Today, I got my braces put on. This is the second time I've had...

By braceface - 14/3/2012 20:12 - United States

Today, I got my braces put on. This is the second time I've had them. The first time was after my cousin opened a car door in my face. This time a jock punched me in the mouth for saying that Reese's taste the same as Snickers peanut butter. FML

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Health

Family values

Oh, hai!

Everyone's an expert

By Sadness - 7/10/2013 18:55 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I have been home sick and depressed for so long that I just found Oreo crumbs in my belly button. FML

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By Stacy - 21/3/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

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By Bad at life - 18/10/2018 13:30

Today, I pulled a muscle in my face. Chewing gum. For the second time. FML

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By rykelmb - 27/5/2016 23:40 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I dropped my father-in-law's friend off at the airport, and I got in trouble because he ended up missing his flight. He only missed it because he forgot to check in. FML

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By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - 17/12/2014 18:47 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

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By I pick em' good - 3/5/2015 17:49 - United States

Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML

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By anonymous - 14/2/2011 13:45 - United States

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

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By jokada - 10/5/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, while powerwashing my deck, a bee flew and landed on my leg. Thinking I'd just wash it away before it stings me, I aimed the powerwasher nozzle at the bee. A bee sting isn't nearly as painful as powerwashing your leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2012 19:29 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I woke up to a text from my mother-in-law saying, "Happy birthday! I hope you have great birthday sex!" I'm now afraid to go over there for dinner tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

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By nomorenakedpicsplease - 7/7/2013 05:21 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I found out that my ex-girlfriend gives out my number to guys who ask for hers. Let's just say that I'll never be able to unsee the pictures that were sent to me. FML

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By anonymous - 5/1/2013 16:16 - United States

Today, I started charging my phone in the car during a family road trip. The car recognized my iPhone as an MP3 player and started playing the audio from the porn video I watched before we left. Everybody heard. FML

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By Daddy - 2/6/2016 08:04 - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, I fell off of the deck in my backyard, which wouldn't have been that bad if my drunk, idiot brother hadn't jumped off behind me yelling, "FINISH HIM!" while delivering a bone-crushing body slam. He is fine. I, however, am currently getting a cast for a broken arm. FML

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By billiams15 - 6/5/2012 21:57 - United States - Katy

Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2013 07:52 - United States

Today, I tried to pick up a girl by asking her what the time was as a conversation starter. She responded by telling me it was time to pick a girl more in my league. FML

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By dcsunshine - 10/11/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, I was excited to hear that I received three of my grad school recommendations in the mail from a very busy professor. They need to be submitted sealed, and of course, my nosy mom decided to open them. FML

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By suckmeoff - 12/4/2009 07:21 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My grandma gave me a hug and a check after wishing me a happy birthday and walked away giggling. I was excited because it was the only gift I had gotten all day. Ten minutes later, I realized that it was actually just my tax refund. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 21:53 - New Zealand - Napier

Today, my girlfriend sent her new boyfriend over to my place to break up with me for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 19:45 - United States - Piscataway

Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML

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By Idontdance - 23/8/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. All of the sudden, my friend goes, "Ok girls, get a guy to dance with." Then everyone scrambled to find someone. There was just enough guy-girl pairs. This hot girl and I were the only two left. She looked at me and said, "Umm, I have to use the bathroom." FML

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By Stressed_Out_Student - 29/8/2018 22:00

That's a lot of damage!

Today, I had to do a still life of a pillowcase for my drawing class. To make up for bad grades I've gotten before, I followed my professor's directions to a T. He took 19 points off because I drew the background when no one else did. We have to do it for every piece. FML

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By onlyolivia - 5/10/2016 14:43 - United States - Elkridge

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my boss why the flowers I got her for her birthday the other day were in the conference room and not her office. She told me she was allergic to them and she had such a bad reaction that it made her go home early. I made my boss sick on her birthday. FML

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By nikki - 4/8/2012 20:05 - Greece - K

Today, what I thought would be a romantic sleepover with the guy I like quickly turned into hell on earth when his girlfriend showed up. I had to scale the fire escape in my underwear so I could get back to my car in one piece. FML

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By crazycat - 13/5/2011 16:23 - Canada

Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML

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By 5220 - 21/4/2009 13:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving back to college. He broke up with me 2 hours into the 3 hour drive. I had to sit in the car with him for the last hour. FML

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By No-Sleep Nellie - 7/7/2015 13:26 - United States - Waterloo

Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

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By Drunkactor - 3/8/2019 06:00 - United States

Today, my boss fired me because of my drinking problem. The reason he thinks I have a drinking problem? I was in a play he saw, in which I played a drunk person. I've been completely sober my whole life. FML

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By argh - 1/2/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, my mother gave my daughter a behavior chart. I noticed that "drinking beer" was at the top of one of the columns. It's a chart for my daughter to use on me so my mother can judge my parenting skills. I am currently losing a sticker right now for being on the computer. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 04:43 - Canada - Qualicum Beach

Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with: "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML

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By spockswifey - 3/11/2010 06:40 - United States

Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he had ever cheated on me. In the most sincere and honest tone, he said "if I ever have or ever will, there's no way you would ever find out. I love you too much to lose you", and gave me a hug. FML

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By Sam - 1/11/2009 23:10 - Canada

Today, I bought an iTunes giftcard worth $50. I tried to scratch off the little silver thing covering the code with a pair of scissors. I scratched so much that it's now unreadable. FML

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By costcocondoms - 23/7/2009 05:23 - Mexico

Today, I was shopping at COSTCO for a romantic evening with my girlfriend, I bought some flowers, dinner and a super pack of condoms, At the register behind me I heard somebody say "Good thing my daughter has a responsible boyfriend." It was my girlfriend's father. FML

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By pinkplasticjesus - 20/6/2009 03:17 - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to eat. I ordered and ate my meal, then went to the counter to pay for it. I threw $2 into the tip jar then got my bill. My bill was $13.86. I had to reach into the tip jar and take my $2 back so I could pay for my meal. FML

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By mugged - 20/3/2011 20:29 - United States

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 03:19 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I walked in on the 13 year-old boy I babysit masturbating while sniffing my jacket. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 18:22 - United Kingdom

Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML

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By siannacasey - 3/7/2011 20:53 - United States

Today, I left my bedroom window open to let in some fresh air while I slept. A skunk got in and sprayed my room. FML

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By me - 12/11/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, while in my drama class, my character in a play has to quickly jump up out from his desk. Somehow, my shirt got caught on the desk, ripping it almost completely off in front of a live audience. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 18:00

Today, on Dr. Phil…

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

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Top comments

By TheDrifter | 23

#4166376 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:15

You dared to insult the mighty Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?

By glittercookies | 12

#4166312 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:11

You're lucky you aren't losing the teeth.

Comments

By cduran2011 | 6

#4166309 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:10

How close were you to the car? Why were you that close?

angrymexican | 8

#4166408 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:18

I thought you didn't know how close he was to the car.

CaptainSlow | 2

#4166606 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:49

He obviously was within the door range of the car, which is perfectly normal, since he was probably going to enter it, however I can't see why you would consider that being relevant to this FML.

grahambertus | 11

#4166622 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:50

Well usually when I exit a car door, I am instantly 30 feet away.

Cad6 | 24

#4166705 - Thursday 15 March 2012 1:10

i have never seen a stupider #1 comment.

osnapitzaris | 0

#4166921 - Thursday 15 March 2012 1:55

reese's cup, reese's cup,
peanut butta chocolate flavaaa

WhoaItsKiernan | 4

#4167116 - Thursday 15 March 2012 2:56

48- I have one irrelivant question. Why is your picture of a chest?

blackheart24 | 10

#4167254 - Thursday 15 March 2012 4:10

I was thinking the same thing. Maybe she's just one of those girls who always includes more chest than face in her pictures.

osnapitzaris | 0

#4167764 - Thursday 15 March 2012 5:59

haha that isn't me. and no, I just posted it because I adore the shirt that she's wearing. i'm really into fashion :)

LMA0 | 5

#4168434 - Thursday 15 March 2012 9:22

I used to make witty comments, until I took an Aero to the knee.

yahoowizard | 16

#4168567 - Thursday 15 March 2012 10:44

79 Too flat to pull that off, in all honesty. Nice collar though

osnapitzaris | 0

#4168715 - Thursday 15 March 2012 12:15

what are you talking about? i legitimately got this from a tumblr picture..

By glittercookies | 12

#4166312 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:11

You're lucky you aren't losing the teeth.

n_epic_fail | 14

#4167179 - Thursday 15 March 2012 3:29

DUCK ALLERT! *warning* the photo of the user above has duck-like qualities.

Bball_boy15 | 3

#4167186 - Thursday 15 March 2012 3:30

He should lose all of his teeth for saying that Reese's taste like snickers peanut butter...

glittercookies | 12

#4168031 - Thursday 15 March 2012 6:47

: really?

LMA0 | 5

#4168415 - Thursday 15 March 2012 9:09

Yes really. =/

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#4166327 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:12

Well does it?

jaflan | 5

#4168250 - Thursday 15 March 2012 7:50

Obviously not one taste great the other taste like butwhole

LMA0 | 5

#4168441 - Thursday 15 March 2012 9:26

Like a whole butt?

By pirringa99 | 0

#4166344 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:13

Well, why were you arguing about that anyway? Also unless you were asking for it, you shouldn't of had your face near the door.

datgamerchick | 14

#4167883 - Thursday 15 March 2012 6:20

Shouldn't have*

By Clozzie | 0

#4166352 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:14

Poor soul, it hurts, doesnt it!

By Calyx_fml | 21

#4166354 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:14

He punched you because he is an ass wipe, not because of anything you did.

jtthegr8 | 26

#4166447 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:20

Oh good they were removed....the guy is definitely an ass hole for over reacting about something as dumb as that

jtthegr8 | 26

#4167379 - Thursday 15 March 2012 5:02

80- it's a natural reaction to fight back

By jtthegr8 | 26

#4166357 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:14

Wow, you should start wearing a mouth guard or something do you don't need braces anymore after this

jtthegr8 | 26

#4166395 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:17

Why did my comment get posted 3 times?

theguy33 | 1

#4167300 - Thursday 15 March 2012 4:38

Pretty sure I would beat the hell out of that guy if he did that to me.

By jtthegr8 | 26

#4166361 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:14

Wow, you should start wearing a mouth guard or something do you don't need braces anymore after this

buck33 | 14

#4167140 - Thursday 15 March 2012 3:07

Do you don't?

bioboy725 | 10

#4168603 - Thursday 15 March 2012 11:02

He meant so. Anyone with even a slight amount of common sense should be able to tell that.

By jtthegr8 | 26

#4166364 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:14

Wow, you should start wearing a mouth guard or something do you don't need braces anymore after this

By TheDrifter | 23

#4166376 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:15

You dared to insult the mighty Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?

mangoqueen | 8

#4166567 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:38

Not saying that OP deserved to be punched in the face; But, c'mon, man! They don't taste the same!

t765234 | 10

#4166798 - Thursday 15 March 2012 1:30

Reese's is the ultimate candy, no arguing about it.

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4166963 - Thursday 15 March 2012 2:00

I-I kinda enjoy Mars :)

rattusrattus | 18

#4167123 - Thursday 15 March 2012 2:59

Ah, the comments of those who have yet to taste real chocolate.

ProhibitionRose | 14

#4167321 - Thursday 15 March 2012 4:43

Snickers peanut butter, in my opinion, are disgusting. Reese's are so much better. It feels like Snickers was trying too hard :( Snickers Almond bars are amazing though...

lyndylove | 1

#4167780 - Thursday 15 March 2012 6:01

Hahahahaha I was waiting on this :)

DeviousAngel | 13

#4167851 - Thursday 15 March 2012 6:15

...I don't like peanut butter.

Justy101 | 23

#4168122 - Thursday 15 March 2012 7:10

I feel sorry for you people who have only tasted American chocolate (hersey's etc). Australian brand chocolate is top quality.

rattusrattus | 18

#4168718 - Thursday 15 March 2012 12:16

Well. American chocolate tastes like it could be used on blackboards. Australian chocolate has some weird chemical in it to slow down melting, and kind of tastes like how pine toilet cleaner smells.

European chocolate FTW.

myanginski | 0

#4171789 - Friday 16 March 2012 3:34

miniman524 | 0

#4178013 - Saturday 17 March 2012 16:04

LMAO mars!?!?