Health: Today, wanting to change from the usual pizza/coca cola menu,... - FML

By j0j0 - 15/01/2009 16:00 - France

Today, wanting to change from the usual pizza/coca cola menu, I decide to cook. After spending 1h30 making a "beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin" I sprinkle a bit of salt on top of it. The top came off the salt. I think it's back to pizzas for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 666

You deserved it 3 815

Mother of the year

Good kid

Empathy lives

Hello little guy

By Anonymous - 14/05/2021 00:00

Today, I put my house shoes on without socks, but felt a rock in them. I shook it free and out dropped a half-crushed roach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 85

By Anonymous - 12/01/2010 07:45 - United States

Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 193

You deserved it 23 703

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 01:03 - United States

Today, I told my roommates they have to go get jobs, because I can't afford to support them or their bad habits any more. They responded by pawning all my DVDs for cash to buy cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 610

You deserved it 7 094

By thanksbabe - 12/01/2013 06:32 - United States

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 011

You deserved it 8 558

By AidenFromSweden - 06/07/2009 18:41 - Sweden

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 724

You deserved it 4 421

It ain't over til it's over

By Anurag1903 - 08/02/2021 12:31 - India

Today, finally in a the right state of mind to move on from my ex, she dropped a nuke in my life by stating she's getting married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 443

You deserved it 728

Healthcare is broken

By Anonymous - 01/11/2020 17:01

Today, after driving 3 and a half hours to the nearest major emergency room, waiting 7+ hours to see my grandfather's bowel cancer specialist, we were told to go back to our hotel. Why? The triage nurse never logged my grandfather into the system, so his doctor went home at 9.00 p.m. when he'd finished theatre. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 188

You deserved it 53

By szechuansauce - 10/04/2017 20:00

Today, my nine-year-old niece found my coloring book that features swear words. I took it away and hid it in a different spot. No less than an hour later, her younger sister found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 991

You deserved it 1 318

By Anonymous - 24/01/2017 16:00

Today, I was rear-ended while heading to my appointment with my physiotherapist. This is the physiotherapist I am seeing to treat the pinched disc I got from being rear-ended 6 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 318

You deserved it 412

By Anonymous - 11/05/2015 17:08 - Denmark - Randers

Spicy

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 613

You deserved it 5 977

By omnomnom - 05/02/2011 00:29 - Canada

Today, I bought a pretty blue parakeet to keep my parrot company, and named her Sky. I went to work a few hours later. When I came home that night, I found my parrot dead. There wasn't a huge mess to clean, though; Sky had already eaten half of his corpse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 778

You deserved it 7 925

By clumsy - 10/03/2017 20:00 - United States - Stafford

Today, I slipped and fell on a piece of plastic. I thought nothing of it until I went to the doctor's and found out that I fractured and dislocated my kneecap. I'm now in a full leg brace and crutches. Prom is five days away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 042

You deserved it 473

#winning

By Anonymous - 17/02/2017 06:00 - United States - Lakeville

Today, I placed $20 in a slot machine at a casino and in a matter of 5 minutes lost it all. My sister then sat at the same machine, put her $20 in and quadrupled her money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 093

You deserved it 1 972

By insulted - 15/11/2011 17:48 - Canada

Today, I was denied membership to an all-women's gym. Why? Because "men are not permitted to join". I am and have always been female. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 023

You deserved it 3 964

By meaganlea - 23/02/2010 05:17 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boss made me some tortellini for lunch. As I was happily eating it, he started to give me a massage, while talking to his friends in Greek. He told me that he said "She's my #1 cashier." Turns out, what he really said was "See, if you feed them well, they let you touch them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 870

You deserved it 6 063

By Anonymous - 11/08/2014 16:27 - Canada - Saint John

Today, after ignoring my concerns and declaring that "safety equipment's for pussies", my husband went rock climbing for the first time. He only sprained his ankle, but is acting like it's broken. He's now playing video games in bed and pissing in a bucket because walking is "too painful". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 133

You deserved it 4 911

By cero_kewl - 05/03/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, while I was on the floor stocking a bottom shelf, a man walked up behind me and humped the back of my head. He ran away laughing. This kind of shit happens all the time. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 453

You deserved it 2 940

Fright Night

By mzgabbster - 24/10/2010 12:21 - United States

Today, I was having the most wonderful bath. The water was steaming, the bubbles were bubbly, and I was reading a really good book. I put my book down to yawn and looked to my right. My gaze was met by the lovely face of my brother's pet tarantula. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 124

You deserved it 3 354

By ripdivine - 24/02/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 257

You deserved it 56 413

By oops secretary - 26/09/2018 12:00

Today, after I had an excellent one night stand with a guy yesterday, I saw him at work. He was a client my boss was trying to talk into a deal. The guy recognised me and accused my boss of sending me to seduce him into signing the contract. The deal fell apart and my boss is livid with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 234

You deserved it 614

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 07:32 - United States

Today, my brother changed the password on my laptop so that I can't log into my profile. All my notes for school are on it and finals start on Monday. Guess who can't remember the new password. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 517

You deserved it 3 852

By Anonymous - 13/02/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart when I ran into this stalker chick. She introduced me to her baby. He's named after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 157

You deserved it 2 923

Metal

By TiredBird - 05/09/2021 17:01

Today, I'm exhausted. My neighbours across the street had an argument about loud metal music. After a threat of, "Turn the heavy metal off or I’ll burn your house down," the music changed to Katy Perry’s "Firebird". For two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 138

By Lifeguard - 04/04/2009 19:03 - United States

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 338

You deserved it 4 484

By Anonymous - 17/07/2014 02:49 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was waiting in a line, texting on my phone. I hear what sounded like a sneeze and said, "Bless you" to the man in front of me. He gave me a dirty look as I began to smell something awful. It wasn't a sneeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 207

You deserved it 4 782

Three's company

By Geoff - 21/12/2020 07:58 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today I've finally found love and contentment in my wonderful relationships with my girlfriend and boyfriend. We are the perfect thruple and very happy together. My mom has just disowned me because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 520

By whoops - 09/07/2014 05:38 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at my football game, I turned around to spit so that it would be away from my teammates. I ended up spitting on a 10-year-old kid walking behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 679

You deserved it 20 096

By gonkc - 04/03/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 717

You deserved it 15 180

By Anonymous - 01/08/2011 04:28 - United States

Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 098

You deserved it 5 758

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 20:00

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 1 021

By CD - 11/01/2010 00:24 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom explained the benefits of douching to me with my boyfriend right there. He began arguing with her about how the vagina is usually self-cleaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 968

You deserved it 2 585

Don't dick around with those guys

By Cuntface McGee - 21/02/2014 21:37 - Romania - Dej

Today, I was chilling out with my friend in a parking lot, when a police officer came up to the vehicle and suspiciously asked what we were up to. My friend sarcastically said, "Uh, doing drugs? Planning a drive-by? Haha!" We soon found ourselves in the back of a cop car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 837

You deserved it 18 566

By Anonymous - 04/02/2016 22:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my psycho-obsessed ex-girlfriend blabbed all about how she got a check in the mail for $1000 from CrimeStoppers on Facebook and Twitter. This explains how my current girlfriend and two of my friends all got arrested last week for having weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 999

You deserved it 4 972

Time just flies by

By Oliver Beck - 17/10/2020 08:03

Today, I found out the girl I like is in love with someone else. Five weeks ago, she told me she's never been in love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 154

Persona non grata

By soupcrackers - 07/10/2020 04:57

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 824

You deserved it 412

By Anonymous - 06/11/2011 21:05 - United Kingdom

Today, the motorway I usually use was closed off due to a major car accident. With no way off the freeway, my trip took three times longer than usual. I lost control of my bladder mid-way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 318

You deserved it 5 577

By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 03:19 - United States - Roanoke

Spicy

Today, I walked in on the 13 year-old boy I babysit masturbating while sniffing my jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 146

You deserved it 2 458

By fuuuuuh - 20/07/2012 05:47 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my family of five and I decided to have homemade sushi. We did not prepare the fish correctly, and now we all have excruciating food poisoning. The worst part? We only have one bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 750

You deserved it 30 760

Bonjour!

By Joshua Sheldon - 19/09/2015 01:56 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, while working alone, I decided to just try some random impressions, and so I ended up doing a French accent when a customer walked in. To avoid embarrassment, I had to continue faking the accent as he struck up a long conversation with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 187

You deserved it 8 501

By Anonymous - 25/04/2009 12:49 - Canada

Today, I was shopping in an upscale store. As I was changing, I heard one of the snobby saleswomen say to mine "You shouldn't bother. She isn't going to buy anything." Determined to "show her", I purchased everything I'd tried on. It came to around $500. My credit card was declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 825

You deserved it 80 460

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Top comments

Timmytwofinger 0

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Thursday 5 February 2009 2:41

try sprinkling salt into your hand and then put it in the food

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:42

lol it's a spice... from my dick

Comments

Timmytwofinger 0

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Thursday 5 February 2009 2:41

try sprinkling salt into your hand and then put it in the food

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Sunday 15 February 2009 20:48

I'm sorry you spent 1 hour and 30 hours doing something. Hahaha, spell check.

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Wednesday 17 March 2010 7:44

read dumbass. it says 1h30 not 1 hour 30 hour

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Thursday 26 August 2010 11:42

Owned!. Good job! Spell check for you too buddy boy ;D

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 13:02

I'd say don't give up. Cooking can be fun, and delicious.

Alanna_Vicious 0

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Sunday 5 April 2009 4:55

Cumin?

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Sunday 12 September 2010 9:42

lol it's a spice... from my dick

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Tuesday 12 July 2011 8:31

I knew someone was gonna say that...

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Thursday 12 January 2012 22:33

Nice pic x(

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Wednesday 1 August 2012 3:51

I see you like Fall Out Boy. Very nice...(:

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Wednesday 13 May 2009 4:06

at #6 a very salty spicy spice. yaa for alliteration!

VictoriaShu_fml 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 21:14

No cumin is not "very salty".

redbluegreen 40

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Thursday 21 May 2009 6:27

I'm laughing at cumin. I don't know if its bad luck with the salt, but don't give up. After all, every one makes mistakes~

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Wednesday 27 May 2009 15:52

ooooh that sucks. ;[

happygoluckyhh 0

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Tuesday 9 June 2009 4:03

Should be more spacific. You wrote "the top came off the salt" Salt doesn't have tops...salt SHAKERS have tops. "The top fell off the salt shaker and poured all over my dinner!" would have been more spacific. Sucks for you, though. I agree with what some other people who said that you should pour the salt in your hand FIRST. At least you learned your lesson.

dontpanic_fml 32

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Wednesday 1 July 2009 20:23

How about you learn how to spell 'specific' first.

VictoriaShu_fml 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 21:16

lol exactly!

frikkinhannah 0

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Tuesday 23 March 2010 19:05

I lol'd at this comment, it was a grammar speech

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Tuesday 2 November 2010 2:16

Actually, "The top fell off the salt shaker and poured all over my dinner!" indicates that the top poured all over the dinner.

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Friday 25 February 2011 11:31

I dunno why I LOL'd so hard at "spacific"

cmyk 19

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Tuesday 22 March 2011 11:47

I read spastic. and lol'd.

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Monday 20 June 2011 3:43

That's so nit-picky. Everyone understood what OP meant, and it's a common expression. You don't say "Pass the milk carton," you say "Pass the milk."

sportcrazychick4 7

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Friday 28 September 2012 19:41

I actually had no idea what he went! Haha so thanks for the heads up!

meta_knight_486 5

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Tuesday 30 June 2009 13:49

That sucks... hard. But, as the saying goes, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again".

mystomachurts 3

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Thursday 16 July 2009 8:07

This is stupid. Carefully scoop up all the salt that spilled. Then throw out any of the beef chili that got the extra salt on it. (I'm doubting the top came off the salt yet you still proceeded to pour it over the entire pot?)

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Wednesday 16 May 2012 15:47

Exactly what I was thinking, try fixing the problem before running over to your computer to fyl about it.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 134

You deserved it 27

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 110

You deserved it 146