Today, I got my braces put on. This is the second time I've had...

By braceface - 14/3/2012 20:12 - United States

Today, I got my braces put on. This is the second time I've had them. The first time was after my cousin opened a car door in my face. This time a jock punched me in the mouth for saying that Reese's taste the same as Snickers peanut butter. FML

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Health

Proactive

Rock, hard place

Doomed

By changeddaily - 20/3/2011 04:52 - Australia

Today, I was telling my friend how lonely I am on Skype. He responded by deleting me as a friend. FML

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By bakedplum - 1/11/2011 17:52 - United States

Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML

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By Jen_ - 26/1/2012 22:08 - France

Today, I had a swollen knee, and was slowly limping to the toilet. All of a sudden, my mom ran past me, beating me to it. As she closed the door, she said, "AT LEAST I CAN RUN!" FML

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By noooooooo - 18/3/2013 00:10 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I was dancing with an incredibly sexy man at a club. He was grinding on me when he leaned over and said, "If I was straight, I would make you my queen." FML

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By drakx88 - 6/3/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, it was my final meeting with my psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML

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By - 13/3/2019 12:00 - United States - Salem

Today, I asked a table at a restaurant if there's anything I could get out of their way and they replied, "Yeah, you." FML

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By worstwaytodumpagirl - 28/12/2013 22:34 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my boyfriend bought me a pair of jeans. I couldn't fit into them, and he reacted to this by saying I've gotten too fat for him, and he can't be with me anymore. I took them off and saw they were a size 4. I've been a size 8 for the past 2 years, and he knows this. FML

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By A.Summers - 30/9/2013 22:41 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

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By eun - 9/4/2009 01:42 - Canada

Today, at lunch I was running to my group's table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled 'SAFE!' like a baseball umpire. FML

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By imfucked - 26/7/2019 14:00

Today, I found out the paycheck I deposited on Tuesday bounced. This means that the checks I sent to my landlord, the electric and gas company and my mom will also bounce. When I told my boss, we got into an argument over bank fees and he fired me. I had thumped him, though. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2013 20:20 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, my girlfriend was suspended from work after she was caught fucking one of her co-workers. FML

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By so much pain... - 9/12/2017 09:00 - United States - Collegeville

Today, I tried to fight my girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend because she told me he used to beat her. Turns out, she was lying to “impress” me, and her ex has a black belt in taekwondo. I’m in excruciating pain right now. FML

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By StellaSanguina - 9/10/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, a buttmunch customer brought in $7 worth of pennies I had to count and roll. As I was putting them in the deposite box at the end of my shift, I fumbled and dropped the rolls. All but one broke, spilling their contents on the floor. FML

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By Dog fart - 13/2/2010 16:08 - United States

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

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By sealpop09 - 30/6/2011 14:36 - United States

Today, my dad gave me a speech about being gay. He said he'll accept me if that's who I truly am, but he wants me to think it over first. I'm an actor in a play. I had to explain the concept of wearing costumes and acting like someone else to him. For the third time. FML

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By Shiet - 10/2/2016 04:08 - Singapore

Today, I found out that people are notified when you list them on Twitter. I've been listing people as "Interesting" and "Stupid". FML

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By JefferyT - 3/6/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, I was taken to my first session with my psychiatrist. The entirety of the facility, from the waiting room to the doc's office was decorated with dead butterflies in glass. I was there for my crippling mottephobia, the irrational fear of moths and butterflies. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 07:13 - Denmark

Today, I found out that people can get ringworm from cats. I found out because I have ringworm. I don't have a cat. Then I remembered I helped a friend move about two weeks ago, and spent the night sharing a bed with her cat. That's the last time I ever help her move. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 14:11

Free healthcare for all

Today, I had to attend an appointment and was told I should be prepared to be in hospital all day, so I booked a day off work. The appointment was trivial and lasted 10 minutes. I work paycheque to paycheque to feed myself and 2 kids, and even missing one day will hurt by the end of the month. FML

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By trashcanned - 6/4/2009 11:47 - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its' head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

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By Jonas - 6/6/2012 05:00 - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2018 13:30

Today, my manager told my shift that if we didn't have the quota filled for cinnamon rolls by tonight, we were all out of a job. One of the machines we use to wrap cinnamon rolls just started acting up. We also aren't allowed to take over time. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 22:29 - United States

Today, I learned I have over $10,000 in debt, despite never owning a credit card. Apparently, my ex-roommate had been replying to the credit card offers I was receiving in the mail. That also explains my missing driver's license a few months back. FML

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By -_- - 7/10/2015 11:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at a soccer game held by my girlfriend's family, some idiot went to kick the ball, missed by a mile, and hit the ground hard. So I started a slow, sarcastic clap. I got a load of angry looks, followed by verbal abuse when we found out he'd split his head open on the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2012 20:27 - United States

Today, I was operating on a young girl, when she began to awaken during the surgery. We quickly put her back under, of course, but now I'm terrified that she'll remember my profuse cursing and get me in the shit with my curmudgeonly killjoy of a boss. FML

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By Bee - 31/8/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

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By ZombieGirl - 11/8/2015 07:43 - United States - Tampa

Today, I signed the lease on my first apartment alone with my boyfriend. We've lived here a month before we got to sign. Today is also the day my neighbors decided to show how they're night owls: all I hear is banging on the walls and them loudly talking and yelling. This will be a long year. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 09:32 - India

Today, I finally got the courage to ask out the guy I've liked for a long time. He's a cashier at a grocery store. It was about 1am and I was his last customer, everything seemed just right. Just when I was about to ask him to the movies, a drunk girl stumbles in and asks him out. He said yes. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2014 21:37 - Sweden - Ume

Today, I tried to pull the old "bucket of water above the door" prank on my brother, but the bucket didn't fall when he opened the door. He noticed it, took it down, then pinned me to the floor and waterboarded me with the ice-cold water. FML

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By DemiRawrs - 1/5/2013 17:23 - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

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By candy man - 4/9/2014 19:32 - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, my girlfriend got up in the middle of sex saying, "You're taking too long, I'm gonna go make some popcorn." I asked her if she could get me some. She said no. FML

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By idiot - 24/1/2013 19:53 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I took a swig of lemonade from my cup, only to feel something hard in my mouth. Thinking it was a roach or something, I freaked out and spat out the drink. I doused my laptop and soaked myself in the process, only to find out it was a small ice-cube. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2018 22:00

Today, I found out that being the "bull" of a cuckold relationship is not as good as it looks to be. She is pregnant and now the couple, despite earning triple figures, is suing me for child support. I'm in college. FML

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By horriblegf - 26/2/2011 12:18 - United States

Today, I realized it feels better when I sneeze than when my boyfriend and I have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, my ceiling fan was rocking violently so I turned it off. I stood under it trying to figure out what the problem is, it fell on my face. FML

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By rockytrolley - 8/10/2014 09:01 - Cyprus

Today, my taxi driver kept falling asleep and swerving off the road, so I asked him if he was okay. He stopped and burst out sobbing about the long hours he had to do after his divorce and his wife taking all he had. Long story short, I ended up driving him home and getting a taxi from his place. FML

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By fml9124 - 20/9/2019 14:00

Hidden

Today, I saw a scorpion crawling across the kitchen floor. While trying to swat it towards the middle of the floor to prevent it from escaping as I looked for something to kill it with, my cat came to investigate. Kitty thought I was playing with a new toy and joined in by batting the scorpion under the oven. I know it's plotting its revenge. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2012 00:49 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2013 00:07 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my father shot my fiancé. He's fine, but the wedding is off. FML

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By LadyLump - 24/1/2010 18:12 - United States

Today, I was ecstatic after spending the night with my longtime crush, when he told me he felt something. I poured my heart and soul out to him, confessing my love for him too. Unfortunately, he was referring to a lump in my left breast, which I now need to get checked out. FML

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Top comments

By TheDrifter | 23

#4166376 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:15

You dared to insult the mighty Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?

By glittercookies | 12

#4166312 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:11

You're lucky you aren't losing the teeth.

COMMENTS

By cduran2011 | 6

#4166309 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:10

How close were you to the car? Why were you that close?

angrymexican | 8

#4166408 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:18

I thought you didn't know how close he was to the car.

CaptainSlow | 2

#4166606 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:49

He obviously was within the door range of the car, which is perfectly normal, since he was probably going to enter it, however I can't see why you would consider that being relevant to this FML.

grahambertus | 11

#4166622 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:50

Well usually when I exit a car door, I am instantly 30 feet away.

Cad6 | 24

#4166705 - Thursday 15 March 2012 1:10

i have never seen a stupider #1 comment.

osnapitzaris | 0

#4166921 - Thursday 15 March 2012 1:55

reese's cup, reese's cup,
peanut butta chocolate flavaaa

WhoaItsKiernan | 4

#4167116 - Thursday 15 March 2012 2:56

48- I have one irrelivant question. Why is your picture of a chest?

blackheart24 | 10

#4167254 - Thursday 15 March 2012 4:10

I was thinking the same thing. Maybe she's just one of those girls who always includes more chest than face in her pictures.

osnapitzaris | 0

#4167764 - Thursday 15 March 2012 5:59

haha that isn't me. and no, I just posted it because I adore the shirt that she's wearing. i'm really into fashion :)

LMA0 | 5

#4168434 - Thursday 15 March 2012 9:22

I used to make witty comments, until I took an Aero to the knee.

yahoowizard | 16

#4168567 - Thursday 15 March 2012 10:44

79 Too flat to pull that off, in all honesty. Nice collar though

osnapitzaris | 0

#4168715 - Thursday 15 March 2012 12:15

what are you talking about? i legitimately got this from a tumblr picture..

By glittercookies | 12

#4166312 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:11

You're lucky you aren't losing the teeth.

n_epic_fail | 14

#4167179 - Thursday 15 March 2012 3:29

DUCK ALLERT! *warning* the photo of the user above has duck-like qualities.

Bball_boy15 | 3

#4167186 - Thursday 15 March 2012 3:30

He should lose all of his teeth for saying that Reese's taste like snickers peanut butter...

glittercookies | 12

#4168031 - Thursday 15 March 2012 6:47

: really?

LMA0 | 5

#4168415 - Thursday 15 March 2012 9:09

Yes really. =/

By aaronfuegopop | 7

#4166327 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:12

Well does it?

jaflan | 5

#4168250 - Thursday 15 March 2012 7:50

Obviously not one taste great the other taste like butwhole

LMA0 | 5

#4168441 - Thursday 15 March 2012 9:26

Like a whole butt?

By pirringa99 | 0

#4166344 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:13

Well, why were you arguing about that anyway? Also unless you were asking for it, you shouldn't of had your face near the door.

datgamerchick | 14

#4167883 - Thursday 15 March 2012 6:20

Shouldn't have*

By Clozzie | 0

#4166352 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:14

Poor soul, it hurts, doesnt it!

By Calyx_fml | 21

#4166354 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:14

He punched you because he is an ass wipe, not because of anything you did.

jtthegr8 | 26

#4166447 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:20

Oh good they were removed....the guy is definitely an ass hole for over reacting about something as dumb as that

jtthegr8 | 26

#4167379 - Thursday 15 March 2012 5:02

80- it's a natural reaction to fight back

By jtthegr8 | 26

#4166357 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:14

Wow, you should start wearing a mouth guard or something do you don't need braces anymore after this

jtthegr8 | 26

#4166395 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:17

Why did my comment get posted 3 times?

theguy33 | 1

#4167300 - Thursday 15 March 2012 4:38

Pretty sure I would beat the hell out of that guy if he did that to me.

By jtthegr8 | 26

#4166361 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:14

Wow, you should start wearing a mouth guard or something do you don't need braces anymore after this

buck33 | 14

#4167140 - Thursday 15 March 2012 3:07

Do you don't?

bioboy725 | 10

#4168603 - Thursday 15 March 2012 11:02

He meant so. Anyone with even a slight amount of common sense should be able to tell that.

By jtthegr8 | 26

#4166364 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:14

Wow, you should start wearing a mouth guard or something do you don't need braces anymore after this

By TheDrifter | 23

#4166376 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:15

You dared to insult the mighty Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?

mangoqueen | 8

#4166567 - Thursday 15 March 2012 0:38

Not saying that OP deserved to be punched in the face; But, c'mon, man! They don't taste the same!

t765234 | 10

#4166798 - Thursday 15 March 2012 1:30

Reese's is the ultimate candy, no arguing about it.

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#4166963 - Thursday 15 March 2012 2:00

I-I kinda enjoy Mars :)

rattusrattus | 18

#4167123 - Thursday 15 March 2012 2:59

Ah, the comments of those who have yet to taste real chocolate.

ProhibitionRose | 14

#4167321 - Thursday 15 March 2012 4:43

Snickers peanut butter, in my opinion, are disgusting. Reese's are so much better. It feels like Snickers was trying too hard :( Snickers Almond bars are amazing though...

lyndylove | 1

#4167780 - Thursday 15 March 2012 6:01

Hahahahaha I was waiting on this :)

DeviousAngel | 13

#4167851 - Thursday 15 March 2012 6:15

...I don't like peanut butter.

Justy101 | 23

#4168122 - Thursday 15 March 2012 7:10

I feel sorry for you people who have only tasted American chocolate (hersey's etc). Australian brand chocolate is top quality.

rattusrattus | 18

#4168718 - Thursday 15 March 2012 12:16

Well. American chocolate tastes like it could be used on blackboards. Australian chocolate has some weird chemical in it to slow down melting, and kind of tastes like how pine toilet cleaner smells.

European chocolate FTW.

myanginski | 0

#4171789 - Friday 16 March 2012 3:34

miniman524 | 0

#4178013 - Saturday 17 March 2012 16:04

LMAO mars!?!?