

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the middle of an interview; it was going great until I started coughing. That coughing led to an asthma attack, which led to nonstop gagging. I couldn't even answer his final question, "Are you okay?" FML

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44241

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By How? - United States - Glasford

Today, a bird crashed into my face. I didn't think that actually happened to people outside of cartoons. FML

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2934

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188

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By RevolutionLove - United States

Today, at a gynecologist's appointment, I was privileged to have 7 co-ed nursing students stare at my vagina for 25 minutes as part of their training. At one point the doctor apologized for having to "open me up more than usual", but said she wanted everyone to get a good view. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48305

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5343

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By TheAnnoyedNeighbor - United States

Today, I came back home to find that my house had been robbed, one week after my neighbors. I was walking around my neighborhood to see if anything was suspicious, and discovered that my neighbors had put up a sign, reading: "Rob the neighbors, THEY don't have a security system." FML

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37382

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3260

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By elmoisdead2131 - 9/2/2021 14:01

Hey, well, happy birthday anyway

Today, my parents took me out to dinner. I thought they were taking me because it's my birthday. Turns out they are getting divorced. They forgot it was my birthday. FML

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1164

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched a grizzled, old gas station attendant with a stain on her blouse use my driver's license to pick something out of her teeth. FML

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36124

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2902

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while in a hotel, I left the room to get some ice. Since my parents left the door wedged open, I didn't worry about trying to find the room number. Without thinking, I walked in to another room that was also wedged open. Yes, there were people in it, and yes, they were both naked and hairy. FML

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22896

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By sarahh38 - Canada

Today, I went on a blind date. We had agreed on meeting in front of a park. Thinking I was there first, I texted her "I'm already there, sitting next to the fat chick." I heard a beep. SHE was the "fat chick." FML

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23133

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Top comments

By Xquisite1 | 28

#1427156 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:18

wow, what a screwed up family that you belong to

By bluecat_fml | 0

#1427192 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:22

wow some relationship labyrinth

COMMENTS

By Jessi2487 | 0

#1427143 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:17

wow haha

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1427184 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:21

So what? It's like trading spouses/swimgers!

turtlemansam | 6

#1427195 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:22

"omagosh... NO WAY!"
Can someone please tell me where that is from?

ifyouseekamy666 | 0

#1427210 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:23

ahaha my friend always tells me about his coach who always hits on his (not divorced) mom so he's just a total ass to his coach it's great :P

Jessi2487 | 0

#1427215 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:24

yeaa it good for the enviroment too... recycled husbands will keep the air nice and clean.

ShorTiE4LyFe | 0

#1427379 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:54

"On this episode of Wife Swap..."

passionpitpanda | 5

#1427437 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:16

aw fuck :(

sonic_boom | 0

#1427467 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:25

7 u are so Fucking Ugly

DuckOnAStick | 0

#1427501 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:38

Your one to talk... don't even have a pic and your calling people ugly. Smart one!

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1427572 - Sunday 19 September 2010 17:58

Since when do you need a pic to call someone ugly?

zerobahamut03 | 2

#1427719 - Sunday 19 September 2010 18:58

@#31 yea! people can be ugly in the inside...on a side note i dont see what the problem is op. looks like a win win situation to me.

priscilla_28 | 5

#1428896 - Monday 20 September 2010 3:58

Your nickname said it all...

glambert1998 | 0

#1428954 - Monday 20 September 2010 5:37

who cares whos hot whos ugly dude with the knight photo!

_TONGAN_ | 5

#1429035 - Monday 20 September 2010 6:45

haha Rednecks like to keep it on the family circle rotation haha lol

Sockmonnser | 0

#1429152 - Monday 20 September 2010 7:32

In what situation would you be forced to listen to her conversation? Even so, I don't see why you couldn't try to block her out.

turtlemansam | 6

#1432918 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 3:03

I changed my pic. Happy?

By textingfreak | 0

#1427154 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:18

That sucks fyl!

By Xquisite1 | 28

#1427156 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:18

wow, what a screwed up family that you belong to

By bluecat_fml | 0

#1427192 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:22

wow some relationship labyrinth

By ily1210 | 10

#1427203 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:23

LMFAO.

Bball_boy15 | 3

#1427635 - Sunday 19 September 2010 18:29

do u have something up ur ass

screelov | 0

#1427662 - Sunday 19 September 2010 18:38

8. are you trying to look funny in your pic? cause... ew.

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1428789 - Monday 20 September 2010 2:26

you made my day sad : /

Mclovin_95 | 0

#1431556 - Monday 20 September 2010 19:56

haha dats mest up..lmao but it was funny

By MadameJello | 0

#1427207 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:23

sounds like a Tyler perry movie xD

adddadancer | 0

#1427646 - Sunday 19 September 2010 18:32

haha it really does. everything is so twisted

sprawlguard | 0

#1428973 - Monday 20 September 2010 5:59

Lmfao ftw

By YouSuckAtLove | 0

#1427212 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:24

mwomp mwomp, sucks for you. i would love to see a reality series of this.

By A_Khalifa | 0

#1427232 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:28

Not an fml. Your mom should write an fml for having an immature whiny bitch child.

YouSuckAtLove | 0

#1427244 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:33

touche.

patiencek | 0

#1428250 - Sunday 19 September 2010 21:35

I live near that sign! I almost peed my pants when I drove past!

By lovesteph3523 | 0

#1427282 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:39

haha that's messed up

By bravesfan112233 | 0

#1427296 - Sunday 19 September 2010 16:40

it's half the money but double the fun!