Love: Today, I had lunch with an old friend I've had a crush on for... - FML

By Anonymous - 19/07/2015 18:02 - United States - Greensburg

Today, I had lunch with an old friend I've had a crush on for years. We're both single, so I figured it to be kind of like a date. Until he started talking about how he told his brother last night that we would never be a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 132

You deserved it 2 724

Fishy anxiety

The patriarchy rules

The wrong end of the stick

By Coryj1220 - 26/03/2014 03:53 - United States - Louisville

Today, while working at Dairy Queen, a customer asked me what was so special about our ice cream cakes, and how they're different from regular cakes. I chuckled, and told her it's because they're made from ice cream. She threw a fit, which resulted in me being written up and sent home early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 997

You deserved it 6 227

By deservedly - 09/06/2014 16:28 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I clogged the only toilet at work. Thinking I could escape and blame someone else, I opened the door, only to see a line of people waiting outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 766

You deserved it 17 393

By TheStroker - 01/06/2019 06:03

Today, I was cleaning off a carrot by rubbing it up and down under the tap over the sink. My 13-year-old son comes in and says, "Mom, you could get a job doing that." I told him that a carrot cleaner wouldn't make much money. He says, "I wasn't talking about carrots." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 636

You deserved it 333

Alexa, play 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 17:02

Spicy

Today, my man complained that I was "not easily approachable", sexually speaking. To clarify, his usual way of signalling his desire is to just lie there, quiet and not moving, and (probably) thinking exciting thoughts. I can't tell if he likes me touching him, unless he signals a lack of interest by falling asleep, that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 175

By praise the prenup - 03/10/2012 00:04 - United States - Delaware

Spicy

Today, I found out that the landscaper my wife hired on my behalf wasn't kidding when he said he was going to trim my wife's bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 740

You deserved it 3 018

By ironies a b*tch - 13/04/2013 05:04 - United States - Chatham

Today, I dressed up as Batman for a comic book convention. I was hit by a car on the way there by a man dressed up as the Joker for the same convention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 061

You deserved it 21 699

By Anonymous - 20/06/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?" I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 145

You deserved it 65 054

By DopeDickDover - 26/10/2015 15:50 - United States

Today, at school, a cute girl kept glancing up at me, giggling, and looking away as soon as I looked at her. So naturally I walked up to her and asked if she wanted to go out sometime. She said she didn't like me, she was just laughing at how big a zit was on my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 304

You deserved it 2 547

By dee - 03/07/2011 05:36 - United States

Today, I decided to sing a sweet lullaby to my two year old son. In the process, he smacked me in the face and told me to please stop. My sister sings to him all the time and he loves it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 956

You deserved it 6 438

By anaph0re - 01/02/2009 15:52 - France

Today, it was good fun getting this nice vampire make-up at my drama lesson. It would have been better if I hadn't forgotten my demake-up. Even better if I could have avoided those crazy glances in the bus home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 671

You deserved it 21 468

By stupid useless criminal - 21/11/2017 19:00

Today, I saw a young child passed out unattended in a hot car so I smashed the windows to rescue him. After waiting with him for 30 minutes, his mom came out and called the cops on me. I officially have a probation violation and the mom went home free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 480

You deserved it 536

By booearns - 17/04/2012 03:47 - United States

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 872

You deserved it 3 148

Milkmaid

By Heifer - 16/05/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 823

You deserved it 21 292

A slight hiccup

By maddie - 14/03/2021 21:30

Today, I got the hiccups at work no fewer than ten times in a row. I'm a cashier and not allowed to leave to go get water. Not only that, but I was called into the office to discuss my “drinking problem.” I don’t drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 39

By Anonymous - 23/06/2013 19:19 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was told by a friend that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. Her defence was that if I had a bigger dick she wouldn't have been, in her words, forced to go elsewhere for sex. My mother's response when I confided this in her: "Ask me if I care." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 226

You deserved it 5 017

By GhettoBeast - 08/09/2009 04:42 - New Zealand

Today, it was the first day of my job at a kindergarten. A boy fell over in the playground, so I ran over to see if he was OK. He got up and had a huge red mark on the side of his face. Shocked, I yelled "Oh my god, your face!" Turns out it's a very large port-wine birthmark and now he won't stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 774

You deserved it 15 573

By bastard - 22/12/2013 21:28 - United States

Today, I went to a nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 271

You deserved it 4 372

By Anonymous - 01/08/2009 00:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, this guy I have been hanging out with for a while came over and we were about to do it. He pulled off my clothes and once I was naked I reached for his zipper. He just backed up and said he was a virgin and simply wanted to see me naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 929

You deserved it 12 251

By Anonymous - 03/12/2010 14:41 - United States

Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 946

You deserved it 10 021

By iamsolid - 20/10/2012 15:10 - United States

Today, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother then confided in me that she suspected it was a prank to get more money from our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 860

You deserved it 1 726

By jonnyc - 17/06/2009 13:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked past a building site near my house, there was a sign saying "WARNING - Beware of the scaffolding". I started laughing at the stupidity of the sign, and walked straight into a metal pole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 451

You deserved it 59 080

Gifts for the whole family

By don’tletthembite - 04/05/2020 02:00

Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 644

You deserved it 115

By angry girlfriend - 25/08/2014 03:27 - United States - West Harrison

Today, I found out that the reason my boyfriend hasn't texted me recently is that he'd forgotten he was dating anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 192

You deserved it 5 643

By Anonymous - 08/09/2016 03:01 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I just got my windshield fixed due to a rock hitting it off the highway. Just one hour later on my way home, a large stick flew off the back of a landscaping truck. My windshield is cracked again. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 14 957

You deserved it 932

By Diana - 13/08/2010 01:06 - United States

Today, I was showing my three year-old that going down the deck steps are perfectly safe. At the top, I tripped on my shoe and fell head first down every step. I now have five stitches and a three year old who won't go anywhere near the deck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 528

You deserved it 8 200

By Anonymous - 24/04/2018 15:00

Today, my son was expelled from school for bullying. The event in question took place off campus, during spring break, and was a friendly scuff. The iPhone video they used as evidence clearly showed the other boy laughing his head off and both of them sharing a coke afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 790

You deserved it 404

By amazed - 18/04/2012 23:08 - United States - Frisco

Today, some Juggalos mocked me for the way I was dressed. Juggalos giving sartorial advice, really? FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 330

You deserved it 3 825

By nerderer - 05/06/2015 02:17 - United States - Duluth

Today, I walked outside to get the paper, and saw a dying bird I assumed had flown into the window. It was warm so I thought it might still be alive. I wasn't wearing my glasses though, and was trying to nurse a dog turd back to life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 759

You deserved it 11 304

You can't see for shit

By Anonymous - 21/05/2021 18:01 - United States

Today, my parents still won't let me drive in the dark. I'm 30 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 648

You deserved it 440

By Anonymous - 06/01/2011 06:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 358

You deserved it 6 097

By birthdaygirl - 11/03/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I decided to get dressed up for school because it's my birthday. I was heading to class in my heels. Then, I rolled my ankle, fell down the muddy hill, pulled a leg muscle, and scratched up my knees. At least ten people saw it. I was wearing a white skirt. Happy Birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 037

You deserved it 15 110

By Canuckster - 10/07/2011 21:41 - Canada

Today, I was invited into a group chat on Skype. Everyone ignored everything I said, so I got pissed and started yelling at them. Then I realised my microphone wasn't plugged in right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 603

You deserved it 57 510

By Hopeless - 12/07/2009 03:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and he was very upset, crying that he had been betrayed. He then began to explain that his friend had slept with his ex-girlfriend. I asked why he was so upset, and he said he still loved her, and really thought they were going to be able to work things out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 463

You deserved it 3 577

By Medic - 29/10/2012 03:10 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 534

You deserved it 4 315

By I hate games - 18/08/2015 20:17 - United States - Belton

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through charades. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 995

You deserved it 5 163

By Anonymous - 01/12/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, I turned 21. It's also the day I learned how it feels to have my foot and leg set on fire by a drunken idiot who thought it was a great idea to splash lighter fluid into an open-pit bonfire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 593

You deserved it 2 704

By Anonymous - 27/09/2011 02:26 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 604

You deserved it 4 860

By ALLALA - 04/04/2009 23:34 - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 855

You deserved it 24 322

By nikko blue - 20/12/2009 07:52 - United States

Today, I decided to try whitening my teeth for the first time. I applied the strips to my teeth and decided to lay down and wait for the thirty required minutes to pass. I accidentally fell asleep and woke up three hours later. My teeth are still in excruciating pain and are covered in white streaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 431

You deserved it 34 268

By Annoyed student - 29/04/2017 04:00

Today, after extensively researching how to properly use in text citations out of fear of my professor reporting me for citing my quotes incorrectly. She reported me instead for forgetting quotation marks on three of my proudly and properly cited quotes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 740

You deserved it 1 515

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Top comments

19990231 29

Monday 20 July 2015 11:32

Sorry but lunch with a single friend does not equal a date. Just friends.

Send a private message

Monday 20 July 2015 11:35

You sort of deserve it for expecting it to be a date sorry :/

Comments

Sir_Mitchell15 14

Send a private message

Monday 20 July 2015 11:18

At least... He not a serial killer? I have no idea how to fix this ???

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Monday 20 July 2015 16:04

So don't reply?

UserOfTheMind 24

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Monday 20 July 2015 11:19

That sucks OP! Maybe he'll change his mind if you keep going on these "not dates"

Send a private message

Tuesday 21 July 2015 0:42

If not a thing, at least a friends with benefits.

UserOfTheMind 24

Send a private message

Tuesday 21 July 2015 11:41

No...

Khepre 22

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Monday 20 July 2015 11:20

There is somebody out there for you, OP. The right person will come along.

XxGaLaXy_HiTzxX 14

Send a private message

Monday 20 July 2015 11:20

You probably dodged a bullet OP. Hope you find someone.

Woedel 25

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Monday 20 July 2015 11:37

How does just liking OP as a friend instantly make him a "bullet"? It sucks for OP but you can't force love/interest.

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Monday 20 July 2015 14:32

Maybe because OP won't be dating someone so emotionally tone-deaf.

gte225 11

Send a private message

Monday 20 July 2015 17:45

Poster probably doesn't know what that expression means.

JohnTheDonJuan 11

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Monday 20 July 2015 22:49

Emotionally tone deaf? Just because someone is romantically interested in you, does not mean you have to indulge them. It's pretty likely the dude has picked up on her feelings and used that story to defuse the situation in a nice way.

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Monday 20 July 2015 11:20

At least he doesn't keep you hanging with false hope

Cads1 24

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Monday 20 July 2015 11:23

So, did you suggest friends with benefits?

19990231 29

Monday 20 July 2015 11:32

Sorry but lunch with a single friend does not equal a date. Just friends.

Steffi3 40

Monday 20 July 2015 11:35

That's what you get for assuming it's a date..

Send a private message

Monday 20 July 2015 11:35

You sort of deserve it for expecting it to be a date sorry :/

Megatron_Griffin 25

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Monday 20 July 2015 11:42

Maybe he just wanted to make it clear how he felt right away so he didn't feel like he was leading you on. As shitty as it had to feel, I've been strung along before, and I would have rathered they were straight forward from the beginning rather than play with my emotions. Stay positive though OP, there is someone for you out there

fakedsincerity 32

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Monday 20 July 2015 14:17

Yeah he sounds like a good guy for being upfront. Maybe he can be an awesome wingman and introduce the OP to someone. That'd be cool.

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Monday 20 July 2015 14:44

That's a good point. Seems a bit clumsy, but I can see what you're saying, if he thought OP liked him but still wanted to be friends.

False_Stupidity 41

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Monday 20 July 2015 20:04

If there's been some miscommunication here then he could also be under the assumption that OP doesn't have feelings for him and that is why he said this. OP may have missed an opportunity.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 155

You deserved it 30

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 118

You deserved it 146