Miscellaneous: Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML

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There's no helping some people

And today, on Dr Phil…

No pain, no meds

By nicholascageonyourface - United States - Papillion

Today, I was delivering pizza. When I went up to the front door, an elderly lady answered. She was wearing a floral dress that went down to her shins and had a Nicolas Cage mask on with eye holes cut out. When I glanced behind her, I saw her cats had them too. FML

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By lemonadedisguise - United States

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend. When the bill came with a customer satisfaction survey, I put honestly that the "server friendliness" was "below average." Ten minutes later, I had to return to the restaurant to beg the waitress for my keys, which I had left on the table. FML

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By singingseattlite - United States

Today, I was at a symposium at which my colleague was a co-chair. She and a new acquaintance asked me how it was going. I joked that the discussant's only job at this conference was to be an asshole. The acquaintance was the symposium's discussant. The topic was Rude Behavior at Work. FML

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By tay - Australia

Today, I found out that my mother is extremely emotional when it comes to animal deaths when a bird flew into the window and died, and she insisted we have a funeral. FML

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By orangechicken - United States - New Hudson

Today, I found out that my daughter has been watching Supernatural and The X-Files so she'll fit in better at school. I'm not even angry that she's suddenly a brain-dead conformist, it's just that she now has nightmares all the time and insists on sleeping in my bed. She's a kicker. FML

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By bitten - United States

Today, I got bitten by my aunt's dog. My brother was holding the leash. He said he didn't pull the dog away from me because he didn't want to rip my shirt. Meanwhile, the dog was biting a penny-sized chunk out of my hip. FML

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By ProFesser

Today, while heading outside to go to work, I slip on my driveway and my coffee thermos-mug ends up flying out of my hand, and smashes my next door neighbor's brand new truck window. The thermos-mug broke and splashed hot coffee all over his seats too. He's a hard-ass military dude. FML

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By thatsucks

Today, I told my best friend that I liked him and have liked him for a long time. His response was "That's cool. So, when did you get a cat?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 23:01

Let's go girls!

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

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By Lissa

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

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By socially awkward cupcake

Today, a guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

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By zenithbelana - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

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By luciaspiano - United States

Today, I was riding a bus. After having a conversation with my friend, I looked down and saw a little boy looking at me. He asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" As if that wasn't bad enough, when I responded that I was a girl, he said, "Oh. So, why do you have a boy voice then?" FML

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By gabby - Canada

Today, I was on the bus and a woman got on with her 3 young children. I offered her my seat so they could all sit together. When I went to get off the bus I realized I left my bag underneath my old seat. When I tried to get it back the woman hit me and yelled at me for trying to steal her purse. FML

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By HoboWithACondom

Today, my regressive boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

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By Eodowoiono - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

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By :/ - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I finally worked up enough courage to ask out the guy I've had a crush on for months. I texted him, and he thought I was Maddy from work, not Maddie his neighbor. Now he and the Maddy from his work are dating. FML

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By wtffireworks! - United States

Today, at work, there was a police officer waiting for me. Bewildered, I asked what the problem was. Someone had shot fireworks at cars in the parking lot and I was a suspect. Why? Ponytails on men apparently look suspicious. FML

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By Gollumapparently - 13/1/2021 05:01

My precious

Today, my friend and I took an online quiz to find out what character from Lord of the Rings we look like. She got Arwen. I got Gollum. FML

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By spideypowers - United States

Today, as I was using my mom's computer, a spider crawled onto the screen. So as per my usual reaction to seeing a spider, I smashed it as fast as I could. I missed the spider, but now I have to buy my mom a new monitor. FML

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By NotAThief

Swiper No Swiping!

Today, I got a talking-to at work from my new manager for eating other peoples' lunches. Immediately afterwards, I watched my manager leave the room, take MY lunch, and begin eating it. Apparently my new manager is the thief, and I'm now the office pariah who gets the blame. Nobody believes me. FML

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By pantyripper - Australia - Essendon

Today, I ripped my old, worn underwear while trying to pick a wedgie in public. Half ended up in my hand. FML

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By Almost Fired

Today, I got written up for insulting a customer last week, who then rang up to complain about my bad attitude. I was on vacation all last week. My boss doesn't believe me. FML

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By Kristache - Canada

Today, at the restaurant I work at, I gave a man back his change and told him to enjoy the sunny day. He replied by dramatically saying that the sun was his mortal enemy. Thinking he was joking, I asked him if he was a vampire. Turns out he has skin cancer. FML

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By Just wanted a cigarette - United States - Lagrangeville

Today, I wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. My wife, who didn't want me to get them, decided it would be a good idea to jump on the hood of the car while I was driving off. She hit the car and fell off. My neighbor saw this. Neither her nor the cops believe me when I say I didn't hit her. FML

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By IGiveUp

Today, at work, I took a call from an angry customer. After listening to his problem and fully explaining how we could fix it, he called me a stupid girl and said I need more training as I obviously know nothing about my job. I'm the company training coordinator. FML

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By lonelynessinCA - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I pretended I wanted to buy something from a telemarketer so that they would keep talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

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By katieemw95

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

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By Razz - Australia - Lilydale

Today, I got fired, apparently for being racist to black people. When I told my boyfriend, he couldn't stop laughing. He's black. FML

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By Raspution

Today, I received my first customer complaint. It said, "I am a regular customer and when I come in, he is always smiling and tells me he will see me soon when I leave. This makes me feel very uncomfortable." Now I'm under investigation for sexual harassment. FML

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By stardad - United States - Hesperia

Today, my ex purposely taught our kids to call all the Star Wars characters by Star Trek names. I’m not sure what bothers me more, the fact that she did it, or the fact that it makes me utterly insane when they say them. FML

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By confused - United States

Today, I went on a date for the first time in eight months. He didn't make a move. I then asked if we were on a date. He said, "I don't know, I guess." I can't tell either. FML

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By I_dislike_Twilight - United States

Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML

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By Dino - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my new roommate showed me to my room, which I got a good deal on. I noticed a big black spot on the floor in the walk-in closet. When I asked, he said his last roommate committed suicide and he didn't want to pay to have the carpets professionally cleaned, hence the "good deal." FML

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By Sarah91

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

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By ihatemyjob

Today, I worked from 8 to 7 without a break and I'm still not done with my assignment. Meanwhile, my co-worker crafted a piece of paper looking like a watermelon slice and posted a picture of herself seemingly taking a bite out of it. FML

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By unlucky - United States

Today, I went with my sister to her company Christmas party. They had a gift raffle, my number was called and I won $25 for a local restaurant. A few moments later, the manager came over and said, "You don't work here? You can't have that" and took it from me. FML

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By ;_;" - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I went to a really important job interview. During it, I accidentally let out a burp, came down with nervous hiccups, and when I tried to quietly ease out some painful gas that was building up, it came out as a massive, rancid fart. I'll definitely be unemployed for a while yet. FML

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By sad face - Canada

Today, my history teacher confiscated my iPhone. She dropped it on the way back to her desk, and I now have a shattered iPhone screen to fix. FML

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Top comments

By TheGuyOverThere | 0

#673487 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:34

Time you enjoy wasting cannot truly be called wasted ;-)

By Malika_fml | 0

#673504 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:40

how is that an FML?? I'll make a penis out of silly putty any time!!!!

COMMENTS

By christen09 | 8

#673471 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:28

first!

Reply

2dsonicfan91 | 0

#673480 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:28

*clap* *clap* *clap* Bravo. Does your life have meaning now?

Reply

Starchild21 | 3

#673498 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:38

I think that's the closest she'll ever come to a penis.

_________________________________
www.myspace.com/rapid99

Reply

StCharlie | 0

#673725 - Monday 16 November 2009 4:55

did you use it?

Reply

christen09 | 8

#673764 - Monday 16 November 2009 5:25

not anymore now that its gone. fucking bitches i'm never first.

Reply

Say_hi | 0

#673793 - Monday 16 November 2009 6:00

EWIE!

Penis!

By WTFsGoingOn | 0

#673475 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:28

Way to be proactive with your time.

By XxSKELETOxX | 0

#673482 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:31

4th!

By TheGuyOverThere | 0

#673487 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:34

Time you enjoy wasting cannot truly be called wasted ;-)

By Whoa_YouSuckk | 0

#673497 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:38

i bet this is one of those FMLs that'll just end up getting deleted in a few minutes.. that happens with all the funny ones

anyways, that seems like an awesome way to spend a day. (:

By TheSuitGuy | 0

#673499 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:38

This is the trash they put up on the front page now? FML has hit rock bottom, and started digging.

By Malika_fml | 0

#673504 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:40

how is that an FML?? I'll make a penis out of silly putty any time!!!!

By Tevokkia | 0

#673506 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:41

Honestly, why all these FMLs that are just "Today I had nothing better to do than (insert trivial, immature time-wasting activity here)"? They're neither funny nor "FML". I certainly wish I had that much time to be silly. If they really wanted to do something else, they obviously could have, but chose not to.

By mrbob360 | 0

#673508 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:41

a non made up fml... wow

By i_is_a_tr00l | 0

#673509 - Monday 16 November 2009 2:41

Did you shove it up your butthole afterwards?