Today I had to listen to my father lecture me on all the potential dangers of Halloween. He has a speech for every holiday, every year. I'm 28 years old. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was confronted by my father after I got back home from a party in the early hours. He demanded to know if I'd been doing any drugs, and then decided to give me a scare lecture on the dangers of alcohol. I'd had a few beers. He had the smell of tequila on his breath. FML
Today, I was driving my dad, who recently turned 50, to the store and had to listen to him go on and on that he’s having to accept that, as my siblings and I get older and are more independent, he’s having to transition from "sex god to just a dad." I don't know either. FML
Today, my son won’t stop crying, all because I told him he couldn’t go trick-or-treating in April. FML
Today, I heard my dad complaining that he won't be able to go to a concert, because it's happening on my birthday. This is the first time he's even acknowledged my birthday in over ten years. FML
Today, I thought about how my dad went to get me a Halloween costume and hasn't come home yet. That was 11 years ago. We've moved twice since then. FML
Today, my dad gave me a twenty minute lecture about responsibility and how lazy he considers me to be. He then yelled at me for not making his bed and getting his clothes off the floor. FML
Today, I had to listen to my mother painstakingly spell out to me why broken glass is extremely dangerous. Feeling insulted, I jokingly asked her if she thought I was "retarded". I then got yelled at for "swearing." I'm a fucking adult, but my overprotective and condescending mother seems to think otherwise. FML
Today, my dad had fun embarrassing me as much as possible in my parent-teacher conference by moaning whenever the teacher talked. FML
Today, my dad forced the whole family to sit through a two-hour lecture, with supporting research, on how the "Mayan prophecy" is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he thinks we're all borderline brain-dead, gullible fuckwits who believed it to begin with. Thanks, dad. FML
Today, my dad is forcing me to go shopping with him tomorrow for Black Friday, because he's convinced that my martial arts classes will come in handy when people "inevitably" try to beat the shit out of us in the rush for cheap stuff. FML
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Top comments
Classlfied 4
Move out
CopeStraight 3
Rule 1: don't take candy from the creepy dude down the street
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Comments (123)
alpha_kennyBody 3
you can never be too careful. your pops is just being a good parent lol
KiddNYC1O 22
I believe there is such thing as being too careful.
copo37 7
All those sweet tarts are actually ectasty tabs. He's making sure you don't confuse tripping balls with a sugar rush.
captainfalcon7 0
what does he say about Christmas? "watch out for santa, cause if you've been naughty he'll get you!"
lilvic56 5
"Now remember, in case you see a man with a white beard, that does not mean he's Santa. You shouldn't go in his 'sleigh' nor should you reach into his sack in search of a free candy cane. Oh, and don't jingle his bells!"... Prepared for the possible thumbs down >.
HomeAl0ne 20
"Watch out for Santa, he's sexually frustrated. He only comes once a year, and when he does he fills your stockings."
firemedic919 0
move the **** on and get over it
Quasar55_fml 18
Beware the kids roaming the streets. They have eggs and TP.
perdix 31
Maybe if you quit trick-or-treating, he wouldnt have to lecture you. It's not cute anymore that you go grubbing for free candy dressed as a hipster parasite. Get a job and buy your own ******* candy!
some_girl9 8
Dude, where does it say that the OP is 1. Trick or treating at all, 2. Trying to be cute, 3. Dressed as a "hipster parasite," 4. Doesn't have a job, or 5. Wants any ******* candy in the first place? It says NONE of that anywhere. You are one miserable jackoff.
belkinbra 12
Leave perdix alone. Just leave him alone. Your lucky he even comments for you bastards.
DocBastard 40
Some_girl9, it's called a joke. Look it up.
upyourzlolz 11
Docbastard, its a Chris corker reference. You know, leave brittney alone?
Bbhd05 0
Ahh perdix you never cease to make me lol. And FYI, it's Christina corker now
some_girl9 8
It's a shitty joke. Which I'm guessing is why Fmylife.com is his outlet for "comedy," though.
stormchaser24 24
TP his house.
SadGirl18 16
My mom does the same exact thing, except only on Halloween lol but he is trying to be a good parent:)
TipOfTheHat 10
I think you should re-read your post and figure out that there is probably a reason he does this! Any holiday stories you wish to share?
obviousboy 8
You're 28, move out already.
HomeAl0ne 20
Or stay there, keep sponging off mom and dad, but convert to Hinduism. I very much doubt that dad has any horror stories about Diwali.