By Gosh Darn Phone Thief - 11/12/2020 23:02

Get 'em!

Today, somebody grabbed my phone out of my hands and ran away with it. I'm a cross country runner, albeit one with stress fractures, but I was able to catch up with them and get my phone back. Unfortunately, the running aggravated my stress fractures and I have to get a plaster cast. Merry fricking Christmas. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

And today, on Dr Phil…

Age ain't nothing but a number

By fml - Canada

Today, I walked to the end of my driveway to pick up the newspaper. I read the front page that was talking about people who have been getting hurt from slipping on ice. Laughing about that thought and walking up my driveway, I slip. FML

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By NaniNarcotic - Australia

Today, I thought it'd be funny to knee my sister's ass as she was bending over. What I didn't realise was that she was trying to pick up a spider. In shock, she threw it in the air and it landed on my chest. I ran into a wall trying to get it off. FML

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By Evalynne - United States - New Orleans

Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to do an assignment about my greatest achievement and about an award I've received. I don't have either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, marks my third day of school being closed due to snow. One, and only one, of the teachers has decided that we have to do work online in the meantime. I just so happen to be in three of his classes. FML

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By not a brain cell in sight - United States - Muskegon

Today, my best friend called me a moron for disputing her belief that Canada is in South America. FML

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By Karl

Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

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By Debbie3247 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I taught a high school class on public speaking. When I explained how important it was for a presentation to be polished and professional, one kid asked, "Is it professional for your skirt to be tucked into your underwear? I didn't know they made My Little Pony panties for adults." FML

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By notlaughing - United States - College Park

Today, a girl was telling me how she was very stressed over her parents' divorce and moving away to another part of the state. While I was listening, I started choking on my saliva. She thought I was laughing. She hasn't spoken to me since. FML

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By tacoboy27 - United States

Today, I found out that my father has taken my copy of Modern Warfare 3, and re-wrapped it as a Christmas present. FML

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By mylifesucks - United States

Today, I found out that my 2 week Christmas vacation my boss was talking about wasn't for this year, but 2010. I spent the day with my husband cancelling flights to Florida, and explaning to my 8 year old why we were not going to Disney World. FML

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By moxy

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

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By - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I've reached a level of tired I didn't think was possible. I've had less than 3 hours sleep in the last 72 hours and have not slept more than 20 minutes each stretch because my newborn is so unsettled. The baby has been peacefully sleeping for the last 3 hours and I can't sleep. FML

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By fuck fof and die dad - Germany - Kiel

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

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By Cellismasher - United States

Today, while walking to work, I accidentally dropped my $400 cell phone on the sidewalk. The screen shattered into a million pieces. A woman passing by looked at the ruined phone and said, "Now that's what you call a dropped call!" She laughed and kept walking. FML

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By CanadianEH

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murrieta

Today, I noticed that my penis looks tiny in my girlfriend's hands. Without thinking, I pointed it out to her. Now she thinks I have a small cock, and I think she has man-hands. Either way, we're both turned off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I tried buying alcohol for the first time. I have a baby face, so I had my ID ready. The store owner admitted that my ID looked real enough, but he wouldn't believe it wasn't just an elaborate fake. He very nearly called the cops on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

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By littlemiss - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

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By alanh69 - United States - Woodward

Today, I asked my dad to give me a haircut. After 20 minutes of "fuck"s and "shit"s, he gave up and just shaved my head bald. I pull off the look so badly that two people I don't even know have already told me I look like a psychopath. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Mo I Rana

Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML

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By daddysjudy92

Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML

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By happybirthday - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me a Paul Frank t-shirt. It says "I'm single." FML

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By tvaladie - United States

Today, I was bored and decided it would be fun to pretend to be an undercover cop and pull over other cars. The first car I pulled over was a real undercover cop. FML

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By Punk - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time. Just as I was about to climax, I spotted my greatest fear, a big wasp, only a few inches away from me. I shuddered and made a very unmanly orgasm wail. She now refuses to have sex because she says I "turned her off forever". FML

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By Holly - United States

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

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By christine brown - United States

Today, I got suspended for bringing a "hazardous weapon" to school. They were earrings. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clive

Today, at my local amusement park, I decided it'd be fun to meet someone on the roller coaster by sitting alone and hoping that someone nice would sit next to me. I rode the roller coaster 7 times. I sat alone each time. FML

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By Jacky-Boy - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 02:00

Live dumping

Today, I was having a mass lecture, for 3 classes combined, all microphones muted. I wanted to go to the toilet, so I connected my headphones, and I did my job massively while listening to the teacher. Suddenly, the teacher said, "Oh, close your mic for the love of god." 85 students heard me taking a shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montgomery Village

Today, my sister was crying to me about how her boyfriend never showed up for their date. He's done this many times before, so I suggested the fact that maybe he'd just ditched her. She said that was ridiculous, because "he's Canadian" and according to her, "they don't lie." FML

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By eyesightfail - United States

Cute

Today, I saw a squirrel beside a tree. Thinking it was cute, I stepped closer, picked up a pine cone and tried to lure it to come closer. After about two minutes of silently squatting on someone's lawn holding a pine cone, I realized the squirrel was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my very traditional parents told me that I should start a savings account for my marriage. I told them that I wouldn't get married until much later because I don't even have a boyfriend yet. They said, "Don't worry we already found a boy for you." FML

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By Not-pregnant - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

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By Anonymous

Her House, Her Rules.

Today, my grandma told me she likes to clean the house naked every day. I'm staying there all next week. FML

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By anxiety - United States

Today, I had an anxiety attack because I thought I'd lost my anxiety medication. It ended up being on the shelf right where I left it. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my best friend came over for dinner and a movie. Moments after arriving, she spent an hour on the phone, and ended up accepting another invitation before leaving. I guess it's dinner for one tonight. FML

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By Brooke - United States - Manteca

Today, my mother came back from her trip to Vegas. Her breasts were obviously 2 letter sizes larger. I asked if she got a boob job and she denied it, saying that it's against her religion. She's an atheist, and a liar. FML

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By roseland - United States - Hilton

Today, my boyfriend nicknamed my vagina after a local waterpark. It wasn't even that annoying until his friends started asking me how much I charged to let people "ride n' slide". FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7957439 - Saturday 12 December 2020 0:18

Sue the thief.

No, I don't know that the thief was named Sue. I'm saying you should take the thief to court for damages!

By Grizz8831 | 13

#7957537 - Saturday 12 December 2020 14:32

I would say try and be more aware of your surroundings,, to prevent such things. Not ydi but be mindful. try for to sue for lost wages and damages and avoid criminal charges (obviously talk to a lawyer) but you may not get anything if they are behind bars compared to community service etc. see a doctor for light duty work. basically work out how to make this benefit you the most to take from the bad and try to have a better Christmas. and I hope it heals up fine.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7957439 - Saturday 12 December 2020 0:18

Sue the thief.

No, I don't know that the thief was named Sue. I'm saying you should take the thief to court for damages!

By Grizz8831 | 13

#7957537 - Saturday 12 December 2020 14:32

I would say try and be more aware of your surroundings,, to prevent such things. Not ydi but be mindful. try for to sue for lost wages and damages and avoid criminal charges (obviously talk to a lawyer) but you may not get anything if they are behind bars compared to community service etc. see a doctor for light duty work. basically work out how to make this benefit you the most to take from the bad and try to have a better Christmas. and I hope it heals up fine.

By DarkAngelsBlade | 25

#7957642 - Sunday 13 December 2020 7:57

Phone or fractures, you chose phone, maybe get phone insurance? XD